Rotsa Ruck On This One-San

"CATOOOOO...for to-niiiiight, I am cancelling the attack or-dair!", followed by an off-key trumpet blast.

In the movie, Cato didn't get the word. Nor did his stand-in on this blog.

Another flurry of email scams rained down upon my deliberately-targeted email address, in the past month. Included were an alleged Iraq War veteran with loot from the late Saddam Insane, an ATM card from Nigeria, two dying widows in Africa, a needed-foreigner in the Ivory Coast for an inheritance, a Chinese banker with contractor overcharges to skim, an oft-used job offer from the UK, and...another inheritance scam by an alleged Chinese barrister from a bank in Malaysia, with a Japanese email address.

*TOING*

It was time for email re-writing again. And, of course, I couldn't leave out the runners' up...they were all included in the 'new and improved' email from Barrister Fong Chong (barristerfongchongeconsultant@yahoo.co.jp), as recipients of his intended largess. I didn't want anyone to feel left out, like Sly and the Family Stone(d).

For the 'voice' and 'diction' of Mr. Fong Chong-san, my memory served me well, as I (sorta) channeled the famous French detective from the 1970s, Inspector...Chief Inspector...Jacques Clouseau of the Sharpai, or wherever it was he was from. And, of course, sent from my latest email address for cross-screwing with the online scamming community.

Here's what went back to Bannister Fong and his odious peers:

Attention Prease

I am Bannister Fong Chong, an attorney at raw. I discover your emair and informations through rooking on bathroom warrs in pubric restrooms during my business travers. But that not important now-san. What important now-san is that I assure you that this sounds rike a scam because a rot of activities going on internet. But I assure you that this is rear.

A diseased crient of mine, who herein after be refer to as party of dead part, die because of unknown-rerated condition on 11 January 2010. His condition -- decayed since then -- was due in rarge part to death of rest of party of dead part's famiry. This happen when prane they frying on not go from point A to point B rike it supposed to. It make 'oopsie daisy' in between points, farr down and go 'boom'.

I have contact you to assist in distributing money reft behind by party of dead part before it is decrared uncraimed by the bank where the deposit sit worth Ten Mirrion Six Hundred Thousand US Dorrars. This bank has issue a notice for dead to rise and craim money, or it be confiscated-san.

My proposition to you is to seek consent of you to ret me present you as the next of kin and beneficiary to party of dead part, so that you so totarry rike expect the proceeds of account can be paid to you. Then you can assume you get to keep 40% of this money-san, and I take rest, but that for rater when you find you get f***ed rike three peckered goat in ewe convent. Strange image I know, but some of you identify with goat-san image and for others I digress.

I require you honest cooperate to ret us see this transaction through. This executed under a regitimate arrangement-san that protect you from many breach of the raw, you sabe? I rike how that sound, I say again-san: I require you honest cooperate to ret us see this transaction through. This executed under a regitimate arrangement-san that protect you from many breach of the raw. Sound rike music to ears-san, yes no?

I think necessary now to say to you that if this business offer offend your morar varues, do accept my view that you need new morar varues. Get over it-san. I arso improre to exercise most indurgence to keep this matter secret-san, for purpose of not retting cat out of bag before derivered to restaurant.

Prease contact me at once to express your interest-san. I rike you to acknowredge the receipt of this message soonest at my secretary's emair (I used the address of another scammer, for sh**s and giggles) and treat with absorute secretness and sincerity-san. I rook forward to your quick repry. Arso incrude your direct terephone number when contact to make me have speaks with you.

Cato, the attack order for tonight is rescinded-san.

Of no great surprise, the other alleged Asian scammer didn't bother to repry..reply to this offer; nor did Bannister Fong Chong bother to thank me for enhancing his generous offer to deriver the business with egg rorr. Nor did most of the others. BUT...I did get one, how shall we say...confused response from Barrister Stacy Miller (barr_stacymiller@mygroupuser.com), who was supposed to be the contact for one of the dying widows in Africa:

what is this. have i communicate with you for this?

Oh, goodie. I git to have speaks at least wunst agin. Leaving behind Clouseau and Cato, I have a goat at this one:

Ah, Bannister Stacy Miller! You were the one I really wanted to have speaks with! I am sooo glad you replied! Let me introduce myself: I am Bannister Fong Chong. Just like you, I am a bannister. We bannisters need to stick together. With enough dirty hands using us daily, we can do this. But I digress.

I have a problem. You, my dear bannister Miller -- by mere locality of your business -- have the solution. Please hear me out.

I have a three-peckered goat. It is a freak of nature, but one that I, being a supporter of animal rights, wish to see satisfied. At any rate, the poor goat has been ensconced in a ewe convent for the past year. Talk about frustrated: a three-peckered goat in a ewe convent, where abstinence is absolute, and chastity doesn't blow goats? The goat is so frustrated, he's ready to mount a statue of Idi Amin, late of Uganda, if he knew where to find one. But I digress.

A Dr. Samuel Okoronji (dr.samuelokoronji@yahoo.com) has a herd of embraceable ewes, but won't share. I want you to impose upon him and get him to reconsider. I have an account in Switzerland that will make your efforts most lucrative. It contains USD 10.6 Million in unused thongs from the plus-sized Victoria's Rebushed Secrets catalogue. I'm sure that they have your size in stock. They goat to 5XL.

Can you help my poor goat out? His name is Goat...Goat Ferit.

What say you, Bannister Stacy Miller? We trade wampum?

It took a day, but the reply was not in keeping with further business discussions:

f*** off

With that affirmation in my pocket, I sent an email to all the other scammers, thanking Bannister Stacy Miller for accepting to act as goat-between with Dr. Samuel Okoronji and his embraceable ewes.

But no one wanted to play any more.

Goat figure.