Next of Kidding, Nigerian Style

Welcome to the poolside view of the bucolic Blowfish Hotel, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria.

This doesn't look fly infested.

And it even has flushing toilets.  That actually work.

My character is probably missing out here.

It all started in July, with this email received by Ben Dover:


Attention: Honorable Beneficiary

I am Dr.Kingsley Moghalu the Deputy Governor Director Foreign Operations, Due to the
urgency of the meeting held by the Executive Board members of this Bank,there is
presently a counter claims on your inheritance funds (USD$10.5M) by Mr. Lam Davis
who is presently trying to make us believe that you are DEAD and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him that he should claim your approved United Nations (UN) compensation fund as your next of kin, So here comes the question;

Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of Mr. Lam Davis There by making him
the current beneficiary of your fund with his following details:

Mr. Lam Davis,
City: Citrus Heights,
State: California
Country: United States America
Zip code:95370
Sex: Male
AGE: June 14/ 1965
MARITAL STATUS: divorced
Phone: 4152044683

Please if you did not sign or authorize Mr. Lam Davis to receive your fund on your
behalf, kindly reconfirm to this office If you are willing to claim your fund then
forward this information's below to my office immediately;

(1) Full Name:....
(2) Address:......
(3) Telephone No/Mobile Phone:
(4) Country: .....
(5) Age:............
(6) Occupation:....
(7) Identity Card
(8) Your Next of Kin


I wait for your immediate reply through my E-mail or call me on my direct line because we are set to transfer the fund to your next of kin if there is any delay, you are advise to urgently reply immediately.

Thanks;

Dr.Kingsley Moghalu
Deputy Governor
Director Foreign Operations,
PRIVATE EMAIL: dr.kingsleymoghalu.0011@gmail.com
DIRECT TEL:  +234 701 424 0496  


If Ben Dover is anything, he's game...which is why he stays indoors during hunting season:


1) Full Name:.... Ben Dover
(2) Address:......  *** S. ********** Ct  Lakewood CO 80228
(3) Telephone No/Mobile Phone:  303-***-****
(4) Country: .....   USA
(5) Age:............   50
(6) Occupation:....  Assembler
(7) Identity Card      Yes
(8) Your Next of Kin    Seymour PetRock (nephew)  


That appeared to get the ball rolling:

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA 

INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

 CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERS

TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS 

 

Our Ref: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/14                   

IMMEDIATE INHERITANCE PAYMENT

INHERITANCE NO. FGN/PTF/801/2014
Attention: Ben Dover*** S. ********** Ct 
Lakewood CO 80228
 Re: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL


Find attachment file your fund payment documents.
I wait for your immediate reply regarding my previous mail.

Thanks;  
Dr. Kingsley Moghalu (OON)
Deputy Governor, Financial System Stability
DIRECT TEL: +234 8182729899   

As for the documents:

And last but not least:

And all for lil' ol' Ben.

Even my pet rock, Seymour, was impressed.

"Was NOT!!!  Unless I get some too!"

Sorry, Seymour:  these Tricks are for Ben.

So now that Ben had all that his lil' heart desired, it was time for the other goat to drop:


I must say that your handler has procured a right fine set of documents there, Kingsley.  All documents appear to be Kinkos quality and in a semblance of order.   What do we do now?  


I wasn't long in finding out:


Re: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL



This is to inform you that your inheritance fund with the CBN was approved on your favour and your fund ($10.5M) has being programmed into an ATM VISA CARD with this information as stated;

(*) ATM VISA CARD NO:  4120 5350 0021 7812
(*) ATM VISA CARD SERIAL NO:  4120
(*) ATM VISA CARD BUXZ USD NO: 540031294
(*) ATM VISA CARD PIN: 7303 (keep it secret)

Be inform that all arrangement of card delivery has been concluded with the accredited courier agency service (FEDEX) to effect immediate shipment of your ATM VISA CARD to your nominated address as stated above but you have to offset the courier agency fee of $98 only to enable the courier agent deliver you ATM VISA CARD to your door step within three (3) working days. Please note that you shall present an ID CARD to the courier agent and sign before he will give the parcel (ATM VISA CARD) to you to avoid delivering it to a wrong hand. Attachment file are your ATM VISA CARD copy.

In view of this development, you are urgently advise to offset the courier agency shipment fees with this information I stated below;

NAME OF RECEIVER:   HENRY  IFEANYI
ADDRESS OF RECEIVER:  ABUJA  -  NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:  COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER:  BLUE

Kindly note that on the confirmation of your payment of $98, the courier agency (FEDEX) shall provide your parcel (ATM VISA CARD)  tracking numbers which shall enable you to track and receive your parcel within three (3) working days. You are also advise to state your best hours of visitation so that the FEDEX courier agent will know when to met you at home and also provide your direct phone/mobile line for effective communication which the courier agent shall use to communicate you as soon as you parcel arrive your state.

Go and send the $98 immediately at any WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER or any MONEY GRAM OFFICE around you.

I wait for your immediate response.  


Of course, Ben had to be at least a little bit of a stick in the mud h'yar:


That's very nice and I appreciate the expediency, but if this has presidential approval, why must I pay anything for it?  Just curious.  


Thank you very much for your mail.Be inform that you are only paying for the FEDEX COURIER AGENCY shipment fee of your approved ATM VISA CARD to be deliver to you through the courier agent but if you do not want to pay the $98 for the shipment of the card then the only option is for you to come to our Bank here in Nigeria for the claim of your card.

Are you willing to pay the courier shipment fee of $98 or would you prefer to come to Nigeria and collect your card,  I wait for your immediate option as you are notified that your ATM VISA CARD IS READY.  


Now, ol' Ben is sure that a trip to Lagos, Nigeria, is pricier than a mere $98.  BUT...he kinda rather took that option as an invite.  So why not indulge a little:

Come to Nigeria?  Gee...I never thought of that.  What a splendid notion!  I've never been there.  After reading your suggestion, I did the research, and I can fly into Lagos via Murtala Muhammed International Airport in Lagos on Saturday, August 2; I will stay in Lagos (the Blowfish Hotel) into Tuesday, August 5, and will fly back to the USA via Lufthansa and United Airlines. 

Granted, it's much more expensive than your $98 fee for the card, but I simply must accept your invitation to come and get the card in person.  For the amount of money the card holds, the cost of the travel and hotel -- about $3500 -- is nothing.  I love travel.  So that is my plan.  I will be at your bank when it opens on Monday, August 4, promptly.  

 

 

What comes as no surprise to me, "Kingsley" is a bit nonplused that Ben elected that option:

 

 

But the fee for the courier to ship your ATM VISA CARD is only $98 USD.  Why would you pay so much more when it can be deliver to you?  

 

 

As I tell you, Kingsley...I lurve me travel.  And I especial lurve me travel to places what I ain't never been afore.  And Lagos is one of them places.  Perhaps we can get in 18 holes on Sunday?

 Apparently Kingsley is either reading-challenged or is operating with a democrat low information quality sub-education.  Here's his reply to my last:


If you are not willing to come to Nigeria for your ATM VISA CARD or pay the $98 for the courier shipment fee then kindly print and sign the CBN ATM VISA CARD cancellation form and return it.

This will enable our Executives to cancel your transaction files with our bank immediately.

I wait for your choice of claim, either to pay or to come to Nigeria and pick your card.

GOOD DAY.  


What the HELL are you talking about?  I said I wanted to come to Nigeria.  I told you that I'd looked into the travel itinerary and am in the process of booking it.  I even asked you about playing 18 holes!  What the f**k are you reading?  Go back and read my last three emails!  Or are you stupid?  Now get off the stick and get me a confirmation since I need to make this booking today...the damned Blowfish Hotel only has one room left for that weekend!  


It appears that Kingsley was all sorts of put out that I wouldn't simply send him $98 USD for his bogus ATM card, and refused to acknowledge my last.  Pity.  I really wanted him to look forward to my visit.  So I concluded the matter thus:

Well, it looks like you screwed the pooch, Kingsley.  Here I was all set to fly over to your neck of the woods, wine and dine you, even treat you to 18 holes -- not the kind that Boko Haram likes to kipe -- and then conduct business in your establishment on the following Monday.  But here you went and let my booking deadline go by.   Just proves I can't trust a Nigerian to do anything right.  A reverend that runs a refugee camp in Senegal told me that.  I see what he means.

Anyway, you don't need me to fill out any form for that ATM card.  Nah...here's how you handle that:  you take the card and shove it up your fat ass sideways.  Don't forget to program in the PIN number first, or you'll get nothing out of it.  Have a nice day.  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, really hoped I'd get a response to that....