Making A Meth Of A 400 lb Prune

Actually, the only meth here is this meth lab, knowd as Doobage.  And he has nothing to do with what follows.


I do love email pleas for help from scammers.  It allows me to exercise that inner Christian I have and send it out to run around the block a few times, while the rest of me responds to the scammer.


I don't need a conscience messing up my responses.


Take this one for example:  Ms (spelled a couple different ways) Murielle Yao, who has evil relatives out for her family riches.  And she found ME -- albeit generically -- to help her out:


From Miss Murielle Yao.
Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire.
West  Africa.
Avenue 12 Rue Reine Abla Poku,
32 Bp 8753 Abj 23, Cote D'Ivoire.

My Dearest one,

Please come to my rescue!. I know that it may sound strange to receive an email from someone you do not know at all, but I am desperate to save my life and future that is the reason I took this bold step and made some research before I got your contact. I have confidence that this is the right step toward the right direction. My name is Miss Murielle Yao and I am from Ivory Coast a country in West Africa . My mother died of cancer just after my birth and I have been with my father who refuses to marry a second wife all through.

Most unfortunately for me, my father had an car accident on his way to one of his Timber exploitation sites. After the accident, he was recovered dead and the burial ceremony was done properly.

My main problem now is that my father's relatives want to make a marriage choice for me in order to secure my father's wealth. They said that if I marry to an outsider, our family wealth will be taken to another people and that they will not accept it. They said it is their right to preserve their family wealth and lineage.

I refused this type of marriage because it is ridiculous for them to compel me to marry an old man of 71 years, a man old enough to be my ground father just to preserve the family wealth. Although I am a young girl of only 20 years old and I believe that I have the right to choose my own husband for myself.  


It went on for several more paragiraffes, but you get the picture.

So whilst my inner Christian was out doing laps, I let my inner four year old -- with some spellcheck help -- take over and edit it up in a manure fitting of the emailer:


Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire.
West  Africa.
Avenue 12 Rue Reine Abla Poku,
32 Bp 8753 Abj 23, Cote D'Ivoire.

A Place Where You Can Get Eaten A Lotta Ways

By All Sortsa Nasty Thangs


My Dearest one -- whichever one you turn out to be,

Please come to my rescue!  I am a Cote D'Ivoirian, stuck in a refugee camp in Detroit, MI.  I know that it may sound strange, but it's no stranger than being a Sudanese refugee in a Senegal refugee camp with millions of dollars in a European bank.  What could only make it weirder would be if I were stuck in a 'Time Tunnel' experiment, bouncing back and forth through Time, with no way back to the Tunnel complex, even while they can send and recall historical figures and staff with little to no problem.  What the f**k is up with that Irwin Allen, eh?

I mean, I'm sure those of you in the civilized world -- and why the Hell would I waste my scam time writing to people in my neck of the woods, who couldn't read what I writ anyway -- you've seen the old 60s Irwin Allen TV show "The Time Tunnel", right?  Well, if you watch that show closely, you see that their writers were not much for historical accuracy, let alone pay much attention to details.  For example:  in the first show, Dr. Newman tells the captain of the RMS Titanic that he was born in 1938; yet three episodes later, he meets his 7 year old self on December 6, 1941. 

*BUZZZZZZZER*   Common Core dumbed down education was alive and well in Hollyweird even then.  But I digress.

Let me get to what I'm supposed to be doing here once I find it in the instruction template a baboon tried to make off with:  I took this bold step and made some research of online guest books before I got your contact. I have confidence that if I send this letter out to 10,000 email addresses, I'll get at least one nipplehead to take pity on me and reply.  So assuming that you will be that nipplehead...my name is Miss Murielle Yao and this week I am from Ivory Coast a country in West Africa.  Last week I was from Burundi.  Two weeks ago, Toledo.  I've been meaning to have speaks with my handler at this fly-infested internet café here in Lagos, Nigeria about all this jumping around -- I didn't just admit that -- but he's busy strapping down one of my coworkers to an army ant hill, for not meeting the monthly quota.

Believe me:  you're better off working at McDonalds than here.

Most unfortunately for me, my father never got me a job at McDonalds, and before he could get me a job stealing hubcaps from moving cars in Lagos, he had an car accident on his way to one of his "gold plating snake sh*t" souvenir stands. After the accident, he was recovered dead, and no number of saline solution enemas were going to change it, since his head and his ass were rearranged during the accident.

Never, let me say again NEVER collide with an ox cart being pulled by a rhino.

My main problem now is that I have contracted painful rectal itch from my father's relatives -- don't ask how -- and now they demand that I marry an artificial goat inseminator from Gaza, named Achmed. 

This is a weird family, indeed.

I refused this type of marriage because it is ridiculous for them to compel me to marry an old man who has been artificially inseminating goats with what's left of his genital for 71 years.  Granted, while this template I'm working from says that I am a young girl of only 20 years old, the fact is that I'm 65 and look like a 400 lb prune.  Try not to envision that.

This issue is serious. Really.  Really really.  Fortunately for me, this template suggests that my father made a deposit of (USD $8.900, 000.00) Eight Million ninety hundred thousand United state dollars with my name in a bank.  If you believe that, I have a bridge to no where on the planet Uranus I will deed to you as well, at no charge.  Still, that's my story and I'm sticking to it because it's humid here and I haven't had my weekly shower so the paper is sticking to me.

Considering the representation that I am only 20 years now while actually being 65 and looking like a 400 lb prune tends to make me sending pictures of me difficult.  But I will try and attach one, because it is important according to online dating sites that you include a picture of what you look like.  Well if I actually did, the results would be worse than what happened in the South Park episode where 4,000,000 school kids played the 'brown note' on recorders, causing the whole listening world to crap themselves.  Which we here consider no big deal, since we do it all the time.  Someone has to feed the flies.

Please come to my rescue immediately with an email response and a forklift -- 400 lb prunes probably aren't easily moved -- and our god here -- in the form of an empty Coca Cola bottle someone found -- will reward you.  I thank you for taking your time to read this mail and I wait to hear from you and until then, may crotch crickets spare you, unless you don't reply to me...then may your genitals implode.

Yours sincerely,
Miss Murielle Yao

mireilleyao22@yahoo.fr  

 

 

Despite the fact that I sent this back to the scammer and about 40 of her peers and colleagues, not a one of them wrote back and urged my inner Christian to reconsider here.

 

Which it couldn't have done even had it wanted to:  it was dealing with thigh cramps from the laps around the block....my bad.

Western Union Agent Man

They've given him a number,
and taken away his name....


Johnny Rivers and Patrick McGoohan not withstanding.


I had a real fun exchange with a scammer claiming to be a Western Union agent who apparently operates more than one scam template at a time.  And confuses them.

Turned out all the fun was mine.

It all started with a generic email informing me that the UN said I was due compensation for having been a scam victim and that I was to contact the Western Union address with my name, address, etc.  It was done, and this is what ensued:

Payment Order #: WUMTE-52##09.26/6/2014

Dear Jack N. Ewehoff,

This is to confirm your application for the release of your grant award payment from the on-going United Nations Poverty Alleviation Program.

Your email address is listed among the 7 email beneficiaries approved for the United Nations Cash Grant / Donation this year 2014, and these funds are freely given to you to use for your business, education and personal development.

Be advised that it has been designated that the sum of $ 7,600.00 USD (Seven Thousand Six Hundred United States Dollars) be paid to you daily through the Western Union Money Transfer service as approved by UN, till the total amount of $ 1,500,000.00 USD (One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) is paid to you.

As a matter of urgency, in order not to waste more of your time before you start receiving your funds, Please be informed that an activation fee for your first transaction must be paid before the Western Union Payment Center initiates your transaction.

And to this effect, the head of transfer department has not yet activated your first transfer of $ 7,600 USD.

But not to worry much, you will start receiving your daily installment's after we confirm your payment of $ 412.00 USD for your western union account activation, and after that your first installment of $ 7,600.00 USD will be released to you, and other installments will follow in 24 hours.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Without your payment of $ 385.00 USD for your Western Union Account Registration / Activation, your name can not be activated in the western union database as the receiver of the funds.

You are advised to email or call this office to get details for the payment of your Registration / Activation when you are ready to start receiving your installment payments.

Once the payment of $ 412.00 USD is made by you, your first installment will be released after 12 hours and shall be made payable to you in any western union participating agent location of your choice.

Note: No deductions can be made from your funds because we where not authorized by UN to do so.

 Your complete $ 1,500,000.00 USD was deposited to Western Union by the Attorney of the United Nations Organization, and the funds must reach you in its fullest.

We await a confirmation of your email informing us when you want to settle your activation fee so you can start receiving your installment payments.

If you need to discuss this matter further, kindly provide us with your valid telephone number and a Western Union representative will call you as regards to your

Activation, You may also Decide to Call me personally @ 0060163523584 (+60163523584) to discuss the above issue .

Yours truly,

 Mr Young Lile.  Telephone: 0060163523584

Western Union Payment Service  

 

 

Since I'm due the payout, why do I need to pay you $412?  Explain please.  

 

 

Dear Funds Beneficiary;

Western Union Payment Center has reviewed your message and we will need to clarify you on certain issues regarding your daily payment.

**All Western Union Beneficiaries would be responsible for the cost of endorsement and legalization of his / her documents. This is in accordance with section 13 (1) (n) of the IMF Transfer act as adopted in 1993 and amended on 3rd July, 1996 by the constitutional assembly.

** All funds presently deposited at the Western Union Payment Center must be activated by the Western Union Beneficiary as mentioned in our previous message.

** The fees for activation has been affixed at $ 412.00 and must be paid to the Activation Officer appointed by the Western Union Payment Center, Malaysia. The Activation fee cannot be deducted from the monies at the Western Union Payment Center and hence must be provided by the beneficiary of the daily payment.

** Declination from collecting your daily payment of $ 7,600.00 USD is an option and it is allowed; This will mean that the monies deposited at the Western Union Payment Center will be returned to the UN. In an event where Western Union Beneficiary is not fully convinced that this is a legitimate offer and not a hoax / scam; The Western Union Beneficiary has full right to decline from collecting the $ 7,600.00 USD. This can only be done by requesting a Western Union Disclaimers Form, to have your name totally removed from the entire Western Union Payment Center data base. A Disclaimers Form which contains a declaration of forfeiture will be sent to you should such a case arise.

** Having gone through the above paragraphs carefully, you now have two options. You may now decide to;

1. Provide the required activation amount, and thus have your payment activated.

OR

2. Request a Western Union Payment Disclaimers Form, to have your transaction cancelled and your name totally removed from the entire Western Union  Data base.

Get back to us, as we are already behind schedule.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Helen Kuan.  Telephone: 00601 6254 3857  

 

 

I think I understand your point, but my point is that if the money is truly owed me, I am unable to understand why I am expected to kick in any kind of fee to get it.  That isn't how business works here.  Your thoughts?     

 

 

Their thoughts were apparently to hit one of obozo's 're-set' buttons or something:

 

 

 

Attention Beneficiary:

Please we want you to re-confirm your full information's to us to enable us start sending your fund.

Your name:

Your country and city:

Your phone number:

Copy of your passport:

With this we will start the transaction today.  Thanks  

 

 

I do not have a passport.  Would some other form of ID be okay?

Your name:                    Jack N. Ewehoff

Your country and city:   USA    Los Angeles CA

Your phone number:       323-***-****  

 

 

Now it starts to get funny, at least to me, as it becomes apparent that the scammer is running more than one scam, and has mixed his scams with yours truly:

 

 

You are welcome to the Western Union Money Transfer  Burkina Faso Office. First of all we apologize for our late respond. As per your mail, We in instructed by Mrs.Suzan Amadu, who is presently in U.K and them Authorize us to transfer the  Amount of Two Hundred Thousand US Dollars ($200,000.00 USD) via our services. The arrangement is that you will be receiving the sum of Five Thousand Dollars ($5,000.00 USD) on a daily bases until you have fully received the complete amount of ($200,000.00 USD). This is to avoid complications with our Western Union outlet in your city.

We have the first payment of $5,000.00 here but we agreed that you will come up with our transfer charges of $412.00 before we can give you mtcn number which you can use pick up this first payment in your city $5,000.00.

HERE IS THE FIRST PAYMENT INFORMATION.

SENDER NAME:::::::PATRICK OUN

MTCN::::::::::::::::::::::  

RECEIVER NAME::::::: JACK N. EWEHOFF

AMOUNT:::::::::::::::::::$5,000.00 USD ONLY

QUESTION::::::::::::::::: OK

ANSWER:::::::::::::::::::: OK

 

HERE IS OUR WEB SITE.  www.westernunion.com WE WILL SEND YOU THE MTCN NUMBER AFTER YOU SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE TO US.

Send the $412.00 to enable us give you remain information so that you can pick up the $5,000.00. send it through our office Western union money Transfer  or money gram with the information below is one of our workers here:

 Name............... Ernest Okeke

Country............ Burkina Faso

City............... Ouagadougou

Text Question : .........Ok

Answer ......................Ok

AMOUNT.................. $412.00 usd only

MTCN.......................  

 

 

I'm sure that my urgent respond is highly needed.  But, but and but:  it appears some of the amounts have changed here along with why I'm receiving this fund in the first place.  Not that I'm one to stand on cere-money or anything...but beyond your obvious confusion, my final but: since the UN and/or Suzan Amadu is providing me this fund, isn't they/she paying the shipping fee?  Alternative to that, I authorize you to withdraw $412 from my first $5000 debit.   

 

 

THE REASON WHY WE NEED YOU TO SEND US THE $412 USD IS THAT WE TRIED TO DEDUCT THE TRANSFERRING FEE OUT FROM YOUR FUND BUT THE MINISTER ADMINISTRATOR TRUST FUND OF BURKINA FASO TOLD US THAT NO ONE HAS ACCESS OVER YOUR FUND AS IT HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND STAMPED THAT NO MONEY SHOULD BE DEDUCTED UNTIL IT GETS TO YOU TO AVOID ANY MISUNDERSTANDING BECAUSE IF ANY ONE HAS ACCESS TO THAT IT WILL INVOLVE YOU LOOSING YOUR FUND.

 

SO WE WILL ADVISE YOU NOW TO SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE TO US, I PROMISE YOU THE SAME DAY YOU SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR FIRST $5,000 THAT'S ONLY PROMISE I CAN GIVE YOU NOW. 

THANKS.

 

DR.PATRICK ONU.

WESTERN UNION AGENT.  

 

 

Well, since the fund has been declared mine, I am hereby approving Western Union to make said deduction of $412 USD from my first scheduled payment.  You may forward this email to the bank as proof of my authorization.  

 

 

Is not possible. If you need your fund send the transfer charge or come down in person here that is all can be done now.  

 

 

How would I go about coming down there in person?  Explain that option, please.

 

 

What explanation do you need from us? If you want come down here to see everything by yourself is better look for visa and come you have our office address then you will sign some document that will give us order to deduct any fee from your fund you are only person who can do that here in person.  

 

 

That sounds reasonable.  Where are you specifically?  How best do I come there?

  

I'am in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, here is our address again No,12 Koudougou Street, Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, Tel number: +226 78 39 94 80 if you land at Burkina Faso airport call us with the number if you can't locate our office we will come and pick you.  We are waiting to welcome you soon.  

 

 

(I'm sure they are LOL).

 

 

Let me do some research on how to fly there and I will let you know if it seems practical to make the trip.  I have never been to Africa, and the thought of foreign travel does entice me.  I will advise.  

 

 

OK, We are waiting for you.  

 

 

Well, it was a nice thought for a moment.  But you want me to wire you $412, and it would cost me at least $4000 to travel to Burkina Faso and back.  Plus, the travel agent I spoke with said that Burkina Faso is not a safe place right now, and with the ebola outbreak in Nigeria, may be even less safe.  So I guess I have to send you the money, right?  

 

 

The virus called ebola outbreaks is not in our country is not in all Africa counties the virus is in some of Africa counties but not all and that will stop soon. Since you can not come down again and you want to send the transfer charge to us no problem with that, Go ahead and send it with the information giving to you before. After you send the fee forward us the payment slip as soon as we receive it you will receive your first payment the same day. 

Below is the information you will use again:

 Name: Ernest Okeke

Country:Burkina Faso

City:Ouagadougou

Text Question:Ok

Answer:Ok

AMOUNT:$412.00

MTCN: ......................

We are waiting for the payment information from you.  

 

 

I have the money to send...just explain to me why I am sending it to someone in Burkina Faso?  How is it that the money for me wound up there?  

 

 

WE HAVE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING TO YOU BEFORE, REASON WHY WE NEED YOU TO SEND US THE $412 USD IS THAT WE TRIED TO DEDUCT THE TRANSFERRING FEE OUT FROM YOUR FUND BUT THE MINISTER ADMINISTRATOR TRUST FUND OF BURKINA FASO TOLD US THAT NO ONE HAS ACCESS OVER YOUR FUND AS IT HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND STAMPED THAT NO MONEY SHOULD BE DEDUCTED UNTIL IT GETS TO YOU TO AVOID ANY MISUNDERSTANDING BECAUSE IF ANY ONE HAS ACCESS TO THAT IT WILL INVOLVE YOU LOOSING YOUR FUND AND WHY IN BURKINA FASO IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME FUND THERE WITH US IF NOT YOU WILL NOT BE SENDING MONEY HERE.   WE ARE GIVING YOU OUR FULL ASSURANCE THAT NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR FUND AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE TRANSFER CHARGE WE WILL START YOUR TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY.  

 

 

Just so I understand this fully:  if I send you an email authorization to allow you to deduct the $412 from my account for the fee, officials there will not accept that authorization from me, even though they have authorized this account payment to me without any documentation from me heretofore?  It seems to me that the officials there are backwards in their operations and thinking.  Clarify that for me and we can proceed.  

 

 

Thanks for your mail, I have asked about that on your behalf before but them said no authorization will be accepting here if not the receive to send transfer charge or come down in person here. My dear the only thing will be done here is you come down if you don't want to send the transfer charge again.  THIS IS AGREEMENT BETWEEN US, MRS SUZAN AMADU, AND MINISTER ADMINISTRATOR TRUST FUND OF BURKINA FASO.  

 

 

So I guess the UN is officially out of it now?  'Prolly just as well...crooked bastards:

 

 

Well, I guess that's it.  I send the transfer charge, come down in person, or allow this opportunity to slip through my fangers.  I guess I'll send the transfer fee.  

 

 

Thanks for your mail, We are waiting for the transfer charge soon so that we can carry out the transfer.  

 

 

I regret that I won't be able to do this until Thursday.  I hope that is okay?  

 

 We don't know what the condition is that make you keep delay send the fee  But we are waiting for the fee tomorrow been Thursday as you promised again please try your best and send the fee tomorrow so that we can start sending your fund to you.  

Time for some of those good ol' Seymour PetRock $100 bills again, of which five I attach to the email along with this:

 

I am sending the fee today.  I am actually sending you extra so as to make up for my being late.  Do you have a good quality color copier?  

 

 

Hello,  What is this? We don't understand  

 

 

Oh, I guess I should have explained.  Sorry.  You download the attachments in the previous email.  Print them off on a quality color copier.  And then you cash them at your bank, and wha la, the fee is paid.  And I sent you an even $500, so there's enough for you to take the wifey out for dinner or something.   I hope that clarifies it for you.   So what will be my wait time on receiving my ATM card?  

 

 

soon   

 

 

I do believe he's pissed.

 

 

 

Excellent.  Don't you just love it when everything works out exactly as God intends for it to?  

 

 

are you for real?  

 

 

Of course.  Every bit as real as Suzan Amadu, the UN and your email offer.  God is working well here, don't you think?  I am assuming, of course, that you believe in God, and not in an empty soda pop bottle.  That would be most unfortunate for you if you believed in an empty soda pop bottle instead of God.  If that were so, you wouldn't have got the fee payment I sent you, you know?  

 

 

there is something wrong with you  

 

 

Well yes...I didn't know it showed from here.  I have gas.  

 

 

you have waste my time?  

 

 

That and probably anything else with olfactory capabilities within range of one of my farts.  I can package one up and ship it to you if you wish.  

 

 

stop nonsense already.  if you don't want your fund say so.  

 

 

Heck, fella, of course I'd take it.  I paid you for it didn't I?  

 

 

don't write to me no more you stupid man  

 

 

And just when I thought we had a working relationship.  I think that I will keep writing to you because we have a working relationship, y'know?  

 

 

stop now.  i know who you are.  

 

 

I hope to tell you that you do...I gave you all my informations, y'know.  I said to myself, "Jack, he knows you now", and myself said "damned straight he do".  So see, I know you know me.  It's good to know people.  People who know people are the luckiest people in the world.  Unless the people you know have gas.  Then not so lucky.

 

 

please stop writing.  

 

 

Okay, give me your phone number and we can start talking instead.  Can you hear me now?   I can fart on the phone...there's nothing like hearing one to believe it.  

 

 

I am sorry to say that my scammer will not get to hear my character fart on the phone.  Particularly since my pet rock had turned on the exhaust fan in preparation...

 

 

Ask A Simple Question

Playing some scammers is like playing with a four year old who, when not getting their way, picks up their marbles and "screw you guys...I'm going home".

Here's one who was that way almost from the get go.

Representing hisself as Barrister Frank Oduna, running another one of those UN scam victim reparation scams, here is his opening gambit:


Attention your MTCN 575 220 2045

we stopped sending your money since 2013 because of spam emails you
were receiving from people that claim to be western union.
We were confused about this so we have tried and have arrested some of them.
Now the situation has cooled down and we have started sending money to
the whole people concerned.
The new arrangement is that what you will receive everyday is $4000.00
and what you will pay everyday to receive this fund  is $150 everyday,
but this is the begining so you can go ahead and pay whatever you have
at hand to receive it so that when you receive the first payment you
will be able to pay $150 everyday.
Your first payment has already been sent, this is the MTCN;575 220 2045
track it, but you cannot pick it till you send any amount as I told
you.

Click this link: https://wumt./westernunion.com/asp/
orderstatus.asp?country=global

Sender: Cynthia Farnsley,
MTCN No: 575 220 2045
Text Question....Honesty
Answer.............Trust
Amount.............$4,000,00
Country............Benin Republic
Western Union Office Department

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Send it to the info below pease no mistake in the receiver name to avoid delaying:
1.RECEIVER NAME:.........Prince John
2.COUNTRY:............. BENIN REPUBLIC .
3.CITY :............... COTONOU .
4..TEST QUESTION:....HONEST
5.TEST ANSWER:......TRUST.
6.AMOUNT .....?
7.SENDER'SNAME....  


Now, unlike so many other scams of this nature, you note that you are required to wire them "$150 everyday".  Granted, how many people are stupid enough to wire them $150 once, let alone several days running BEFORE it sinks in that the senders are getting bilked, is unknown to me.  However, my character puts forward an assertion and a question that my character feels is worthy of putting forward and asking:

Thank you for your kind offer.  The UN says I don't have to pay $150 every day to receive $4000.  What say you?  

 

 

That reply goes unresponded to after almost a week, so my character tries again:

 

 

I'm still waiting to hear what say you that the UN says I don't have to pay $150/day to receive $4000.  

 

 

That gets this reply from Barrister Frank Oduna, four year old:

 

 

ok bye  

 

 

 

LOL...crybaby.  You're too easy.  You're not going to make much money giving up that easy.  

 

 

The response was all that could be hoped for:

 

 

f*** off.  

 

 

It would appear that you're right...your attempt is definitely off.  Wanna try again?  

 

 

Too late; he picked up his marbles and pouted home.

KinkedIn

Some days, email is soooooooo funny.

Like probably more than a few of you, I have a profile on LinkedIn.  Not that I use it for much, but I have it.

And somewhat regularly, I get notifications about it.  Mostly generic stuff.

But sometimes, I get a notification if someone looks at my profile.

I reckon they're probably looking out of professional curiosity.

Or not.

On the last day of July, I got a LinkedIn notification that said my profile had been viewed by one person. 

So I clicked on it out of curiosity.

My pet rock, Seymour, about lost his lode.

Here is who checked me out on LinkedIn.  Perhaps I am totally underutilizing this resource:

1 Profile View Maria R. Stripper/Exotic Dancer Topeka, Kansas Area View profile My pet rock is giving me that "tsk, tsk" look.  Even as I remind Seymour I haven't been through Topeka but once, and that was in passing in 1990....

Next of Kidding, Nigerian Style

Welcome to the poolside view of the bucolic Blowfish Hotel, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria.

This doesn't look fly infested.

And it even has flushing toilets.  That actually work.

My character is probably missing out here.

It all started in July, with this email received by Ben Dover:


Attention: Honorable Beneficiary

I am Dr.Kingsley Moghalu the Deputy Governor Director Foreign Operations, Due to the
urgency of the meeting held by the Executive Board members of this Bank,there is
presently a counter claims on your inheritance funds (USD$10.5M) by Mr. Lam Davis
who is presently trying to make us believe that you are DEAD and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him that he should claim your approved United Nations (UN) compensation fund as your next of kin, So here comes the question;

Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of Mr. Lam Davis There by making him
the current beneficiary of your fund with his following details:

Mr. Lam Davis,
City: Citrus Heights,
State: California
Country: United States America
Zip code:95370
Sex: Male
AGE: June 14/ 1965
MARITAL STATUS: divorced
Phone: 4152044683

Please if you did not sign or authorize Mr. Lam Davis to receive your fund on your
behalf, kindly reconfirm to this office If you are willing to claim your fund then
forward this information's below to my office immediately;

(1) Full Name:....
(2) Address:......
(3) Telephone No/Mobile Phone:
(4) Country: .....
(5) Age:............
(6) Occupation:....
(7) Identity Card
(8) Your Next of Kin


I wait for your immediate reply through my E-mail or call me on my direct line because we are set to transfer the fund to your next of kin if there is any delay, you are advise to urgently reply immediately.

Thanks;

Dr.Kingsley Moghalu
Deputy Governor
Director Foreign Operations,
PRIVATE EMAIL: dr.kingsleymoghalu.0011@gmail.com
DIRECT TEL:  +234 701 424 0496  


If Ben Dover is anything, he's game...which is why he stays indoors during hunting season:


1) Full Name:.... Ben Dover
(2) Address:......  *** S. ********** Ct  Lakewood CO 80228
(3) Telephone No/Mobile Phone:  303-***-****
(4) Country: .....   USA
(5) Age:............   50
(6) Occupation:....  Assembler
(7) Identity Card      Yes
(8) Your Next of Kin    Seymour PetRock (nephew)  


That appeared to get the ball rolling:

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA 

INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

 CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERS

TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS 

 

Our Ref: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/14                   

IMMEDIATE INHERITANCE PAYMENT

INHERITANCE NO. FGN/PTF/801/2014
Attention: Ben Dover*** S. ********** Ct 
Lakewood CO 80228
 Re: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL


Find attachment file your fund payment documents.
I wait for your immediate reply regarding my previous mail.

Thanks;  
Dr. Kingsley Moghalu (OON)
Deputy Governor, Financial System Stability
DIRECT TEL: +234 8182729899   

As for the documents:

And last but not least:

And all for lil' ol' Ben.

Even my pet rock, Seymour, was impressed.

"Was NOT!!!  Unless I get some too!"

Sorry, Seymour:  these Tricks are for Ben.

So now that Ben had all that his lil' heart desired, it was time for the other goat to drop:


I must say that your handler has procured a right fine set of documents there, Kingsley.  All documents appear to be Kinkos quality and in a semblance of order.   What do we do now?  


I wasn't long in finding out:


Re: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL



This is to inform you that your inheritance fund with the CBN was approved on your favour and your fund ($10.5M) has being programmed into an ATM VISA CARD with this information as stated;

(*) ATM VISA CARD NO:  4120 5350 0021 7812
(*) ATM VISA CARD SERIAL NO:  4120
(*) ATM VISA CARD BUXZ USD NO: 540031294
(*) ATM VISA CARD PIN: 7303 (keep it secret)

Be inform that all arrangement of card delivery has been concluded with the accredited courier agency service (FEDEX) to effect immediate shipment of your ATM VISA CARD to your nominated address as stated above but you have to offset the courier agency fee of $98 only to enable the courier agent deliver you ATM VISA CARD to your door step within three (3) working days. Please note that you shall present an ID CARD to the courier agent and sign before he will give the parcel (ATM VISA CARD) to you to avoid delivering it to a wrong hand. Attachment file are your ATM VISA CARD copy.

In view of this development, you are urgently advise to offset the courier agency shipment fees with this information I stated below;

NAME OF RECEIVER:   HENRY  IFEANYI
ADDRESS OF RECEIVER:  ABUJA  -  NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:  COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER:  BLUE

Kindly note that on the confirmation of your payment of $98, the courier agency (FEDEX) shall provide your parcel (ATM VISA CARD)  tracking numbers which shall enable you to track and receive your parcel within three (3) working days. You are also advise to state your best hours of visitation so that the FEDEX courier agent will know when to met you at home and also provide your direct phone/mobile line for effective communication which the courier agent shall use to communicate you as soon as you parcel arrive your state.

Go and send the $98 immediately at any WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER or any MONEY GRAM OFFICE around you.

I wait for your immediate response.  


Of course, Ben had to be at least a little bit of a stick in the mud h'yar:


That's very nice and I appreciate the expediency, but if this has presidential approval, why must I pay anything for it?  Just curious.  


Thank you very much for your mail.Be inform that you are only paying for the FEDEX COURIER AGENCY shipment fee of your approved ATM VISA CARD to be deliver to you through the courier agent but if you do not want to pay the $98 for the shipment of the card then the only option is for you to come to our Bank here in Nigeria for the claim of your card.

Are you willing to pay the courier shipment fee of $98 or would you prefer to come to Nigeria and collect your card,  I wait for your immediate option as you are notified that your ATM VISA CARD IS READY.  


Now, ol' Ben is sure that a trip to Lagos, Nigeria, is pricier than a mere $98.  BUT...he kinda rather took that option as an invite.  So why not indulge a little:

Come to Nigeria?  Gee...I never thought of that.  What a splendid notion!  I've never been there.  After reading your suggestion, I did the research, and I can fly into Lagos via Murtala Muhammed International Airport in Lagos on Saturday, August 2; I will stay in Lagos (the Blowfish Hotel) into Tuesday, August 5, and will fly back to the USA via Lufthansa and United Airlines. 

Granted, it's much more expensive than your $98 fee for the card, but I simply must accept your invitation to come and get the card in person.  For the amount of money the card holds, the cost of the travel and hotel -- about $3500 -- is nothing.  I love travel.  So that is my plan.  I will be at your bank when it opens on Monday, August 4, promptly.  

 

 

What comes as no surprise to me, "Kingsley" is a bit nonplused that Ben elected that option:

 

 

But the fee for the courier to ship your ATM VISA CARD is only $98 USD.  Why would you pay so much more when it can be deliver to you?  

 

 

As I tell you, Kingsley...I lurve me travel.  And I especial lurve me travel to places what I ain't never been afore.  And Lagos is one of them places.  Perhaps we can get in 18 holes on Sunday?

 Apparently Kingsley is either reading-challenged or is operating with a democrat low information quality sub-education.  Here's his reply to my last:


If you are not willing to come to Nigeria for your ATM VISA CARD or pay the $98 for the courier shipment fee then kindly print and sign the CBN ATM VISA CARD cancellation form and return it.

This will enable our Executives to cancel your transaction files with our bank immediately.

I wait for your choice of claim, either to pay or to come to Nigeria and pick your card.

GOOD DAY.  


What the HELL are you talking about?  I said I wanted to come to Nigeria.  I told you that I'd looked into the travel itinerary and am in the process of booking it.  I even asked you about playing 18 holes!  What the f**k are you reading?  Go back and read my last three emails!  Or are you stupid?  Now get off the stick and get me a confirmation since I need to make this booking today...the damned Blowfish Hotel only has one room left for that weekend!  


It appears that Kingsley was all sorts of put out that I wouldn't simply send him $98 USD for his bogus ATM card, and refused to acknowledge my last.  Pity.  I really wanted him to look forward to my visit.  So I concluded the matter thus:

Well, it looks like you screwed the pooch, Kingsley.  Here I was all set to fly over to your neck of the woods, wine and dine you, even treat you to 18 holes -- not the kind that Boko Haram likes to kipe -- and then conduct business in your establishment on the following Monday.  But here you went and let my booking deadline go by.   Just proves I can't trust a Nigerian to do anything right.  A reverend that runs a refugee camp in Senegal told me that.  I see what he means.

Anyway, you don't need me to fill out any form for that ATM card.  Nah...here's how you handle that:  you take the card and shove it up your fat ass sideways.  Don't forget to program in the PIN number first, or you'll get nothing out of it.  Have a nice day.  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, really hoped I'd get a response to that....