Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Artful Scamster Part VI

I guess an employer -- any employer -- has limits. And this email from Daniel Djuric suggests he's starting to reach his with Jacques:

Hello Jacques: I am not understanding this methods of yours but i not thinking you are honourable.You keep changing our contractual agreement and adding things we not agree to.I want you now uphold your part no more changes.I expect you to send moneygram the two money orders ASAP.You only keep 20%.Stop this strange behaviour or I must seek legal options with your FBI about you.Money orders are nothing wrong with.You dont have to wait for bank to verify. Do what you promise now. Wait to hear from you soon.

I sense a new urgency and pending end to this artful scamster's patience; I also sense his worsening grammar LOL. So let's see what this response does:

Daniel: I feel I am most unappreciated here. May I presume to remind you that I am doing you a service, a service YOU sought ME out for. What's more, I am trying to protect YOU from the potential of your having unsavory and dishonest clients, who send you not good money orders. And this drivel you send me is your thanks for my loyalty?

Sheesh. It so happens that I just checked with my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife's bank, and they have determined that the first money order is valid (my ass) and they await verification of the second set of them. Once I hear on that, I will process the money orders, and send your representative the balance, less my 45% fee (TOING). After all, this extra work was not part of our original agreement. It is only fair, as fellow honourable men and artists, that you accept this.

As for the FBI, I recall you having mentioned them at the outset of your offer to give me the business. You really want to call them to look at me? Fine: call 'em. I have nothing to hide. But the local field office manager here does. I am well acquainted with the local FBI field office manager here. I attended his bachelor party at the Municipal Zoo, and he and I have excellent understandings, now that I have in my possession photos of him in a compromising sexual escapade with a llama that night. So call them if you wish, but think hard about what can of creamed corn it might open.

I'll contact you with shipping details when the bank tells me the other money order is validated.

It's apparent that Daniel now seeks to get what he can, and quickly:

There is no need you wait on second moneyorder. Send now the first money order.You only hold 20%.This we agree to.No more delay on your part of this.Wait to hear from you shipping confirmation.

So much for the FBI threat. Y'don't suppose the sexual escapades with llamas reference hit a responsive chord? Er...naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Or....?:

Daniel: don't you just beat all! I will send your representative the balance of the two money orders, not just the one, less my 50% fee, once I have confirmation of the second one. Not before. I won't make two trips to Walmart when one is all we need. That'll save you 2% (I guess a moneygram costs 2% of the total balance sent). See the kind of employee I am?

Daniel almost seems to throw his hands up in defeat, though with some glimmer of hope he'll still get something out of Jacques besides the jerkaround that Daniel intended to deliver:

Okay Jacques, I will be waiting for your mail as soon as you have it sent with the reference number, amount send and the name you used in sending it. Waiting to hear from you ASAP.

Waiting a few hours, I respond with the coupe de chicken:

Daniel: we're good to go. The second money order has cleared scrutiny by my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife's bank, and I have just returned from Walmart and sending to your designated representative the moneygram as you originally instructed. The relevant information is as follows:

Sent: 23 February 2006
Reference#: 8564711240 (I used the same number as Daniel did for the Fedex shipment, less the last two digits; think he'll notice?)
Amount: $2500.00
Sent to: Mike Smith
Jonkoping 355012
Ryhovsgatan, Switzerland (I thought it might frost him a bit if I jumbled up the original sending address, and 'sent' it thus..not to mention my silent upping of my percent by only 'sending' $2500 of the $8750 total. My checkbook balancing is about as bad...)

The Walmart customer service fella had a bit of a problem with the address at first, but I gave him what I recalled with my photographic mammory from your earlier instructions, and insisted he send it just as I provided it. He did, and your representative should have no problem with retrieval.

You got anything else pending for me?

Your loyal employee.

Comes Friday morning, and Daniel is becoming annoyed with his insubordinate subordinate:

I believe I should know exactly what's going on with my money and stop playing with my intelligence.I hate when people take me for a fool so let me know the situation of things as regards the payment. I warn you.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh...he maaaaaaaaad:

Daniel: since many artists are sissy-miris, I find your warning highly amusing. But I digress.

Speaking of playing with intelligence, I sincerely wish you'd provide a bit more to play with; I've had more fun with Silly Putty. One place where we have commonality, Daniel, is I don't like being taken for a fool, either. I like even less being taken for one by someone who desperately needs practice at it.

You may trust me, Daniel, when I tell you that you've been sent exactly what you deserve to receive. That's what your designated representative picked up.

If there is anything else I can do for you in your effort to give me the business, please don't hesitate to let me play with your intelligence further. I find you're easier to play than you found me to jerk off. But I give you this: you're easy to work. REAL easy.

This response draws no counter from Daniel, so I waited until Saturday morning to send to his email ( a further 'tweak':

Daniel: just checking in to see if your representative has picked up your money yet. And to see if you had anything else pending for me; being worked by you has proven so lucrative, I'm happy to let you give me more of your business. Oh, and my soon-to-be 7th ex-wife was also asking me about one of your original Djuric photos of the sexually exploited badger. An autographed copy, of course.

She has weird taste, that woman; she settled for me, but I digress.

Happy weekend to you, Daniel. Mine will be too: I'll be spending it at the South Carolina shore, thanks to your generosity.

Alas, it doesn't appear that he received it; what I got was a reply from the infamous Mailer-Daemon, informing me that "This user doesn't have a account".

He used ta did. Guess that means I'm fired.

Oh well. Guess that also means that Jacque's soon-to-be 7th ex-wife, Sharon Fallatio, won't be getting her Djuric original photo art of the sexually exploited badger. As Mick Jagger once sang, "you can't always get what you want".

But I want you all to note that Jacques Meehoff held up his end as an honourable employee: Daniel got exactly what he had coming.


Blogger Herb said...

That was great!

26 February, 2006 06:55  
Blogger Jona said...

Love it! Though after that lot, it's a shame you didn't earn anything ;o)

27 February, 2006 12:16  
Blogger Monica said...

where are you, Skunk?

28 February, 2006 12:20  
Blogger Karen said...

I just love that they get so upset when you play with their "intelligence" but it's OK for them to do it to others?! They are proving the saying, "the one thing that annoys you about another is usually a reflection on yourself." LOL

28 February, 2006 15:38  
Blogger poopie said...

My guy in Nigeria threatned me endlessly. I halfway expected to see him runnin' down the road to get his stuff :)

28 February, 2006 16:18  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved it. Jill

28 February, 2006 20:24  

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