Dear Skunky XVIII -- Goin' Green

Things change.

Many of you never thought you'd hear me say something like this, but...for once, I found a reason to believe AlGore.

Yep. Dear Skunky is going green.

For this episode, anyway.

Dear Skunky has to be the luckiest odiferous critter on the face of the Oith. I won again. Another foreign lotto. Granted, if you read the winning certificate here, you'll see it's awarded by MSN Window Live Awards. However, it's being awarded to me from the United Kingdom. Eh...details, details. Anyway, to argue for it's authenticity, it's being awarded to me by a man of the cloth (pictured above): Rev. Mr. Phillipe Dalakis.

Cut from the same cloth as Rev. Jeremiah Wright I suspect, but I digress.

So here I sit, with yet another 650,000 in British pound sterling, whatever that works out to in 'Merican money. I tell you, this is getting embarrassing: pretty soon, I'm going to be accused of being a greedy, mean-spirited conservative, and the bastards will finally be sorta right. On scam paper, anyway.

But that's not what made me go green.

So I write back to Rev. Phillipe Dalakis (phillipedalakis9@live.com), thanking him for the unexpected largess (I don't do squat with MSN.com, but that doesn't matter in Scamland), and inquiring how I go about getting what's coming to me.

The good Rev writes back, sending me two attachments (above is one of them), and informing me -- in very eloquent English, for a change, which makes for much easier, if boring, reading -- that I'll shortly be contacted by a "diplomatic courier service" that will require a copy of the two documents he send me, plus my international passport.

Nooooo problemo.

Hang in there, you envirowhackos; my going green is coming up.

A couple days later, I get an email from Mr. Richard Wilson, Dispatch Officer, for SPEED DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE LTD, 18 Friarsgate 1681 Stratford Road Solihull 890 4AG London UK email speeddiplomaticcourier@googlemail.com Tel 44-7024083761. Therein, I am instructed with regards to the instruction given me by the Assistant Coordinator of the Msn and Windows live awards, regarding the claim of my winning prize of GBP 650,000, I hereby furnish you with my complete winning details for onward delivery of my prize/Claim documents.

Then I have to fill out my name, address, DOB, occupation, and telephone numbers (y'all have seen U. R. Phulovit's info enough times that a recap isn't needed here). And, of course, I am to forward to Mr. Wilson my passport, and copies of the two documents Rev Phillipe so carefully crafted for me (out of used toilet paper).

Being the kind of guy I am, and will soon be accused of being anyway, I do as bade.

Two days later, Mr. Wilson of the courier service is back to me with the great news that my winnings have been verified (of course), and that they are ready to ship to me. Now I have to decide how I want them shipped to me, and Mr. Wilson details out the options and related costs to use those options:

Express Class (24 hour delivery): cost of GBP 835.00

Regular Class (48 hour delivery): cost of GBP 650.00

Economy Class (96 hour delivery): cost of GBP 508.00

I have 24 hours to make my selection and notify the courier service of my choice, along with sending the selected fees via Western Union; and so that there be no misunderstanding, have it in mind that our delivery charges can not be deducted from your won prize.

Regardless of which selection I make, the shipment will be airfreighted to an international airport near you, and road transported thereafter to point of delivery.

*TOING*

So there you have it: I "win" money that should go to the downtrodden and les miserables; worse, I fuel "global warming" by the manner of delivery to me of my undeserved largess.

If ever there was a time to feign guilt like progressives demand I should feel, it's now. So I took a page out of Rev AlGore's Book of Climate Hokum (Random Nonsense House Publishers), and offered the courier service a more environmentally-friendly option of delivery:

Dear Speed Diplomatic Courier Company, Mr. Wilson representing,

I notice that all of the aforementioned delivery options have one commonality, and not a good one at that, according to the UN, Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio: they are BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

Having been well-indoctrinated by Rev AlGore of the Perpetually Phulovit Church of the EnvironMentals, I have taken an oath of living green, in not only words, but in deeds. With that clearly stated, I am going to ask you to make delivery to me as follows:

1. Plot as accurately as possible, the GPS coordinates between your location and my location.

2. Calculate upper level winds, gravitational pull, barometric pressure, and azimuth, down to the nearest possible isobar.

3. Load up my payment in a biodegradeable delivery cartridge.

4. Load that biodegradeable delivery cartridge on a giant pneumatic slingshot, aiming it using the aforementioned coordinates so meticulously plotted.

5. Advise me, the Audubon Society, NATO, NASA, and the Russians, when you're going to launch it (I don't want any migratory bird flocks decimated, or NATO/NASA to shoot it down, nor the Russians to think it's an attack on their still-withdrawing troops from Georgia).

6. Launch it after all necessary parties have been advised; I'll have a reinforced net out to catch it.

7. Cost: I believe the biodegradeable delivery cartridge costs GBP 29.95; the saving of the environment and avoidance of accidental migratory bird decimation or nuclear war, is priceless. Everybody wins.

Don't worry: I have used this environmentally-friendly delivery system before, to receive crustacean samples from Gibraltar, Naples and Lisbon. It works quite well, except for one overshot that wound up requiring three months' repair to the Vaduz Theatre of Crustacean Dance. You could say they overlobstered it *ducking boos and throwd cocktail sauce*.

Thanks for your environmental understanding and cooperation.

U. R. Phulovit

I must say, anyone with some semblance of working grey matter that read that, would let it go (the scam, not the cartridge). But someone on the udder end of this one had at least some level of reading (in)comprehension:

Mr. Phulovit, I have read all that you say is well understood of the contents. We cannot do as you ask that sounds strange to us. You must option for one of the three choices we offered you. Please to get back to us soonest within 24 hours.

LMAO....they read all I said and well understood the contents, eh? Oh YEAH? Well, let's try this:

Mr. Wilson,

I must beg to differ, and as one who knows of what he speaks. I have used this environmentally-friendly delivery system in my business here in Vaduz, and with one minor exception, it has worked most efficiently, with zero carbon footprint to the environment. I have had samples sent to me via this method from Naples, Lisbon, and Gibraltar. The only exception was a slight GPS miscalculation on the shipper's part, and the delivery overshot a tad, requiring six months' worth of repair to the Vaduz Animated Crustacean Theatre and Ballet building in downtown Vaduz.

If you care about the environment and want to avoid running afoul of Al Gore, you will use my system of delivery, and without delay. Global Climate Change is in your hands!

That reply, as one will see, doesn't quite clear the cobwebs for Mr. Wilson, but it starts to:

Mr. Phulovit...we have read carefully your reply and understand all that you have said. Are you trying to be funny with us? Clarify at once, we are a serious business here and you must decide now the option you choose from those and only those we give.

I don't think it'll take much more to open some eyes, but what the horsefeathers:

Mr. Speedy Wilson:

WTF? Can't you think and reason outside the box? The delivery option I have given you is tried and true; it works. So don't blame the system if you're no good. And what is up with these negative waves? Oh man, don 't hit me with those negative waves so early in the morning. Think my option will work, and it will work. It's a mother BEAUTIFUL option, and it's going to work. Don't you care about polar bears, antarctic penguin dung beetles, or are you one who WANTS to extend beach front property a hundred miles inland?

It's my way or the highway, bub. Get that GPS programmed and load the cartridge in the launcher NOW. Time's a wastin'. And don't forget to notify me, NATO, NASA, and the Russkies, so's to avoid a little pre-renewal of the post-Cold War by sending something up that posts a quick orbital profile that freaks people out. You'll not help cut down global warming by creating a weather forecast of wide-spread "cloudy and 12,000 degrees", dude.

As I suspected, that one did it:

Mr. Richard Wilson, Dispatch Officer, SPEED DIPLOMATIC COURIER COMPANY

MR. PHULOVIT, WHAT THE F*** IS THIS SH**? IF YOU WANT TO BE FUNNY, DO IT ON SOMEONE ELSES TIME!!! YOU ARE IDIOT!!!

Sadly, I had to agree with Mr. Wilson:

Mr. Wilson and Speed Folks,

You're right, of course: AlGore doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground about global warming. It was silly of me to waste time and effort to go green on a fraudulent premise. But there is still a method of delivery that will be more environmentally friendly than the one you originally recommended, so this effort to be funny isn't a total waste just yet: take the delivery, and shove it up your a** sideways. Better for all involved, and better for the environment, other than within your immediate proximity. Issue ear plugs to your staff; you're gonna be LOUD and OBNOXIOUS during the insertion phase.

The silence that followed suggests that I'm not going to get my GBP 650,000. And I heard all those *sighs* of disappointment that I'm not really going green.

PUH-LEASE....I'm allegedly a mean-spirited conservative, remember?