Monday, April 23, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Russian Threat of Global Humor
Saturday, April 14, 2007
From Russia With...Soap?
After the latest flurry of Russian 'bride-wannabe' emails, I decided to take an uncharacteristic step for moi: I wrote to the outfit what's sending me this hyar stuff (http://crOssrOad.org), and very nicely laid out to them that I didn't know how I got on their mailing list, but that I was genuinely concerned about misrepresenting myself to their bevy of bride-wannabes -- most of which being half my age -- and concluded that I wasn't what these young ladies (real or imagined) were looking for. In the immortal words of Bob Dylan, "it ain't me babe..uh no no no it ain't me babe...it ain't me they're looking for, babe...".
I sent that on Monday.
On Tuesday, I had 15 email inquiries from 'Russian bride-wannabes'.
On Wednesday, I had 14 more. On Thursday, 14 more. So much for doin' the right thing.
So instead I took the tact from the previous two installments, and selected three of the more, uh, "promising" email offers.
First up, Natalia (the profile in pink), who's email heading was "My heart is in your hands, Le Skunk de Polecat"...*TOING*. She went onto say "The major qualities Ive always depreciated (huh?!) in men their kind heart and a sense of humor. I am not looking for a knight, but for a down-to-earth man".
My response was in keeping with my full-hearted, down-to-earth, knightly character:
Your heart is in my hands? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwww! All the blood! The slime! My gawd, IT's STILL PULSING!! And SPURTING! MEDIC!!! STANLEY STEEMER!!!
*passing out hyar*...*thud*.
I 'spect this left her wondering "what th' bullshevic?".
Next up was Julija (white jacket w/black-red stripes):
Dear Le Skunk de Polecat, nice to meet you here! My name is Julija, I'm single lady 23 year old. I'm kind of cheerful, easy and most sociable with attractive and intelligent. I can fit to you, because I'm flexible *TOING*, but proud of yourself, so please be gentle! I dream to meet such a person as you to give me baby and much happy husband. If you're kind enugh, my heart is yours!
She's "easy"? DOH:
Speaking of flexibility, can you put your left foot behind your head, while keeping your right foot attached to the bottom of your right leg, extending it in the opposite direction? THAT is flexibility. If I tried that, I'd snap, crackle and plop into six months of totally boring traction. As for the heart thing, I just had my carpets cleaned after an untoward experience with one of your comrade-ettes doing some strange appendage handling with her heart, so I'm not up to another round of 'bloody good show' hyar. Nice jacket, BTW.
Add Julija to the 'lost in translation head-scratchers' having met Le Skunk de Polecat.
Last -- but certainly not least -- is Svetlana. Svetlana didn't write the longest or most interesting intro. But that apparently wasn't Svetlana's plan. Svetlana wasn't counting on her paragraph of prose to impress ol' Le Skunk; nooooooooo. She sent along a photo. The cropped version is up top: the real version was a head to knees picture of Svetlana...clad only in...uh...soap suds:
Hi, Le Skunk de Polecat!
I am Svetlana! I am to say that Im rather independent personality. Im decent but like to do things that say things to a man *no poop, lady*. I like to shape peoples feelings, it is a great pleasure to bring satisfaction to people. Im not afraid of making unexpected decisions. Id like to say Im often in to sports and with good company *no poop, lady*. I lead a healthy lifestyle *no poop, lady*. I love new places and things. I love to hear more of you. Pleased to write me and tell me how I impress you, yes? I love hear what you think.
*a cold shower later, I think I'm up to a reply of sorts*:
I don't know how to write the word, but if you ever saw Bugs Bunny, there was a sound the characters made when they needed to clear their minds. That sound was most assuredly in evidence here when I saw how you like to speak to a man, not so much with words as with visuality.
I must say that you are certainly the cleanest photo I have ever received from these kind of emails. And it bears out that you are certainly healthy. And it further bears out that you like to send a message to a man. Hooba dooba, what a message you send! Hadda take a cold shower to reply.
But I am curious, Svetlana: I did some very careful perusal of that photo (okay, ladies, stop the oinking again...I'm a guy) and I am most curious about those scars? Yes, those scars...the ones that are indicative of anatomical surgery usually consistent with..uh..er...sex changes? Are you sure you weren't Sven at one time?
Not that I'm saying you're not a woman NOW, Svetty cakes; not at all. But...well...uh...you did say you were independent and like to make unexpected decisions.
Le Skunk de Polecat
Once again, not a peep from the trio. In Svetlana's case, this might be a good thing.
I don't need 'Svet/Sven' showing up here, armed and really pissed.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
From Russia With Scam
I recently had the pleasure of meeting with the Vice President of Public Affairs for the Denver/Boulder Better Business Bureau, to see if maybe there was some contribution I might be able to make at some point in their on-going battles with online (and other) business scams.
Like, fer 'xample, bein' "Bawb" from Ballhitch, Colorado. But that's for later.
But life is full of irony (except when it comes to my laundry), and later that same day, I get one of those ironically-timed emails. From Russia. With love.
See, I recently got a scam mail from some person of borscht antecedence who sought my indulgence for "eager Russian brides"; I sent back a tart reply using the nom de guerre of Le Skunk de Polecat.
You'd think some things would transcend language barriers. *Buzzer*....wrong.
Witness the following evidence in my email:
Dear Le Skunk de Polecat,
My name is Lada.
A little bit about myself. I am Russian. I was born in September in the city Voronezh. I am Russian (yeah, I think I got that the first time, comrade-ette) . I am Christian. My weight-63 kg, my height 175 cm. I have a fair hair (only one?) and nice blue eyes, athletic figure. I have a degree from an Russian University education. My speciality is radiophysics and electronic. I am electronic engineer and have been for many years. I work in research institute-radioelectronics. I am divorced with my Canada husband. I do not have children, but I like them alot.
A little bit about my personality. I don?t smoke and drink. I have no bad habits. I am good-looking, healthy, active, communicate. I have the shape and attitude of a 28 year old. By character I am very light in relationship, intelligent joyful. I can tell that I am very romantic, calm, sincere, intelligent (redundant...) honest, loving, womanly (*TOING*) , kind. I have good sense of humour and a very optimistic outlook on life. I like a theatre, book readings, dancing. I have various interests: good music, art, nature, travelling to culture, history of countries. Think I like are sports, swimming, keeping fit and in general healthy life.
I looks for serious man (double *TOING*) for making a family, for marriage. I?d like to get acquainted with intelligent, honest, kind, independent, generous, with a sense of humour and interests in different sides of life man and maybe more, for long term relationship. I do not wont man have smoke/drink or have any bad habits (I agree: a man with a nun's hat is too kinky for some women).
I speak English not good. I learned German but I do not know it very well yet. Please write back me.
With large respect, Lada.
Oh, horsefeathers. I'm single anyway, so why not indulge a tad? Here's the kind of reply I know will engage me in a long-term sit-chee-ation:
I was born in Iowa, many moons ago, as the fit of my pants has always been dubious at best. I am about as athletic as a tree stump. I have much bad habits, and the pissed-off nuns to prove it. I am older than dirt. Well, some dirt.
I work for a water treatment plant as a reclamation tank diver, which has I think something to do with my name.
I like kids in general, especially around meal time. Sauteed in particular.
I seek a rich woman who will support me in a manure to which I am totally unaccustomed, but am willing to adapt to. It is probably good that she is also a very understanding woman with olfactory dysfunction, as I am rather flatulent before and after meals and sex.
So if you like to play hide the bleenie with me, I have a photo. I will share it with you upon request. If you don't request, I won't share it.
I speak English okay, long as you don't ask my English teacher of years ago. As for my German, bitte fraulein, schiesse flieger undt das kaput midde spitzen sparken undt das fartennoigen undt schtuff. By the time you write back, I think I can figure out what I just wrote. But I doubt it.
Awaiting your single hair to write again, my borscht blossom.
Le Skunk de Polecat
Romance was never my forte, as her lack of a reply would tend to suggest. Or maybe it was the trail of pissed-off nuns in my bad habit wake.
Whatever it was, Sean Connery got the better deal than I did.