Saturday, January 27, 2018

Email Scams Are Nine-Tenths the Problem

There is no shortage of scam pastors out there, in and outside Scamland.

I hear from a goodly number therefrom.

Like this one:


Revival Holy Church.
boulevard, 109  BP 543 Ghana
Accra .

Dearest in Christ ,

I am  Pastor Michael and by the Grace of God, Pastor in charge Revival Holy Church  here in Ghana Accra. I know that this letter might come to you as a surprise. Nevertheless, I will like you to treat this matter very important as you can once you receive this message because my contact to you is a divine contact based on God's direction. I am also believing that you will not let down this trust as I am quite sure that you are also a believer of the Gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Late Mrs Elizabeth Dodo  was a full member of our church and was a sincere and devoted Christian too. Due to the trust she had on me as her Pastor, before her sudden death, she revealed to me $9.5.million her late husband Dr.Stephen Dodo deposited in the  bank here which he wanted to used on an Oversea Business Projects before his sudden death as was caused by Car Accident. Her Wife Mrs Elizabeth Dodo revealed this to me in case she did not survive her sickness. She instructed me to make an arrangement with a foreigner who will contact the bank as her late husband Foreign Associate and provide a means of transferring this fund for the future of her only Son . She do not want the money to be invested in this country because of their enemies and also the Condition of our country  and instability here in GHANA  and West Africa as a whole. Though we did everything possible, spiritually and physically for her to survive, but behold, it was her time to meet the Almighty ( May her Soul Rest in Peace Amen).  



You get the ideer.

I didn't waste any time on the edit.

Actually, yes I did:


From: Pastor Michael Mensah< mrsgracelee200@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, December 11, 2017 10:03 AM
Subject: I Wait For Your Blessed Urgent and Holly Holy Berry Reply 


The Royal Horkage of Revival Holy Church Of The Outhouse Monks 'n Mushroom Men
boulevard, 109  BP 543 Ghana
Accra .

Dearest in Coke bottles dropped from He Who Giveth All Return Deposits,

I am  Louie Pastor Michael row the boat ashore, halle berry, and by the Grace of dogma the Pastor in charge of the one, the ONLY, The Royal Horkage of Revival Holy Church Of The Outhouse Monks 'n Mushroom Men here in Ghana Accra. I know that this letter might come to you as a surprise.  Sooprise, sooprise, sooprise!  Nevertheless, I will like you to treat this matter very holly holy as you can once you receive this message because my contact to you is a divine contact based on Pastor Gas and his timely flatulations from the almighty Coke bottle giver from hence all things peculiar are possumbull which is quite a creature in an octopuses garden in a burkah...in July.
 
 
I am also believing that you will not let down this trust even after reading that last sentence six ways from Sunday and not being able to fathom it in enough water to have it go off the sonar.   I am quite sure that you are also a believer of the Gospels of Matthew Mark Luke and Duck, from whenst all of Rock Ridge descended into one of the strangest campfire scenes ever shot.

 Late Mrs Elizabeth Dodo  was a full member of our church and herself came from an extinct and dubious antecedence that enjoyed a miraculous resurgence with the advent of Homer Simpson's catch phrase.  Due to the dirt she had on me as her Pastor -- she obtained photos of me leaving a Motel 6 at 3am with an inflatable Hellary Clinton sex toy and a kazoo in late November 2016 -- and subsequent to her sudden death from having an airplane fall on her ox cart during the filming of Airplane IV, she revealed to me that she also had photos of Al Franken groping a Mona Lisa portrait that was never the same after the event.  Please see pictotorial evidence marked exhibit 1:


So before she could sue the US Senate Democrapic Committee for not paying her off, her late husband Dr. Stephen Dodo -- no relation to Homer Simpson -- deposited all of Hellary's emails that Wikileaks got their mitts on with help from Russian phrenologists working under the covers in Vaduz, Liechtenstein during the 2012 election while taking payoffs from the Clinton Globull Crimedation.   His sudden death was caused by a car accidentally being fallen on by one of Hellary's out of control brooms.  

Mrs Elizabeth Dodo revealed this to me in case she did not survive her stunt role in Airplane IV like Julie Haggerty's career after Airplane.  She instructed me to make an arrangement with a foreign entity of monk mushroom men from a 1970s obscure script to stand in as her late husband's Foreign Associate Eric Cartman and provide a means of explaining all this without 20/20 showing up at their doorstep with Brian Ross making even more exaggerated claims than he already got popped for.  Though we did everything possible, spiritually and physically for her to survive, but behold, it was her time to meet the Almighty because Hellary didn't get elected and someone had to pay.

 Her collection of Beatles 45s that only play backwards and make such poignant lyrical declarations as "devil bunnies, devil bunnies..I snort the banana!" are now under my  care.  You used to be able to get pirated knock offs of this collection from K-Tel and Ronco, but Virgin Records had their cherry popped by Harvey Weinstein and now all you see is Cher with far too much botox and bondo in re-runs.

Please, if this letter touches you in the same way a spiritual monkey was touched by an anvil, and you are willing to guide this monkey to being touched by something far less heavy and metallic, please get back to me immediately so that I will give you more details about therapy options and their associated costs under the Unaffordable Hellthscare Act from 2010 which had a short run on Broadway due to high deductibles.

Canadians simply won't cross the border for that sh*t.

Feel very free to carry on this peculiar email the way some families regift a toxic fruitcake from one generation to the next, until it attacks a virgin sheep herd in Syria during Ramalama-ding-dong.
 

 It is fervently hoped from here that our Virgin Mother Coke bottle from which comes all hard breathing that you will never let me down for directing me to you via Tim Conway and Siamese elephants.




 I am sending this mail to you with a Divine Glory of our Lord Privy Seal who performs for fish three times daily at the Renaissance festival in Larkspur.  Please can contact me after reading this mail with good faith almond crunch.  My primate's email is mrmichaelmensah70@gmail.com but it might not work because my primate is as hard on computers as he is Samsonite luggage.

 Gesundloose, in case you sneezed.  Tighten that and it will stop.

Pastor Michael Mensah  



Amazingly, the good pasture actually responded to this edit:


what is this  


It is the spiritual essence of what you sent me, Rev.  Don't you recognize your own spiritual intent when you see it?  


When put like that, apparently he did.

Amen.



 

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

I've a new website: Comedy Plus

Have a great day. ☺

29 January, 2018 12:45  

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