PETA At Their Breast

If the photo at the right were a simple multiple choice question: Who gets milked in this photo?, the great majority of us would probably select (a) the four legged one on the left, right?

Yep. But PETA ain't in the great majority. They'd opt for (b) the two-legged one on the right.

As Dave Barry is fond of saying, I am not making this up: PETA wants Ben 'n Jerry's -- the northeastern ice cream et al makers -- to stop using cow's milk in their confectionaries, and replace it with breast milk. Human breast milk.

In PETA's eyes, all this milk we humans pirate from cows has an unfair impact on all those calves; besides, it's abusive to cows to milk them for all they're worth, for the benefit of humans.

And besides, they point out: breast milk is best for humans.

My own first thought on this was, what a bunch of boobs....*TOING*

I haven't yet heard how Ben and Jerry have responded to this, though it's doubtful they'll switch their party registration just yet, though PETA might have them thinking about it for the first time. But let's say, for the sake of making PETA feel like they've finally suggested something that people outside of their tiny universe of drug burn-outs will listen to, that Ben and Jerry take this suggestion to heart, or at least physically close thereabouts. How do they replace the millions of gallons of dairy milk that goes into their operation, with millions of gallons of mother's milk?

I'm almost but not quite red-faced, pondering the options.

And if they manage to completely overhaul their operations to make such a substitution, how many new flavor names of product are likely? Ben 'n Jerry's Mother, Jugs and Speed Ice Cream? Ben 'n Jerry's Bountiful Bosum Frozen Yogurt? Ben 'n Jerry's Morgana's Big Suckle Surprise? Ben 'n Jerry's Dolly Parten's Big Pistachio? Ben 'n Jerry's Melts In Your Mouth and Your Mammogram Lemon Meringue? Ben 'n Jerry's Mouth Buster Parfait? Ben 'n Jerry's Twin Purple Mountains of Majestic Rocky Road? Ben 'n Jerry's Madonna's Carmel Cleavage With A Nip of...Somethin' er other? Ben 'n Jerry's Topless Cherry Ripple? Or a special Ben 'n Jerry's "Are They Real?", specially formulated for a new Ben and Jerry's silly-cone?

Personally, were I Ben or Jerry, I'd be telling PETA where they can put their suggestion; then again, the idea of the collection operation does have it's alluring aspects...

*ducking boos and throwd breast pumps*