Scam Wars Meets Colostomy

I'm sure many of you have heard by now that Hollyweird is looking into a seventh installment of Star Wars, and that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and (Who But Yoda Can Lift) Carrie Fisher are thinking of signing on.

Eh...if Stallone can prop up Rocky and Rambo with formaldehyde, bondo and loads of make up, why not?

Long as they leave Juju Binks out of the script.

Anyway, I got a scamtest email for something I'd never heard of before, but felt it had to have some use as a future blog post.  It went like this:


Ticket number : (GUI45856CS89)
Ballot number :(BN:6220914657/HBZ-T)

You emerged lucky winner in this year's Arthur Guinness new year draws held
here in the United Kingdom.

Kindly confirm that this email is valid by sending the above ticket and ballot
numbers
to Mr. Andrew Green (

) or call him on +447042064427
for verification and further winning details.If you do not send your
confirmation email to Mr.Green, your winning will not be processed

Congratulation"s

Frank O'Brine
Secretary
Arthur Guinness Foundation.1759　

　
And what, you might ask, could one such as I, do with such an offer? Well...when I saw ‘Guinness’, I added two and two, multiplied by 12, subtracted 11, and came up with an egg roll. Which defies mathematical probabilities, save for the fact that here, there are no probabilities only do or not do, there is no try.


Anyway, I had a *TOING* that had a forceful resonance, and remembering the recent entertainment news, well.....Mwhahaha: I turned to recent headlines from Hollyweird, that’s what:


　
Alec Guinness Foundation
F**k yeah!!! We have exciting news!!!


First there was Han Solo. Then Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. They've all agreed to take one foot out of the grave to come back and reprise their roles in Star Wars VII: Return Of The Depends Jedi

Now we have MORE exciting news: You emerged lucky winner in this year's "Who Gets To Dig Up Alec Guiness and Yoda to Ask Them To Return For Star Wars VII" draws held here in the United Kingdom.


Yes, we in the UK are some sick, perverse buggers. But we have whacking great fun at it, haggis and kidney pudding aside!   Kindly confirm that this email is valid by replying to this bloody rubbish to Mr. Andrew Green (andrewgreen1759@yahoo.co.uk
) or call him on +447042064427for to tell him what a f**king ghoulish wanker he is for this revolting contest. Personally, some of us feel that Yoda should be left to rest in peace in Muppet Heaven. A green grumpy curmudgeon of a wielder of the Force is not to be trifled with. Your living room furniture might start flying about the room and kicking your sorry ass.

As for Ol' Ben...well, you could use Clint Eastwood..."Go ahead Dark Side...make me day!"...


Well anyway...you won something from the dubious antecedent that sent you this sh*t. Write or call him back and tell him the rest of it. If you do not send your confirmation email to Mr.Green, he won't know what you think of his sorry, fat ass.
Frank O'Brineshrimp
Secretary
Alec Guiness Foundation For The Lightsabering Of Dumbasses

 

It doesn't come as any great surprise that this edit didn't elicit a response from Mr. Green or any of the other recipients.  HOWEVER...I added Mr. Green to a couple-three subsequent mailing lists for receiving subsequent edits of other choice scam emails.  It took about four -- the last one being particularly graphic -- and that finally drew a heated response from Mr. Green (you can tell a heated email response 'cuz it's all in caps:



Subject: STOP ALL THIS YOUR RUBBISH..

IT'S NOT FUNNY, MY FRIEND, IF YOU CAN NOT PROCEED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE, STOP SENDING US MEANING LESS MESSAGE AND ALL THIS YOUR RUBBISH, U SEEMS TO BE A JUNK....

Now, I'm not terribly worldly -- for instance, I have no idea what side of the plate chop sticks go on at a formal chinese restaurant -- but I know what a junk is:  (a) stuff in the garage (b) a Chinese sail boat and/or (c) what TSA likes to fondle at the airport.  But instead of respond directly to Mr. Green, and perhaps embarrass him with what I do actually know...I decided to embarrass him as the subject of yet another scam email edit:

Subject: Andrew Green Colostomy Project 

Hello  Friend,

Thank you for your very positive, supportive response. Normally for the purpose of security,

I would have detailed my proposal carefully outlined in an attached PDF file.  But I don't have time for that sh*t, so here it is.

My friend, Andrew Green (email  <andrewgreen1759@yahoo.co.uk>) has, sadly, spent much of his miscreant life with his head firmly up his ass.  So much so, the shape of his colon and anus is now seriously misaligned.  He leaks feces everywhere.

He's embarrassing to be seen in public with.

But since you have shown an interest in stepping up to help, I am seeking primate donations to help Andrew by getting him reconstructive ass surgery; ahead of that -- see what I just did there? -- he will undergo intensive 'head up ass abatement therapy', so that the reconstructive ass surgery will stop this very aberrent, sh*t spewing behavior of his.

You can see how vital your positive response is to this project.

So...if you will undertake to contact and solicit each and every primate you know for funds to achieve this dual purpose, I feel that I am in a position to save a dumbass cretin like Andrew Green from himself and his weird, perverse habits.

After we whip this one, I need to work on his love of sodomizing brillo pads.  One major crisis at a time.

Please send me a reply so that I may forward you how to wire primate donations for Andrew's anal salvation.  And copy him on each one, so he knows how much the internet world knows about his problem and is rallying to his cause.

Or you can just bait the pervert if you want.

Sincerely....well sorta,

Regards

Lei Wang  leiwang203@qq.com

Mr. Green took part of a day before he got around to responding.  Perhaps it was the dozen or so emails I poured into his box after insisting I stop with my 'junk'.  At any rate, he responded thus:


STOP THIS CRAMP!


"Cramp"?

Yeah, I know:  shoulda just let it go.  No one is beyond a typo here and there. 

But that ain't me.  So...not being a doctor or playing one behind the woodpile, I nonetheless tried to be helpful:  "Is your cramp anal, abdominal, or cranial? The first two have over the counter meds available; the last one requires you to stop being a moron to achieve relief".

He won't talk to me now...