From Russia With Scam

I recently had the pleasure of meeting with the Vice President of Public Affairs for the Denver/Boulder Better Business Bureau, to see if maybe there was some contribution I might be able to make at some point in their on-going battles with online (and other) business scams.

Like, fer 'xample, bein' "Bawb" from Ballhitch, Colorado. But that's for later.

But life is full of irony (except when it comes to my laundry), and later that same day, I get one of those ironically-timed emails. From Russia. With love.

Sorta.

See, I recently got a scam mail from some person of borscht antecedence who sought my indulgence for "eager Russian brides"; I sent back a tart reply using the nom de guerre of Le Skunk de Polecat.

You'd think some things would transcend language barriers. *Buzzer*....wrong.

Witness the following evidence in my email:

Dear Le Skunk de Polecat,

My name is Lada.

A little bit about myself. I am Russian. I was born in September in the city Voronezh. I am Russian (yeah, I think I got that the first time, comrade-ette) . I am Christian. My weight-63 kg, my height 175 cm. I have a fair hair (only one?) and nice blue eyes, athletic figure. I have a degree from an Russian University education. My speciality is radiophysics and electronic. I am electronic engineer and have been for many years. I work in research institute-radioelectronics. I am divorced with my Canada husband. I do not have children, but I like them alot.

A little bit about my personality. I don?t smoke and drink. I have no bad habits. I am good-looking, healthy, active, communicate. I have the shape and attitude of a 28 year old. By character I am very light in relationship, intelligent joyful. I can tell that I am very romantic, calm, sincere, intelligent (redundant...) honest, loving, womanly (*TOING*) , kind. I have good sense of humour and a very optimistic outlook on life. I like a theatre, book readings, dancing. I have various interests: good music, art, nature, travelling to culture, history of countries. Think I like are sports, swimming, keeping fit and in general healthy life.

I looks for serious man (double *TOING*) for making a family, for marriage. I?d like to get acquainted with intelligent, honest, kind, independent, generous, with a sense of humour and interests in different sides of life man and maybe more, for long term relationship. I do not wont man have smoke/drink or have any bad habits (I agree: a man with a nun's hat is too kinky for some women).

I speak English not good. I learned German but I do not know it very well yet. Please write back me.
With large respect, Lada.

Oh, horsefeathers. I'm single anyway, so why not indulge a tad? Here's the kind of reply I know will engage me in a long-term sit-chee-ation:

Dear Lada:

I was born in Iowa, many moons ago, as the fit of my pants has always been dubious at best. I am about as athletic as a tree stump. I have much bad habits, and the pissed-off nuns to prove it. I am older than dirt. Well, some dirt.

I work for a water treatment plant as a reclamation tank diver, which has I think something to do with my name.

I like kids in general, especially around meal time. Sauteed in particular.

I seek a rich woman who will support me in a manure to which I am totally unaccustomed, but am willing to adapt to. It is probably good that she is also a very understanding woman with olfactory dysfunction, as I am rather flatulent before and after meals and sex.

So if you like to play hide the bleenie with me, I have a photo. I will share it with you upon request. If you don't request, I won't share it.

I speak English okay, long as you don't ask my English teacher of years ago. As for my German, bitte fraulein, schiesse flieger undt das kaput midde spitzen sparken undt das fartennoigen undt schtuff. By the time you write back, I think I can figure out what I just wrote. But I doubt it.

Awaiting your single hair to write again, my borscht blossom.

Le Skunk de Polecat

Romance was never my forte, as her lack of a reply would tend to suggest. Or maybe it was the trail of pissed-off nuns in my bad habit wake.

Whatever it was, Sean Connery got the better deal than I did.