Did You Lose My Email Scam?

A recent scammer may just be asking the same question that Carroll O'Connor's general was asking his staff in Kelly's Heroes, when he couldn't find his recon aerial photos.

I'm guessing that the scammer -- Abdul Hassan -- never saw the movie.  Or any of the other references that got throwd in to the edit of his email.

Here's how he started it off:


I know that this letter will come to you as surprise, I got your contact address while I search for foreign partner to assist me in  this business transaction that is present in our favor now, My name is Mr. Abdul Hassan, I am the Bill and Exchange (assistant)  Manager (BOA) BANK OF AFRICA. I'm proposing to lift in your name (US$16.5 Million Dollars) that belong to our later customer, MR.  GORPUN VLADIMIR From Saratov Oblast Russia who died in Siber airline that crashed into sea  at Isreal on 4th October 2001.

I want to present you to my bank here as the beneficiary to this fund and I Am waiting for your response for more details, As you are  willing to execute this business appointunity with me.  

After 19 years of this stuff, I'm well beyond being surprised by anything in email, including words like "appointunity".  Kinda sorry that I didn't make that one up myself.

On this occasion, my response opted to suggest to him that his email came to me in the edited version, just to see if he was paying attention:


As I read your letter, I found myself totally lacking in being surprised at all.  Amused is more the word.

(then comes his email, in edited fashion)

From: Abdul Hassan <abdul2000hassan1@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2019 3:20 PM
Subject: Oh Hell No

 

Dear  Friend,

I know that this letter will come to you as soufflé, I got your contact address while I read stall etching in what passes for a rest room in what passes for an African bank in what passes for an African scam template.  What passes for that, you ask?  Allow me to elaborate:  what passes for that is something that contains a phrase like "in my search for foreign partner to assist me in  this business transaction that is present in our favor now".

When you read that, you should recall the words of the zen philosopher Sum Ting Wong, if not those of his grasshopper apprentice, Ho Lee Phuk.  But I digress.

My name is Mr. Abdul Hassan, I am the Genital Exchange (assistant)  Manager in a fly-infested internet cafe branch of the (BOA) BANK OF AFRICA.  I'm proposing to insert your name onto counterfeit documents that suggest that (US$16 Million Dollars) in gold bars in a bank in Claremont, France, behind enemy lines, is there as the perfect crime, just waiting to be picked up.  And all we'll need is a crazy-like-a-fox lieutenant, a loud-mouthed sergeant with a good head for tactics, a malcontent squad with a tag-along sleaze ball quartermaster sergeant who'll pay anyone $50-100 to carry a machine gun for him.  As if this ain't enough for you, there's three tanks from the 321st commanded by Oddball, who is holding hisself in reserve, in case the enemy mounts a major counterattack that threatens Paris, more maybe even New York, when he can move in and stop them.  But for 16 million dollars, he's willing to risk becoming a hero for three days, even if it's some weird sandwich.

 

None of which our later customer, MR.  GORPUN VLADIMIR From Saratov Oblast Russia, knowd before he boarded a plane that was fated to collide with a UFO over Liechtenstein in 2001, causing all the passengers to be whisked away to an alien planet, and forced to appear on an alien version of The View, where five alien sea hags look for reasons to be mad about anything, including who named Uranus that.

 I want to present you with my daughter, and eight rules for why you should run the other way, screaming.  Especially when she talks socialism and her Green New Deal. 

 

 

I Am waiting for your response for more details, if you are as willing to execute this business appointunity with me as Kim Jong Un is to execute his relatives.

 

And yes, Bela Pelosi really does look like that normally.  If you saw that in the mirror, you would be, too.

Yours in Soivice, nyuk nyuk nyuk *BONK*,
Mr.Abdul Hassan

My curiosity was satisfied by no further repartee with ol' Abdul...I guess he wasn't as amused as I was.

 

Them Negative Waves Still Ain't Makin' It

You tell 'em, Oddball.

Negative waves didn't get it done in 1970, and they're no more woof woof in 2018.

But "General" David Rodriguez had to learn that the hard way.  Kinda like Moriarty.

Here was the opening gambit by the 'General':


I’m Gen.David Rodriguez from united state, I serve under the United Nations department of safety and security (UNDSS) in Syria, I came across some money that was parked in a trunk box and the money is worth $10.5million, in one of President Bashar al-Assads allies house and I have moved the money out to a Global Delivery Company as a medical equipment, I`m looking for a trust worthy person that i can trust the above money with him or her for safe keeping pending when my arrival to your country for investment in a profitable business.I will reward you with %25 of the total sum.

If you can help me to receive the trunk box in your country,kindly get back to me through my Email,( gendavidrodrigueez@gmail.com ) and if you are not ready for the assistance please and please do not let this be known to the world, for the security of my work in US Army.

send to me these information's:

NAME IN FULL:...............
ADDRESS:...............
NATIONALITY:...........
AGE:..................
OCCUPATION:................
PHONE......................

Yours sincerely.
Gen.David Rodriguez.  


Sounds convincing, don't he? 

*snort*

Let's see how his reading comprehension is:


I could tell that you're a genital from the united state.  It's all in your military bearing and lingo.  


Asked and answered:


Hi Dear,

My Greetings to you.

I`m deeply indebted for your responds to my message and I wish to see
you in person one good day.  because once you received the Trunk Box
from the delivery company, i will immediately take permission from my
superior, and  come over to you, so that both of us will plan on how
to invest this money in a good business. Attached with this mail are
my pictures also my Id card for your view and record keeping, i will
also want to see yours as well.

Meanwhile,Please fill in your full name on the two spaces and send the
message to the Global Delivery Company for them to commence on the
delivery to your destination without further delay. Also let me know
and send copy of the message to me as soon as you send it to the
company.

Global Delivery Company email address: ( globalfirmw@financier.com )

Best Wishes.
General, David Rodriguez.


.........................................................


Dear Sir,

My name is………………………………from………………………………a friend of. General David
Rodriguez, of US Army in Syria & I am contacting in Respect of His
Trunk Box, which is under the Global Delivery Company Custody. I have
been authorized to receive it here in my country. Please send me the
details on how to receive the trunk box and I will get back to you as
soon as possible.

(A) Full Name:.............
(B) Address:................
(C) Phone Number:......

Treat as urgent.

My regards.  

He even tried to buttress his cred with a photo ID:

And a photo of his with the former doofus in chief:

Not only did it fail in epic proportions, ol' Georgie Patton would have slapped this yutz all the way back to Sicily.


Instead, I decided to channel Oddball, when I edited the email I was supposed to send to the Global Delivery Company:

Dear Sir,

My name is………Kelly………………………from………US Army………………………working for Genital David Rodriguez, of US Army in France and I am leading a ragtag platoon to a bank in

Claremont -- the Genital's staff pronounces it "Clarmon" -- where there's 16 million in

gold just waiting to be picked up. 

 

 

Crapgame is going with us because such a venture needs a sound financial mind along in case there's a bonus.  And a lot of help carrying the .30 caliber machine gun.

 

 

Oddball is going to join us providing armored support since he's been holding himself in reserve, in case the krauts launch an offensive that threatens Paris, or maybe even New York, then he

can move in and stop them.

 

 

 But for $16 million dollars, he and his men can become heroes for three days.  Big Joe lends a good head for tactics, and because they always need a loud mouth sergeant for stuff like this. I have been authorized to receive it here in my country but since it's in a bank behind enema lines, it could be the perfect crime this way. Please send me the details on how to drink wine, eat cheese and catch

some rays, y'know.  Do that and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

(A) Full Name:.............Kelly
(B) Address:................US Army
(C) Phone Number:......once I get to Masseureaux I can call you with dat

 Treat as urgent.

My regards.

Kelly 'n his 'heroes'  

 

 

As unmilitary as the 'Genital' sounded, perhaps my edit of his letter to the delivery company sounded a little bit too much so.

 

At any rate, all the positive waves he might have had about that mother beautiful bridge still being there...went negative when it weren't.  And while the 'Genital' might blame me for that, I naturally refer him to Moriarity, the master of the negative waves.

 

Welcome to 2018.  Woof woof woof.  That's his other dawg imitation.