An Udderly Charming Swede...Kinda -- Part 1

Y'all say hello to my scambaiting character's latest *romance* scamstress from Sweden.  This one is going by the name of Matilda Carlsson.  And she really REALLY wants to be my character's friend:

Matilda Carlsson <admin@mutonggroup.com.cn>

Fri 11/15/2019 7:14 PM

 

Hi This note might come as a surprise to you. You might consider it an invasion of privacy and I hope you forgive me , With this letter, I would like to seek for your attention. I know this is an unconventional way of reaching out to someone I've never meet or heard of. I also hope you don't find this letter provocative or intruding. I write to seek your attention as friends or maybe more.My name is Matilda Carlsson. I'm of Swede Origin. I hope you do not view my contacting you strange because I'm using something as cold as this means to reach you. But this is the best I can do for now. The purpose of this letter is to seek your friendship. And if it seats well with you, You can write me back and we can communicate further and learn about each other.I look forward to hear hearing from you. Yours Matilda 

 

 

And she started right out with this and a couple other pictures to entice my character. 

 

She succeeded...depending on her reading comprehension:

 

Matilda?  Waltzing Matilda?  Is that YOU?  

 

Turns out that her reading comprehension is dubious at best; she considers it a *win* if she gets a reply:

 

 

Hello Jack ,

Can't believe that you replied back.. The purpose of the email was solely to make a new friend from outside my comfort zone.. I needed a little distraction. Something to fall back on after work.. Call it a new friend with different idea from another culture. Call me an adventurer..I hope somehow that we can become friends and learn about each other. I'll attach my email at the end of this note. I also got your email on the LinkedIn Network site. I live in Sweden.. Please feel free and know that I mean you no harm OK..  Thank you for replying my email. It was a total out of the blue gamble and you replied. Write me back when you can.

Yours Matilda..  

 

And she includes another photo of her:

 

 

We'll overlook the little tidbit that my scambaiting character here has no LinkedIn account to get an email address from.  That said...*GAME ON*:

 

 

Remind me to tell you a story about a Matilda that I never knew, but heard about.  

 

 

i will love to hear it and i will love to get to know you , so if you dont mind telling me more about yourself   

 

 

Careful what you wish for...unless you aren't paying attention:

 

 

I am abundantly pleased to tell you the story:

Earl and Matilda are lovers.  One soft summer's eve they take a stroll in a community garden, with the moon illuminating the venue in soft lighting while a slight breeze rustles through the newly leafed trees.  Overcome in the moment, Matilda turns to Earl and says, "whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".

 

Earl pauses, then turns to Matilda, leans down and whispers in her ear "bullsh*t, Matilda".

 

I find that useful when receiving emails from afar.

Not much to tell about me...I'm a low-key, dry-witted curmudgeon.  Let's hear your spiel.  

 

 

A day later, it comes:

 

 

Jack 

Thank you for the note.. I want you to know that I'm not Familiar with this sort of long distance communication as this is my first experience.. So I plead with you to beer with me while we try to work this out OK...I've been wanting to try something like this, not there are not men hear, you can just consider me an adventurer.....

I believe that you will learn about me but that has to go with time, and from time to time I will write you and tell you more about myself and I will also learn from you too. Okay here are thing I think are vital to know about me. First I am from a family of three and I'm the only girl... I am from Western Sweden  Goteborg Province, a lovely place to be. I work here and I have host of other things I do too.. I have friends and I am easy going person that loves to catch fun and make friends, I keep my head straight and do my work because it's what keeps me going. oh by the way, I'm 5'7 tall.. 

I am a Nurse, I went to University of Life Sciences and nursing and then got my Master's in nursing education. I am not teaching yet, because I enjoy my current job tremendously, and I want the flexibility to spend more time with doing other things I want to do.

I work as a clinical supervisor at a home health agency, I train all the staff, I set up care plans for elderly and assign people to help them in various aspects of their lives. I have done this for over six years.

I believe in God, I talk to God, I know that we are all here to learn our lessons in lives, I know that we are to do good for others and ourselves in the best of our abilities without putting ourselves down.

I love to travel, I have been to Spain, Italy, Russia, Canada, mexico, Jamaica, Cozumel, England, some small islands, France. I love learning about other cultures and traditions and meet people. I like to hike, I like most water activities. I like to meditate, do yoga, swim....

I like most things in life because I believe they are truly a gift from God meant for our enjoyment. I cannot think of anything I hate, I have things I don't prefer, such as watching horror movies. If I ran across a person that I truly believe is evil for whatever reason, I would simply walk away and let them deal with their own demons.

I am generally a very positive person, I believe most people are good and/or are trying to be good. Sometimes, they have circumstances that are not favorable, but that is just the process of learning for them. I don't judge and I don't like to be judged. I like to read, do crossword puzzles, logic games. I enjoy operas, shows, concerts. I like all music, except rap.

I am very fit and take great care in staying that way, so I watch what I eat and I am very active. I don't like to drink much because it only makes me sleepy, I don't smoke,  I have never done drugs and do not intend to start....

Write me and tell me about yourself, your likes and hates, I am waiting for you. I think with these you will be able to imagine the kind of person I am, like to hear from you soonest remain blessed. So I will be waiting for your reply. Have a nice day. I hope the email isn't too long for you to read.

 

Kind Regards,

Natalie  

 

 

*TOING*...'Natalie'?  LOL...already forgetting who she's supposed to be.  My character won't go there just yet.  She also included this picture that was probably meant to get my character to take notice:

 

 

Yes indeed...she do have big eyes.

 

Ol' Jack is on it:

 

Yes, from the pictures it was obvious to me that your expertise is in nursing.  And what alluring eyes you have.

Worry not...I'll beer with you as you experience this new adventurer, and won't give a thought to what's hear, here, there or anywhere in between.
 

A little about me:  I am a widower.  My one and only wife died in a tragic farm accident a year after we were married.  What made it more tragic was we didn't live on a farm.

 

I have not remarried since, as she was my one and only, and was easy to inflate when I was in the mood.

 

I worked my way through college as an amateur gynecologist, and hold degrees in both Fahrenheit and Celsius, with a minor in Kelvin. 

 

I am not the world traveler that you've been; I have only been in the US, except for two trips to foreign lands:  Mexico and Texas.

 

I like to hike, fish, target shoot, chase storms and am an extensive writer.
 

From the pictures you sent, I can see whoever that is in them is in excellent shape.  Udderly magnificent, in fact.
 

I look forward to reading more from you and hearing about your ever changing life and times.  

 

Her reply to that is a hoot, particularly the first couple sentences:
 

 

First I want to start by saying thank you to you for making out time to write me, Thank you for telling me a lot more about yourself, I love the sincerity with which you write to me, Thank you so much, Gradually we’re getting to knowing each other and I want you to know that it means much to me. I know that we have a lot of things to catch up between us; I know we have the distance to deal with; we have trust and other issues to deal with. I am however confident that with each others consent and trust, we can make something happen between us.I know that we have a lot of things to catch up between us; I know we have the distance to deal with; we have trust and other issues to deal with. I am however confident that with each others consent and trust, we can grow our friendship.

I read about you and I see you as someone with Charisma and a principled person and I want to thank you for that, Thank you for giving us the chance to at least get to know each other, I look forward to learning a lot more about you, and I believe I’ll tell you more about myself as the day goes by. I just want you to know that you’re someone I want to get to know better, even as a friend or more. I know you might want to ask yourself from time to time why I choose to write you and why I choose this medium to connect with someone. I want you to know that this is what I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve always had this dream of seeing the rest of the World, call me an adventurer or something more.

I've been out of relationship for the best part of Ten months now.. I broke up with my ex fiance because of work related issues and my mom..

We were going to get married and he wanted me at that time to move with him to France, and it was at time when Mom was struggling big time with her illness.. So I turned it down and requested that he allow me a little time to sort things out, he grew impatient and we could no longer deal with the distance.

I've been focusing on my work and trying to take care of my Mom and get my life back in order.  I have a lot of things I'll tell you when we meet at some point.. I hope we are able to establish trust between us and learn about each other.

I want for this to work out between us. Like I said we will have so many obstacles, but I want to have a great hope that in the end it will all turn out well for us. I wish I knew more of what to say to you. I wish that I knew something, ANYTHING, to say that would encourage you. I want you to know that I'm learner and I'm willing to learn anything that is the truth.... Perhaps we should take things one step at a time and see where this lands us......

Kind Regards,

Matilda 

At least in this one, she remembered who she was supposed to be.  I'll reward her with "encouragement":


Making time out to write to you is no problem 'tall, Matilda.  You fascinate me in ways I'm only now coming to figure out.  I am enamored of your big eyes.

 

Graduality is a good and wise choice in cultivating a bumper crop of friendship at a long distance.  It closely matches my methodology in learning more about what and how someone wants to give me the business.

 

You answered one question I had...why you were not comfortably situated in a relationship in your own country.  Why would anyone of sound mind and willing remainder want to move to France?  You were wise to remain in Sweden.

You know, things are just that, things:  things can be great, and things can be obstacles.  We allow things to become what they become.  There are no obstacles where things are properly viewed and managed.  That's been a personal philosophy of mine I got from Carl Spackler, a golf course maintenance dude I knew a few years ago.  He had a thing for zen philosophy, joints and gophers.  Therapy helped him with the latter.

 

So if you wish to see how we can evolve into something that fits your original intentions from your original email, you have only to be candid and direct.  With my lonely widower hood, I am open to the kind of change you've obliquely suggested.  And as I said...I am enamored of your eyes.

 

Speak to me of your heart's desires.  Be light and fluffy, like a soufflé.  There are no obstacles between you and I, Matilda...only opportunities.

 

Going back to Natalie in her reply, Matilda/Natalie is touched by my responds:

You can't imagine how my face is glowing with smiles just reading your emails... I'm pretty sure you're fine and your day is starting well with you over there today? My intents are for this little note to find you well and make you happy and make your day.. Yours already made my day.... It's yet another day here, and I wanted to start my day with you...

 

Thank you for the beautiful words, gradually we're building something nice that only you and I can understand... We're creating something unique between us and believe me with each passing day I get eager to know a thing or two about you...

 

I seat I think of things to tell you about me that will give you a lot more insight about who I am and how I lead my life here... One thing you should know though is that I'm pretty a busy person, mostly work related... I'm at a eatery here, and I'm eating Salmon Salad with Parsley and Capers, you know what it is? I just wish you're here to have some with me, while we have a lite-heated conversation... Just know that reading your words excite me a lot as you're my new found friend, one that I'm willing to do everything in my powers to meet at some point..

 

To share more about my country with you... First, it's a beautiful country with wonderful sight seeings around, if you ever come here I promise you, you won't regret making the Journey... The only problem we have is that It's very costly to live here in Sweden... That is why I work Mondays through Friday, I don't work on weekends, for you to keep up with Bills here, You have work extra hours.. Plus I have an ailing Mom battling Cancer who doesn't live with me... She's staying in her Country of Origin Lisbon Portugal, so you now know that I'm half Swede and half Portuguese.. After her and Dad Separated she went back to her Country of Origin...

 

Thought you should also know that I'm a left handler.... I do most things with my left hand, I write with my left hand... What have you to say about that?? I speak English with accent too.. I'm just trying to tell you stuffs about myself.. I know that there are lots of things that we'll learn about each other when we get together... I believe it will be fun too....  Thanks for telling me a lot about you...

 

Just a part of the my note to you... Expect more to come soon...  

While my pet rocks are *yawning* in the corner, I can hardly wait:

Well, if you must know, I live but to serve.  And having served you up a smile can only be a good thing in the cosmic scheme of things.

Yes, I know a few things about Sweden:  location, basic geogiraffics, climate, culture, high cost of living, rampant muslim immigration problems.  It probably does take working a regular five day week to avoid getting violated while affording to live there.  It kinda does that here, except that's how my boss schedules me.  At any rate, it takes me working a five day week to be able to afford kumquats.

 

I sense a plan in your last email...that you'd like me to come and visit.  I could probably breathe hard and visit as well, with you big eyes greeting me at the airport.  That's definitely something to think about, and you've set me to thinking about it.
 

Yes, you did mention your mom is battling cancer, and that makes it a bit expensive, trying to overcome an astrological sign.  At least now I know the coming/breathing hard angle.  I am most gratified that you let me know this so I know what to expect in the coming emails.

I cannot wait for your next revelations, my big-eyed one.  You amuse me pleasantly with each new missive.  Rest assured of that.  Amusement and pleasure are again in my life thanks to you.  

 

 

Well, it's kinda true.  

At any rate, Matilda/Natalie's comprehension allows for further repartee:

Hope you're fine and this note will find you well and make your day..

Each time I read from you it makes me happy and trust me when I tell you that it does make my day too. Can't believe that we are communicating, I hope we get to know each other and hope our new found friendship grows beyond what it is right now..

Thank you for accepting me as your friend, even though I know we still have a long way to go in getting to know each other... I believe we'll try and share and learn about each other in each and every note we exchange, do you agree with me??

Currently in the comfort of my room, just putting things in order. Thinking about other things to share with you about me.

This evening, Am prepare Skirt Steak with Sweet Potato Wedges and Parsley Salad, I'm adventurous when it comes to cooking, I consider myself a very good cook and I like to try out new things ones in a while, like continental dishes..

I'm just trying to let you know the type of person I am and things I do in my spare time.. I like to read too, I've read lots of inspiring books and anything that can add value to my life style..

I like to travel a lot as well, I like to see new places, you can consider me a lively person with lots of ideas, and ambitious too I just like to enjoy myself.. My Favorite colors are Pink,Purple and blue.. . My Flower liking varies, But I like these set of flowers mostly, they include, Roses, Sunflower, Daisies, Iris, Daffodils, You can say that I have some kind of wild taste right? I have taste when it comes to Jewelries... I wear both diamonds and pearls...

I still have a whole lots of things to tell you about me and how I lead my life here, but guess that has to do with time.. The goal is for you to be happy and to learn all there's to learn about me..

Always nice to have words from you  

 

 

Not one to disappoint...at least yet:

 

 

Always your emails fascinate me with snippets of what you pass to me as your life and literacy.

Always educational for me to see how everything registrates with you.

As you can tell, I'm a man of few words, except when it comes to school term papers.  Lately I try to avoid those.

You speak of cooking as being adventuresome.  For me, cooking is akin to culinary barbarity.  Those who have survived my time in any kitchen have branded me as Chef Boy-R-Dee-Structive.  I can make a soufflé that runs from the oven screaming.  I have to chain up my refrigerator to contain the horrors of leftovers trying to escape from it.  Needless to say, I order a lot of delivery.

A woman and her jewelry.  I know the cost well.  Fortunately, I don't wear jewelry so I can afford it for the woman in my future.

 

I work a lot so my traveling days have been limited.  I have been to Mexico; almost got shot there.  I haven't been to Spain, but I kinda like the tacos.  Say the ladies are insane there...and they sure know how to use it.  But they got nothing on you.

I like the color pink on a woman, and I wear blue, black and brown a lot.

Keep updating me, by my-eyed friend.  Things grow between us with each new spread of fertilizer.  That's how to cultivate a healthy relationship.

 

Mincing Matilda slips a cog again on her reply regarding who she is, but udderwise she slices, dices and entices:

 

I'm always thrilled each time that I have words from you. amazing how time fly it yet aother week. We're gradually growing and getting better with each communication. I want nothing more but for us to grow into something beautiful.

Well we have been writing each other for a little while now and I thought it would be a good time to tell me about both my good points and maybe my not so good points, so here goes, hope this is not to boring.

What I believe are my good points.

Very caring, the person I love is always Number 1 to me.

Honest, I always say what is on my mind, even if it might not be what you want to hear.

Affectionate, I love holding hands in public, I love to be kissed.

Hard Working, I work sometime 7 days a week, of course it is not an 8 or 10 hour day, but in my job, if I do not take care of my clients someone else will.

Clean, I like to try and keep a clean home with my two dogs that is not always easy, but I try.

Like to cook, I do enjoy cooking and making a romantic dinner for the two of us.

Fun, I enjoy laughing, having fun, life is to short to not enjoy it.

Romantic, I like to be with the one I love and to treat him as if he is the only person left on earth.

Passionate, I do everything I can to ensure my partner is always satisfied both in the bed room and outside of it.

Now for some of my not so good traits.

I'm hot tempered, working on it.

I sometimes start to many projects and take to much time to complete any of them.

I sleep in the Nude, I have been doing that since I got out of high school.

I some times do not want to do anything just be lazy.

Well there you have it, now you really are starting to know me, hope this does not scare you away, but I thought you should know these things about me. 

Just know that you can tell me anything and everything about yourself too.. It's fun what we are doing and I can't wait to see us grow from strength to strength.

Just make sure you have for yourself a wonderful Day.

Admirations.
Natalie 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, wanted to inject something here so I decided to risk a pet rock's perspective on romance in Scam Land:

 

My...such revelations about you.  Whether you're Matilda or Natalie, you never cease to find things to reveal that pique my attention.

Since you are sharing such intimacies, I think that I should do so as well:

What I take to be my good points:

• I am prompt
• I am rock solid in my core lode beliefs
• I say what's on my mind, even when nothing is

 

• If I do say so myself, I'm a great kisser of whatever is needing kissing

 

• I know nothing other than hard work, for it has allowed me the fabulous wealth I possess
• My wit is very dry; so dry, the National Weather Service posts drought alerts wherever I travel
• As regards cleanliness, I have an agreement with dust:  outnumbered by it as I am, if I ever sneeze and room visibility drops to zero, it's time to move
• I love passion, especially in bed

 

My not so good traits include:

• Flatulence
• A tendency to laugh at inopportune moments
• Taking advantage of nude sleepers
• A need to respond to unsolicited emails regardless of the content, intent et al

 

Yes, I too am very moved along by the progress we are making.  I learn more with each respond you send me.  

 

Whether it be because of her earlier slip ups or that she's occasionally reading some of what my character replies, this one got something of a tart response that aims to 'fix' the record:


Matilda Natalie Carlsson and to clear you , my mom is the only one that calls me by that name Natalie because thats her mom name too OK  


Got it.  So you are Matilda Natalie Carlsson, but only your mom can call you Natalie.  I stand cleared.  Does your mom have as big of eyes as you do?

 

 What that reply elicited was a series of questions which my pet rocks found highly amusing.  Her questions are in bold, and my character's responses in italics:


thought I would ask you a few questions and I hope these are OK with you, if you see some that you do not want to answer that is OK.

1. WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Sex

2. What is your favorite Holiday of the Year?

Anyone I get to have sex on

3. WHAT QUALITY IS MOST ATTRACTIVE TO YOU IN A PARTNER?

Her sexiness

4. Have you ever driven a car?

Dunno 'bout that, but I've driven a golf ball.

 

5. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE WITH YOUR PARENTS?

Over...they're both dead.

6. Have you been to any other countries?

I answered this in a previous reply.

7. WHAT ARE YOUR LONG-TERM GOALS?

Sex with the woman of my dreams and lots of money.

8. Have you ever been fishing?

Oh yes...I've been approached by and caught my share of suckers.

9. NAME THREE THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR PARTNER?

Living, breathing, having sex.

 

10. If you could where would you like to go for a vacation?

Liechtenstein...I hear the ladies are insane there, and they sure know how to use it.

 

11. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Emails like this one.

12. What is your ideal romantic evening?

One that ends with passionate sex.

13. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WON’T TOLERATE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

No sex.

14. What is your favorite color?

Blue

15. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST STRENGTH AND WEAKNESS?

Strength of will, forgiveness of deceit

16. Which do you like more Chocolate or Ice cream?

Yes

17. ARE YOU FAMILY ORIENTED?

Depends on whose family

 

18. Would you enjoy taking a shower with your partner?

YOWZA

19. HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR DOWNTIME? 

Down

20. Do you have a favorite position for making love?

In her

 

21. WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IS YOUR WORST QUALITY?

Flatulence

22. What do you like your partner to do to you while making love?

Crochet

 

23. ARE YOU A GRUDGE HOLDER?

Depends on if the grudge needs holding or not.

24. WHAT IS THE LONGEST RELATIONSHIP YOU’VE BEEN IN AND WHY DID IT END?

With my late wife; she died (see earlier email).

25. FOR WHAT IN LIFE DO YOU FEEL THE MOST GRATEFUL?

Ability to know BS when I receive it in email.

 

Well I hope this questions are not out of line and you do not get upset at me for asking some of them.

My character didn't mind; question is, did she mind my responses?  *Jeopardy Theme*...and on to Part II.