Saturday, April 14, 2007

From Russia With...Soap?



After the latest flurry of Russian 'bride-wannabe' emails, I decided to take an uncharacteristic step for moi: I wrote to the outfit what's sending me this hyar stuff (http://crOssrOad.org), and very nicely laid out to them that I didn't know how I got on their mailing list, but that I was genuinely concerned about misrepresenting myself to their bevy of bride-wannabes -- most of which being half my age -- and concluded that I wasn't what these young ladies (real or imagined) were looking for. In the immortal words of Bob Dylan, "it ain't me babe..uh no no no it ain't me babe...it ain't me they're looking for, babe...".

I sent that on Monday.

On Tuesday, I had 15 email inquiries from 'Russian bride-wannabes'.

On Wednesday, I had 14 more. On Thursday, 14 more. So much for doin' the right thing.

So instead I took the tact from the previous two installments, and selected three of the more, uh, "promising" email offers.

First up, Natalia (the profile in pink), who's email heading was "My heart is in your hands, Le Skunk de Polecat"...*TOING*. She went onto say "The major qualities Ive always depreciated (huh?!) in men their kind heart and a sense of humor. I am not looking for a knight, but for a down-to-earth man".

My response was in keeping with my full-hearted, down-to-earth, knightly character:

Natalia:

Your heart is in my hands? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwww! All the blood! The slime! My gawd, IT's STILL PULSING!! And SPURTING! MEDIC!!! STANLEY STEEMER!!!

*passing out hyar*...*thud*.

I 'spect this left her wondering "what th' bullshevic?".

Next up was Julija (white jacket w/black-red stripes):

Dear Le Skunk de Polecat, nice to meet you here! My name is Julija, I'm single lady 23 year old. I'm kind of cheerful, easy and most sociable with attractive and intelligent. I can fit to you, because I'm flexible *TOING*, but proud of yourself, so please be gentle! I dream to meet such a person as you to give me baby and much happy husband. If you're kind enugh, my heart is yours!

She's "easy"? DOH:

Dear Julija:

Speaking of flexibility, can you put your left foot behind your head, while keeping your right foot attached to the bottom of your right leg, extending it in the opposite direction? THAT is flexibility. If I tried that, I'd snap, crackle and plop into six months of totally boring traction. As for the heart thing, I just had my carpets cleaned after an untoward experience with one of your comrade-ettes doing some strange appendage handling with her heart, so I'm not up to another round of 'bloody good show' hyar. Nice jacket, BTW.

Add Julija to the 'lost in translation head-scratchers' having met Le Skunk de Polecat.

Last -- but certainly not least -- is Svetlana. Svetlana didn't write the longest or most interesting intro. But that apparently wasn't Svetlana's plan. Svetlana wasn't counting on her paragraph of prose to impress ol' Le Skunk; nooooooooo. She sent along a photo. The cropped version is up top: the real version was a head to knees picture of Svetlana...clad only in...uh...soap suds:

Hi, Le Skunk de Polecat!

I am Svetlana! I am to say that Im rather independent personality. Im decent but like to do things that say things to a man *no poop, lady*. I like to shape peoples feelings, it is a great pleasure to bring satisfaction to people. Im not afraid of making unexpected decisions. Id like to say Im often in to sports and with good company *no poop, lady*. I lead a healthy lifestyle *no poop, lady*. I love new places and things. I love to hear more of you. Pleased to write me and tell me how I impress you, yes? I love hear what you think.

*a cold shower later, I think I'm up to a reply of sorts*:

Dear Svetlana:

I don't know how to write the word, but if you ever saw Bugs Bunny, there was a sound the characters made when they needed to clear their minds. That sound was most assuredly in evidence here when I saw how you like to speak to a man, not so much with words as with visuality.

I must say that you are certainly the cleanest photo I have ever received from these kind of emails. And it bears out that you are certainly healthy. And it further bears out that you like to send a message to a man. Hooba dooba, what a message you send! Hadda take a cold shower to reply.

But I am curious, Svetlana: I did some very careful perusal of that photo (okay, ladies, stop the oinking again...I'm a guy) and I am most curious about those scars? Yes, those scars...the ones that are indicative of anatomical surgery usually consistent with..uh..er...sex changes? Are you sure you weren't Sven at one time?

Not that I'm saying you're not a woman NOW, Svetty cakes; not at all. But...well...uh...you did say you were independent and like to make unexpected decisions.

Just askin'.

Le Skunk de Polecat

Once again, not a peep from the trio. In Svetlana's case, this might be a good thing.

I don't need 'Svet/Sven' showing up here, armed and really pissed.

6 Comments:

Blogger MileHighDivaCyn said...

Skunk...hold on to your feathers.
We have a case in my law office right now that involves a Russian bride...oh the things that I could tell ya.

14 April, 2007 21:43  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

What do you mean, you aren't the kind of guy they are looking for? You are EXACTLY what they are looking for: a guy who answers email spam!

16 April, 2007 21:36  
Blogger Herb said...

Wery strange, keptin.

18 April, 2007 04:19  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

Ms C: partially true, Ma'am. But I tink mine anworts ist not vhat dey ist lookingk fer ;)

18 April, 2007 08:15  
Blogger Karen said...

I think it's best that you didn't get any responses to your replies. As always, I'm still laughing while I'm writing this...

I'm sorry I've been away; much too much to do here at home, school, and work. Is it May yet?? I'll at least have a month break from school.

Have a great day!!
Karen

18 April, 2007 10:20  
Blogger Monica said...

I could have saved you so much hassle and those wannabe brides so much trouble if I had written the letter for you:

HE LIKES BRUNETTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There.

Don't worry, I'll just send you my bill.

Seriously, thanks for the prayers for Daphne and the F of N. And seriously? I'll send you my bill. :)

18 April, 2007 12:09  

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