When A Bank Ain't A Bank

Silly, silly scammers.  Especially those who try to impersonate online banks.

Take this one for example:

Attention Beneficiary

 

In fight against corruption in the Banking system and in pursuit to re-build a good relationship with foreigners by the President of the United States of America. We wish to inform you that every files and reports concerning international payment of all the foreign beneficiaries was brought to my office in the Order and instruction of the U.S Department of States and U.S Department of Treasury.

 

 

I must confess that i shared tears after seeing your unclaimed and uncompleted transactions, It was a national slap and a disgrace to this Country after noticing that your have paid for all the fee to receive your fund but your funds never got to your bank account because of the selfish interest of the banks and Individuals mandated to transfer and release your fund to your bank account.

 

 

The U.S Department of States and U.S Department of Treasury has approved a compensation payment of US $4,500,000.00 in your name which shall be transfer to your bank account through an online, We will create an online bank in your name and you will transfer your fund by yourself through our online to your bank account. We chose to transfer your fund through an online banking so that no Agency will notice or stop your fund. Sir, you shall receive this compensation fund within 3 working day, if you comply with our instructions and adhere to our directives. 

Get back to us with your information as listed below.

Your Full Name:

Address:

Phone number:

Age and Occupation:

Next of Kin:

Scan Copy of your identification

 

Thank you for your mutual understanding and cooperation as we wait to read from you soonest.

Yours Faithfully,

Dr. David Morgan,

Foreign Remittance Department,

Woodforest National Bank.  

 

My 'editing gone wild' pet rock Seymour was busy with trying to romance the lump of coal I received from Santa for my past year's behavior -- "was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" -- so my other 'editing gone wild' pet rock Element weighed in with a pretty good effort:

 

 

From: Petrifiedforest National Bank. <meir@tag.co.il>
Sent: Monday, December 16, 2019 11:52 PM
Subject: COMPLIMENT OF THE SEASON:  FESTIVUS THROAT NUTS!! 

 

 

Attention Beneficerary:

 

In fight against regulating corruption on and offline in the Banking system and in pursuit to effectively skewer a good relationship with foreigners of dubious antecedence by the President of the Nigerian ACOWSASS Confounderation, we h'yah in Nigeria wish to inform you all th'yah in the US of A that every files and reports concerning international payment of all the foreign beneficeraries was brung to my office by way of a carrier pterodactyl trained in diplomatic courierdom by the U.S Department of States and U.S Department of Aviary WTF.

 

 

I must confess that i experienced severe sphincter spasms after seeing you had not as yet been had by us; it was a national slap and a disgrace to this Country after noticing that you haven't  paid for all the fee to receive a totally bogus fund.  This is clearly not acceptable to us at ACOWSASS and the Petrifiedforest National Bank.  No siree nada.  This you must correct amundo at once and with dispatch.

 

 

The U.S Department of States, being about as useful as a cactus dildo,  and U.S Department of Aviary WTF has approved the dispatch of one of their highly neurotic, minimally-trained courier pterodactyls in your name which shall be transfer to us your liver if you do not render unto it a payment of not less than $1.98 USD in the form of bit and bent coins -- which the pterodactyl can do with comparative ease -- immediately that it arrives on your premises.  We also highly suggest you have a sheep, pig or cow ready to throw it when it arrives, so it doesn't wolf you down immediately.  

 

By doing this, don't expect us to create an online bank in your name and you will transfer your fund by yourself through our online to your bank account; at Petrifiedforest National Bank, we don't operate that way.  Hell, we barely operate at all.  Last week we were the International Gender Neutral Bank of Fawg, UnLtd, and we never quite mastered that.  We chose to transfer nothing of substance to you via our courier pterodactyl so that no Agency will attempt to stop it.  Even military drones give our courier pterodactyls a wide berth in the air.  And wisely so.

Sir, you shall be looking for this angry boid of courierdom within 3 working day, if you comply with our instructions and adhere to our directives.  And you is one gullible sack of inert crap iffen you do. 

 

 

Get back to us with your information as listed below.

Your Full Name:

Address:

Phone number:

Age and Occupation:

Next of Kin:

Scan Copy of your identification (that's scan a copy, not scam copy; leave the latter to us).

 

Thank you for your total lack of basic understanding and blissfully unawares cooperation as we wait to read from you soonest if not soonerer.

Digestive maladies,

Dr. David Morgan,

Foreign Twat Waffle Reconciler,

Petrifiedforest National Bank.  

 

 

The originating scammer -- assuming that he/she/55 other gender options -- decided that a follow up wasn't in order.

 

I'd say Element nailed it.