When In Doubt...Unicorns

This is not what a scammer, purporting to be the General Auditor of Bank of America, at all had in mind when she sent my character this:


Bank of America Financial Center 
Metro Center Station 700 13th St NW, 
Washington, DC 20005, United States
Office of Ms. Christine P. Katziff
Corporate General Auditor (BOA)
Wire Transfer & Audit Department
Direct Tell: +12024555966


Attention:,

I am Ms. Christine P. Katziff, Corporate General Auditor, Bank of America. Be informed of the arrival and availability of your long awaiting inheritance fund Part Payment value, ($7, 000,000.00) only as received. This occurred on the march 21st 2018, through great effort by the USA Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC). But our Bank Board of Directors, refused to get you informed for reasons best known to them, which I believe, must be selfish interest. 

I made my research in our Bank database and confirmed I can wire the fund to your choice of Bank account and have the wire tracer wiped out from the system, where the fund wire transfer cannot be traced to your Bank account by any Financial Authority.  

Therefore, I urge you to trust my skill and assure me the absolute confidentiality of this information, and I will have your fund wired via the fastest method of wire transfer, (MT202 Cov), If you agree or can trust my skill on this matter, reconfirm your details as listed bellow, and I will transfer your fund as you will confirm it in your Bank account same day.

If you have any doubt or negative thought about this, please, don't bother to reply this message, I cannot persuade you, I am only here to exercise my hatred on cheating and cheaters, using my perfect professional skill. 

Be assured of a successful completion of this deal upon adhering to my directives by acting at the right time where necessary. 

No INTERFERENCE from the Government or any Financial Authorities, no one will have the right to intervene on the transaction following my perfect plans to make it happen. 

Reconfirm the following details to enable us commence on the process immediately.

Your Full Names: 
Your Current Home Address: 
Your Direct Cell:
Your Current Occupation:

Bank Names: 
Bank Address:
Bank Account No:
Bank Account Names:
Swift No:
Routing No:

Christine P. Katziff  
Corporate General Auditor  


But that's what my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour, thunk up almost immediately, especially when he saw that if he had any doubt he was not to write back.  Seymour always takes that as a challenge:


  Subject: UNICORNS!!!!!!

 

Bank of Merica Financial Center 

Metro Center Station 700 13th St NW, 
Washington, DC 20005, United States
Office of Ms. Christine P. Katziff
Corporate Genital Auditor (BOM)
Wire Transfer & Audit Department
Direct Tell: +12024555966

Attention:

I am Ms. Christine P. Katziff, Corporate Genital Auditor, Bank of Merica. Be informed of the arrival and availability of long awaiting unicorns only as received. This occurred on the march 21st 2018, through great effort by the USA Office of the Troller of the Currency (OTC). But our Board of Directors, refused to get you informed for reasons best known to them, which I believe, must be shell fish interest.  In short, they clammed up.

I made my research in our database and confirmed I can ship to you a unicorn of your choice and have the tracking tracer wiped out from the system, where the transfer cannot be traced to you by any Authority.  

Therefore, I urge you to trust my skill and assure me the absolute confidentiality of this information, and I will have your unicorn sent via the fastest method of transfer, (WTF202 Cov), If you agree or can trust my skill on this matter, reconfirm your details as listed bellow, and I will transfer your unicorn as you will confirm it in your back yard same day.

If you have any doubt or negative thought about this, please, don't bother to reply this message, I cannot persuade you, I am only here to exercise my hallucinogenic hatred on Mesopotamian Fork Sticks, using my perfect professional skill. 

Be assured of a completion of this deal upon adhering to my directives by acting at the right time where necessary. 

No INTERFERENCE from the Government or any Authorities, no one will have the right to intervene on the shipping of your unicorn following my perfect plans to make it happen. 

Reconfirm the following details to enable us commence on the process immediately.

Your Full Names: 
Your Current Home Address: 
Your Direct Cell:
Your Current Occupation:
Where Do You Want Unicorn Delivered: 

Christine P. Katziff  
Corporate Genital Auditor          

PS:  I can't guarantee what flavor of ice cream your particular unicorn will crap.  That's luck of the draw.   

 

 

I heard nothing further back from the genital auditor, but one scammer that received a copy of this was a bit distressed:

 

 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

 

 

What...you allergic to unicorns?  

 

 

Seymour and I thought everyone liked 'em...      

What's In YOUR Email?

I know what's in MY email.

Scams like this h'yar:

JP Morgan Chase Bank of New York
270 Park Avenue, 39th Floor,
Webside: www.jpmorgan..com / wsshttps://chaseonline.chase.com/

Attn:Beneficiary,

I write to inform you that the Federal Executive Council of the united states of America in collaboration with JP Morgan Chase Bank to wishes to Compensate you with the sum of US$10.5 Million Dollars after discovering you are a victim of scam to some impostors who claim to be what they are not And we have mount our network monitoring code to track them down with such act here in united states and other countries.

Note, this decision was made by the Federal Executive Council of united states of America in collaboration with JP Morgan Chase Bank to enable you reach out with the goal and objective of Charitable Organization Union in your communities and we don’t know how much you have been scammed years-back in trying to  receive your contract/inheritance payment but we believe the stated amount $10.5 Million (Ten Million fine hundred thousand USD) will put you in other to forget your past and continue your future without participating in such scandal again. And for us to finalize your approve payment with us you will have to re-confirm the information below to us after reading this email for a quick procession of your payment.

1) Your Full Name
2) Your Direct telephone number
3) Your Complete Address
4) A Copy Of Your Identification I.D
5) Occupation & Position

Upon the receipt of the above information from you, i will switch into action with further instruction of your payment without any further delay. So be advice that  your maximum co-operation to this office will help us released your fund to you. And as i prove to let you know me, please see the attach copy of my ID for  more clarification.

Thank you

Yours Sincerely

Mr. James Dimon.
Executive Director,
Member of Operating Committee of JP Morgan  


Yawp.  That's what's in my email.

Well...this is what's now in the scammer's email:

From: JPMorgan Chase & Co <JPMorgan@ceres.ocn.ne.jp>
Sent: Sunday, August 5, 2018 1:14 AM
Subject:  JPMorgan, What He Chase & Why You Shouldn't

 

 JPMorgan, What He Chase & Why You Shouldn't of New York
270 Park Avenue, 39th Floor,

NYC NY something five digits

Attn:

I write to inform you that the Federal Executive Council of the Unicorns Crapping Ice Cream in collaboration with JPMorgan, What He Chase & Why You Shouldn't, wishes to Constipate you with left over rigatoni from the employee cafeteria after discovering you are a victim of burritos from some impostors who claim to be what they are not and we have mount our network stuffed llama to track them down with such act both here and other countries, because we cannot tolerate substandard unicorns crapping rigatoni when it's supposed to be ice cream.

 Note, this decision was made by the Federal Endangered Feces Act in collaboration with  JPMorgan, What He Chase & Why You Shouldn't, to enable you not long be constipated with the goal and objective of Charitable unicorn ice cream crapping in your communities and we don’t know how much you have been scammed years-back by alpacas imitating ice cream crapping unicorns but we believe the stated event as stated as an event is an event as stated and not something made up by cnn, though they might once they read this.  This of course will put you in other to forget your past and continue your future without participating in tostado gender switching again. And for us to finalize your culinary peculiarities with us you will have to re-confirm the information below to us after reading this email for a quick procession of your reconstituted burrito crapped ice cream sundae via unicorn express.

1) Your Full Name
2) Your Direct telephone number
3) Your Complete Indirect Address
4) A Copy Of An Identification I.D, if not your own then that of someone you really don't like
5) Occupation & Position at time you decided you don't like them

Upon the receipt of the above information from you, i will switch into action with further instruction of our international fleet of flying ice cream crapping unicorns without any further delay. So be advice that
your maximum co-operation to this office will help us released from the 72 hour mental health hold this email initially screwed us into. And as i prove to let you know me, please don't see the copy of my ID I forgot to attach because I didn't have one of someone I hated available for more clarification.

Mr. James Demon.
Executive Dumrector,
Member of Operating Committee of  JPMorgan, What He Chase & Why You Shouldn't

With Orifices Everywhere You Don' Wanna Be...'Cuz We Fart

 

 

My pet rock suggested that I accept no ice cream from anything dressed like a unicorn after this....