How To Apply For An Online Loan

...that you don't want.

Banker Cat -- aka in this case, Lee Yong of Global Loan Firm, Inc, an (ill) Fortuned 5 Million company -- didn't approve me, either.

So if you've been turned down for a loan, worry not...you're in good company. Unless you don't consider me 'good company', like Lee and some of his peers do.

Granted, I didn't exactly 'apply' in the manure that Lee hoped I woulda.

It started with a spam-diverted email to one of my less-targetted accounts. With a header like this -- 3% Interest Rate Loan** Apply Now** -- it begged for my further attention. And a little pre-response internet research, to see how many fraud entries had been already recorded for Global Loan Firm, Inc.

I didn't bother counting 'em; I just did what I've been doing a lot of lately. 'Massaging' the email a tad, and sending it back with a 'filled out' application. As well as forwarding it to all the current scammer email addresses I had on hand.

The gist of the original scam email was offering the recipient -- and here I was, wunst agin categorized as one of those pesky 'undisclosed recipients' -- a loan at between 2-3%, up to 10,000,000 UK pound sterling, for terms up to 25 years. All I'd have to do was fill out a quick and easy application, email it in, and loan approval would be within a day or so.

Guaranteed.

Of course, THEN, I'd have to pay fees for the loan and application process, as well as insurance fees for the transfer, all under the guise of a 'diplomatic courier delivery service'. Therein wuz the *TOING*.

But we didn't git that fer. Seems my re-write and application kinda took Lee Yong offen his game. More on that in a mo'. First, what I 'tweaked' and sent back to Lee and about a dozen of his peers:

Dear Esteemed Customer,

You are welcome to LEE LONG DONG DUNG GLOBAL LOAN FIRM INC. We are currently needing some venture capital so we are venturing to get into some of yours by way of offering to give out loans to any part of the world at 125% interest rate, compounded daily. If that didn't cause you immediate onset of cardio vaporlock, please contact Mr. Mason Scout with the email address bellow: leeyong50@gmail.com, before it does. We allege to give out loans between 5000 pounds and 10,000,000 pounds as the case may allege to be, at interest rates competitive with the best of any organized crime or loan shark operation. To any part of the world. With a duration of up to 25 years, cuz the way we work, we can say just about anything. If you believe an amoeba spit of it, we're in. Also, we only gives out loans to applicants between the ages of internet accesible and above. We have many satisfied customers to choose from, like Dr. Samuel Okoronji, who write, "you make my loan and I get all the f***able goats I can fornicate with in one week. Thank you, Global Loan Firm Inc!". And Barrister Stacy Miller, who write us that "thanks to your agreeable terms and conditions, I am totally f***ing destitute, and Dr. Samuel Okoronji got all my f***able goats Thanks loads!" To join our growing list of satisfied us customers, please fill out the application bellow and provide us with your informations and goat f***ing proposal:

(in the original, the application was titled 'Data Form', with the instructions that "essential fields are marked *", of which apparently every field was considered essential to screw with by moi).

*First Name: Jack N.

*Last Name: Ewehoff

*Prefix: Grand Exalted Poobah Emeritus Connundrum

*Age: Good thang ah ain't a woman...you'd git *bonked* fer askin' that

*Address: 161 Gregory Street Central City

*State: Jefferson (well it WUZ, once..briefly)

*Country: stolen many moons ago via wars of conquest and bad wampum trading

*Business name: Trysum Artificially Inseminated Earwig Farms

*Loan Amount Needed: $5,000,000 USD...don' need none of that pound sh**

*Purpose of Loan: To diversify farm to add artificially inseminated Smart Cars and f***able goats, which seems to have a growing market

*Duration: fer as long as I kin keep y'all funded me h'yar or 12/21/12 when the Mayan Calendar goes phfffffft, whichever happens first

*Date of Birth: 4/1/60

*Gender: I engenders many admirable traits I don' happen ta use

*Marital Status: depends on who's tryin' ta serve me what papers

*Next of Kin: me baby brudder, Beat N. Ewehoff

*Monthly Income: are we including the legal part?

*Phone: (used my good ol' fax machine to nowhere)

*Email: (my usual one for this kinda sh**)

All modes of Fund Reception will be Diplomatic Courier Delivery Service, with all fees, excise taxes, duties, tariffs, I shot the tariff but I diddunt shoot da deputy, kickbacks and government officials palm-greasings, the responsibility of the applicant. In acknowledgements of these detail, we shall send you our terms along with repayment schedule predicated on prevailing winds carrying lethal wildebeest methane across vast tracts of Newark, NJ. The rest is up to your honesty and diligence, and four dozen other acronyms not herein twittered. I am resolved to be, for I know none else who TO be or not,

Mr. Lee Long Dong Dung

Sent back to Yong and a chosen dozen of his scamming peers, I eagerly awaited anything.

All I got back was a reply from Yong: no text, just a blank reply that contained the aforementioned 'tweaked' application.

Danged if I didn't leave the wanker speechless.

Which I can understand: 125% interest rate? That'd take the starch out of most intestinal fortitudes, I reckon.