Did You Lose My Email Scam?

A recent scammer may just be asking the same question that Carroll O'Connor's general was asking his staff in Kelly's Heroes, when he couldn't find his recon aerial photos.

I'm guessing that the scammer -- Abdul Hassan -- never saw the movie.  Or any of the other references that got throwd in to the edit of his email.

Here's how he started it off:


I know that this letter will come to you as surprise, I got your contact address while I search for foreign partner to assist me in  this business transaction that is present in our favor now, My name is Mr. Abdul Hassan, I am the Bill and Exchange (assistant)  Manager (BOA) BANK OF AFRICA. I'm proposing to lift in your name (US$16.5 Million Dollars) that belong to our later customer, MR.  GORPUN VLADIMIR From Saratov Oblast Russia who died in Siber airline that crashed into sea  at Isreal on 4th October 2001.

I want to present you to my bank here as the beneficiary to this fund and I Am waiting for your response for more details, As you are  willing to execute this business appointunity with me.  

After 19 years of this stuff, I'm well beyond being surprised by anything in email, including words like "appointunity".  Kinda sorry that I didn't make that one up myself.

On this occasion, my response opted to suggest to him that his email came to me in the edited version, just to see if he was paying attention:


As I read your letter, I found myself totally lacking in being surprised at all.  Amused is more the word.

(then comes his email, in edited fashion)

From: Abdul Hassan <abdul2000hassan1@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2019 3:20 PM
Subject: Oh Hell No

 

Dear  Friend,

I know that this letter will come to you as soufflé, I got your contact address while I read stall etching in what passes for a rest room in what passes for an African bank in what passes for an African scam template.  What passes for that, you ask?  Allow me to elaborate:  what passes for that is something that contains a phrase like "in my search for foreign partner to assist me in  this business transaction that is present in our favor now".

When you read that, you should recall the words of the zen philosopher Sum Ting Wong, if not those of his grasshopper apprentice, Ho Lee Phuk.  But I digress.

My name is Mr. Abdul Hassan, I am the Genital Exchange (assistant)  Manager in a fly-infested internet cafe branch of the (BOA) BANK OF AFRICA.  I'm proposing to insert your name onto counterfeit documents that suggest that (US$16 Million Dollars) in gold bars in a bank in Claremont, France, behind enemy lines, is there as the perfect crime, just waiting to be picked up.  And all we'll need is a crazy-like-a-fox lieutenant, a loud-mouthed sergeant with a good head for tactics, a malcontent squad with a tag-along sleaze ball quartermaster sergeant who'll pay anyone $50-100 to carry a machine gun for him.  As if this ain't enough for you, there's three tanks from the 321st commanded by Oddball, who is holding hisself in reserve, in case the enemy mounts a major counterattack that threatens Paris, more maybe even New York, when he can move in and stop them.  But for 16 million dollars, he's willing to risk becoming a hero for three days, even if it's some weird sandwich.

 

None of which our later customer, MR.  GORPUN VLADIMIR From Saratov Oblast Russia, knowd before he boarded a plane that was fated to collide with a UFO over Liechtenstein in 2001, causing all the passengers to be whisked away to an alien planet, and forced to appear on an alien version of The View, where five alien sea hags look for reasons to be mad about anything, including who named Uranus that.

 I want to present you with my daughter, and eight rules for why you should run the other way, screaming.  Especially when she talks socialism and her Green New Deal. 

 

 

I Am waiting for your response for more details, if you are as willing to execute this business appointunity with me as Kim Jong Un is to execute his relatives.

 

And yes, Bela Pelosi really does look like that normally.  If you saw that in the mirror, you would be, too.

Yours in Soivice, nyuk nyuk nyuk *BONK*,
Mr.Abdul Hassan

My curiosity was satisfied by no further repartee with ol' Abdul...I guess he wasn't as amused as I was.

 

A Day Late, But

"Let's get rea-deee to RUMMMBLLLLLE!"

Just imagine that in chipmunk-ese.

It actually arrived a few days ahead of April 1, but I didn't get to it until a day after.  My bad.  I know the scammer(s) prolly thought so.

Especially with what I dun to their song, Ma.

It was meant to look like an awwwthentic email from Bank of America.  Even had the BOA logo.  Catchy.

And it informed me that there'd been some sooo-spicious activity on my BOA online account, and that I needed to click on a link they had to verify my account info had not been compromised.

Most thoughtful.

'Cept I ain't got no BOA online account.  Never had me wun.

Not that it stopped me from clicking on the link and sending back a whole lot of rather derogatory gibberish I represented as my online log in info.  I'm sure it worked real goooood for them fellers.

For for those of youse what knows me, that simply wasn't enough, y'see.

So I follered it up with the following edit:


Subject: Blank Of America Online Violates Gerbils

Devalued Customer,

We are currently engaged in violating gerbils, and thus we wish to know from our customer database who amongst you has gerbils. 

Not that we are restricted solely to violating gerbils; we'll do guinea pigs, hamsters, rats, mice, platypus...anything small, furry and with a hole to poke.  Hell, stuffed animals are fine.  We are insatiable in this endeavor, let us assure you.

If you can help us out, we'll have a special gift for you:  a video of us doing a gerbil named Desiree.

Well, we were going to have a video...but YouTube pulled it, saying that it was offending a hamster named Desiree.

 

We foresee a cage match to settle this on WWE:  Desiree vs Desiree...rodent cage match to determine who we do the video of!

NOTE: Failure to respond to us with an offer for us to violate your small furry pet within 24HRS of receiving this notice will lead to something very gnarly in your breakfast.  Add to that, we'll pout and throw a helluva tantrum.  Oh yeah, we can do that.

*DISCLAIMER:  the asshat we have on payroll who calls hisself an atturkey, he sez we have to put this in.  We're not the REAL Bank of America, though with some of the stuff that goes on, we sometimes cannot be told apart, eh?  Anyway, anything said herein that in any way comparably represents itself to be akin to Bank of America, is purely the fault of democrats and Paul Krugman, both of whom are trying to out-moron one another.  Any special offers that the real BOA has that are remotely like this one, just shows they're listening in on our marketing meetings.  Jackwagons.  Your results may vary from ours, 'cuz you ain't us.  If you were, you'd be just as reprehensible.  The FTC and SEC have not evaluated the contents of this email; they're still busy looking for nobama's economic 'recovery' that's obviously hiding in piers moron's twisted liberal fantasies about him, Rachel Madcow, and an inflatable facsimile of Nancy Bela Pelosi.  Oh yes...and the bloated marxist piece of crap Hugo Chavez is still dead.  Danny Glover is having to make due with an inflatable replica, though he and Sean Penn are fighting over who gets to blow it...up.

So far, no comments from BOA, PETA, PMSNBC, CNN, the Nevada Boxing Commission, WWE or any other accredited/made up acronym. 

But I'm okay if they're a day or two later than I wuz...