Next of Kidding, Nigerian Style

Welcome to the poolside view of the bucolic Blowfish Hotel, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria.

This doesn't look fly infested.

And it even has flushing toilets.  That actually work.

My character is probably missing out here.

It all started in July, with this email received by Ben Dover:


Attention: Honorable Beneficiary

I am Dr.Kingsley Moghalu the Deputy Governor Director Foreign Operations, Due to the
urgency of the meeting held by the Executive Board members of this Bank,there is
presently a counter claims on your inheritance funds (USD$10.5M) by Mr. Lam Davis
who is presently trying to make us believe that you are DEAD and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him that he should claim your approved United Nations (UN) compensation fund as your next of kin, So here comes the question;

Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of Mr. Lam Davis There by making him
the current beneficiary of your fund with his following details:

Mr. Lam Davis,
City: Citrus Heights,
State: California
Country: United States America
Zip code:95370
Sex: Male
AGE: June 14/ 1965
MARITAL STATUS: divorced
Phone: 4152044683

Please if you did not sign or authorize Mr. Lam Davis to receive your fund on your
behalf, kindly reconfirm to this office If you are willing to claim your fund then
forward this information's below to my office immediately;

(1) Full Name:....
(2) Address:......
(3) Telephone No/Mobile Phone:
(4) Country: .....
(5) Age:............
(6) Occupation:....
(7) Identity Card
(8) Your Next of Kin


I wait for your immediate reply through my E-mail or call me on my direct line because we are set to transfer the fund to your next of kin if there is any delay, you are advise to urgently reply immediately.

Thanks;

Dr.Kingsley Moghalu
Deputy Governor
Director Foreign Operations,
PRIVATE EMAIL: dr.kingsleymoghalu.0011@gmail.com
DIRECT TEL:  +234 701 424 0496  


If Ben Dover is anything, he's game...which is why he stays indoors during hunting season:


1) Full Name:.... Ben Dover
(2) Address:......  *** S. ********** Ct  Lakewood CO 80228
(3) Telephone No/Mobile Phone:  303-***-****
(4) Country: .....   USA
(5) Age:............   50
(6) Occupation:....  Assembler
(7) Identity Card      Yes
(8) Your Next of Kin    Seymour PetRock (nephew)  


That appeared to get the ball rolling:

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA 

INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

 CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERS

TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS 

 

Our Ref: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/14                   

IMMEDIATE INHERITANCE PAYMENT

INHERITANCE NO. FGN/PTF/801/2014
Attention: Ben Dover*** S. ********** Ct 
Lakewood CO 80228
 Re: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL


Find attachment file your fund payment documents.
I wait for your immediate reply regarding my previous mail.

Thanks;  
Dr. Kingsley Moghalu (OON)
Deputy Governor, Financial System Stability
DIRECT TEL: +234 8182729899   

As for the documents:

And last but not least:

And all for lil' ol' Ben.

Even my pet rock, Seymour, was impressed.

"Was NOT!!!  Unless I get some too!"

Sorry, Seymour:  these Tricks are for Ben.

So now that Ben had all that his lil' heart desired, it was time for the other goat to drop:


I must say that your handler has procured a right fine set of documents there, Kingsley.  All documents appear to be Kinkos quality and in a semblance of order.   What do we do now?  


I wasn't long in finding out:


Re: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL



This is to inform you that your inheritance fund with the CBN was approved on your favour and your fund ($10.5M) has being programmed into an ATM VISA CARD with this information as stated;

(*) ATM VISA CARD NO:  4120 5350 0021 7812
(*) ATM VISA CARD SERIAL NO:  4120
(*) ATM VISA CARD BUXZ USD NO: 540031294
(*) ATM VISA CARD PIN: 7303 (keep it secret)

Be inform that all arrangement of card delivery has been concluded with the accredited courier agency service (FEDEX) to effect immediate shipment of your ATM VISA CARD to your nominated address as stated above but you have to offset the courier agency fee of $98 only to enable the courier agent deliver you ATM VISA CARD to your door step within three (3) working days. Please note that you shall present an ID CARD to the courier agent and sign before he will give the parcel (ATM VISA CARD) to you to avoid delivering it to a wrong hand. Attachment file are your ATM VISA CARD copy.

In view of this development, you are urgently advise to offset the courier agency shipment fees with this information I stated below;

NAME OF RECEIVER:   HENRY  IFEANYI
ADDRESS OF RECEIVER:  ABUJA  -  NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:  COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER:  BLUE

Kindly note that on the confirmation of your payment of $98, the courier agency (FEDEX) shall provide your parcel (ATM VISA CARD)  tracking numbers which shall enable you to track and receive your parcel within three (3) working days. You are also advise to state your best hours of visitation so that the FEDEX courier agent will know when to met you at home and also provide your direct phone/mobile line for effective communication which the courier agent shall use to communicate you as soon as you parcel arrive your state.

Go and send the $98 immediately at any WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER or any MONEY GRAM OFFICE around you.

I wait for your immediate response.  


Of course, Ben had to be at least a little bit of a stick in the mud h'yar:


That's very nice and I appreciate the expediency, but if this has presidential approval, why must I pay anything for it?  Just curious.  


Thank you very much for your mail.Be inform that you are only paying for the FEDEX COURIER AGENCY shipment fee of your approved ATM VISA CARD to be deliver to you through the courier agent but if you do not want to pay the $98 for the shipment of the card then the only option is for you to come to our Bank here in Nigeria for the claim of your card.

Are you willing to pay the courier shipment fee of $98 or would you prefer to come to Nigeria and collect your card,  I wait for your immediate option as you are notified that your ATM VISA CARD IS READY.  


Now, ol' Ben is sure that a trip to Lagos, Nigeria, is pricier than a mere $98.  BUT...he kinda rather took that option as an invite.  So why not indulge a little:

Come to Nigeria?  Gee...I never thought of that.  What a splendid notion!  I've never been there.  After reading your suggestion, I did the research, and I can fly into Lagos via Murtala Muhammed International Airport in Lagos on Saturday, August 2; I will stay in Lagos (the Blowfish Hotel) into Tuesday, August 5, and will fly back to the USA via Lufthansa and United Airlines. 

Granted, it's much more expensive than your $98 fee for the card, but I simply must accept your invitation to come and get the card in person.  For the amount of money the card holds, the cost of the travel and hotel -- about $3500 -- is nothing.  I love travel.  So that is my plan.  I will be at your bank when it opens on Monday, August 4, promptly.  

 

 

What comes as no surprise to me, "Kingsley" is a bit nonplused that Ben elected that option:

 

 

But the fee for the courier to ship your ATM VISA CARD is only $98 USD.  Why would you pay so much more when it can be deliver to you?  

 

 

As I tell you, Kingsley...I lurve me travel.  And I especial lurve me travel to places what I ain't never been afore.  And Lagos is one of them places.  Perhaps we can get in 18 holes on Sunday?

 Apparently Kingsley is either reading-challenged or is operating with a democrat low information quality sub-education.  Here's his reply to my last:


If you are not willing to come to Nigeria for your ATM VISA CARD or pay the $98 for the courier shipment fee then kindly print and sign the CBN ATM VISA CARD cancellation form and return it.

This will enable our Executives to cancel your transaction files with our bank immediately.

I wait for your choice of claim, either to pay or to come to Nigeria and pick your card.

GOOD DAY.  


What the HELL are you talking about?  I said I wanted to come to Nigeria.  I told you that I'd looked into the travel itinerary and am in the process of booking it.  I even asked you about playing 18 holes!  What the f**k are you reading?  Go back and read my last three emails!  Or are you stupid?  Now get off the stick and get me a confirmation since I need to make this booking today...the damned Blowfish Hotel only has one room left for that weekend!  


It appears that Kingsley was all sorts of put out that I wouldn't simply send him $98 USD for his bogus ATM card, and refused to acknowledge my last.  Pity.  I really wanted him to look forward to my visit.  So I concluded the matter thus:

Well, it looks like you screwed the pooch, Kingsley.  Here I was all set to fly over to your neck of the woods, wine and dine you, even treat you to 18 holes -- not the kind that Boko Haram likes to kipe -- and then conduct business in your establishment on the following Monday.  But here you went and let my booking deadline go by.   Just proves I can't trust a Nigerian to do anything right.  A reverend that runs a refugee camp in Senegal told me that.  I see what he means.

Anyway, you don't need me to fill out any form for that ATM card.  Nah...here's how you handle that:  you take the card and shove it up your fat ass sideways.  Don't forget to program in the PIN number first, or you'll get nothing out of it.  Have a nice day.  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, really hoped I'd get a response to that....

Rotsa Ruck On This One-San

"CATOOOOO...for to-niiiiight, I am cancelling the attack or-dair!", followed by an off-key trumpet blast.

In the movie, Cato didn't get the word. Nor did his stand-in on this blog.

Another flurry of email scams rained down upon my deliberately-targeted email address, in the past month. Included were an alleged Iraq War veteran with loot from the late Saddam Insane, an ATM card from Nigeria, two dying widows in Africa, a needed-foreigner in the Ivory Coast for an inheritance, a Chinese banker with contractor overcharges to skim, an oft-used job offer from the UK, and...another inheritance scam by an alleged Chinese barrister from a bank in Malaysia, with a Japanese email address.

*TOING*

It was time for email re-writing again. And, of course, I couldn't leave out the runners' up...they were all included in the 'new and improved' email from Barrister Fong Chong (barristerfongchongeconsultant@yahoo.co.jp), as recipients of his intended largess. I didn't want anyone to feel left out, like Sly and the Family Stone(d).

For the 'voice' and 'diction' of Mr. Fong Chong-san, my memory served me well, as I (sorta) channeled the famous French detective from the 1970s, Inspector...Chief Inspector...Jacques Clouseau of the Sharpai, or wherever it was he was from. And, of course, sent from my latest email address for cross-screwing with the online scamming community.

Here's what went back to Bannister Fong and his odious peers:

Attention Prease

I am Bannister Fong Chong, an attorney at raw. I discover your emair and informations through rooking on bathroom warrs in pubric restrooms during my business travers. But that not important now-san. What important now-san is that I assure you that this sounds rike a scam because a rot of activities going on internet. But I assure you that this is rear.

A diseased crient of mine, who herein after be refer to as party of dead part, die because of unknown-rerated condition on 11 January 2010. His condition -- decayed since then -- was due in rarge part to death of rest of party of dead part's famiry. This happen when prane they frying on not go from point A to point B rike it supposed to. It make 'oopsie daisy' in between points, farr down and go 'boom'.

I have contact you to assist in distributing money reft behind by party of dead part before it is decrared uncraimed by the bank where the deposit sit worth Ten Mirrion Six Hundred Thousand US Dorrars. This bank has issue a notice for dead to rise and craim money, or it be confiscated-san.

My proposition to you is to seek consent of you to ret me present you as the next of kin and beneficiary to party of dead part, so that you so totarry rike expect the proceeds of account can be paid to you. Then you can assume you get to keep 40% of this money-san, and I take rest, but that for rater when you find you get f***ed rike three peckered goat in ewe convent. Strange image I know, but some of you identify with goat-san image and for others I digress.

I require you honest cooperate to ret us see this transaction through. This executed under a regitimate arrangement-san that protect you from many breach of the raw, you sabe? I rike how that sound, I say again-san: I require you honest cooperate to ret us see this transaction through. This executed under a regitimate arrangement-san that protect you from many breach of the raw. Sound rike music to ears-san, yes no?

I think necessary now to say to you that if this business offer offend your morar varues, do accept my view that you need new morar varues. Get over it-san. I arso improre to exercise most indurgence to keep this matter secret-san, for purpose of not retting cat out of bag before derivered to restaurant.

Prease contact me at once to express your interest-san. I rike you to acknowredge the receipt of this message soonest at my secretary's emair (I used the address of another scammer, for sh**s and giggles) and treat with absorute secretness and sincerity-san. I rook forward to your quick repry. Arso incrude your direct terephone number when contact to make me have speaks with you.

Cato, the attack order for tonight is rescinded-san.

Of no great surprise, the other alleged Asian scammer didn't bother to repry..reply to this offer; nor did Bannister Fong Chong bother to thank me for enhancing his generous offer to deriver the business with egg rorr. Nor did most of the others. BUT...I did get one, how shall we say...confused response from Barrister Stacy Miller (barr_stacymiller@mygroupuser.com), who was supposed to be the contact for one of the dying widows in Africa:

what is this. have i communicate with you for this?

Oh, goodie. I git to have speaks at least wunst agin. Leaving behind Clouseau and Cato, I have a goat at this one:

Ah, Bannister Stacy Miller! You were the one I really wanted to have speaks with! I am sooo glad you replied! Let me introduce myself: I am Bannister Fong Chong. Just like you, I am a bannister. We bannisters need to stick together. With enough dirty hands using us daily, we can do this. But I digress.

I have a problem. You, my dear bannister Miller -- by mere locality of your business -- have the solution. Please hear me out.

I have a three-peckered goat. It is a freak of nature, but one that I, being a supporter of animal rights, wish to see satisfied. At any rate, the poor goat has been ensconced in a ewe convent for the past year. Talk about frustrated: a three-peckered goat in a ewe convent, where abstinence is absolute, and chastity doesn't blow goats? The goat is so frustrated, he's ready to mount a statue of Idi Amin, late of Uganda, if he knew where to find one. But I digress.

A Dr. Samuel Okoronji (dr.samuelokoronji@yahoo.com) has a herd of embraceable ewes, but won't share. I want you to impose upon him and get him to reconsider. I have an account in Switzerland that will make your efforts most lucrative. It contains USD 10.6 Million in unused thongs from the plus-sized Victoria's Rebushed Secrets catalogue. I'm sure that they have your size in stock. They goat to 5XL.

Can you help my poor goat out? His name is Goat...Goat Ferit.

What say you, Bannister Stacy Miller? We trade wampum?

It took a day, but the reply was not in keeping with further business discussions:

f*** off

With that affirmation in my pocket, I sent an email to all the other scammers, thanking Bannister Stacy Miller for accepting to act as goat-between with Dr. Samuel Okoronji and his embraceable ewes.

But no one wanted to play any more.

Goat figure.