Marching Toward Madness

NCAA March Madness is h'yar.

Not sure about the dildos.

Barney still pleads innocent regarding the purple one that interrupted a WNBA game. Sure...

Memetime:

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA...

Nawp...'twasn't...

Waiting impatiently...

Meantime Iran starts appointing dead leaders to save themselves the trouble of live ones...

Seymour Tackles The Suez

March Madness brackets are in full disarray, and all the mediocres can talk about is a ship stuck in the Suez Canal that they're sure will ignite a second run on toilet paper.

My pet rock, Seymour, never misses a beat.

Once he goes into 'editing gone wild' mode, he cuts through the feldercarb and gets right to the gist of obtusity with a clarity that is truly over most of our heads.

Don't believe me?  Check this out:

Suez Canal Blockage Sparks Fears of NCAA Brackets Challenge Upsets And Other Weird Sh*t

By Seymour PetRock    |   Friday, 26 March 2021 10:54 AM

WTFNS

The world could be headed for a labor dispute with ice cream-crapping unicorns at this rate.

Thanks to a side-saddled ship in the Suez, chaos reigns supreme amongst unicorns, March Madness brackets and Bidumb's handlers.  And the regionally ignored paper the Cladipus Licker in a Mississippi market noted that it could rival the panic'd media reporting shortages seen in the early days of the Chinese Wuhan virus pandumbic misreporting, of which they did so well.

It is all the result of some putz in 'Vegas betting on long shots in the March Madness NCAA tournament, causing the helmsman of the Ever Given to run aground this week when his bet on William & Mary didn't pan out.

Authorities are racing to fix the over-unders that ripple-effected as a result of this one long-odds bet.

The owner of the vessel has apologized for the canal blockage, which is sparking a global sports betting crisis because of the flotilla of cargo ships stuck behind it with shattered brackets and lots of angst that the Cleveland Browns failed to make the brackets challenge.

As Illinois prematurely exited the tournament, millions of deceased mammals from the Jurassic era panicked about toilet paper supply, thanks to cnn and a fire at a bus depot restroom in Newark.

According to WTFNS, Abject Nonsense Solutions, a data and spockish firm, said online and in-store U.S. Sports betting sales rose last year 51% between Feb. 29 and March 10.  They can't measure that particular statistic again until 2024.  Meantime, sales soared 845% on the eve of March Madness when it was leaked that the New York Jets were entering the tournament, being good for little else.

Meantime the amount of toilet paper the average deceased Jurassic era mammal uses hasn't changed, WTFNS reported. It's still around 0 rolls per year, compared to the same number millennia ago.

How this relates to unicorns going on strike over crapping ice cream is not immediately apparent.  Nor are there any unicorn parents willing to discuss it.

Further, Weakly News and World Retorts is circulating the story that authorities have called in an alien u-boat to torpedo and sink the Ever Given in an effort to get traffic flowing, even if that isn't the story they led with.

NY Toast economist Juanita Koningsbroad told  the only person to show up at a Bidumb press conference that "with supply chains already under pressure, the world's largest goods-transfer-to-camels is now underway”. It was noted that most of the camel drivers picked Georgetown to win the tournament, leaving all of them destitute. 

In an interview with WTFNS, Walter Mitty, CEO of the Brazilian wood pulp company PulpaPoopa SA, said his company already was struggling to salvage operations when over 75% of his work force bet on the Detroit Red Wings to win March Madness, having trusted a Dominion voting machine with corrupt software to handle the bookings.

In a curious aside, the Express newspaper reported that wood pulp is not the result of a tree getting a mud hole stomped in it by Antifa because someone put a Trump poster on it.

Experts warned it could take weeks before any readers of this story could figure out what the hell it was about, causing many ships to take brackets-aggrieved helmsmen off steerage and assigning them to maintaining and romancing bilge pumps.

Helping even less is the fact that the ship has now been righted and once again the Panama Canal isn't pointing and laughing at Suez any more.

The Cladipus Licker reported that if Bidumb's depressed suckretary Jen Psuki circles back around to this too many times, she'll get the wedgie of a life time.

The Ever Given ran aground Tuesday in Suez, the narrow, man-made canal dividing fish over it's worth during salmon spawning, the Cladipus Licker wasted time reporting.

The 2021 brackets challenge left alleged experts, wokes and cancel culture types scrambling to find a way to cancel Space Jam without pissing off the Tasmanian Devil. “That's the LAST THING we need at the Suez Canal just now” quipped one soused anonymous.

Not Really Related Stories:

• Toilet Paper Limits, Empty Shelves Are Back as verbal dysentery at cnn Surges

• Report: Congress Using Too Much Toilet Paper, Heating AOC Into Ever Dumber Press Releases

© 2021 WTFNS. All rights in dispute most of the time.

Seymour sees a Pulitzer in his future.  I see him winning a roll of toilet paper.

 

March's Madness Can't Match This

Yes, it's March.  And time for madness.

2020 f**ked that up last year.  Actually, the dems and the media f**ked that up last year.  Which is pretty much what they're trying to do every year, but I digress.

But 2021 couldn't keep the madness down.  So it's time again for NCAA basketball bracket madness.

Every year the past 8 (save for the dem's f**king things up in 2020), I and my pet rock, Seymour, have filled out competing brackets for the March Madness tournament.

We both have an equal understanding of the game, the competitors, and what's at stake.

None.

But it's been fun, besting my pet rock 7 times out of 8.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Yes, the pet rock did beat me once.  And he's convinced he'll git 'er dun agin.
 

Of course, the ideer is to select from the 64 competing teams and, round by round, make as many correct picks as possible, from the starting 64 to the sweet 16, to the final 4, and finally the tournament winner.

I make my picks based on odds, percentages, records and anytime I feel a lucky fart coming on.

Seymour just flips a coin.  Which I caught and won't, as yet, give him back.

Seymour reckons that he'll win it back this year.  Along with bragging rights.

Considering that I had to talk him out of putting William & Mary and the Cleveland Browns in his Final 4, well....I'm not worried.

Developing...

Koo-Koo-Cachoo Mrs. Scammerson

Epic *FAIL*s from Scamland are actually pretty SOP around here.

But they don't get that, and that's fine with me and my assorted characters.

Here's one where the scammer pretends not to be a scammer, but claims to know all about scammers, and wonders why I'm so...well, I'll let you read it:


Sometimes, I do wonder if you are really, really with your senses. How Could you keep trusting people and at the end you will loose your hard Earned money, or are you being deceived by their big names? They Impersonate on many offices, claiming to be Governors, Directors/Chairmen of one Office or the other. Their game plan is only just to extort your hard Earned money. Now, the question is how long you will continue to be Deceived? Sometimes, they will issue you fake check, introduce you to fake Diplomatic delivery, un-existing on-line banking and they will also fake wire transfer of Your fund with Payment Stop Order and even send you fake Atm cards etc.

Anyway, by the virtue of my position I have been following this Transaction from inception and all your efforts towards realizing the Fund. More often than not, I sit down and laugh at your ignorance and That of those who claim they are assisting you, it is very unfortunate That at the end you loose. Although, I don't blame you because you are Not here in Nigeria to witness the processing of your payment in Nigeria. The problem you are having is that you been told the whole truth About this transaction and it is because of this truth they decided to Be extorting your money. The most annoying part is even fraudsters Have really taken advantage of this opportunity to enrich them selves At your expense. Those you feel are assisting or working for you are Your main problems. I know the truth surrounding this payment and I am The only person who will deliver you from this long suffering if you will abide by my advice.

They claim that they are helping you and you forward all the fraudulent e-mails you receive to them. At the end they do nothing about the fraudsters. Soon they will ask you to pay money to receive a compensation of millions of dollars Do not pay any money to them because they are only interested in your hard earned money and you will never receive any compensation in return, they will always keep coming back to ask for more money.

Please I beseech you to stop pursuit of shadows and being Deceived. Feel free to contact me immediately you receive this mail so that I can Explain to you the modus-operandi guiding the release of your Payment. Do not panic, be rest assured that this arrangement will be Guided by your Embassy here in Nigeria.

N/B: You are urgently requested to provide me with the following information

Full Name:
Address:
Telephone Number:
Occupation:
Passport Or National Identity Copy:

Contact me upon the receipt of this mail if you wish to receive your fund and stop wasting your hard earn money..

I await your urgent response.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu.
CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION

Nothing like a compassionate scammer, who really ain't...'cuz he's a scammer too.  Be that as it may, it was time to allow my pet rock, Seymour, an edit opportunity ahead of picking March Madness brackets that he'll lose to me in again this year.

"Will NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Focus, Seymour...get to the edit:  


From: Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Mugu <efccagent@optiononline.com>
Sent: Thursday, January 31, 2019 11:46 PM
To: princealbertinacan101@hotmail.com
Subject: VEWY VEWY IMPOTENT..TAKE TWO AND CALL ME IN 2021

 

Sometimes I do wonder if you are really, really with your senses. Then I recall twat waffles like Duke Asi and James Sama, and I realize that you're generally brighter than either of those two clowns.  Now, the question is how long you will continue to be deceived with questions like "if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass a goose?"  Sometimes, one must wonder why "Noel" has an "L" in it...and sometimes it's just easier to ask a horse when it walks into a bar, "why the long face?"  This of course will never help people who don't see what was just done when a skeleton clatters into a local bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Anyway, by the virtue of my position -- a mix of missionary and akin to trying to pass a spinal tap poopie -- I have been following the March Madness preliminary brackets from inception and all your efforts towards getting remotely close to surviving the bracket's first weekend. More often than not, I sit down and laugh at your ignorance when I see that you insist upon putting William & Mary in the Final Four, when they're not even in the tournament.  Alas, it is very unfortunate that at the end your bracket -- after Weekend #1 -- it looks like silk curtains in the House of Cats. Although, I don't blame you because you are not here in Nigeria to witness the truly pathetic scam templates that are tried every year at March Madness time. The problem you are having is that you have not been told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you empty Coke bottle. The most annoying part is even fraudsters far less capable than me have really made a muck of the online scam industry here, and flooded the email system with poor templates and half-wit nincompoops like Duke Asi, James Sama, and countless others of dubious antecedence who sexually violate tree stumps when they're bored...and in most internet cafes, trust me....they're bored.  

At any rate, I am the only person who will deliver you a pizza with only a 7.5% mark up if you will abide by my advice.  My advice will not include investing in plastics; that was from a movie in 1968, and Koo-Koo-Cachoo looks nothing now like she did then.  Her cupcakes are hanging at her crotch.

Please I beseech you to stop any kind of hot pursuit with Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane; he's wrecked practically every unit he's hot-pursuited in.  Feel free to contact me immediately once you receive this missive so that I can Explain to you what a missive is, what the modus-operandi guiding the release of endorphins into your genitals means and a whole host of post-menopausal reasons you do NOT want to answer any woman's question about if her butt is getting fat.  Do not panic, be rest assured that you can dodge this question by complimenting her nose hairs or her shoe collection...or just tell her that there's a sale at Sears.

N/B: You are urgently requested to provide me with the following information

Full Name:
Address:
Telephone Number:
Occupation:
Passport Or National Identity Copy:

Contact me upon the receipt of this mail if you wish to see what I'll have to say next when I find out some farging bastage has totally edited my original email, leaving me with no idea how to respond to you.  I may recommend you take William & Mary and -12 to cover the March Madness bracket spread, rather than try to sort this sh*t out.

I await your urgent response.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Mugu.
CHAIRMAN of the NIGERIAN ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMITERS GUILD

A subslimeiary of the Nigerian Illuminincompoops

Funny how the originating scammer had no response to what Seymour sent him.  He didn't even ask for Seymour to place a side bet taking William & Mary to cover the spread...

 

Fah Down Go Boom

*NOTE:  this is being written before the Sweet 16 match up to pare down to the Elite 8*

As I've stated before in this blog, me and basketball are not remotely synonymous.

Even if I occasionally dribble.

I never took to the sport.  I was never good when I had to or even thought to attempt the sport.  In a simple game of 'Horse', I could never win a letter, let alone buy a vowel.  One foolish effort to impress a basketball-loving woman I was dating in college had me join an intramural basketball league.  As a member of the worst team therein.

Besides embarrassing ourselves, it didn't work for me personally with her.

I don't watch it.  I don't follow it.  For all I know, William & Mary didn't have a team 'cuz they were arguing about the toilet seat up or down all season.

So in keeping with being my occasionally non sequitur self, I fill out a March Madness bracket every year these past four.  I seem intent on proving to the world my cluelessness on the subject.  The past three, I have done that most conclusively.

At least this year, I'm not alone  ;-)

I entered that Quicken Billion Dollar challenge.  Not with any notion of winning...me pick a perfect bracket?  *long stretch of LMAO followed by necessary oxygen to recover*

I just didn't expect my bracket to implode so rapidly.  Starting with the very first game.

My stats up  to now:  I have 30 correct picks out of 48 so far.  As I gaze upon an overview of my total brackets, all but one look like silk curtains in the House of Cats.  The one that is amazingly intact, I have a feeling I picked the wrong winner on that one (which is probably proven by the time this posts; I picked Louisville over Kentucky), and it doesn't matter, 'cuz the team I picked to emerge triumphant from that particular bracket went phffffffffft already.

Despite all that, 3 of my Final Four picks are still in.

One of my Final Two is still there.

I still have a chance that I picked the ultimate winner.  Well...at least before the upcoming weekend, anyway.

So no billion dollars.  Not even a $100,000 chance, like there ever was one.

Worse, I will have to live with listening to my pet rock crow.  Seymour is 4 picks better than me at this point.  Who but a pet rock would have picked Mercer over Duke?

"Nyah nyah!"

At least he's no better in the Final Two:  Wichita State went phfffffffffffft.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Seymour's even a sore winner.

"Am NOT!!!!"

A Scammer Learns 'Bout March Madness

In my last installment, I spoke of my total ill-preparedness to address the issue of March Madness, brackets-wise.

I might as well place a bet in 'Vegas on whether the Chinese put a man on the Moon before our current potus tells the truth for once.

Eh.  Low information voters are convinced that Sequester is the cat that tries unsuccessfully to eat Tweety.

At any rate, my scammer this week is identified as Aaron Smith, a pay agent representing a unit within the United Nations...or so he says.  And his mission:  to get anyone he emails to believe that (a) they have been the victim of an online scam and (b) that he has $400,000 in compensation for them.  After, of course, the 'recipient' pays the normal fees for such a transaction.

Aka, a scam.

But ol' Aaron, he hadn't apparently counted on me being one of his email recipients.  Nor, I imagine, did Aaron reckon on something of a lesson in 'March Madness' being inserted into his email.  In fact, replacing its whole content.

No need to thank me, Aaron.

Here's what his lesson in March Madness looks like now:


From: UNCC <

>
To:
Sent: Sunday, March 24, 2013 9:30 AM
Subject: UNITED NATIONS　UNITED NATIONS.
(WORLD MARCH MADNESS ASSISTED PROGRAMME)
DIRECTORATE OF INTERNATIONAL BRACKETS AND SELECTIONS
870 UNITED NATIONS PLAZA 20-A TT UNITED KINGDOM 10017
WIRE WE DOING THIS UNIT
　
Congratulations Beneficiary,

　
How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family, not that we really care, we're just required to say that as opening rubbish to what follows.

　
You may not understand why this mail came to you. We don't either, but your email address was submitted to us, so here we are.

　
The UNITED NATIONS have been having a meeting for the past 7 months which just ended few days ago with the secretary to the UNITED NATIONS. Yes, we realize that we are most inefficient. But since it isn't our money we're spending, we don't care.

　
This includes every American taxpayer. We don't care. Get over it. Now quit sulking and return now to the purpose of our email.

　
After our 7 month meeting, it was decided that we are going to lend assistance to all those peoples in the world who are ESPN impoverished, and provide them with assistance in filling out their March Madness brackets. Yes, from the artificial goat inseminators in Angola, to the idiot mugu Andrew Green (andrewgreen1759@yahoo.co.uk) to the last yak fornicator in Zaire (recently transferred there from Siberia, which had to have been a bit of a culture shock), we are now offer free advice to help you win your office pool March Madness bracket.
　
As Idi Amin frequently said, "this is very important". Then again, the dumb ass mugu is dead.

　
Basketball is big sport in US, along with baseball, football, hockey, and fat people taking their tops off and running around on a couple of tabloid TV shows, along with collecting free phones and welfare while Detroit collapses on itself. This too is a sport, but I digress.

　
So, to fill out your brackets NOW, you are advised to contact Aaron Smith of our UNITED NATION MARCH MADNESS PICKING BRACKETS ASSISTANCE CENTER. It's actually in Nigeria, but for purposes of clarity we say that we are in the United Kingdumb. See what we just did there?

　
Giving you the business is what we do, and our business is helping those who can't hep themselves to someone elses' money. Granted, if you're in West Africa, the West African franc is so patently worthless, a suitcase full of them can't buy a "Hugo Chavez Is Dead...HaHa" t-shirt. But that's okay, because Aaron Smith has a bunch of those to give away, too.

　
So write now -- TODAY FOLKS, TODAY -- at the given address below:
DIRECTOR IN CHARGE: Aaron Smith
E-MAIL:
consultclaimofficer@Superposta.com
　
I apologize on behalf of my organization for any delay you might have encountered in receiving this vital informations on your March Madness bracket picks, but we had to be sure that William & Mary were IN the tournament first, BEFORE we could advice you to pick them to win it all.

　
Harvard? Florida whatever-they're-called? Phhhfffffffft. It's William & Mary, all the way.

　
Thanks and our gawd here -- who looks like Christ John's mama's oracled butt hole (tell him about it at
Christjohn252@yahoo.co.uk) -- couldn't care less about your family, unless you fill out a bracket TODAY. Hoping to hear from you as soon as you fill out your bracket.
　
Yes, that's us: Making the world a more miserable place. It's what we do. It's ALL we do.

　
You are required to contact the above person and furnish him with the following of your information that will be required to avoid any mistakes:-

　
1. Your Full name:
2. Your Country:
3. Contact Address:
4. Telephone Number:
5. Fax Number:
6. Marital Status:
7. Occupation:
8. Last Time You Tried Sex With A Basketball Or PMSing Badger:
9. Age:


Congratulations, and I look forward to hear from you as soon as you confirm your March Madness brackets to making the world a more miserable place, like in North Korea. That country is full of asshats!  We learned that from Team America:  World Police!

Regards,
Secretary-General Ban Mai-Moon


I don't expect to hear much in the way of thanks or feedback from Aaron Smith.  I might have pissed off North Korea's Kim Dung Soon, or whatever his name is...