Wednesday, June 8, 2016

A Long Time Ago In An Email Edit Yesterday...

Things are getting weird in 2016.  Proof is no harder to find than the presidential election and what we're seemingly left with:  a corrupt criminal who'll have to pardon herself at her inaugural if she's not indicted first, or....Donald Trump, who simply defies description.

So why shouldn't the weird impact the online email scammers?

Take this one for example:  Miss Patience Kone of the Ivory Coast, and her effort to give my character the business:

My Dear,
l am happy to request for your assistance and also to go into business partnership with you, i believe that you will not betrayed my trust which i am going to lay on you.
I am Miss Patience Kone ,23years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs. Jason Kone. My father was a highly reputable business magnet-(a cocoa merchant)who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad year 12th.February 2007.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travailed with him at that time. But God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 7 years old, and since then my father took me so special. Before his death on February 12th 2007 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told him that he has the sum of Two Million United State Dollars.(USD$2, 000 000) he used my name as his beloved daughter as the next of kin in depositing the fund in one of the bank in West Africa. And he said I should seek for a foreign partner in a  country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for an investment purpose.
I am just 23years old and an Student really don't know what to do. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards.Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:-
1. Can I completely trust you?
2. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you?
Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.
Thank you so much.  My sincere regards,
Miss. Patience   
 
 
I managed to work a lot of old and new into this edit...even my pet rock, Seymour, was stupefied:
 
 
Vacuum pack,
l am happy to request for a twelve pack of Keystone Lite because what you're about to read will require at least a twelve pack to understand.
 
I am Miss Patience Kone ,23years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs. Ukulele Ungabunga Ice Cream Kone. My father was a scurrilously disreputable and dubious business maggot (a cocaine and sex drug merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory Coast during his days.   On his nights he sang at various dive bars as Lolita Snatchpussy, a reputed transvestite gangsta rapperette that was advertised in bathrooms around Dearborn and the DNC.  It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his strangest performances with a llama, yak and a fortune-telling shrieking marmot on  12th February 2016.  Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masturbated by a pygmy tri-peckered goat who traveled with him at that time as his masseuse and bookkeeper, nothing has been proved other than emails found on Hellary's primate server that Bill tried to cleverly conceal as a female intern genital humidor at the Clinton Foundation, under a desk.
 
But God knows the truth!  And considers it stranger than any act ever witnessed on The Gong Show.
   
My mother died when I was just 22 years old, and since then my father took me whenever his male alter igor took over. Before his death he called the secretary who accompanied him for most of his night acts in e flat and told him that the secretary was to fire the tri-peckered pygmy goat for having eaten the sum of Two Million United State Dollars after a wild night in a ewe convent that still hasn't figured out what hit it.  
I am just 23 years old and a thrice born again virgin that really doesn't know what that means. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant comparisons to a father who behaved worse than Anthony Weiner on Twitter or Bill Clinton at a Nyphomaniac's Anonymous convention.  
 
Also, the death of my faithful witch doctor turned Serengeti hamster (one of his spells that went awry) who was then eaten by a boa constrictor has caused me many script rewrites for the next Star Wars movie, Episode VIII The Phantom Tri-Uddered Cow Tipper (George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are thought to want nothing to do with this one, though Harrison Ford might reprise his role if Carrie Fisher loses 30 pounds and that sticky bun on her head), due out in theatres in the summer of 2017.  
 
 

I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance to find some peculiar way that any of this can be made to make sense.  Now permit me to ask these few questions:-
1. Can I completely trust that you are NOT Anthony Weiner?
 
2. Do you know someone who can reprise the roles of Chewbacca and Jar Jar Stinks in the new Star Wars movie?
 
3. Did you hear about the pygmy tri-peckered goat attack at the ewe convent in Liechtenstein on CNN?
Oops...not THAT convent...
 
 
4. Do YOU know who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder?
 
5. Do YOU know why PETA and Greenpeace aren't going stark raving nuts about that use of a flounder on Annie's fanny?
6. Are cars made out of avocados called guacaroles?
 
Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.  Thank you so much.
WTF to put it lightly,
Miss. Patience    
 
This one clearly overloaded the scammers who had absolutely no reply to this.  Chuck Barris could probably manage one...
 

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