Friday, April 10, 2015

Whole Lotto FBI Going On

Well...my scambaiting characters have heard from the DC-based FBI.  From the Nigeria-based FBI.  From the Benin-based FBI.  Perhaps even from the Uranus-based FBI.

Now we've heard from the UK-based FBI:


Camelot UK Lotteries Limited
The National Lottery
PO Box 251
Watford ,WD18 9BR
United Kingdom
Registered office: Tolpits Lane, Watford, Herts WD18 9RN
Registered in England and Wales No. 2822203
(Customer Services)
Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: 074/09/ZY369 
 
VERIFICATION OF LOTTERY CLAIM 

All protocols observed. Please accept my apologies for my late response. My Name is Deabreu Gregory John. I work with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). I am a contract staff currently attached to the Verification department of the Camelot Group of the Online National Lottery. This is in view of checking false winning claims and Lottery Scams. Every claimant shall be verified by the FBI and winners must be duly paid. False claimants shall also be duly punished. I received an application letter sent by your Fiduciary agent, Miss. Ann Song for the Claim of your Lottery Winnings. The application is to be verified by the National Lottery. Note that all taxes have been paid by the National Lottery. Please read the extract of our terms and conditions below. 

·  In the event that the Company, in its absolute discretion, believes that the Claimant is not lawfully entitled to payment of a Prize or that a Prize has been paid to a Player (including, without limitation, by payment into a Players Account in circumstances where the Company decides, in accordance with Rule 5(D)(3) that the Claimed Play is invalid or defective, it shall be entitled to withhold payment of the Prize or recover or seek to recover a Prize already paid (including, without limitation, where such payment has been made into a Players Account) pending the outcome of all appropriate inquiries. Once the appropriate verifications and inquiries have satisfied the Company, in its absolute discretion, that the Claimant is lawfully entitled to payment of the relevant Prize, it shall credit the amount of such Prize to the Players Account.
· The Player is responsible, where applicable, for claiming a Prize and the protection of the Identification Information that enables the payment of a Prize.
· The Company shall not be responsible or liable to any person claiming a Prize which has been paid to a person who assumed the identity of the holder of the relevant Account and who obtained sufficient information about them to impersonate the rightful holder of that Account. 
 
 
According to the application submitted by Mr Stephen Alex Williams on your behalf, your claim states your winning details as follows
 

Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: 074/06/ZY369
Draw Number: 1999
Draw Date: Saturday, 21st February, 2015
Ticket Number: 56475600545 188
Serial Number: 5627635368/10
Lucky Number: 13 14 16 24 41 43 (bonus no. 39) 
Amount Won:  Ј4,894,600 (Four Million eight hundred and ninety-four thousand, six hundred British Pounds Sterling).

 
Please note that this is an online bonus promotion. Your email address was extracted by our computer from one of our advertising websites. We have over 3,000 advertising websites. You did not purchase a ticket. The Ticket was purchased for you by the online department of the National Lottery using your email address. Your email address was attached to ticket number 56475600545 188 On Saturday, 21st February, 2015, six ball sets were used and after the bonus draws, your email address attached to the above ticket number matched the numbers Ј4,894,600 (Four Million eight hundred and ninety-four thousand, six hundred British Pounds Sterling)). According to the current conversion rate, this amount in the United States Dollars is $7,306,515 (Seven Million, three hundred and six thousand, five hundred and fifteen United States Dollars only). 
 
You were contacted via email as no other contact of yours was in our system as at the time of the draw. Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European booklet representative office in England as indicated in your play coupon. 

You are required to: 

1. Acknowledge the receipt of this email and confirmation of your claim stated above.
2. Reconfirm your full names and address as this would be used for your payment. 
 
Please allow 24-48 working hours to verify your claim. 

Be  further advised to maintain the strictest level of confidentiality until the end of proceedings to circumvent problems associated with fraudulent claims. This is part ofour precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program. 
 
Deabreu Gregory John
THE NATIONAL LOTTERY,
CAMELOT GROUP,
VERIFICATION AND PROCESSING DEPARTMENT,
UNITED KINGDOM.  
 
 
I guess that with the proliferation of scam online lottos in the UK, the FBI feels it necessary to, uh, lend a hand or other idle appendage.
 
Well, this particular branch of the *FBI* discovered how edits work:
 
 
Cameltwot UK Exams Limited
The National Potty
PO Box 251
Watford ,WD18 9BR
United Kingdom
Registered office: Tolpits Lane, Watford, Herts WD18 9RN
Registered in England and Wales No. 2822203
(Customer Services)
Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: 074/09/ZY369
 
 
VERIFICATION OF POTTY CLAIM 

All protocols observed and we now know that you're a bed wetter.  Allow me to tell you how we know that:  my Name is Deabreu Gregory John. I work with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Special Bed Wetting Crimes Unit (SBWCU).  I am a contract staph and strep currently attached to the Genital Verification department of the Cameltwot Group of the Online National Potty. This is in view of checking false bed wetting claims and potty Scams. Every claimant shall be verified by the FBI using our specially made drones the hone in on bed wetters. False claimants shall also be duly punished, and we have the complete lie-brary of every speech Debbil Washingmachine Snitz ever gave, that you'll be forced to sit through, non-stop.  Perhaps you'll excuse the pun, but it doesn't pay to piss off the FBI's Special Bed Wetting Crimes Unit (SBWCU).  I received a report from one of our rogue drones that you are a bed wetter.  It has been verified in the National Potty database. Please read the extract of our terms and conditions below. 
 

·  In the event that the Company, in its absolute discretion, believes that the Claimant is not lawfully entitled to comwetsation for bed wetting, in accordance with Rule 5(D)(3) that the Claimed wetting is invalid or defective, it shall be entitled to withhold replacement bedding or recover or seek to recover a claim of wettage already filed pending the outcome of all appropriate inquiries. Once the appropriate verifications and inquiries have satisfied the Company, in its absolute discretion, that the Claimant is lawfully entitled to what the Company considers fair and just comwetsation for wetting your bed, it shall credit the Claimant accordingly in the national bed wetting database.
· The Wetter is responsible, where applicable, for replacing their own mattress and the protection of the Identification Information that enables the wetter to be kept confidential.
· The Company shall not be responsible or liable to any person claiming to be a bed wetter when all they do is defecate there.  That falls to the FBI's Special Bed Crapper Crimes Unit (SBCCU). 
We expect shows on both units in primetime in the fall of 2015. 
 
According to the application submitted by Mr Stephen Alex Williams on your behalf -- he controlled the drone that detected your wattage -- your claim states your wetting details as follows
 

Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: Urine sample #074/06/ZY369
Batch Number: 1999
Wetting Date: Saturday, 21st February, 2015
Analysis:  Yup..you pissed yourself
Serial Number of Analysis Sample: 5627635368/10
Amount Wetted:  a quart and a half

 
Please note that this is an online bogus promotion. Your email address was extracted by our urine-drenched computer from one of our drone analyzing wetsites. We have over 3,000 drone analyzing wetsites. You did not purchase adult Pampers prior to the episode.  Why didn't you just "go" before going to bed, you nipplehead? 
 
You were contacted via email as no other contact of yours was in our system as at the time of the draw, and none of us wants particularly to knock on your piss-soaked door. Please note that your wetting falls within our European booklet representative office in England as indicated in the dampness collected by our drone. 
 

You are required to:  

1. Acknowledge the receipt of this email and confirmation of your claim stated above.
2. Reconfirm your full names and address as this would be used for arranging for you to be dried off before the next beddie bye tsunami. 
 
Please allow 24-48 working hours for us to sandbag around your bed.  

Be  further advised to maintain the strictest level of confidentiality until the end of proceedings to circumvent problems associated with fraudulent bed wetting claims. This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this bed wetters program.  
 
Deabreu Gregory John
THE NATIONAL POTTY,
CAMELTWOT GROUP,
VERIFICATION AND PROCESSING DEPARTMENT,
UNITED KINGDOM.
"Crikey, use the bloody dunny next time!"
"If we can handle Buckingham Palace bedwetters, you KNOW we can do a whacking great job on YOU!"  


The silence that ensued in the wake of this edited and returned response suggests that they're having to consult the 'home office' to find out where the bed wetting drones are located...


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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

I would be at a loss for words too. Really.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour wherever he is. :)

10 April, 2015 08:41  

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