Pokeyawn Phffft

The new internet app craze that leads people to walk into walls, trees, cars, each other...all in search of mythical pokemon thingees.

Track them, catch them, mix and match 'em, collect the whole set.

Clint Eastwood never had a better reason to demand the punks get off his lawn.

From what I hear, this Pokémon Go craze is leading people into places they're not necessarily needing or wanted to go in, all in search of their little pokemon characters, eggs, et al.

Of course, it's all harmless fun, this pokemon craze...

So what's it all about?  Well, a company came up with an app to allow iphone users to run all over the place and locate pokemon characters and 'catch' them.  A random few have put their lives on hold to catch all 400 plus pokemon thingees.  And have even written "how to" articles for novices.

Though my pet rock, Seymour, is still evading the law in Califorlornia, he's had time to give his geologic appraisal of Pokémon Go -- one elongated "PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!" out of a possible 5 -- and do a little creative editing of a "how to play" pokemon go story right here:


Tips for Pokemon Go Crap

A pet rock's first advice: play thermonuclear war with Matthew Broderick and Joshua; it'll save you around 8 miles a day, every day, in search of distant Pokémon.  

If you're trying to hatch eggs, leave it to a chicken.

If you just walk in little circles, the game won't accurately measure how far you've gone, and you'll have wasted your time and energy. Which is what you'll do regardless.

If you're trying to level up quickly, you want to focus on avoiding malevolent Pokemon that look like this:

If you're going to spend real money on Pokémon Go, Nigerian princes have a gold mine in Ghana, Ivory Coast and Burundi they want to sell you. If you're lucky, they'll have one in Newark too.

But above all else, the key is to avoid watching the Democrap National CONvention, so this might just be the thing to waste your time on. Hearing Hellary screech is worse than any noise a pokemon creature might make.

You may have to travel far and wide to find some of these pokemon thingees. For instance, some poor sot spent days being unable to find Douche Nozzle, a rare dragon-type Pokémon. Then a Russian dating scammer emailed him about a secret Douche Nozzle nest in Kiev, Ukraine, and within a day he'd been conned into sending the source $625 to receive a Douche Nozzle. Which he ain't got yet.

Pokemon addicts claim it also helps if you have a second phone you can borrow while you play. After one's wife and mistress left him because they were sick of all that Pokémon adventuring, he would use their phones he stole as a "radar" to make sure that he didn't miss any Pokémon appearances while he was in line at the welfare and unemployment offices.

Finally, here's a simple tip for the super dedicated: before Pokémon Go, South Park revealed how earlier Pokemon tried to brainwash the children of South Park to attack Pearl Harbor; it is believed that the developer is trying it again with this latest version of Pokémon Go.

Be careful with the areas in Pokémon Go where rare Pokémon appear; that's where the urge to attack Pearl Harbor is manifest. It also leads Mongolians to attack the city walls outside of South Park, which takes the proprietor of Sh*tty Wok Restaurant away from his business. So if you're having trouble with a rare Pokémon, and you're really fed up with it, whack the bastard with a fly swatter or something.

In short, Joshua summed it up best:  "a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play".


My pet rock won't make any friends in the crazed Pokémon community; then again, he won't 'run into' any of them, either.

Unless Pokémon makes Seymour one of the characters to be found.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"