Oh Nuh-UHHHH!

I reckon that there are a couple dozen email scammers, sittin' in fly-infested internet cafes, from Lagos to Fairfield, Ohio, who wish they had never had one of their scam emails find its way to my address.

And after the latest one did, add him (along with them) to wonderin' WT-fly-infested-internet-cafe-scam-email-F happened to the email he sent that wound up h'yar.

Simple: I rewrit it. And returned it. To him (aka Dr. David Robert, wu.londonuk1@o2.pl). Him and 20 some odd other recent email scammers, several of which (all recent 'death threateners' to my scambaiting character) were prominently mentioned in the body of the rewrite. I like to be inclusive, 'cuz it makes folks feel good when they're included. Y'all know how a lack of recognition hurts that ol' self esteem and all.

I won't recap the entire rewrite here; only those parts that adequately get the point across that my scambaiting persona is one sick dude, and gettin' sicker all the time:

Good news! I have oral crotch crickets that create anal warts over an infected one's face, and GUESS WHAT??? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRANSMIT THEM VIA EMAIL!!! Which means I can't complete my designated assignment, without YOUR help!!

Personally, I got them from (another scammer)'s illegitimate cross between a daughter and a llama. I tell you, that boy is more twisted than me. But, to business: three is an issue with the ORAL CROTCH CRICKET TRANSFER, UNITED KINGDOM in the amount of 2.5 Million diseased crotch crickets that is directed to you.

(Three other scammers previously dealt with) are the intended recipients. I was tasked to deliver these oral crotch crickets to the aforementioned, but I need you to deliver them. Your help is needed to see that the deserving receive their just and rightful share of crotch crickets, without undue delay or hinderance. The ones they have are already dying off because the ones they got from (first named scammer) were genetically defective. So you see how needed your help is to deliver these 2.5 MILLION ORAL CROTCH CRICKETS to (the four aforementioned scammers) before June 1, 2011.

Please make note of the fact that this is not one of those Nigerian/African scams that all they are after is to rip you off of your crotch crickets and at the end of the deal you are left with an empty wallet and no crotch crickets. We live to serve, and our motto is To Serve You All The Oral Crotch Crickets You Can Mouth.

In the offchance that you should have some questions, please feel free to contact me: wu.londonuk1@o2.pl, phone + 447014233723 (preferably between midnight and 4am, Coordinated Universal Time), and refer to or ask for Dr. David Robert.

At the end of the original email, there was the quaintest little disclaimer, which I happily rewrote for Dr. Robert as well:

Oral Crotch Crickets UnLtd, All Rights Retained. This email is intended for the purpose of f***ing up your entire life and ancestral lineage. If you are spawn of (an aforementioned scammer) we're too late; he's already screwed you for several generations. If you have received this email as a result of having sent it to someone who has a very lowbrow sense of humor, and having him rewrite it and send it back to you and two dozen of your lowerbrow peers, please print it, fold it lengthwise, and shove it up your ass sideways. Notify us immediately if you go it without paper cuts; we'll send you bigger paper to try again with. Disclosing the contents of this email will show the world what kind of a decayed, pickled dildo you are, Dr. David Robert.

I'm sure that none of you are going to believe this, but....from the 20 some odd recipients of this revision, not one of them responded.

Perhaps they're looking forward to their crotch cricket delivery? I'll let you know if I get any complaints when they don't show up...