Getting Allah's Goat

Yeah, I know: it's okay to diss Christianity, but make the slightest bit of fun of some other ultra-sensitive religions out there, and wha la, burned cars and death threat fatwahs abound. So what's a scambaiter to do, when a scammer throws Allah into the scam mix?

Baaaaaaad Skunk, that's what.

I got me another in a slew of "offers" from Burkina Faso -- a small African country that apparently exports poverty and email scams in copious amounts -- from the latest in a series of Auditing and Accounting managers for the Bank of Africa (BoA), Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, by the name of Kazim Buba (Kazimbuba2007@rocketmail.com). With a name like Buba, it has to be good, right?

Snort.

Anyway, good ol' Kazim Buba contacted me after finding me in the "international directory", and decided I was "of good profession enough to handle a transaction of the magmatude".

You gotta lava that one....*ducking boos and throwd items*.

As is usual, he asked for everything and the kitchen sink in the way of my personal information, to "demonstate my serious to help him" acquire the funds of a deceased patron of his bank branch, to the tune of $18.3 Million USD.

U. R. Phulovit, of Vaduz, Liechtenstein, was ever so happy to comply, though not quite in the manure anticipated; instead of filling out all the required info, U. R. sent back this reply:

Bubba,

If you got my information out of the Rand-Zugspitz International Directumry, then you have all my personal information, right down to my underwear size. I am not inclined to repeat the obvious information again. Now, what exactly is your plan of fleecement?

It became evident that Bubba could sort of follow a script waaay better than he could read:

Phulovit, i appreciate your interest as can be summized from you mail.

He went on in six rambling paragraphs to explain the deal, discuss with me "tust and confident", "legal implements" and "your attorney duty and risponssibilty", that part of which was all explained in caps (apparently in the scammer's hand book, all caps is necessary for stress, attention, or to convey seriousness). And he concluded with the obligatory request that I call him as soon as "posibal" at 00226-782-218-81. And he concluded with "i send you Allah's bless".

*Gag me with a front-end loader*

So I go right to (un)subtle aggressive testing of Bubba's (or his handlers) comprehension skills:

Bubba,

It is gratifying that you put such tust and confident in a person whom you've never met, and whom your mother would warn you about, if you were an attractive high school or college gal, which you obviously ain't. I will assure you that you will find immense obfuscation in dealing with me, and I will work hard to enhance that situation, to one of our satisfaction. Now, I noted you inadvertently sprinkled penile enlargement powder on your keyboard during the Aturkey Responsibilities section; it's obvious you have a real hard-on for aturkeys, Bubba. I just hope you were practicing safe all-caps at the time, since a finger prick can be a real problem in your neck of the woodys.

Now, I'd be happy to call you, but I can't shout that loud, so let's just git 'er done via email, hokey dokey? And I am as pious as the next pastry chef, but quite frankly, F*** your buddy Allan, the maker of all things that go BOOM in public. Now, what do I do next?

U. R. Phulovit

Bubba read and comprehended that load of gibberish as well as the first part, because he sends me an application to send to the Bank of Africa, his Burkina Faso branch, and enjoins me to mantain secretcy and not to dovolge my identify to bank since i work here and is illegal for me to be ingaged in this transaction.

It's a typical application for the transfer of funds as follows:

ATTN: MR. PAUL OUEDRAOGO

DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS

FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

OUAGADOUGOU-BURKINA FASO

TEL: 00226-78-85-21-60

FAX: 00226-50-32-72-18

EMAIL: BOAF_BF_OUAGA@SIFY.COM

DEAR SIR,

APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF $18.3M (EIGHTEEN MILLION THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND USD ONLY) FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER $401103378619.

I, (YOUR NAME) OF (ADDRESS) HUMBLY APPLIES TO THIS BANK TODAY THE (DATE) AS NEXT OF KIN TO YOUR DECEASED CUSTOMER DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY OF ATLANTA, AMERICA, WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH ON THE 21ST JULY OF 2003. I WISH MY APPLICATION WILL BE GIVEN AN URGENT ATTENTION AS I WISH THIS BALANCE BE RELEASED AND RE-TRANSFERRED INTO MY ACCOUNT AS STATED BELOW: (it asks for my bank's name, address, account number, routing number, swift code, beneficiary, my home phone number and occupation, and then it concludes): PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY FOR THIS LATE APPLICATION AS IT WAS DUE TO FAMILY LOGISTIC PROBLEMS CONSEQUENT UPON HIS FUNERAL RIGHTS WHICH TOOK TIME TO COMPLETE. THANKS IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR FULL COOPERATION.

Bubba should follow a written script more often; he can actually spell then. Better still, he should have someone read the replies he gets. But apparently, someone at the bank email addy is a better comprehender of the written woid than Bubba, since this is what I sent back to both the bank and Bubba:

APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF 18.3 METRIC TONS OF INERT COMPOST FROM ACCOUNT NUMBER $401WITH NINE OTHER DIGITS.

I, MR. U. R. PHULOVIT OF FURST FRANZ JOSEF STR 69, PO BOX 684, 9490 VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN, UNHUMBLY MAKES DEMAND TO THIS BANK TODAY THE 12TH OF SEPTEMBER, 2008, AS NEXT OF KIN TO YOUR DISEASED CUSTOADMER, DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY OF ATLANTA, AMERICA, WHO DIED WHEN A PLANE FELL ON HIS TALLYWACKER, AND WAS THUS EUNUCHED, ON JULY 21ST OF 2003, THAT YOU TRANSFER HIS ACCOUNT BALANCE TO MR. KAZIM BUBBA, YOUR MANAGER OF AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING, BANK OF AFRICA, WITHOUT DELAY. MR. KAZIM BUBBA DESIRES THIS BE DONE IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT SOONER, 'CUZ HE'S LATE TO SODOMIZE HIS SUPERVISOR'S GOATS.

(After throwing in bogus bank information, U. R. concludes on this note):

PLEASE ACCEPT MY INSINCERE APOLOGIES FOR THIS LATE APPLICATION AS IT WAS DUE TO LOGISTICAL PROBLEMS WHEN KAZIM BUBBA GOT STUCK IN ONE OF THE GOATS, AND IT REQUIRED THE RENTAL OF A TOWING TEAM WITH CHAINS AND FOUR OXEN, TO GET HIM LOOSE. THEN THE HORNY BASTARD TRIED TO DO THE OXEN. KAZIM'S A REAL ISLAMOPIG. DOH! ISLAMOFASCISTS SAY THEY DON'T LIKE PIGS, BUT I'LL BET THEY DO THEM IN SECRET BEHIND THE CAMEL CORRAL ON SATURDAY NIGHT! OH AND BY THE WAY, KAZIM SAID TO "F*** ALLAN", BECAUSE HE'S CONVERTING TO ATHEIO-SCIENTOLOGY, SO HE CAN TRY TO SODOMIZE ALIENS WITH SOUTH PARK'S CHEF IN HIS NEXT LIFE, SINCE HE WANTS NO PART OF 72 VIRGIN CAMELS. PERSONALLY, I THINK KAZIM NEEDS THERAPY, AND LESS GOAT HEAD CHEESE. YUCK.

That didn't get a reply from the bank; apparently, whoever is getting those emails has a better grasp of English than Bubba does. But it appears that they had something of a chat with Bubba, and made in-roads to correcting his dearth of understanding:

PHULOVIT...SODOMISE GOATS???WHAT YOU TRY DO ME????YOU STUPID IDOT HURT ME WITH BANK AND JEPARDISE MY STANDING!!! WHAT INSULTS ARE THIS TO ALLAH???THIS BLASPHEME!!!YOU ARE STUPID STUPID PERSON!!!I GET YOU FOR THIS YOU DO TO ME!!!

Baahh-aad Skunk. Baah-d enough, in fact, that ol' U. R. sends regrets and an offer to make things right:

Dear Bubba,

It is with the most insincere apologies that I respond to your indignation over my application to the bank. Like you, I didn't comprehend all that I read, and I -- like you with goats -- violated your request for secrecy. I will dispatch, at once, an amended application to the bank, and fix everything, but good. See what I just did there?

And I did: I sent an amended application to the bank email, asking them to disregard all references to Kazim Bubba's wanting access to the accounts; he's too busy accessing his supervisor's goats. And he still says "F*** Allen!", 'cuz he got an offer from a cross between an atheist and Jehovah Witness, to go knocking on doors for no reason.

Again, no reply from the bank email people; but I did get this from Bubba:

YOU ARE STUPID PERSON.WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, PHULOVIT.

I dunno...maybe I should leave well enough alone....nahhh:

Bubba,

Oh, I'm sure your fauxgawd Allan doesn't mind you butt-boink goats, since they are evolutionarily sorta kinda somewhat close to virgin camels in Phartyrdumb. But I reckon I ought let all the local folks here know if you're coming, so they can lock up their herds. Better to be locked up than knocked up. Pretty baaaaaaa-d thing, have a bunch of Islamofascist goats born around Vaduz; most of the herders wouldn't have the first idea about their goats, running head-first into things, trying to blow them up. They'd wind up having to send all those Islamb-ogoats to, oh I don't know, maybe Iran? I hear Ahmadinejad is a regular goat butt-boinker, and these he'd get a bang out of. See what I just did there? Nah, you probably don't....send this to your banker buddy, and he'll 'splain it to you.

I'm sure this will surprise you, but that seems to have ended (pun intended) further repartee with Kazim Buba. But (danged puns, anyway)...y'think maybe I should send an email to the Mayor of Vaduz, and tell him to be watchful of their goat herds?

Not a bahhhh-d idea...