Now I've gone and done it.
Andrew Green is REALLY not gonna talk to me no mores.
REALLY. This time he REALLY means it.
Really really he does.
*Yawn*...yawp.
So after he wasn't talking to me any more, I continued to rain edited scam emails into his box. And finally he fired back:
you must be psyco. get help and leave me alone!
I didn't; I kept it up. From both the email address he'd originally tried to scam me at, and one I have dedicated to my scambaiting character, Ben Dover.
Ben, he seems to want no truck with; but the other one seems to get under his skin.
After another series of edits -- edits that featured Andrew Green's problems with penile psoriasis, among other things -- Andrew struck back again:
u are a littel boy newly to internet. u r play in mans world. get out you littel boy and stop all your rubish now. i am made man and you are sily boy. stop now.
That "made" for more email edits, all dedicated to one suffering soul: Andrew Green.
A week later, Andrew Green decides to let me know how 'littel' I am, against his accomplished self:
Good new, i just paid form one clent this morning from turkey, Istanbul, Am off to clear my $4600,through western Union . listen you mad man. work , yur mate r hustle collecting money online. u r just playing internet games. u bettr work hard and stop all the u stupid writ up. The fact is i don't read them cos they r to long. i dont waste my time on yur meanless scriptures. please stop sending all this to my box again. am tired of seeing yur rubish.. You need a Re-phenol Tablet and a codeine syrup so that yur head will be calm down because u are a MAD BOY, not even a man, u r small boy.
Mark my word, i promise never to reply u again
Guess he told me, huh?
And he's right: I give my inner boy a lot of latitude when it comes to editing email scams. My inner boy sometimes makes me blush.
Well, maybe a little.
So, I turned my small boy loose, and resumed peppering Andrew Green's box, starting with an edit of his email above; I thought my inner boy dun rather good with this one:
Subject: I need a Head...
Bad news!! My doctor gave me a proctology exam and said that my head is up my ass! But -- see what he just did there? -- Good news! He says I can get a new head to put on my shoulders! He says that there is a donor in Turkey who has a spare head he isn't using -- he might have obtained it in Bali -- and for only $4600, I can have it!!!
I am so happy. Here I thought to myself, "Andrew Green, you put your only working head up your ass, since army ants ate your dick off...now what do I do?", and my proctologist has the answer to my problems!!!
I hope you all have good proctologists, but that's not why I'm writing.
I am writing to you because I need $4600. I only have $10 in West African francs, and someone used them as toilet paper. Damned West Africans! Anyway....can you help me? If I collect $4600, I can get that new head the dude in Istanbul has for me. He promises that it's a one-owner, well-maintained head. It even has working parts, whatever that means.
Please if you can help me get a working head for my shoulders -- because the one of my ass is stuck on accounta my ears -- please contact me at andrewgreen1759@yahoo.co.uk for information on how you can send me money to help me raise the $4600 necessary to buy me that one-owner head from someone in Bali.
Mark my word, i promise never to reply u again if you help me now.
Sincere about my head up my ass,
Andrew Green
trying hard to be a made man, one body part at a time
And if that wasn't enough...and it wasn't, I assure you...I then edited the next email -- allegedly from another Andrew, this one Andrew Mycroft, running a typical business scam -- to stick with both Andrew Green, and the theme of the edit above:
I am doubting that this letter will come as any surprise to you, but I find that I must
write to you on behalf of my client, Andrew Green. I am Dr. Andrew Mycroft, MD, and I
have been, for a number of years -- too many, in fact -- Andrew Green's proctologist.
You see, I understand that recently, Andrew Green undertook to send out an email
plea to peoples around the world for $4600, so that he can buy a head to replace the
one that he has firmly inserted up his ass, and has had thus for years, despite my best
ministrations to relieve this self-inflicted and, I must say, rather childish, stupid
malady. I cannot understand why Andrew Green insists on this arrangement. Must
like the smell or something.
At any rate, when I spoke with Andrew Green about why he can no longer remove his
head from his ass -- it's due to the suction of his plunger-like lips, coupled with the fact
that his ears have spread out and are now acting like wing nut anchors, to hold his
head in place. You should see an x-ray of when he sneezes like that....the last AMA
meeting was quite unable to continue with serious business of the rest of that day.
Never saw 1200 medical professionals laugh so hard in all their life. But, of course, I
digress.
What it comes down to is this: the head that Andrew believes I told him was available
to him via a donor in Istanbul, Turkey, the "one owner" head the donor picked up in
Bali....it's shrunken. Yes, you read that correctly: it's shrunken. Bali is famous for
natives who are gifted in the science of shrinking heads. And THAT is what Andrew
Green is unknowingly trying to buy.
Lord knows I've tried to clear it up for him. But when the head with what little of his
atrophied brain is left, is jammed irretrievably up his ass, you learn that your patient is
just not receptive to coherent, cognizant reality. Only digestive functions, their waste
by-product, and methane.
Yes, that's EXACTLY what I mean: Andrew Green is a methane sniffing addict. And
he can't help it, what with his head irremovably jammed up his ass. It doesn't help
matters that army ants ate off his dick when he was stupid enough to try to sodomize
a carcass the ants were disseminating for their colony. Army ants don't like to share
and can make that absolutely clear. As they did to dickless Andrew.
Anyway, I am asking you all to not send money to Andrew Green; rather write to him
and explain to him that a shrunken head from Bali is (a) not functional any more, (b)
isn't worth $4600, and (c) will look absolutely ridiculous on his shoulders. Particularly
with how the rest of him is shaped. Write to him now at
andrewgreen1759@yahoo.co.uk and save him the mortification of spending $4600,
only to find he bought something about the size of the winkee the ants chewed off.
I thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Dr. Andrew Mycroft, Proctologist to one seriously f**ked up mugu, Andrew Green
I'm sure Andrew Mycroft was a bit perplexed by the turn his email took, if he bothered to read it. But I wasn't done, as I threw in one more: allegedly from a Captain Mandy Clark, in Kabul, Afghanistan, who wanted to let me in on some foreign loot stash scam that's been going around, and kept it somewhat along the same theme:
Subject: Andrew "Mugu" Green
Whiskey Union!
..to you low-information voters out there, that's Wazz Up?
At ease! I am Captain Mandy "Manimal" Clark, a bad ass dyke serving with the Multinational forces in Detroit, Michigan, where it's a hot time every time the Red Wings, Pistons or Tigers play. Not so much with the Lions...they suck.
Okay, can the laughter...I didn't give you jackwagoned douchenozzles permission to LAUGH! Attennnnn-HUH! There, you plunger lipped mugu morons, that's better!
Now follow me on this, jackwagons, because this is friggin' Roger Fallopian Idaho....that's Really F**king Important to you low informationers.....there's this military base, see, called Tarin Kot, located in this country called Afghanistan. And this has NOTHING to do widdit! BUT...there's this medical unit called the MASH 4077, see, that's located in Baghdad,Iraq, but they THINK they're in Korea, see? And THAT has nothing to do with what I gotz ta tell ya here, neither!
Patience, Plunger Lips, I'm getting there!
I am now in Detroit on New Black Panther watch -- them idiots will burn down anything to celebrate a sports team victory, other than for the Lions, who suck -- but I am soon to be deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan, to investigate the story that Andrew Green (email: andrewgreen1759@yahoo.co.uk) has his cranial head up his ass, his crotch head eaten off by army ants, and he needs $4600 to buy a replacement head from a donor in Istanbul, Turkey, who is really baiting Andrew with counterfeit Western Union receipts!!! See how MUGU STUPID Andrew Green is???
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you all -- actually, ORDER YOU ALL -- not to send Andrew Green one scheckel of money. He's the BRAVO SIERRA FOXTROT MIKE (Biggest Stupid F**king Mugu) to ever not be aborted!!!
Completely unrelated, I have a proposal for you. I want to hump your leg. Please contact me urgently without delay .I'm standing by for your urgent response I will await your thoughts via my email : mandyclark03@live.com
Thanks for your time,
Best Regards,
Mandy "Manimal" Clark
So far, this latest rain of emails hasn't move Andrew Green to violate his 'non-response' policy. But let's say...just say...that mebbe that $4600 Western Union ol' Greenie is trying to cash...let's just say that mebbe...it's from a fellow scambaiter....not that I know it to be true...mebbe...
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