Skunkfeathers: An Edit Befitting An "Editing Gone Wild" Pet Rock

I think it has quite enough cow bell.

I seem to have inadvertently ignited something of a competition between my two 'editing-gone-wild' pet rocks, Seymour and Element, when it comes to editing and responding to email scammers.

Take this email scam from a Jane Walker for example:

Good day and Compliments,
My name is Jane Walker; I am from Heath town in Alabama City of USA. Presently I am in Afghanistan, where am working with the US International Red Cross Organization under United Nations programs. I am Nurse practitioners (NP), a health professional. I am 27yrs of age, single and also a born again Christian and I am also a Kingdom Minded person, It is my desire to serve the military faithfully and be a servant "of whom the world is worthy" according to HEBREWS 11.

Although I am assuring you that you have nothing to be worried about, as far as I am concerned, because I am doing this not by my power neither by my own decision but through a divine direction / instruction from God.

With a desperate need for an mutual business proposal that will benefit both of us, I have been blessed to come about some box contenting $2.5million US Dollars here in Afghanistan and i want to work with you to ship it out of this country and invest it in NGO FOUNDATION and HELPING WIDOWS AND MOTHERLESS CHILDREN AND POOR COUNTRIES with your advice and assistance, I am entrusting this $2.5m US Dollars to you and want you to use the money for the work of God in your Country.

If you are really interested in this transaction truly for the purpose of God's work only, in order to extend His Kingdom, and also for me to be well assured and have solid assurance that the fund that will be given to you, will be used wisely by you for God's work to facilitate what God is doing through your Country. As soon as I hear from you, I will tell you how to go about this project.

Yours sincerely,
Ms. Jane Walker.

Not much to it, right? That's what Seymour thought.

"Did NOT!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

At any rate, I awarded this edit to Element. And I must say...she was on something when she edited it:

Good day and condiments...I relish ketchup

My name is Jane Walker; at least it is today for this template. It's been some pretty unpronounceable crap lately but I digress.

I am from Heath town in Alabama City of USA. It's a place. It might not be a 'woke' place, but it's a place. It might be great to be from for all I know. Ask Lynrd Skynrd and not Neil Young 'bout that.

Presently I am in Afghanistan, where I found myself after actually taking that infamous left toin at Albuquerque. I was only going out for beer and an IUD.

Being so misguided, I joined a traveling road show in a Third World craphole, where I met a group of wayward non-existentialists who are drinking wine, eating cheese and catching some rays, practicing their other dog imitations. It's peculiar.

They told me that they was working with the US International Red Cross Organization under United Nations programs, but they told me this in Azerbaijani which my Gooble Translooter mistranslated, and now I am on my way to Burundi as a Red Cross parcel, labeled as an inflatable Nurse practitioner (NP), a health professional with a squeaky slow leak. I am 27yrs of age, single and also in need of a couple patches.

Mom and my weird Uncle Fester warned me about days like this.

While in transit I met a born again refried burrito named Achmed and also a Kingdom Minded tamale named Booger. Really, that's the tamale's name: Booger. It will tell you so, and some pretty bad jokes in Spanish if you rub it in the right place. At any rate, it is my desire to get out of Burundi without having to hear any more coffee/HEBREW jokes from a couple Taco Bell refugees.

Although I am assuring you that you have nothing to be worried about as far as I am concerned, perhaps you should be at least a little concerned because this email found you, or possibly someone that farts like you. A whole choir of them can make quite a stampede on the Serengeti. I think Clint Eastwood did a couple Serengeti westerns there in the '60s. I bring that up because I am doing this not by my power neither by my own decision but through a hallucinogen that somehow got in my tofurkey which Mom and my weird Uncle Fester warned me about as well.

With a desperate need for this to somehow make sense and perhaps some dollars too, I have been blessed with the ability to play my arm pit and fart in e-flat. You can hire me for two shows a night, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, roombas christenings, crustacean jousting events and food fights in college cafeterias. It's not that I want to work with you personally; I consider you a putz. Just asking for a friend.

Please note that this has nothing to do with the NGO FOUNDATION and HELPING WIDOWS AND MOTHERLESS CHILDREN AND POOR COUNTRIES. It further has nothing to do with impeachment circuses or evidence that Epstein didn't kill himself with a Salad Shooter. It might have something to do with cosmic projectile vomiting, if Uranus ever ingests a bag of e-coli'd salad, but that would take over eight years to get back here. Plenty of time to change your address, look and gender.

If you are really interested in this transaction truly for the purpose of the work of some deified cosmic meadow muffin of dubious fecalcedence, schedule yourself for a mental health exam. Seriously, look me up on the wall of any public urinal in Liechtenstein. If your name is Ricci, remember don't lose that number...it could be the only one you own. For in the end, not only is what you et, but how it comes out that determines if you use paper, plastic, a douche or a fire hose to deal with any aftermath.

Since this email was supposed to have been "from the desk of" Jane Walker -- no relation to the Imperial Walkers of Newark -- I am dictated by that desk to include this disclaimer: God did not endorse or get paid for not endorsing this email. In order to extend His Kingdom, He must collect enough credits to be able to invade and conquer Irkutsk when it's His turn in the community Risk game. Also for me to be well assured and have solid assurance that none of this winds up on YouTube, Dancing With The Stars, The Gong Show, or 60 Minutes. Please use this email wisely by you for to facilitate what God is now laughing hysterically at, and what South Park will probably parody soon.

As soon as I hear from you, I will probably experience gastrointestinal seizures. None of these have worked yet.

Yours about as insincerely as imaginable,
Ms. Jane Walker

It amused me that the originating scammer sent the original message to about 100 assorted email addresses...all gleaned from online guest books and other dubious sources. So I had Element hit 'reply all' with her edit upon return.

So far, we've gotten four "not good address" notifications and a "bad words" warning from a school email addy as replies. Nothing from the originating scammer.

Element holds out hope for a reply. Seymour...well, he's just waiting for HIS turn.