Pet Rock Night Parodies Again

"Did NOT!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Thank you for that intro, Seymour.

My pet rock, Seymour, fancies hisself a music aficionado, and a writer of never-before-writ lyrics.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Kinda like he's 1/1024 an antecedence he ain't.

Anyway, this gets started in an email from some official-sounding yahoo from Slovakia of all places.  Take a look:

Hon. Miroslav Lajčák of Slovakia, <office.123456@yahoo.com>

Fri 11/22/2019 7:19 PM

 

Attention

We are hereby to bring to your Notice that your awarded/ Compensated total sum of $6,750,000.00 have been forwarded to the federal Reserve bank because of the delay and Problems You have be having in this transactions,You are hereby advised to Contact the President and CEO of the Federal Reserve Dr. Raphael S. Williams, he is now in the Position to approve and Remit your total sum Directly to your account,

Note that the bank have 3 payment method which you will have to choose your Preferable option, You will pay for the charges of your chosen option as
it was stated because none amount should be deducted from your funds till it get to your destination, Below is the Bank Method,

OPION (1) is Credit card, The total sum will be Credited to your card if you have any and this will cost you only $95 USD, here is the information needed for the Credit card processing,
(1) Name on the card:
(2) Issued bank name:
(3) Card number:
(4) Card Pin number:
(5) owner cell number:
(6) issued date:
(7) expiring date:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
OPION (2) is Bank wire transfer, Your total amount will be transfer
directly to your personal account which will cost you $250 USD Only,
here is the needed information for the bank wire transfer,
Your Full Name:
Your FULL Address:
Your Confidential Tel, Cell and Fax:
Your Bank name:
Your Bank address:
Your Account number:
Your Account Name:
Routing numbers:
Your Swift Code:
Your Occupation:
Your Next Of Kin name:
Your Next Of Kin cell No:
Your Next Of Kin email:
A copy of your ID:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
OPTION (3) IS An ATM Debit card which will be deliver Direct to your
house which will cost you $320 USD Only, the Total sum will be Uploaded to
yourATM Debit card which allow you to withdraw $10,000,00 USD Per day, and with the card you can also transfer to your personal bank account or any account number with limit of $50,000,00 per day, Here is the needed information for the card delivery,
(1) Name In Full:
(2) Residential Address:
(3) Nationality:
(4) Age:
(5) Sex
(6) Occupation:
(7) Direct Phone:
(8) Present Country:

You are hereby advised NOT to remit further payment to any institutions with respect to your transaction as your fund will be transfer to you
directly from our source. I hope this is clear. Any action contrary to this instruction is at your own risk. we require your positive cooperation at
every level because we are closely monitoring this very transaction in order to avert the bad eggs in our society of today.

You are Advised to contact Dr. Raphael Seay Williams as soon as you receive this email and tell him Your chosen option to proceed immediately, Here is his contact information's, You can text him or email him now with this code of conduct, (#FRB#778)

Name: Dr. Raphael Seay Williams
Email:regional.usa@usa.com


Please do contact him now before is too late because the will forward
your funds to the Federal Government account if they didn't hear from you,
Thank you and Remain Blessed,

Hon. Miroslav Lajčák of Slovakia,
the United Nations General Assembly President, (UNGA)  

 

 

Uh..yawp.  About as believable as any democrap running for president or an impeachment clown circus.

 

 

Well, Seymour heard one of those mental *TOING*s he often hears when reading such drivel, and decided he could use that to parody a song he doesn't like.

 

"Did NOT parody a song!!  These are NEVER-BEFORE-WRIT LYRICS!!!  PHFFFFFT!"

 

Okaaaaaaaaaay...folks check out Seymour's response to the scammers and YOU decide:

 

 

Slovakia?

Never been there.

And widdat...one...two...thwee...

Plus I've never been to Spain.

But I kinda like the ta-cos.

Say the sheep fights are insane there.

Just like the dingbat broads at Berk-eley.

They do abuse it, will always lose it.

Never gonna goose it.

Well I never been to Guern-sey.
But I kinda like the crum-pets.
Well, I headed for Las Vegas.
Only made it out to New-ark.
Can you buy that, must be bad drugs that..
feels so Ackphooey, just plain Ackphooey.

Well I never been to Heaven.
But I heard from folks in La-gos.
Well they tell me I was scammed there.
But they really make me snort here.

In friggin' Lagos, or friggin' Newark.
What does it matter, just fly some high-er.

 

 

The results were almost everything I sort of come to expect from a parodied-song response like this:

 

 

what are you saying?  

 

 

I wasn't saying...I was sing-ing.  Don't you really can't remem-ber?  

 

 

That took care of Slovakia and that scam.

 

I just don't know if it takes care of Three Dog Night and ASCAP.

 

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

 

...guess it really DOESN'T matter...

An Edit Befitting An "Editing Gone Wild" Pet Rock

I think it has quite enough cow bell.

I seem to have inadvertently ignited something of a competition between my two 'editing-gone-wild' pet rocks, Seymour and Element, when it comes to editing and responding to email scammers.

Take this email scam from a Jane Walker for example:


Good day and Compliments,
My name is Jane Walker; I am from Heath town in Alabama City of USA. Presently I am in Afghanistan, where am working with the US International Red Cross Organization under United Nations programs. I am Nurse practitioners (NP), a health professional. I am 27yrs of age, single and also a born again Christian and I am also a Kingdom Minded person, It is my desire to serve the military faithfully and be a servant "of whom the world is worthy" according to HEBREWS 11.

Although I am assuring you that you have nothing to be worried about, as far as I am concerned, because I am doing this not by my power neither by my own decision but through a divine direction / instruction from God.

With a desperate need for an mutual business proposal that will benefit both of us, I have been blessed to come about some box contenting $2.5million US Dollars here in Afghanistan and i want to work with you to ship it out of this country and invest it in NGO FOUNDATION and HELPING WIDOWS AND MOTHERLESS CHILDREN AND POOR COUNTRIES with your advice and assistance, I am entrusting this $2.5m US Dollars to you and want you to use the money for the work of God in your Country.

If you are really interested in this transaction truly for the purpose of God's work only, in order to extend His Kingdom, and also for me to be well assured and have solid assurance that the fund that will be given to you, will be used wisely by you for God's work to facilitate what God is doing through your Country. As soon as I hear from you, I will tell you how to go about this project.

Yours sincerely,
Ms. Jane Walker.    


Not much to it, right?  That's what Seymour thought.

"Did NOT!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

At any rate, I awarded this edit to Element.  And I must say...she was on something when she edited it:


 Good day and condiments...I relish ketchup

My name is Jane Walker; at least it is today for this template.  It's been some pretty unpronounceable crap lately but I digress.

I am from Heath town in Alabama City of USA. It's a place.  It might not be a 'woke' place, but it's a place.  It might be great to be from for all I know.  Ask Lynrd Skynrd and not Neil Young 'bout that.

Presently I am in Afghanistan, where I found myself after actually taking that infamous left toin at Albuquerque.  I was only going out for beer and an IUD.

Being so misguided, I joined a traveling road show in a Third World craphole, where I met a group of wayward non-existentialists who are drinking wine, eating cheese and catching some rays, practicing their other dog imitations.  It's peculiar. 

 

 

They told me that they was working with the US International Red Cross Organization under United Nations programs, but they told me this in Azerbaijani which my Gooble Translooter mistranslated, and now I am on my way to Burundi as a Red Cross parcel, labeled as an inflatable Nurse practitioner (NP), a health professional with a squeaky slow leak. I am 27yrs of age, single and also in need of a couple patches.

Mom and my weird Uncle Fester warned me about days like this.

While in transit I met a born again refried burrito named Achmed and also a Kingdom Minded tamale named Booger.  Really, that's the tamale's name:  Booger.  It will tell you so, and some pretty bad jokes in Spanish if you rub it in the right place.  At any rate, it is my desire to get out of Burundi without having to hear any more coffee/HEBREW jokes from a couple Taco Bell refugees.

 Although I am assuring you that you have nothing to be worried about as far as I am concerned, perhaps you should be at least a little concerned because this email found you, or possibly someone that farts like you.  A whole choir of them can make quite a stampede on the Serengeti.  I think Clint Eastwood did a couple Serengeti westerns there in the '60s.  I bring that up because I am doing this not by my power neither by my own decision but through a hallucinogen that somehow got in my tofurkey which Mom and my weird Uncle Fester warned me about as well. 

 With a desperate need for this to somehow make sense and perhaps some dollars too, I have been blessed with the ability to play my arm pit and fart in e-flat.  You can hire me for two shows a night, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, roombas christenings, crustacean jousting events and food fights in college cafeterias.  It's not that I want to work with you personally; I consider you a putz.  Just asking for a friend.

Please note that this has nothing to do with the NGO FOUNDATION and HELPING WIDOWS AND MOTHERLESS CHILDREN AND POOR COUNTRIES.  It further has nothing to do with impeachment circuses or evidence that Epstein didn't kill himself with a Salad Shooter.  It might have something to do with cosmic projectile vomiting, if Uranus ever ingests a bag of e-coli'd salad, but that would take over eight years to get back here.  Plenty of time to change your address, look and gender.

 If you are really interested in this transaction truly for the purpose of the work of some deified cosmic meadow muffin of dubious fecalcedence, schedule yourself for a mental health exam.  Seriously, look me up on the wall of any public urinal in Liechtenstein.  If your name is Ricci, remember don't lose that number...it could be the only one you own.  For in the end, not only is what you et, but how it comes out that determines if you use paper, plastic, a douche or a fire hose to deal with any aftermath. 

Since this email was supposed to have been "from the desk of" Jane Walker -- no relation to the Imperial Walkers of Newark -- I am dictated by that desk to include this disclaimer:  God did not endorse or get paid for not endorsing this email.  In order to extend His Kingdom, He must collect enough credits to be able to invade and conquer Irkutsk when it's His turn in the community Risk game.  Also for me to be well assured and have solid assurance that none of this winds up on YouTube, Dancing With The Stars, The Gong Show, or 60 Minutes.  Please use this email wisely by you for to facilitate what God is now laughing hysterically at, and what South Park will probably parody soon.

As soon as I hear from you, I will probably experience gastrointestinal seizures.  None of these have worked yet. 

 Yours about as insincerely as imaginable,
Ms. Jane Walker       

 

It amused me that the originating scammer sent the original message to about 100 assorted email addresses...all gleaned from online guest books and other dubious sources.  So I had Element hit 'reply all' with her edit upon return.

 

So far, we've gotten four "not good address" notifications and a "bad words" warning from a school email addy as replies.  Nothing from the originating scammer.  

 

Element holds out hope for a reply.  Seymour...well, he's just waiting for HIS turn.

 

   "Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"                                

Merry Christmas, Pet Rock Style

Yes, my two pet rocks -- Seymour and Element -- know a thing or two about being bad.

Even really BAAAAD.

That said, they and your blog host wish y'all a Merry Christmas...even you scammers that look in to see yourselves made fun of h'yar.

And I'm still looking for my first visitor from Liechtenstein.

An Udderly Charming Swede...Kinda -- Part 2

Okay, so Matilda/Natalie Carlsson isn't Russian (mayhaps)...she soitenly do write a scam relationship like one.

Where we left off was with her asking my character a series of questions, hoping my character would reveal things about hisself.

At least that's what the questions appeared to be geared toward.  Almost like someone actually trying to build an online relationship with other motives down the line.

Granted, Matilda/Natalie had let a few 'tells' that suggested scam slip early on.  Equally telling was her lack of comprehension to some of my character's snarky responses.  Of course, big-eyed Swedish women might be that dense.

Or not.

At any rate, she asked her questions...my character answered them (fully in character).  What would her response be?

Here 'tis:

Thanks for taking your time to answer me with open responds.  

I'm glad to see your comprehension is so acute, and you're welcome.  


That was good for this follow up, which ends with a step in the direction she intends, I'm sure:

This little note has one single purpose: to wish you a good day and the much-needed peace of mind to carry on with your daily commitments..

How are you doing today? Just finished eating of Fresh Burrito Bowl, it's a combination of precooked chicken with a handful of fresh, unprocessed ingredients, a healthy, delicious Mexican-inspired meal  and it tastes like heaven.. OMG..

You know I seat here thinking of what to tell you about me.. We've shared quiet a lot in this short period of time and  I honestly want you to know everything about me.. I sometimes want for my notes to sound like a live conversation while reading them..

I want for what we have and share between us to be firmly base on trust, affection and promises to withstand time. I want you to also know that, whenever you need me, I'll always be here, supporting or comforting you or listening to you. 

You know I sometime wonder how boring life would be if it was just work, eat, sleep, watch a little TV…You get the picture! 

What I'm saying is that I'm this free that I have plenty of hobbies. I just love to do a little bit of everything. As you must have known by now, part of my hobbies includes Writing, Reading, Dog Walking, Watching Movies,Cooking, Swimming, Gardening, Yoga, Traveling Among other fun things.

What I feel and want for us is Healthy.  I think the world would be much healthier if everybody had a shoulder to cry on, To be a friend is to make the most of what the other person has to offer, it’s to admit your faults but to know they can be bearable; to be a friend is to offer our virtues with all generosity, and not to put on a mask or fake, it’s to live in an honest and authentic way, without hiding our little addictions, manners or differences.

That is the way I feel about us and I hope you share the same views with me too..

Have for yourself a blissful day.

Your Lady  

 

 

"Your Lady"...awwwww:

 

 

I am flattered that you refer to yourself as "my lady".  And I appreciate your enigmatic thoughts always.

 

 

The more you reveal to me, the more I know and feel as if I've known you right from the first email.

 

 

What are your dreams?  Do they involve farm animals? 

 

 

Where do you see yourself in a year from now?

 

 

And what is there that I can do for you that you haven't as yet asked?  


She's not ready just yet to move in for the 'kill', but the images are starting down a predictable path:

Baby,

Here am I again smiling all to myself. 

Just the sight of your name on my screen excites me and I want to thank you for that.. Cold day in our part of the World. Not the best time of the year from us, plenty of  mist rain and that, name it.

How your day? Mine so far not good, a little bit busy  , but I'm fine.. 

I want this note to put smile on your face, keep you company through out the day and remind you always that someone from a far is always thinking of you..

How I wish you were with me, we could go to dinner together, just the two of us, to a restaurant along the harbor.  

Drink some chilled champagne and enjoy each other’s company.  Following dinner we could take a walk along the harbor enjoying the lights and the cold evening sky full of stars.  

We could sit on a bench, and I'd have you hold me so I could rest in your arms and together we would view the beautiful starlit sky.  

Afterwards we could go  home, you would give me a massage and prepare a warm bubble bath with sweet aroma burning candles and rose petals floating in the water while sipping chilled wine/champagne.  

I certainly deserve such pampering right now in my life when all I seem to be doing is just work, work and work.

I'm seating here thinking and fantasizing of meeting you someday, Just some fragment of my thoughts.

I'll talk to you again soon OK..your Lady  

 

 

My character's up for it:

 

 

That is a fine fantasy you've painted there. 

A nice dinner by the harbor, the smell of the sea, boat emissions and harbor seals barking wistfully in the background.

 

 

And topped off by pink champagne on ice...with us as prisoners of..our own device.

While in the master's chambers, they gather for the feast.  They stab it with their steely Dans but they just can't tame the beast.

 

 

And the relaxation that follows....I like.  I approve of your massage.

 

 

Now distracted, I must get back to work with these images you paint so artfully.

Happy day!  


Just for sh*ts and giggles, I let a scam edit go to her address among the 100 or so scammers that received it, just to see what kind of response I'd get.  I wasn't long in finding out:

Hello Baby,

To see your name on the screen makes me smile, and makes me wonder how you're doing..

If your day started  well, if you had a good day, if you think of me as I always think of you here, you know those curiosities that true friends have for each other.

You know you owe me to take care of yourself and stay in the best state of shape and healthwise. Had some good moments yesterday evening and wished you were here with me.

It’s been a busy day  at work for me. I'm working and at the same time aiding my Friend/boss that I help look after her Healthcare home in Oslo with some research works too, about saving endangered species.. She's a wildlife biologist. And we are compiling a documentary that will be aired in the NATGEOWILD TV Channels.

It's always nice to learn new things and have vastly knowledge on so many things around the World...

Was involved in another work evaluation class to learn about some of the changes being proposed in my profession.  The rules of the game are constantly changing and I am required to take a minimum of 40 hours a year of education to keep my license, which sometimes isn’t enough, but for me those are formalities as I do get ahead on things here...

I am a little worn down today, probably some roast beef and chilled wine would be good for me what do you think? If you were here with me I could use some massage from you... 

`

Anyways it's nice to have words from you... They always assure me that you're doing great over there... Just take care of yourself and have a nice day out there..

Thinking of you always..Your Girl.  

 

 

So you work with endangered animals?  That's nice and you'll find this interesting:  I once participated in a project kind of similar to that...while I'm not of a farming background, I was taught that bat guano was the single most effective fertilizer known for farming in the civilized and uncivilized world.  As this was learned, demand soon began to outstrip supply.  This prompted the US Congress to take action that resulted in passage of the Federal Endangered Feces Act, something they continue to use to this day.

 

Something of a parallel we share.

I'd be happy to apply a massage to you if I were th'yah or you were h'yah.  Perhaps one day soon, one day soon.

A busy week of work it's been...I shall be happy to see it end.

Thoughts to my one and only Swedish doll. 

 Now...you all recall her reference to her sick mom, right?  Well...what my character has been expecting since she brought this up the first time has finally come to pass.  Her lead-in to ask for money...which is the game all scammers play.  Here's how she kicks it off:

I'm  having a bad day right now and i wish you are here with me , just got a call from health care home where mom is , i was told that she is not doing well that she has been in the ITU since last night and she need a new set of drugs called OLAPARIB and now i have put all my funds with my friend on his new wildlife biologist documentary that will be aired in the NATGEOWILD TV Channels comes this new year and now i don't know what to do as i didn't see this one coming and i don't have any funds with me , I'm in my office now feeling alone and weak, just wish you are close to talk and hold you baby .. I hate to ask for help, but I think you're the giving kind I can count on if you know what I mean.  Do you?  

 

 

Oh yeah...my character do:

 

 

Well, just imagine me there and I am there, soothing your big eyes as only I can.  I had a feeling this would be coming up, what with your leading into this gradually.  And yes, my Swedish squeezebox, I do know what you mean.  Just a big softie am I.  How much money do you reckon to need?  

 

 

More *Jeopardy Theme* whilst my character ponders how to proceed...and then my Swedish Big Eyes reveals her game:


Hello Baby..

I find myself at peace when I read words from you.. I see clearly your care and concerns about my style and activities here.. To be honest with you, I'd love to have you here with me right now.. I could use some hug and kiss and a feel of being closer to you.

Saturday noon here right now baby.. How's your day going over there. ? I find myself at a lost point today. I find myself needing help right now.. I do not know how to bring this to you without offending you. But I will like to seek for your help in any capacity you can help me right now..

I'm having no so good financial issues right now. And I find myself needing to restock mom's meds for this month, which is vital or all my efforts so far will be in vein and she will relapse.. I don't know how conversant you're about Ovarian Cancer Meds. But you could acquaint yourself with the help of search engines, if you search for this med.. (OLAPARIB) The hospitals cost for a months dose is $9,440 and retail (billed out cost) is $10,009.00.  

However I have contacts in other places where I get the med for half this price.  Please I don't know how this will affect us, I don't know your financial state right now.. But could I ask you for a loan of what amount you can help me with ? I know this sound almost unthinkable, and I don't know what you must think of me now.. But I'm needing urgent help please.

I'm not thinking straight right now. Please forgive that I have to write this and seek for your help baby..

Write me back soon.

Your Girl..  

 

 

Truthfully, my character has as much in no accounts as my pet rocks collectively do.  But we have a wealth of scam bank accounts, certificates, winnings, inheritances, et al that the scammers have sent us over the years.  So it seems time to pay some of that back, rather than sit here and watch my poor big-eyed Swedish fraud shed crocodile tears trying to milk whatever she can undeservedly from my character. Rather like her fellow regional climate activist scammer Greta Thunberg.

 

My pet rock, Element, just muttered something akin to "how dare you" in between *winks* and trunk snorts.  Which sound weird coming from a pet rock, but my character digresses:

 

 

It is a good thing that you're in Sweden, home of socialized medicine that makes everyone equal and no one goes without.  At least, that's what socialist nincompoops around here claim.  Obviously, they haven't heard your story.  Or if they have, they're borrowing it.

 

 

Friendships have been won and lost when it comes to the issue of lending money.  That said, my sainted parents raised me to be frugal but unshellfish when it comes to having money for the things I need, I want, and emergencies.  And I have money for all three contingencies.

 

 

I believe in preparedness, Natalie, so I have a general account from which I pay my bills; a discretionary account, from which I get things I want that aren't in the general budget; and an emergency account for the unexpected.

 

 

I just recently received an unexpected windfall from an overseas client, and am now understanding why the Great Disposer of Events has favored me with such a windfall at this peculiar time:  because you would be here in need.  And you were counting on your new found love to make this plan work.

 

 

And help I shall.  Tell me how I may help you with this deal of yours, and together we shall see it played out as it was meant to be.  I can make it happen by early next week as soon as you prepare the way.  

 

And ol' Big Eyes is thrilled: 

Baby

Thank you for being this honest with me about this money situation. I know Money can make or break a relationship in an instant.. Your opinions and insights shows you value what we have and willing to give us chance to grow.. Thank you wanting what I want.. I apologize for bringing up the money issue.. It's just that I was pressured plus my bank won't allow me access to Money because I already have a loan I'm servicing with my Monthly income and Mom's meds keeps taking chunk out of me.. I'm sure you can understand what the pressure feels like.. Just know that Money will never come between us.. I value what we have between us and share more than anything in this world OK.. You can trust me and know that together we can get to whatever height we desire baby.. Let's keep working our way to each other OK..

The loan I took from my Bank is being serviced by my monthly income and it made me struggle from time to time which is the reason why I asked for the help.. Although I need 4 to 5k USD to add to the one i have to be able to order for Mom's  meds and please i don't have much time again, this come to me on planned and if you don't mind helping me with what you can come up with  , i will be grateful and i promise to pay you back before first week of next February Please ..And please I don't know but can you can try helping out via cryptocurrency (bitcoin) and please can you search on google and see how and where you can and how you can buy to help me or other means to help me send funds over the like of bank wire transfer,  Western Union or money gram  please, if you don't mind , can i ask you how much you can help me with and what means of payment do you think you can use ? please i will love for you to give me the way / options you feel you can use and i will contract the people that sell the drugs for payment info so you can use it ..

I hope I'm making any sense here baby.. Like you can ask me questions when you do not understand anything I say OK..

Write me again baby.  Your Girl..  

 

 

Now I have what she's after:  $4,000-5,000.  In crypto/bitcoin, or cash, wire transfer...however I can get it delivered.  She has no idea how ridiculously EASY this is going to be, and how my character is going to exceed her wildest dreams...not.  But that's for soon..for now:

 

 

I have several options for sending you what you're requesting. 

 

 

Provide me with your delivery address there in Sweden and I will be working toward a proper solution with the coming of the new week.

 

 

I live but to serve, baby.  That's me.

Now her anticipation is up:

Hallingsgatan 6B

217 63 Malmö, Sweden

+46701941098

Please if you can tell me how much you can help me with , i can make contact with the sellers to send me there account number so you can pay in to them so we don't get to waste time as i am running out of time and option and please if you don't mind texting me on that number so we can test each other fast and easy please 

 

"Test each other fast and easy", eh?  That test is coming up fast:  

 

I shall have all this worked out by tomorrow, Babycakes.  And it's going to be better than you possibly imagined.  As I alluded to earlier, I recently came into a significant financial windfall.  You are to be the beneficerary.

 

 

Details in full tomorrow.  Tell the sellers to take a chill pill, tomorrow's almost here.

 OK baby thanks so much and please if you dont mind , i will love for us to be chat via texting , so if you don't many sharing your phone number with me OK  

A quick test of just how 'organized' this scammer is, before I get to executing da plan:

We'll get to the texting in a bit.  First things first:  send me how I can email your 'sellers' so I can move ahead with my plan that works well with your plan.  I can pretty much have this all wrapped up by Tuesday if I have their email contact information.  It will be the result one should anticipate in a deal like this.  I'm off to work so reply soonest with your seller's email info so I can get it done when I get back from work.  Results very soon, Babycakes.


That gets ol' Waltzing 'tilde to send my character an email address for the 'seller' of the drugs her 'mum' needs.  Some feller using the name of Walter Ben Stallings.  Ol' Jack decides to start out with finesse and diplomacy:


I am given to understand that you are the 'seller' of medications to the ill mother of Matilda Natalie Carlsson, and that you are charging outrageous prices to her for these medications.

Have I got that about right?  I'm sure I do, whatever your protestations to the contrary.

Well...I am an acquaintance of Ms Carlsson, and am here to help her out.

Contact me to establish how I will do that.  

 

 

Will the 'seller' reply to that?  *Jeopardy Theme*...meantime, this goes out to my big-eyed babe:


My big-eyed doll,

I have contacted the 'seller' -- Walter Ben Stallings -- to establish bona fides and open a dialogue.  I expect quick results.

The 'game' is rapidly approaching climax, so to speak as the 'seller' responds: 
 
Lynparza (olaparib) is a member of the PARP inhibitors drug class and is commonly used for Breast Cancer - Metastatic and Ovarian Cancer. Also know that this drug is only available for a supply of 60 capsules, depending on the pharmacy you visit. Prices are for cash paying customers only and are not valid with insurance plans.
Lynparza is available as a brand name drug only, a generic version is not yet available for sales outside

                               The price list

Oral Capsule

50 mg Lynparza oral capsule

from $3,392.24 for 112 capsule

Oral Tablet

100 mg Lynparza oral tablet

from $7,403.93 for 60 tablet

Quantity	Per unit	Price
60	$123.40	$7,403.93
120	$123.32	$14,798.37

150 mg Lynparza oral tablet

from $14,798.37 for 60 tablet

Quantity	Per unit	Price
60	$246.64	$14,798.37

The one she is buying for her mom is 150 mg and i am selling it to her at the price of $10,969$ , so if you have any friend or family with Drugs.com or you can read more for yourself and see am doing the best i can for your friend , not to add the cost for shipping and insurance, so is left for you to have a word with her if you want to help her come up with the remaining balance $4,798 so i can have the drugs in mail for her before the Christmas busy time ..

Means of payment

Bank to bank transfer , bitcoin or payment by check takes 72 banking hours before the drugs will be shipped out ..

Walter Stallings  

 

 

My character responds to Walt by forwarding him an email from yet another scammer portraying himself as 'Bank of America' with false account information, to which is added this pre-ramble:

 

 

Walt ol' bean:  I am forwarding you (see below) the mode of payment through the deposit links.  Make good use of it you overpriced bastard.  

 

 

Meantime, there's this from my big-eyed scamstress:

 

 

OK baby thanks for looking out for me and please keep me updated on how thing goes OK , and i will love for us to chat if you dont mind , send me your number or chatting me up   

 

 

Let's see how this responds excites her palate:

 

 

Business before pleasure, my pretty.  Negotiating with your 'seller' now.  Didn't your mom ever tell you to be wary of sellers with the first name of Walt?  Oh well...his wares are certainly pricey.  But here is why I can afford it:

 

The wait is long, the river is wide...and it would appear that after sending ol' Walt the scam bank transfer that was originally intended to screw my character over, ol' Walt has broken all contact with yours truly.  Meantime, ol' Big Eyes is...well *cyber crickets* as well.

No money...no honey.  So it goes with Swedish romance scammers....*snicker laugh titter ROAR*


 

An Udderly Charming Swede...Kinda -- Part 1

Y'all say hello to my scambaiting character's latest *romance* scamstress from Sweden.  This one is going by the name of Matilda Carlsson.  And she really REALLY wants to be my character's friend:

Matilda Carlsson <admin@mutonggroup.com.cn>

Fri 11/15/2019 7:14 PM

 

Hi This note might come as a surprise to you. You might consider it an invasion of privacy and I hope you forgive me , With this letter, I would like to seek for your attention. I know this is an unconventional way of reaching out to someone I've never meet or heard of. I also hope you don't find this letter provocative or intruding. I write to seek your attention as friends or maybe more.My name is Matilda Carlsson. I'm of Swede Origin. I hope you do not view my contacting you strange because I'm using something as cold as this means to reach you. But this is the best I can do for now. The purpose of this letter is to seek your friendship. And if it seats well with you, You can write me back and we can communicate further and learn about each other.I look forward to hear hearing from you. Yours Matilda 

 

 

And she started right out with this and a couple other pictures to entice my character. 

 

She succeeded...depending on her reading comprehension:

 

Matilda?  Waltzing Matilda?  Is that YOU?  

 

Turns out that her reading comprehension is dubious at best; she considers it a *win* if she gets a reply:

 

 

Hello Jack ,

Can't believe that you replied back.. The purpose of the email was solely to make a new friend from outside my comfort zone.. I needed a little distraction. Something to fall back on after work.. Call it a new friend with different idea from another culture. Call me an adventurer..I hope somehow that we can become friends and learn about each other. I'll attach my email at the end of this note. I also got your email on the LinkedIn Network site. I live in Sweden.. Please feel free and know that I mean you no harm OK..  Thank you for replying my email. It was a total out of the blue gamble and you replied. Write me back when you can.

Yours Matilda..  

 

And she includes another photo of her:

 

 

We'll overlook the little tidbit that my scambaiting character here has no LinkedIn account to get an email address from.  That said...*GAME ON*:

 

 

Remind me to tell you a story about a Matilda that I never knew, but heard about.  

 

 

i will love to hear it and i will love to get to know you , so if you dont mind telling me more about yourself   

 

 

Careful what you wish for...unless you aren't paying attention:

 

 

I am abundantly pleased to tell you the story:

Earl and Matilda are lovers.  One soft summer's eve they take a stroll in a community garden, with the moon illuminating the venue in soft lighting while a slight breeze rustles through the newly leafed trees.  Overcome in the moment, Matilda turns to Earl and says, "whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".

 

Earl pauses, then turns to Matilda, leans down and whispers in her ear "bullsh*t, Matilda".

 

I find that useful when receiving emails from afar.

Not much to tell about me...I'm a low-key, dry-witted curmudgeon.  Let's hear your spiel.  

 

 

A day later, it comes:

 

 

Jack 

Thank you for the note.. I want you to know that I'm not Familiar with this sort of long distance communication as this is my first experience.. So I plead with you to beer with me while we try to work this out OK...I've been wanting to try something like this, not there are not men hear, you can just consider me an adventurer.....

I believe that you will learn about me but that has to go with time, and from time to time I will write you and tell you more about myself and I will also learn from you too. Okay here are thing I think are vital to know about me. First I am from a family of three and I'm the only girl... I am from Western Sweden  Goteborg Province, a lovely place to be. I work here and I have host of other things I do too.. I have friends and I am easy going person that loves to catch fun and make friends, I keep my head straight and do my work because it's what keeps me going. oh by the way, I'm 5'7 tall.. 

I am a Nurse, I went to University of Life Sciences and nursing and then got my Master's in nursing education. I am not teaching yet, because I enjoy my current job tremendously, and I want the flexibility to spend more time with doing other things I want to do.

I work as a clinical supervisor at a home health agency, I train all the staff, I set up care plans for elderly and assign people to help them in various aspects of their lives. I have done this for over six years.

I believe in God, I talk to God, I know that we are all here to learn our lessons in lives, I know that we are to do good for others and ourselves in the best of our abilities without putting ourselves down.

I love to travel, I have been to Spain, Italy, Russia, Canada, mexico, Jamaica, Cozumel, England, some small islands, France. I love learning about other cultures and traditions and meet people. I like to hike, I like most water activities. I like to meditate, do yoga, swim....

I like most things in life because I believe they are truly a gift from God meant for our enjoyment. I cannot think of anything I hate, I have things I don't prefer, such as watching horror movies. If I ran across a person that I truly believe is evil for whatever reason, I would simply walk away and let them deal with their own demons.

I am generally a very positive person, I believe most people are good and/or are trying to be good. Sometimes, they have circumstances that are not favorable, but that is just the process of learning for them. I don't judge and I don't like to be judged. I like to read, do crossword puzzles, logic games. I enjoy operas, shows, concerts. I like all music, except rap.

I am very fit and take great care in staying that way, so I watch what I eat and I am very active. I don't like to drink much because it only makes me sleepy, I don't smoke,  I have never done drugs and do not intend to start....

Write me and tell me about yourself, your likes and hates, I am waiting for you. I think with these you will be able to imagine the kind of person I am, like to hear from you soonest remain blessed. So I will be waiting for your reply. Have a nice day. I hope the email isn't too long for you to read.

 

Kind Regards,

Natalie  

 

 

*TOING*...'Natalie'?  LOL...already forgetting who she's supposed to be.  My character won't go there just yet.  She also included this picture that was probably meant to get my character to take notice:

 

 

Yes indeed...she do have big eyes.

 

Ol' Jack is on it:

 

Yes, from the pictures it was obvious to me that your expertise is in nursing.  And what alluring eyes you have.

Worry not...I'll beer with you as you experience this new adventurer, and won't give a thought to what's hear, here, there or anywhere in between.
 

A little about me:  I am a widower.  My one and only wife died in a tragic farm accident a year after we were married.  What made it more tragic was we didn't live on a farm.

 

I have not remarried since, as she was my one and only, and was easy to inflate when I was in the mood.

 

I worked my way through college as an amateur gynecologist, and hold degrees in both Fahrenheit and Celsius, with a minor in Kelvin. 

 

I am not the world traveler that you've been; I have only been in the US, except for two trips to foreign lands:  Mexico and Texas.

 

I like to hike, fish, target shoot, chase storms and am an extensive writer.
 

From the pictures you sent, I can see whoever that is in them is in excellent shape.  Udderly magnificent, in fact.
 

I look forward to reading more from you and hearing about your ever changing life and times.  

 

Her reply to that is a hoot, particularly the first couple sentences:
 

 

First I want to start by saying thank you to you for making out time to write me, Thank you for telling me a lot more about yourself, I love the sincerity with which you write to me, Thank you so much, Gradually we’re getting to knowing each other and I want you to know that it means much to me. I know that we have a lot of things to catch up between us; I know we have the distance to deal with; we have trust and other issues to deal with. I am however confident that with each others consent and trust, we can make something happen between us.I know that we have a lot of things to catch up between us; I know we have the distance to deal with; we have trust and other issues to deal with. I am however confident that with each others consent and trust, we can grow our friendship.

I read about you and I see you as someone with Charisma and a principled person and I want to thank you for that, Thank you for giving us the chance to at least get to know each other, I look forward to learning a lot more about you, and I believe I’ll tell you more about myself as the day goes by. I just want you to know that you’re someone I want to get to know better, even as a friend or more. I know you might want to ask yourself from time to time why I choose to write you and why I choose this medium to connect with someone. I want you to know that this is what I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve always had this dream of seeing the rest of the World, call me an adventurer or something more.

I've been out of relationship for the best part of Ten months now.. I broke up with my ex fiance because of work related issues and my mom..

We were going to get married and he wanted me at that time to move with him to France, and it was at time when Mom was struggling big time with her illness.. So I turned it down and requested that he allow me a little time to sort things out, he grew impatient and we could no longer deal with the distance.

I've been focusing on my work and trying to take care of my Mom and get my life back in order.  I have a lot of things I'll tell you when we meet at some point.. I hope we are able to establish trust between us and learn about each other.

I want for this to work out between us. Like I said we will have so many obstacles, but I want to have a great hope that in the end it will all turn out well for us. I wish I knew more of what to say to you. I wish that I knew something, ANYTHING, to say that would encourage you. I want you to know that I'm learner and I'm willing to learn anything that is the truth.... Perhaps we should take things one step at a time and see where this lands us......

Kind Regards,

Matilda 

At least in this one, she remembered who she was supposed to be.  I'll reward her with "encouragement":


Making time out to write to you is no problem 'tall, Matilda.  You fascinate me in ways I'm only now coming to figure out.  I am enamored of your big eyes.

 

Graduality is a good and wise choice in cultivating a bumper crop of friendship at a long distance.  It closely matches my methodology in learning more about what and how someone wants to give me the business.

 

You answered one question I had...why you were not comfortably situated in a relationship in your own country.  Why would anyone of sound mind and willing remainder want to move to France?  You were wise to remain in Sweden.

You know, things are just that, things:  things can be great, and things can be obstacles.  We allow things to become what they become.  There are no obstacles where things are properly viewed and managed.  That's been a personal philosophy of mine I got from Carl Spackler, a golf course maintenance dude I knew a few years ago.  He had a thing for zen philosophy, joints and gophers.  Therapy helped him with the latter.

 

So if you wish to see how we can evolve into something that fits your original intentions from your original email, you have only to be candid and direct.  With my lonely widower hood, I am open to the kind of change you've obliquely suggested.  And as I said...I am enamored of your eyes.

 

Speak to me of your heart's desires.  Be light and fluffy, like a soufflé.  There are no obstacles between you and I, Matilda...only opportunities.

 

Going back to Natalie in her reply, Matilda/Natalie is touched by my responds:

You can't imagine how my face is glowing with smiles just reading your emails... I'm pretty sure you're fine and your day is starting well with you over there today? My intents are for this little note to find you well and make you happy and make your day.. Yours already made my day.... It's yet another day here, and I wanted to start my day with you...

 

Thank you for the beautiful words, gradually we're building something nice that only you and I can understand... We're creating something unique between us and believe me with each passing day I get eager to know a thing or two about you...

 

I seat I think of things to tell you about me that will give you a lot more insight about who I am and how I lead my life here... One thing you should know though is that I'm pretty a busy person, mostly work related... I'm at a eatery here, and I'm eating Salmon Salad with Parsley and Capers, you know what it is? I just wish you're here to have some with me, while we have a lite-heated conversation... Just know that reading your words excite me a lot as you're my new found friend, one that I'm willing to do everything in my powers to meet at some point..

 

To share more about my country with you... First, it's a beautiful country with wonderful sight seeings around, if you ever come here I promise you, you won't regret making the Journey... The only problem we have is that It's very costly to live here in Sweden... That is why I work Mondays through Friday, I don't work on weekends, for you to keep up with Bills here, You have work extra hours.. Plus I have an ailing Mom battling Cancer who doesn't live with me... She's staying in her Country of Origin Lisbon Portugal, so you now know that I'm half Swede and half Portuguese.. After her and Dad Separated she went back to her Country of Origin...

 

Thought you should also know that I'm a left handler.... I do most things with my left hand, I write with my left hand... What have you to say about that?? I speak English with accent too.. I'm just trying to tell you stuffs about myself.. I know that there are lots of things that we'll learn about each other when we get together... I believe it will be fun too....  Thanks for telling me a lot about you...

 

Just a part of the my note to you... Expect more to come soon...  

While my pet rocks are *yawning* in the corner, I can hardly wait:

Well, if you must know, I live but to serve.  And having served you up a smile can only be a good thing in the cosmic scheme of things.

Yes, I know a few things about Sweden:  location, basic geogiraffics, climate, culture, high cost of living, rampant muslim immigration problems.  It probably does take working a regular five day week to avoid getting violated while affording to live there.  It kinda does that here, except that's how my boss schedules me.  At any rate, it takes me working a five day week to be able to afford kumquats.

 

I sense a plan in your last email...that you'd like me to come and visit.  I could probably breathe hard and visit as well, with you big eyes greeting me at the airport.  That's definitely something to think about, and you've set me to thinking about it.
 

Yes, you did mention your mom is battling cancer, and that makes it a bit expensive, trying to overcome an astrological sign.  At least now I know the coming/breathing hard angle.  I am most gratified that you let me know this so I know what to expect in the coming emails.

I cannot wait for your next revelations, my big-eyed one.  You amuse me pleasantly with each new missive.  Rest assured of that.  Amusement and pleasure are again in my life thanks to you.  

 

 

Well, it's kinda true.  

At any rate, Matilda/Natalie's comprehension allows for further repartee:

Hope you're fine and this note will find you well and make your day..

Each time I read from you it makes me happy and trust me when I tell you that it does make my day too. Can't believe that we are communicating, I hope we get to know each other and hope our new found friendship grows beyond what it is right now..

Thank you for accepting me as your friend, even though I know we still have a long way to go in getting to know each other... I believe we'll try and share and learn about each other in each and every note we exchange, do you agree with me??

Currently in the comfort of my room, just putting things in order. Thinking about other things to share with you about me.

This evening, Am prepare Skirt Steak with Sweet Potato Wedges and Parsley Salad, I'm adventurous when it comes to cooking, I consider myself a very good cook and I like to try out new things ones in a while, like continental dishes..

I'm just trying to let you know the type of person I am and things I do in my spare time.. I like to read too, I've read lots of inspiring books and anything that can add value to my life style..

I like to travel a lot as well, I like to see new places, you can consider me a lively person with lots of ideas, and ambitious too I just like to enjoy myself.. My Favorite colors are Pink,Purple and blue.. . My Flower liking varies, But I like these set of flowers mostly, they include, Roses, Sunflower, Daisies, Iris, Daffodils, You can say that I have some kind of wild taste right? I have taste when it comes to Jewelries... I wear both diamonds and pearls...

I still have a whole lots of things to tell you about me and how I lead my life here, but guess that has to do with time.. The goal is for you to be happy and to learn all there's to learn about me..

Always nice to have words from you  

 

 

Not one to disappoint...at least yet:

 

 

Always your emails fascinate me with snippets of what you pass to me as your life and literacy.

Always educational for me to see how everything registrates with you.

As you can tell, I'm a man of few words, except when it comes to school term papers.  Lately I try to avoid those.

You speak of cooking as being adventuresome.  For me, cooking is akin to culinary barbarity.  Those who have survived my time in any kitchen have branded me as Chef Boy-R-Dee-Structive.  I can make a soufflé that runs from the oven screaming.  I have to chain up my refrigerator to contain the horrors of leftovers trying to escape from it.  Needless to say, I order a lot of delivery.

A woman and her jewelry.  I know the cost well.  Fortunately, I don't wear jewelry so I can afford it for the woman in my future.

 

I work a lot so my traveling days have been limited.  I have been to Mexico; almost got shot there.  I haven't been to Spain, but I kinda like the tacos.  Say the ladies are insane there...and they sure know how to use it.  But they got nothing on you.

I like the color pink on a woman, and I wear blue, black and brown a lot.

Keep updating me, by my-eyed friend.  Things grow between us with each new spread of fertilizer.  That's how to cultivate a healthy relationship.

 

Mincing Matilda slips a cog again on her reply regarding who she is, but udderwise she slices, dices and entices:

 

I'm always thrilled each time that I have words from you. amazing how time fly it yet aother week. We're gradually growing and getting better with each communication. I want nothing more but for us to grow into something beautiful.

Well we have been writing each other for a little while now and I thought it would be a good time to tell me about both my good points and maybe my not so good points, so here goes, hope this is not to boring.

What I believe are my good points.

Very caring, the person I love is always Number 1 to me.

Honest, I always say what is on my mind, even if it might not be what you want to hear.

Affectionate, I love holding hands in public, I love to be kissed.

Hard Working, I work sometime 7 days a week, of course it is not an 8 or 10 hour day, but in my job, if I do not take care of my clients someone else will.

Clean, I like to try and keep a clean home with my two dogs that is not always easy, but I try.

Like to cook, I do enjoy cooking and making a romantic dinner for the two of us.

Fun, I enjoy laughing, having fun, life is to short to not enjoy it.

Romantic, I like to be with the one I love and to treat him as if he is the only person left on earth.

Passionate, I do everything I can to ensure my partner is always satisfied both in the bed room and outside of it.

Now for some of my not so good traits.

I'm hot tempered, working on it.

I sometimes start to many projects and take to much time to complete any of them.

I sleep in the Nude, I have been doing that since I got out of high school.

I some times do not want to do anything just be lazy.

Well there you have it, now you really are starting to know me, hope this does not scare you away, but I thought you should know these things about me. 

Just know that you can tell me anything and everything about yourself too.. It's fun what we are doing and I can't wait to see us grow from strength to strength.

Just make sure you have for yourself a wonderful Day.

Admirations.
Natalie 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, wanted to inject something here so I decided to risk a pet rock's perspective on romance in Scam Land:

 

My...such revelations about you.  Whether you're Matilda or Natalie, you never cease to find things to reveal that pique my attention.

Since you are sharing such intimacies, I think that I should do so as well:

What I take to be my good points:

• I am prompt
• I am rock solid in my core lode beliefs
• I say what's on my mind, even when nothing is

 

• If I do say so myself, I'm a great kisser of whatever is needing kissing

 

• I know nothing other than hard work, for it has allowed me the fabulous wealth I possess
• My wit is very dry; so dry, the National Weather Service posts drought alerts wherever I travel
• As regards cleanliness, I have an agreement with dust:  outnumbered by it as I am, if I ever sneeze and room visibility drops to zero, it's time to move
• I love passion, especially in bed

 

My not so good traits include:

• Flatulence
• A tendency to laugh at inopportune moments
• Taking advantage of nude sleepers
• A need to respond to unsolicited emails regardless of the content, intent et al

 

Yes, I too am very moved along by the progress we are making.  I learn more with each respond you send me.  

 

Whether it be because of her earlier slip ups or that she's occasionally reading some of what my character replies, this one got something of a tart response that aims to 'fix' the record:


Matilda Natalie Carlsson and to clear you , my mom is the only one that calls me by that name Natalie because thats her mom name too OK  


Got it.  So you are Matilda Natalie Carlsson, but only your mom can call you Natalie.  I stand cleared.  Does your mom have as big of eyes as you do?

 

 What that reply elicited was a series of questions which my pet rocks found highly amusing.  Her questions are in bold, and my character's responses in italics:


thought I would ask you a few questions and I hope these are OK with you, if you see some that you do not want to answer that is OK.

1. WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Sex

2. What is your favorite Holiday of the Year?

Anyone I get to have sex on

3. WHAT QUALITY IS MOST ATTRACTIVE TO YOU IN A PARTNER?

Her sexiness

4. Have you ever driven a car?

Dunno 'bout that, but I've driven a golf ball.

 

5. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE WITH YOUR PARENTS?

Over...they're both dead.

6. Have you been to any other countries?

I answered this in a previous reply.

7. WHAT ARE YOUR LONG-TERM GOALS?

Sex with the woman of my dreams and lots of money.

8. Have you ever been fishing?

Oh yes...I've been approached by and caught my share of suckers.

9. NAME THREE THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR PARTNER?

Living, breathing, having sex.

 

10. If you could where would you like to go for a vacation?

Liechtenstein...I hear the ladies are insane there, and they sure know how to use it.

 

11. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Emails like this one.

12. What is your ideal romantic evening?

One that ends with passionate sex.

13. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WON’T TOLERATE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

No sex.

14. What is your favorite color?

Blue

15. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST STRENGTH AND WEAKNESS?

Strength of will, forgiveness of deceit

16. Which do you like more Chocolate or Ice cream?

Yes

17. ARE YOU FAMILY ORIENTED?

Depends on whose family

 

18. Would you enjoy taking a shower with your partner?

YOWZA

19. HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR DOWNTIME? 

Down

20. Do you have a favorite position for making love?

In her

 

21. WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IS YOUR WORST QUALITY?

Flatulence

22. What do you like your partner to do to you while making love?

Crochet

 

23. ARE YOU A GRUDGE HOLDER?

Depends on if the grudge needs holding or not.

24. WHAT IS THE LONGEST RELATIONSHIP YOU’VE BEEN IN AND WHY DID IT END?

With my late wife; she died (see earlier email).

25. FOR WHAT IN LIFE DO YOU FEEL THE MOST GRATEFUL?

Ability to know BS when I receive it in email.

 

Well I hope this questions are not out of line and you do not get upset at me for asking some of them.

My character didn't mind; question is, did she mind my responses?  *Jeopardy Theme*...and on to Part II.