Touched By An Anvil

Which I am supposing that this particular scammer was, indeed, touched by.

When you read the opening two paragraphs of his original email, you'll tend to agree. 

This is how the Rev. Lawrence R. Larson began his email titled  DEAREST IN THE LORD,PLEASE READ AND REPLY QUICKLY:

 Dearest in Lard,
I greet you in name of our Jesus, May Holy Sprint of 40 yards be with your famiy. Please do not be upset with massage, it may not address directly your name but I strongly believe the Holy Sprint will torch you to read it. If you receive it as Junk or spam please move the inbox, it could be internet error or my low knowledge of technologe.  My name is Rev. Lawrence R. Larson from Florida, I am Clerjy Man, I have work 20 years in Assemblers of God Church in Florida, I now 87 Years old and has been hospitaled since October 2017, I was told recent that I may not make it next weeks, I had been under Medical Auspice since then, I had Cancer of the Long and it affect my breathe which I found it very difficult to breathe except with help of Onxygen, I am writing to you now from my sick bred and I want you to take note of following which is going to disclose you. 

While the rest of the email wasn't quite as bad as this, you get the gist of where he was going with it.

Needless to say, I simply HAD to take this one and edit it.  Well...I had to edit the REST of it.  The opening paragraph was too good simply as it was.

Yup...my guardian angel KNOWS me all too well:

Dearest in Lard,
I greet you in name of our Jesus, May Holy Sprint of 40 yards be with your famiy. Please do not be upset with massage, it may not address directly your name but I strongly believe the Holy Sprint will torch you to read it. If you receive it as Junk or spam please move the inbox, it could be internet error or my low knowledge of technologe.  My name is Rev. Lawrence R. Larson from Florida, I am Clerjy Man, I have work 20 years in Assemblers of God Church in Florida, I now 87 Years old and has been hospitaled since October 2017, I was told recent that I may not make it next weeks, I had been under Medical Auspice since then, I had Cancer of the Long and it affect my breathe which I found it very difficult to breathe except with help of Onxygen, I am writing to you now from my sick bred and I want you to take note of following which is going to disclose you.

I have total sum US$1,000,000.00 lifted from collection plates in time of span which was purported to be used for Charity nut, unfortunately, I was hospitaled and the plan to carry out this has been put pending, I am the only one who can author the release of the fund to anyone who stands as my next of Ken.  My wife Dr. Ruth Buzzi Weisenheimer Smith, that's her name too, was diseased a year ago without child.  I had no child -- if you saw wife you know why -- I been catering for sea urchins and manatees for 20 years when I start Clerjy work with the Assemblers of God Church.  Some assemblers required.  Assemblers didn't help the spouse much.

 

My banker would not hesitate to take and use this monkey for the greater gourd once I signed the release in your name. After my prayers this morning for a nurse that look like Taylor Swift's $50 t-shirts, the good Lard revealed this email to me, I was touched by an anvil which I never seed coming or hear'd breathing hard, because I do not know where it come from.  I hear of pennies from Heaven...not anvils.

 

Being a clerjy Man, I can't disobey the word of Dog, I have to quickly unclothe this information to you through the help of my primate nurse Bobo, I may not be able to write to you always due to my condition -- when Bobo is giving me massage I am fly around room like cheap luggage -- but please I need your trust and commitment that you will get me another nurse that isn't primate like Bobo. 

She doesn't have to be Taylor Swift in $50 t-shirt but that won't hurt.  I want you to estabilish home where buffalo roam and deer and antelope play with themselves...if you saw them on Noah's Ark, you not be shocked by that.  Before this will be done, you have to convince me that you will do as I said and your word will be your bond.  James Bond.
 

I need you to fill the information below for my proper documentation to make me a fake ID because I never has one before.

Your full name,

Home address

Date of Birth

Telephone number

Private email address

Next of Kin

Occupation

Marital status

ID/Passport

What do you wear to bed
Can I too

As soon as I received the information above from you -- no anvils, please -- I shall have one of Taylor Swift's $50 t-shirts email you my ID (Drivers License, Passport, and my Clerjyman ID), I will also proceed to rob some collection plates in your name through the US Ninth Short Circuit HIGH COURT, please if you are really touched by this message and it wasn't an anvil, you will be able to execute this.  Granted, it probably deserves to be executed, but I digress.

 

Please don't reply to the email that sent you my message; it is an evil Russian bot alleged to have helped Bullwinkle win the erection from Natasha, and those of us old enough to remember, know how messed up that would be for Sherman and Peabody to go back and try to sort out in their way back machine.
 

Just forward me your personal details on my private email here ( rev.lawrence.clergy@gmail.com ) immediately.
 

I am waiting for your reply to my private email.  Please remember me when they pass out cheese grits.  In case you sneezed, gesundloose.  Tighten it and that won't happen.
 

Your Brother in Crust

Rev. Lawrence R. Larson

 

After sending the good reverend this edited version, I heard nothing further back from him.  Or Bobo.  Or Pastor Gas.  Or any of the wayback machine crowd.

My pet rock, Seymour, would have been thrilled to have heard from Taylor Swift, however.

"RRROWrrrrrrr!"