Seymour 'Writes' Again

I thought, after my last experience with my pet rock Seymour's alleged literary *creativity* -- ie., where he parodies famous songs and tries to pass them off as his own creation ("do NOT!!) -- that we were done with that phase.

This morning, I find that I was wrong.

A pile of wadded up paper, with a rather smug-looking rock, barely able to see out of the pile, greeted me before that first, mirage-degrading cup of coffee.

Seymour: "I've done it!"

Me: "I wasn't about to blame Windy and Barry (the barometer) for the mess you're buried in.."

Seymour: "Phfffft. I have written a song, all on my own!"

Me: "Oh nuh-uh.."

Seymour: "Oh nuh-HUH!"

Me: "Who did you parody this time?"

Seymour: "Did NOT!!"

So when I asked to see the 'lyrics', Seymour was initially rather defensive. But sitting nearby, was my old Sony Walkman, with the headphones conveniently within Seymour's reach. So I put 'em on and after replacing the batteries -- 'cuz Seymour forgot to turn the silly thing off until the batteries died -- rewound the tape a wee bit, and...

Me: "Seymour, you parodied the Fab Four!"

Seymour: "Did NOT!"

Me: "Really? So...what tune did you write your lyrics to?"

Seymour: "Uh...nuthin' special...."

Me: "C'mon, Seymour...lyrics NEED a tune, and it's a Beatles tune that was last played on here.."

Seymour: "well, okay, so I let the Beatles write a tune that I could work from...but the lyrics are MINE! Really!"

Me: "Excuse me...you LET the Beatles write a tune?"

Seymour: "Uh-HUH!"

Me: "Really?"

Seymour: "Really really!"

Me: "Is it the tune I just happened to rewind to that you wrote your lyrics to fit?"

Seymour: "uh....well...mebbe.."

Oy vay.

See, Seymour's got a fauxcreative bug going. After visits with four budding/accomplished artists/writers since 2006 (Amy Chavez, Monica Newton-McCawley, Mayden aka Cora Runkle Blinsmon, and Janine Rusnak-Abbott), he's decided that he wants to be a writer, too. Of music. Problem is...despite the incredible array of accomplished talents Seymour's been exposed to, Seymour's about as creative as a mucus membrane ("am NOT...er, what's that??"). So after a little bit of negotiations -- I promised to order some Chinese delivery later, and share -- Seymour reluctantly let me see what he'd 'created'.

I sprayed coffee all over the lyrics. Seymour got pissed. Even moreso, when Windy and Barry joined in snickering. You be the judge as I present you Seymour's latest parody lyrics ("are NOT!!"):

Picture yourself in a boat on the ocean,

bailing as fast as the water pours nigh.

Somebody's calling, you take time to notice,

a girl with some platypus eyes.

Kapok life jackets of yellow and green,

billowing under your buns.

Look for the girl...with the platypus eyes,

and she dived.

(CHORUS accompanied by something thrice-BONKed)

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

O...MG..

Me: "You CAN'T be serious..."

Seymour: "am TOO!!...Keep going, it gets better!!"

No, it doesn't:

Follow her down to a bend in the river,

where lizard lipped people suck marshmallow flies.

Everyone vomits and gags at the odor,

that gets so disgustingly high.

Newspaper cartoons appear on the bank,

waiting to take you to Cleveland ("Cleveland?").

Board them with eyes closed and holding your nose,

and you're off.

(Chorus with something thrice-BONKed)

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

noooooo.....sh**....

Me: "SEYMOUR!!"

Seymour: "Oh, lighten up! The best part's next!"

No, it ain't:

Photo yourself on a horse in a station,

with porcupine porters and butt-cracking ties.

Suddenly someone is there passing methane,

the girl with the platypus eyes.

(CHORUS with something thrice-BONKed)

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

Lucy's getting high...on door knobs,

whooooa, dude...

Seymour: "Whaddaya think?? Think I can get the Beatles to record it???"

I'm going back to bed, and see if I can wake up from this particular nightmare...

Seymour: "Is NOT!!! And anyway, mine's better than William Shatners!!!"

Forgetting, for a moment, that Seymour just admitted it was a parody ("did NOT!!")...on that part, he's got a point...