From Scam Wars To Just Pissed
Andrew Green is REALLY not gonna talk to me no mores.
REALLY. This time he REALLY means it.
Really really he does.
So after he wasn't talking to me any more, I continued to rain edited scam emails into his box. And finally he fired back:
you must be psyco. get help and leave me alone!
I didn't; I kept it up. From both the email address he'd originally tried to scam me at, and one I have dedicated to my scambaiting character, Ben Dover.
Ben, he seems to want no truck with; but the other one seems to get under his skin.
After another series of edits -- edits that featured Andrew Green's problems with penile psoriasis, among other things -- Andrew struck back again:
u are a littel boy newly to internet. u r play in mans world. get out you littel boy and stop all your rubish now. i am made man and you are sily boy. stop now.
That "made" for more email edits, all dedicated to one suffering soul: Andrew Green.
A week later, Andrew Green decides to let me know how 'littel' I am, against his accomplished self:
Good new, i just paid form one clent this morning from turkey, Istanbul, Am off to clear my $4600,through western Union . listen you mad man. work , yur mate r hustle collecting money online. u r just playing internet games. u bettr work hard and stop all the u stupid writ up. The fact is i don't read them cos they r to long. i dont waste my time on yur meanless scriptures. please stop sending all this to my box again. am tired of seeing yur rubish.. You need a Re-phenol Tablet and a codeine syrup so that yur head will be calm down because u are a MAD BOY, not even a man, u r small boy.
Mark my word, i promise never to reply u again
Guess he told me, huh?
And he's right: I give my inner boy a lot of latitude when it comes to editing email scams. My inner boy sometimes makes me blush.
Well, maybe a little.
So, I turned my small boy loose, and resumed peppering Andrew Green's box, starting with an edit of his email above; I thought my inner boy dun rather good with this one:
Subject: I need a Head...
And if that wasn't enough...and it wasn't, I assure you...I then edited the next email -- allegedly from another Andrew, this one Andrew Mycroft, running a typical business scam -- to stick with both Andrew Green, and the theme of the edit above:
write to you on behalf of my client, Andrew Green. I am Dr. Andrew Mycroft, MD, and I
have been, for a number of years -- too many, in fact -- Andrew Green's proctologist.
You see, I understand that recently, Andrew Green undertook to send out an email
plea to peoples around the world for $4600, so that he can buy a head to replace the
one that he has firmly inserted up his ass, and has had thus for years, despite my best
ministrations to relieve this self-inflicted and, I must say, rather childish, stupid
malady. I cannot understand why Andrew Green insists on this arrangement. Must
like the smell or something.
At any rate, when I spoke with Andrew Green about why he can no longer remove his
head from his ass -- it's due to the suction of his plunger-like lips, coupled with the fact
that his ears have spread out and are now acting like wing nut anchors, to hold his
head in place. You should see an x-ray of when he sneezes like that....the last AMA
meeting was quite unable to continue with serious business of the rest of that day.
Never saw 1200 medical professionals laugh so hard in all their life. But, of course, I
What it comes down to is this: the head that Andrew believes I told him was available
to him via a donor in Istanbul, Turkey, the "one owner" head the donor picked up in
Bali....it's shrunken. Yes, you read that correctly: it's shrunken. Bali is famous for
natives who are gifted in the science of shrinking heads. And THAT is what Andrew
Green is unknowingly trying to buy.
Lord knows I've tried to clear it up for him. But when the head with what little of his
atrophied brain is left, is jammed irretrievably up his ass, you learn that your patient is
just not receptive to coherent, cognizant reality. Only digestive functions, their waste
by-product, and methane.
Yes, that's EXACTLY what I mean: Andrew Green is a methane sniffing addict. And
he can't help it, what with his head irremovably jammed up his ass. It doesn't help
matters that army ants ate off his dick when he was stupid enough to try to sodomize
a carcass the ants were disseminating for their colony. Army ants don't like to share
and can make that absolutely clear. As they did to dickless Andrew.
Anyway, I am asking you all to not send money to Andrew Green; rather write to him
and explain to him that a shrunken head from Bali is (a) not functional any more, (b)
isn't worth $4600, and (c) will look absolutely ridiculous on his shoulders. Particularly
with how the rest of him is shaped. Write to him now at
email@example.com and save him the mortification of spending $4600,
only to find he bought something about the size of the winkee the ants chewed off.
I thank you for your time.
Dr. Andrew Mycroft, Proctologist to one seriously f**ked up mugu, Andrew Green
I'm sure Andrew Mycroft was a bit perplexed by the turn his email took, if he bothered to read it. But I wasn't done, as I threw in one more: allegedly from a Captain Mandy Clark, in Kabul, Afghanistan, who wanted to let me in on some foreign loot stash scam that's been going around, and kept it somewhat along the same theme:
Subject: Andrew "Mugu" Green
At ease! I am Captain Mandy "Manimal" Clark, a bad ass dyke serving with the Multinational forces in Detroit, Michigan, where it's a hot time every time the Red Wings, Pistons or Tigers play. Not so much with the Lions...they suck.
Thanks for your time,
Mandy "Manimal" Clark