Psychic.C'mawn

You might argue that I should have seen this coming. 'Cept I'm not, nor have ever claimed to be, a psychic. Were I...I would have already had it marked on the calendar. And done one or two other things of some use.

Over 11 years, I've pretty much seen all of the popular scam ploys online. Some well-written, some crafted by persons of dubious antecedence and badly dumbed-down education. But it's been quite a while since I've seen something remotely 'new'. Until, that is, the recent flurry of emails.

And this one I should have foreseen...or not, as aforementioned:

Title: It is fortold

From: chuck martins (chuckmartins12@gmail.com)

dear friend

i realize you do not know me but i sincerely know you. i see all about you. let this not be of concern by you as you hear me out and see what i fortel for our mutual good.

i was born to proverty but i was born to a gift a gift inside i do not know about gift as a boy only as adult man do i come to learn of my gift that i have since to share with others.

i am born with gift of future see. i am a clarevoyent.

i know you are of doubt but remember that i know this is how you first feel as you read my word. hear me for why i contact you now and how i know that this contact make a good future for you.

i have friend here in Paraguay who has found a large sum of money left to him by his dead father but because of modality of bank and because his father was a politician not liked well by government, it is obstacle to him getting money. he came to me because he know i can see the path to success and my gift lead me to contact you because i know how it will work with your help. you are person who can make his realized his fund.

i know you will help i have seen you help and it is good. my friend okay me to say to you that when you help it will bring to you 40% of this fund which is $12.5 million usd in dollars.

i ask with confident that you reply soonest to the person of note here. he is my friends legal adviser mr. eddie williams. his email eddwilliams60@gmail.com is for you to use to start help my friend as i forsee you to do this.

please be assure i use my gift for good of humanty and will ask no risk of you to help. that is how i see that you will. contact eddie soonest.

Nuh-uh! A psychic scammer? Really?

Then again...what is/was Ms Cleo?

So I decide to test my so-called 'clarevoyent'...if he truly is, he'll already know I'm gonna, and have all the answers ready to sway me:

Dear Psychic Chuckie,

You must be some kinda clairvoyant, on accounta cuz you KNEW I'd reply to such an unusual email. And you furthered your bona fides to a degree, by knowing that I would be a bit skeptical as I read your most unexpected missive. Granted, a six year old would have had a moment of "nuh-UH!" to your email, but I digress.

So you will not be surprised -- in fact, I'm sure you foresaw this coming -- that I have a few questions for you. Questions that, once provided, will establish your bona fides to my complete satisfaction, whereupon I can get down to business with your friend's legal dude, Eddie (who also received this email).

Please answer the following questions which, if you're authentic, you are already putting into a return email (which I should have already received from you before sending them, but I'm willing to cut you a little credibility slack, as you already know) :

1. what kind of pet do I have?

2. what's my pet's name?

3. how tall am I when I fart?

4. what did I just hang off my left ear?

6. what just flew into my patio window?

7. who wins the US presidential election in 2012?

8. does the world end, according to the Mayan calendar, in December 2012?

9. what are the Mega Millions winning numbers for this coming Tuesday, March 29th?

10. what number did I skip and why?

Upon receipt from you of the correct answers and you will be soooo right as to my level of cooperation with Fast Eddie.

With the email sent, I shouldn't of had to wait so long for a response. If Chuck Martins were truly 'psychic' -- as I pointed out to him -- he should have anticipated my reply, and sent the answers before I emailed the questions. I mean, he did foretell of my cooperation, right?

Apparently, Eddie Williams wasn't psychic, and wanted no part of my response. But it wasn't really meant for him...it was meant for Chuck. And from Chuck, I did get a reply:

ours time is not to waste on small matter my gift is mean for serious business please follow my first instruction now

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* Jean Dixon FAIL:

Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie...clairvoyant FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For a true psychic, the only tough question I asked there was the one about my pet. The rest should have been a snap for you. You should have answered before I even sent the damned questions. Especially #9. THAT would have been good for my future, dude.

You get one do-over. But I don't grade on a curve, so you must get ALL the questions right. And I'll give you one hint on question 2: it's a guy name. On #9, amend your answer for the evening of Friday, April 1. Since you say that our time is not to waste...Ready....GO!

It's just after midnight on the morning of April 1, and I am still waiting.

Should I be? I mean...did I just prove that Chuckie isn't psychic? Or did he fail to respond because he suddenly foresaw that I wasn't going to buy it, because he 'saw' that I suspected that someone was just screwing with me, because of the date?

My mystical Eight Ball just said "try again later". It always sez that about the Lotto...FAIL.