Scam Ambassador Transcripts -- Seeing Is "Duh!"ing

I know that my exchanges with "Ambassador Terrence McCulley" -- the US ambassador to Nigeria -- really weren't conducted with the authentic ambassador.

At least, I think I hope not.

But this series of email exchanges is a rather typical case-in-point about what happens when you get a scammer with a Third World or Washington, DC public school education, off of their talking point template.  For instance, I will recap the opening paragraph of the scammer's opening gambit:


My name is Terence Patrick McCulley, the new United States Ambassador to the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The United States Senate had confirmed my nomination on August 5 2010 after being nominated for this position by U.S. President Barack Obama on June 28, 2010. My credentials as the new Ambassador appointed were presented to His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja, Nigeria, on November 2, 2010. I am a career member of the senior Foreign Service with the rank of Minister-Counselor whose diplomatic career has been spent mostly in Africa or working on African issues.


Now, as you follow the exchanges that took place between my character -- Ben Dover -- and "the ambassador", you will note a serious degradation in his grasp of the English language.  Spent too long on social engineering in his DC public skool, I reckon.  As usual, all the "ambassador" emails will be in bold, and "Ben" will respond in italics:

What an honor, Mr. Ambassador!  And I am pleased -- albeit surprised -- to receive this news from you.   Please address the courier package thus:

Mr. Ben Dover

(Bogus Street Address)

Central City, CO 80427

Thank you! 

Respectfully, 

Ben Dover

United States Consulate General Lagos
2 Walter Carrington Crescent
Victoria Island, LagosNigeria.

ATTENTION: Mr. Ben Dover

THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL AND ALSO TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE OUR INSTRUCTION IF YOU WANT YOUR MONEY SENT TO AS STATED IN OUR PREVIOUS MAIL BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN HAVE YOUR AWAITED FUND CLAIM.   

(it goes on to ask for additional information which I provide as follows):



Your Full name:       Ben U. OverYour country and city:     USA  Central City
Your home address:        (Bogus) Street, Central City CO  80427Your private phone number:   303-582-****
Your age:  45sex:   whenever I canoccupation:   professional poultry inseminatorDriver'S License:  yes I have oneState ID:  see previous answerPassport:  091164377Other government-issued photo ID:  N/A


And the email finishes off with instructions on how I wire the required $150 fund to hisself:

Mr Ben .U Over

THANKS FOR YOU EMAIL MR BEN   YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR DELIVERY OF YOUR FUNDS  WHICH IS  $150 AS SOON AS IT IS DON YOU WILL GET YOUR FUNDS YOU ARE TO SEND THE FEES THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?


HERE IS MY DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU TO CALL URGENTLY +234-8122607899.



Funny, but in checking the official US Embassy in Nigeria website, the phone numbers don't match.  Oh well...thought I was actually gonna get to talk to hisself.  Eh.


So, my response:

Your instructions received and understood.  I will visit a Western Union on Monday, April 29, and attend to it.

Ben Dover

From here, the 'ambassador' tends to show flaws in his communication skills:


Thanks mr ben your all the information we you? And why is your phone number not going. I try to call you on phone but going okay you have my number we you so you can call me by monday after send the feel okay . Thanks

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

The number I gave you is my home number, and I am at work.  I will either call or email you when I send the Western Union fee on Monday. 

Ben

It okay I wait to hear from you by monday. Thanks have a good weekend

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

I will be in touch with you by no later than Monday afternoon, without fail. 

Ben

Then comes Sunday afternoon, and I decide to start screwing with him early:

Good news, Ambassador:  I was able to attend to this a day early.  The Western Union fee of $150 has been sent as instructed.  I will look in tomorrow to hear from you when I can expect my delivery.

BTW, for a US ambassador, you sure do type funny.  Guess it's all that work overseas. 

Ben

I wouldn't be 'available' to respond to anything the 'ambassador' sent until Monday afternoon, and boy was he ever chatty:

Mr Ben how are you today thanks for your email. All you need to do is to send me the MTCN number from the western union now. As soon as we pick up the money I will get back to you on how you can get your funds okay. Thanks again am waiting for your email we the MTCN number . Thanks
Terence P. McCulley.

Sent from WESTERN UNION OUTLET

And then came this...

Mr Ben how are you today thanks for your email. All you need to do is to send me the MTCN number from the western union now. As soon as we pick up the money I will get back to you on how you can get your funds okay. Thanks again am waiting for your email we the MTCN number .
 Thanks
Terence P. McCulle

Heh...now he can't spell his own name.  Then comes this:

Mr Ben can you send me the MTCN NUMBER. From the western union . Thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Finally, the 'ambassador' garners a response from Ben:

Dear Mr. Ambassador, 

Yes, I can.  I'll get right on that. 

Ben

That response is not what the 'ambassador' is looking for, since his reply is all caps:

MR BEN  THANKS  FOR YOUR  EMAIL,  I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE MTCN NUMBER? SO IF YOU HAVE SENT THE FEE OF $150. ALL YOU NEED IS TO SEND  US THE MTCN NUMBER .  PLEASE IT TO HURRY.

Yes, I did send you the fee and yes, I will send you the MTCN as soon as I find it. 

Ben

MR BEN HAVE YOU  SEE THE MTCN NUMBER NOW? BUT WHY IS YOUR NUMBER NOT GOING I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU NUMBER ALL THE DAY BUT NOT GOING  IS THIS NOT YOUR NUMBER ....................3035825440? YOU HAVE MY  NUMBER THEM  CALL ME  NOW.

Ambassador:  I am leaving for work now...you can't call me on my phone when I am online, because I use a dial-up connection for internet, and that number is my dial-up connection.  So sorry, but really, don't get your panties in a wad.  When I get home from work I will see what this MTCN thing is and send it to you.

WAITING TO HEAR FROM  YOU SOON. WE THE MTCN NUMBER OKAY

Sorry Mr. Ambassador...have been busy at work.  There are 10 numbers in the MTCN.  Which one do you need?

Mr how are you . Are you back from work now pleas check the MTCN number and email it to me now we have no time on our side again. So am waiting for your email now
Thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Dear Ambassador, I checked the number and there are, indeed, 10 digits that comprise it.  So tell me next what to do.

Ben

I have told you before now that you should send the ten digit number (mtcn control number) or better still scan the copy of the payment slip to me. If you know you can not do this then go ahead and call back your payment.

I knowd I'd piss him off sooner or later.  Now that it's sooner, let's throw some more piss on it:

Dear Ambassador: 

How would I call back my payment? 

(1)  It doesn't have a phone.

(2)  If it does, I don't know its number.

Please explain this.

As for the MTCN, I have it here.

Ben

Them send me the MTCN number now okay

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

I can do that...there's ten of them.  There's a 6...follered by a 9...then anudder 6...a 5...a 4...a 0...a 1..anuddah 1...anudda 7...anna 3 on the end. 

Now, how do I call back my money?  Does it have a call back number?

Ben

SEND IT THIS WAY OKAY
Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?
HERE IS MY DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU TO CALL URGENTLY +234-8122607899.

So you want it to be sended looking like this? 

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?
Okay...I'm sending it that way.

Ben

YES

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY

That's how he want it...that's how he get it:

Good.  Here it is, just as you asked: 

Receivers NAME: .................. OBINNA AUGUAINE OFILI  
ADDRESS:................ LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:................. IN GOD
ANSWER:................... WE TRUST
AMOUNT: ....................$150
MTCN NUMBER
Senders Name: ....................?
Senders Address: ...............?

Thanks for that but no mtcn number again why. Can you go back to the bank and as them for the mtcn number them email it to me okay

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Ambassador:  yes, I could go to a bank and ask them about this.  But I didn't go to a bank; I went to Western Union.  Western Union wired the money for me, not a bank.  And Western Union is in all kinds of places, as I'm sure you know, having been here before going to all those foreign venues.  So, I could go to a bank...but why?  Didn't I just send you exactly what you wanted, in exactly the manner you wanted it?

Ben

This scammer is patient if he's anything; he REALLY wants this $150.  So he responds:



Okay them go back to western union and ask them to show you the mtcn number okay them send it to me now am waiting thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Okay, if you insist I must...but the Western Union I went to won't be open until 8am my time.  It is now 5:23am my time.  What time is it for you, Ambassador?

It is 12.30pm my time,so am waiting for your email them thanks

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY

So I wait two and a half hours, and then we start up again:

Mr. Ambassador, I went to the Western Union from whenst I sent the $150, and I told them what you told me to tell them.  And they were great:  they gave me a copy of the same receipt I already have, so now I have two.  I can mail one to you if you like.

I am at your service.

Ben

send a copy of it.to me now am waiting for the copy


Okay, what's your mailing address?  I'll get it out in the mail today.

Ben

THIS IS MY EMAIL ADDRESS ............ terencemcculley2010@gmail.com   so send me the copy of it now am waiting for that  now

I know your EMAIL address.  If you want me to send you this copy, I need your regular mail address.  I don't have a working scanner to scan it in.

I think I'm wearing him down finally:


I will advice you send it if you are serious about getting your fund.

US AMBASSADOR TERENCE P. McCULLEY.

Ambassador, I don't think I care for the tone of your email voice.  You aren't acting very ambassadory here.  I have followed your instructions in the spirit which they were intended, and now that I got you an extra copy of the receipt, you won't give me your mailing address to send it to you.  You are the one, I remind you, that contacted me with this deal; I had no clue about it before hearing from you.  You're a diplomat; start acting diplomaty and make this work.  You want the receipt copy, GIVE ME YOUR MAILING ADDRESS.

Diplomats are supposed to have great patience and aplomb, rising to difficult occasions with finesse and diplomatic rhetorical flourishes, or so I thought.  Which perhaps proves that this next is NOT from a real ambassador:


you r not serious.  you wast much my times to this.  i with you no more.


And just when I was getting to enjoy his patience at collecting a mere $150.  Oh well:

Ambassador by AMC;

I guess that, by your refusal to provide a mailing address, you really didn't need the western union receipt after all.  Bad ambassador.  Very very bad ambassador.

Of course, it did occur to me that you have never actually been THE ambassador, Terrence P. McCulley; you might have been a Nigerian pretending to BE him, since you'd probably cooked and eaten our US ambassador.  I know things are a bit backward and primitive in parts of Nigeria that way.

Let me advice you a few things, since you obviously don't want to collect the money I sent you via Western Union:  next time you purport to use the seal of the US ambassador to Nigeria, understand that generally speaking, the seal doesn't bark.

Just sayin'.

Since I never heard back from the real ambassador when this nonsense started, perhaps I'm not offbase to assume that my just-concluded Nigerian DID eat the ambassador.

Eww.

A Diplomatic 800th

Nigerian internet cafes where scammers do their thang from.   They probably wrote nobama's hellthscare plan there, too.  But I digress...for a moment.

Yes...this post marks 800 for this blog.  Proving yet again that I have perfected time wasting since June of 2005, roughly thrice-weekly.  But the honor of 800 goes not to me..but to a *US ambassador*.

Yes, I've had emails from all over and all sorts.  But for the first time in my memory, I have received an offer to give me the business from a *US ambassador*.  Our own ambassador to...*drum roll*....Nigeria.

I heard those *yawn*s.  I think I added one.

Granted...I know that the email I received was NOT from the authentic Ambassador Terrence McCulley.  But it was a nice gambit:  the first half of the email introduced hisself to me, and trotted out all of his accomplishments and bona fides.  Straight off his posted information on the embassy website.

*He* then went on to tell me how I was due $500,000 USD from the government of Nigeria, and how I could have my bank draft in 72 hours...AFTER (here came the *TOING*) I wired $150 USD to the "Embassy Protocol Officer".

Uh huh.

My first response was to write directly to the 'real' ambassador and thank him for his looking out for my non-existant Nigerian interests.  That drew a 'robo' response and probably got me on a watch list.

Not that I care; I'm truly boring to watch.

My second response was to respond to the email with my 'Ben Dover' persona, and await the back 'n forth about the $150 to be wired, until they figured out they weren't gonna get it (ongoing).

My third and final response was....you guessed it...an 'edit' of the original scammer email.  It ain't politically correct.  Then again, neither am I.   First, we'll treat you to the 'edited' email that went back to the 'ambassador'.  Then we'll be happy to share the diplomatic 'exchanges' that occurred between hisself, Ambassador Terrence P. McCulley, US ambassador to Nigeria..*wink*..and the irrepressible Ben Dover (next post):

United States Consulate General Lagos
2 Walter Carrington Crescent
Victoria Island, LagosNigeria.

My name, in case you're not clairvoyant, is Terence Patrick McCulley, the new United States Ambassador to the Federal Republic of Nigeria. If you are a clairvoyant, then you needn't read the rest of this crap.  If you're not, then perhaps an introduction and explanation is in order here. 

 

 

The United States Senate -- when they aren't busy passing bills that none of them have or probably can read, let alone understand -- had confirmed my nomination on August 5 2010 after being nominated for this position by the worst potus in history, Barack Obama, on June 28, 2010.

 

 

My credentials as the new Ambassador appointed were presented to His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja, Nigeria, on November 2, 2010.  His pet hyena promptly ate them, but it was of little consequence, since they have a nearby Kinkos wherein -- like Jay Leno used to say in a Doritos commercial -- they'll make more for me.

 

 

I am a career member of a fly-infested internet caf...er...of the senior US Foreign Service with the rank of super-secret Ambassador to the court of St. James Place of Monopoly fame.  I have spent most of my diplomatic career in Africa, trying to get cannibals to quit eating missionaries.  I can't my last crop of missionaries, so I've more work to do.

 

 

I hold a Bachelor of Arts degree in European cave etchings and I can order wine in French, German, Azerbijani and Pig Latin.

But enough of that horn-tooting.  The real reason I'm writing to you is that following the resolution of the meeting held with His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja yesterday with some members of the Federal House of Senate -- here in Nigeria, they found putting the two houses together made for better CSPAN ratings -- an agreement was reached that the sum of $500,000.00 USD must be paid out to you in the form of comfort compensation for all the years you have wasted in waiting for honest media and Democrats to surface in US politics.  You dummy, you should have known better.

 

 

Hence, the $500,000.00 USD compensation fund has been instructed to be paid out to you in the form of a Certified Check drawn on Intercolonoscopy Bank. The said Certified Check will be packaged inside a specially untreated cow anus and shipped inside an odor-proof U.S Embassy Official Envelope to be sent to you via Postal Mail at no cost to your mailing address. And the time frame for delivery is 72 hours, which is 3 weeks since it would be sent via a Postal Mail Service from Nigeria, and they eat as much mail as they send, so if there's any leak in the odor-proof envelope, you won't see our check.

Meanwhile -- and this is the part that I like, 'cuz it's gonna get Mama a new whatever-she-wants so I can get laid -- a "Custom Clearance Certificate", which must be obtained from the Nigerian Customs Authority at a fee of $150.00 USD. Hence, the $150.00 dollar fee must be paid within 24 hours upon your receipt of this notification via western union or MoneyGram, so that I can get laid..The fee should be sent directly to the "Embassy Protocol Officer".  You don't need his name; he knows who he is some of the time, usually when he's not sniffing glue.

Please take note that the "Custom Clearance Certificate" and Certified Check need to be packaged together inside the specially untreated cow anus sealed inside the (supposed to be) odor-proof U.S Embassy Official Envelope for immediate dIspatch to your mailing address.

 

 

Hence, you are advised to comply as requested to enable me to get laid.

Respectfully,
Mr. Terence P. McCulley*
US Ambassador to Nigeria

* not really...I'm really a transvestite from Transvaal named Tugga Booga Boo, and I raise line-dancing crotch crickets for a living...they do lurve them that achy breaky heart sh**...

That didn't draw a response from either the *real* ambassador, or his Nigerian stand-ins.  But in the next post, the *ambassador* -- or his Nigerian stand-ins -- show how hard they're ready to work for their *fees*...