Upstooging A Scammer

*Here's another quick reprise from the archives, and another of my favorites from '07*

This was waaaaay too easy. But I think that Curly would have given it three "nyuk nyuk nyuk"s.

Seeking a new angle to take on the scammers, I found an easy source of inspiration: the Three Stooges. Watched 'em as a kid. They made me laugh then. They still do today.

I heard those snide comments, ladies. And your point is....?

Okay, so I enjoy the simplistic humor and the slapstick (as well as them slapping each other) of the Three Stooges. I have over 100 Stooge wav files in the media section of my computer. I frequently use one or more on my telephone message system.

Not only does this contribute to my still being single, but my coworkers and friends think there's something wrong with me in the "thrice concussed" department. After this series, so probably will you.

Some yardbird by the name of Gbenga A. Oyebode (okomuoilplc@yahoo.com), claiming to represent Okomu Oil (in Benin City, Nigeria), sent me an email offer that was somewhat different: he was seeking a foreigner to rent Okomu Oil. Specifically, to rent out a 70% interest that the government wanted to sell out of. In a short but rambling discourse, he discussed how highly respected Okomu Oil PLC had been in the 1980s, but "now with the governmnt action it will look like a shame on us, unless you will be working with us as an operating manager, but mind you all the original document will be with you and your lawyer". Whatever that's supposed to mean.

I've been offered a job, or an inheritance, or a swift card to access an inheritance, or a fee for faux helping a scammer to obtain an inheritance...but never to obtain 70% interest in a foreign oil company. This one I simply had to play in.

But not as U. R. Phulovit or Myra Manes. Nope...this time, I'd play it as Jerome "Curly" Howard. Granted, Curly prematurely left us in 1952, after a series of strokes from the late 1940s. He rests in peace at the Home of Peace Memorial Park and Mausoleum in Los Angeles.

But ol' Gbenga doesn't have to know that. At least, not yet.

So I respond to Gbenga's opening gambit thus:

Sir,

Sointenly, I am dying to help out in the business you're giving me. Granted, I am gravely inept in this kind of business, so explain it to me so that I can be dead certain I understand.

J. C. Howard

I apologize in advance for the bad puns...be warned. If Moe were here, I'd be getting plenty of slaps, bonks and eye-pokes.

Gbenga responds to me with another rambling discourse (eloquence isn't his strong or any suit), at the end of which he asks me to fill out one of those simple "applications"; I return to him the following:

Why soitenly, I can fill out your application. I must bring up one thing about the usage of a telephone, though: in my current abode, a phone is an encumbrance. I can't get a cell signal from here. Moreover, I've lost my hearing over the years, along with most of what made it work. So it is best that you communicate your needs to me via the Internet. The rest of the information is here:

Name: Jerome C. "Curly" Howard

Home Address: 4334 Whittier Blvd, Los Angeles CA 90023

Office Info: Caretaker and Occupant, Home of Peace Memorial Park Cemetery/Mausoleum Age and Quailitfication (that's how he spelled it, and I thought it would be rude to correct him): I'm timeless now, and I have a degree in horizontal placement engineering via a correspondence course. I graduated high school and have spent many years entertaining in TV. I was also very gifted with musical instruments, as well as dance steps, pratfalls, and pie fighting. The sight of mice drives me crazy.

I thought that just maybe, he'd "get it" and that'd be that. Nawp:

It peleases me to have your partnershp in this matter. It is important now that you recieve here the legal documen titled Memoradun of Understanding (it came attached to the email) that you must sign and send me back soonest. I also meed from you a passport photo or ID of kind and for you to prosent yourself as the manager of the company or a lawyer to do that for you that will allow me can proede.

Okay, fine, I think...so I printed, signed, scanned and returned the document. Not bad for a dead guy in a confined space, eh? Whose yer mummy, nyuk nyuk nyuk? However, I omitted the ID, not having one prepared, as well as omitting the designation since I didn't really understand much of the rest anyway.

Gbenga is quick to note the omission:

I did not get all that i ask for from you. I need an ID and for you to name youself a manger or have a lawyer do that for you. We need fast reply from you on this because i will be presenting your form on the first of next month to the Board and you need to be here or your lawyer.

Well, there's no way that Curly can be there, as himself or a lawyer. But I do correct the ID omission (see in the next installment) and take him off the hook on the lawyer as well:

Ohhhhhh, soitenly! I attach here a drivers license I managed to have obtained for me that almost cost me an arm and a leg to get..nyahhhhh. As for a lawyer, considering how buried I am in things just now, it'd be best if you know of a good lawyer there who can stand up and do other things for me there. I, of corpse, will accept his directives and instructions, so's long as they're not too cryptic with your needs or my limited abilities.

I'm wincing myself at some of these. But not ol' Gbenga:

The only lawyer that can work with our company is MR Henry, from south africa but base here in Nigeria. You can get him though his email b_henrychamber@yahoo.com . you should be fast with time bcause our meeting date is around the conner (a freudian slip?) i will call Mr. Heny on phone and let him know to hear from you ok.

Then Gbenga engages in some idle chitchat:

after I call him, I will wait for your lawyer and i will wish you suckess (LMAO!) in this becuse you are with a success lawyer well know in Africa and i will be here to give your lawyer all infor he need and keep you update. How is your family doing Mr. Howard?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk:

Okay, Mr. Ungabunga, I will wait to hear from the lawyer as well. You say he's a good 'un, so I'll soitenly expect the best from him. My family's fine. Most of them are dead on their butts right now, reposing like I am. It's kind of a family trait, buried in our genes.

Sorry folks: the puns don't get any better or original in Part II, as we meet the lawyer.