Post 1800: Dying Scammers And Uranus Wunst Agin

This blog began in June 2005 with Post 1.

At an average of one post every three or so days, it's taken this long to make it to Post 1800.

Naturally, Uranus would have to find a place in it.

Since it starts with a Third World email scam, that fits.

A heavily-favored template in Scamland is that of a dying person in a Third World hospital, offering the email recipient millions.

Righhhhhhhhhht.

Here's the latest effort to tug at my heart strings from Scamland:

Hello,
I'm Ms Aleksandra Lakic. I am writing from a hospital in Ivory Coast,
therefore this mail is very urgent.

I have been told by my doctor that I was poisoned and have got my liver 

damaged and can only live for few more weeks, I have a little orphan child, 

named Janice and [8.4 Million dollars] I inherited from my late father, I 

want you to help her out of this country with the money. 

(1) Set out 40% of the money to establish my daughter Janice 

(2) Give 30% of the money to the less privileged. The remaining 

30% should be for you and others that you may love to assist. 

Contact my daughter with her details below.

Janice Lakic
janicelakic@gmail.com
Telephone: +225 0574 0164 79

She will give you the documents of the money and will direct you to a
well known lawyer that I have appointed to her, the lawyer will assist
you to change the documents of the money to your name to enable the
bank to transfer the money to you. Janice is a young girl therefore
guides her.
Thanks for your acceptance to help accomplish my wish.
Ms Aleksandra Lakic

 This would have been all well and good, 'cept that over the years, I have no heart strings available to tug.  My pet rocks, Seymour and Element, will confirm that.

So my reply to both Lakics would be anticipated to reflect that:

Statistically speaking, you are less likely to emerge from a hospital in the Ivory Coast than you are to survive a journey to Uranus in a Yugo.

I recommend you find yourself a Yugo to become ensconced in soonest if not soonerer.

When survival is better th'yah than h'yah,

the sooner you start, the better off-er-er you'll be.  Just sayin'.

The elder and allegedly ailing Lakic had nothing further to add after that, but Janice Lakic wasn't quite ready to let it go, though the understanding gap was obvious:

i do not undersand your reply?

So I see.  Allowing for clarification, your operation to give me the business has aborted.  You might try a new tact and template.  Perhaps one involving an inflatable sex toy, a Motel 6, a compromised politician, and Preparation H misused as toothpaste. See if your handlers understand THAT.

From the silence that followed, it appears that Lakic's handlers did indeed 'undersand' that.

Odds In the Ends

Yes, there's a point to the appearance of Cpl. Klinger from MASH.  And you won't have long to wait for it.

First, feast your eyes upon this effort to give me the business by Naomi Gagnon, who sent an email that was void of text in the body, 'cuz it was all jammed up in the header:

Hello, Greetings to You,Please permit me to introduce myself to you, I'm Miss Naomi Gagnon only daughter of late Dr.fabrice Gagnon,im 21 years old, I am a Victim war and polical Crises which cursed the death of my father My father left a big amount of money with the bank USD 4.5MILLION DOLLARS, and I don't know about this, it was on the 10th of October last year that our family lawyer kindly hand over to me the documents covering the deposit to me Please it is a long story that if I started to narrate all of them to you, you will start shedding tears over there, but I will give you Full details in your next mail as soon as i hear from you but kindly bear in mind that I need you to help me out of this my critical condition and help transfer this money to your account and assist me come over there for security of my life and the fund and start a new life and destiny I am anxiously waiting for your kind response Thanks once again and please extend my greeting to your family. Thanks and God bless you Miss Naomi Gagnon

Okay...now let's get to the point of Cpl. Klinger being in this edit, sorta:

Hello, Greetings to You,Please permit me to introduce myself to you, I'm Miss Naomi Gagnon only daughter of late Dr.fabrice Gagnon,im 21 years old, I am a transhemerroideral gender neutral eunuch of dubious antecedence with no bathroom to call my own, since we usually foul ourselves behind a tree hereabouts.  I've heard all about these safe zones on college campuses in America where delicate flowers are protected from hearing "trigger words" like "self responsibility", "self accountability", "common sense" and such, and I am very much the interested in coming there so I can find out what a bathroom is, and learn what are the "trigger words" that should cause me to empty my bowels while curled in a ball on the floor, whining because my poor widdow feewings was hurt.  

 

I probably need to learn these things because my father abuse sheep and goats when his inflatable girlfriend left him for Otto from Airplane.  

 

It so dramatized him that he left a big amount of money with the bank USD 4.5MILLION DOLLARS, and this make me most ashame of my privilege which is all the rage there on American college campuses...I don't know about this, but it something I need to learn if I am going to get to vote in your election in November 500 times for who the DNC tell me to vote for, in exchange for my very own bathroom and safe zone in their pedophiles section of their basement.  

 

 

Please it is a long story that if I started to narrate all of them to you, you will start laughing yourself to ass off, but I will give you Full heavily redacted details in your next mail as soon as i hear from you but kindly bear in mind that I need you to help me get a gender friendly bathroom of which I am only now learning is so critical to the salvation of western society.  Silly me...I thought those ISIS bastards were more of a threat than a gender neutral bathroom, or needing a safe space from words like "conservative" and "hellary isn't trustworthy" and "peanut butter sandwich"...but I'm a simple Third World dildo brain that can only think for myself when I'm told what it is that is thinkable, like making pedophile-friendly bathrooms.  This is most important according to Debbil Washingmachine Snitz, the DNC chairpoison.  I am anxiously waiting for your kind response Thanks once again and please extend my greeting to the shrieking marmot on YouTube. Thanks and piss up a rope.

Miss Naomi Gagnon

aka Bruce Jenner's pet parrot, Marie Barf

It was obviously too much for Ms Gagnon...learning that her email upset so many people this way.

*snerx*