A Benin Rev Don' Like Troof

A 'reverend' from the Republic of Benin sent me an email, and after perusing it with two pet rocks looking over my shoulder, Seymour won the *Pick ME* edit competition.

And Seymour promptly joined me in the category of 'not being picked by Bidumb as an ambassador anytime soon'.

Here's the rather staid effort to give me the business:

FedEx BENIN REPUBLIC HEAD OFFICE
NATIONAL HOUSE OF ASSEMBLY COMPLEX
UPPER CHAMBERS WUSE DISTRICT, COTONOU BENIN.

Dear Beneficiary,

This mail is to inform you of your registered package.CONTENT: Bank
Draft of $5.5Million USD registered by an Official of the United
Nation. The Fund is a donation to you from the U.N through e-mails
balloting in affiliation with commonwealth poverty eradication
program.

For your information the VAT and COD have been paid and the only money
you will have to pay is the security keeping fee US$150 must be paid
before shipment. Contact FedEx Delivery Department (Mr.Johnson Webb)
phone number+229 61 88 43 47 with email
address:(mrjohnsonwebb@aol.com)and forward below detail for shipment.

Your Full Name:
Your Physical Address:
Your Phone Number:
Your Occupation:
Your Date of Birth/Age:

Thank you,
Rev.Kevin Osei.   

Needless to say, Seymour would have 'nun' of it, and his edit reflects an ever going distain for email scammers, especially reverential ones:

From: Rev. Kevin Osei. <iyanlawrence@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, July 5, 2021 7:47 AM
Subject: FedUp BENIN REPUGNANT HEAD-UP-ASS OFFICE

 

FedUp BENIN REPUGNANT HEAD-UP-ASS OFFICE
NATIONAL HOUSE OF DISASSEMBLY SIMPLEX
UPPER CHAMBERS WUSS DISTRICT, COTONOU BENIN.

This mail is to inform you that nothing you receive from

the Repugnant of Benin is worth a hummingbird sh*t.

Abso-f**king-lutely NOTHING.

Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  F**k stick.  Douche nozzle.  Twat waffle.

WORTH-F**KING-LESS.

Pretty much like anything from the US-based Democrap

Party...abso-f**king-worth-nothing.

For your information the VAT and COD as they relate to

the Repugnant of Benin aren't worth a flying fish f**k either.

Gotta problem widdat?  You can write to Mr. Johnson Webb
phone number+229 61 88 43 47 with email
address: (mrjohnsonwebb@aol.com) and you'll find that he

ain't worth a f**k stick sh*t either, as he is also from the 

Repugnant of Benin.

You can fill in the information below if you want, but it won't

be worth any more of a sh*t than anything emailed from the 

US DNC OR the Repugnant of Benin is.

Your Full Name:
Your Physical Address:
Your Phone Number:
Your Occupation:
Your Date of Birth/Age:

Thanks be to all the stupid f**ks that think otherwise,
Rev.Kevin Osei.

Seymour kinda hoped that there'd be some reply to this, as he sent it back to the originating scammer and about 50 of his peers and colleagues.

Seymour wasn't disappointed.

From the originating scammer came this:

THIS NOT WHAT I SEND.  WHAT WRONG WITH YOU???

Whatever's wrong with me, now a lot of folks you'll notice that were CC'd on this will think that you sent this and will think something is wrong with YOU, Plunger Lips.  Back atcha.

And from another scammer that's protested being on this select receiving edits list before:

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NYAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seymour is really relishing his "four year old brat" role with scammers...

Mili-Contrary

Meet and greet with the one, the only...*snort*...Colonel Pace Kim, US Army.

Or so she sez.

Currently serving and protecting in Afghanistan as part of the United Nations peace-keeping farces.

Or so she sez.

And it gets better with her offer to give my character the business:


 My Name is Col. Pace Kim; I hope all is well with you? I am a soldier working as United Nations peace keeping troop in Afghanistan, on war against terrorism. I have in my possession the sum of $2.8 million USD Which I made here in Afghanistan. I deposited this money with a Red Cross agent because of the law of UN. I want you to stand as my beneficiary to receive the fund and keep it safe because I don't trust Red Cross agent. I want you to help me and keep the money save in your account so that as soon as am through with my mission here in Afghanistan, I will come over to you for us to meet face to face and know each other. I will give you 50% of the total money for your assistance after you have received the money. Please reply back to me here via Email: colpacekim@hotmail.com if you are willing to work with me so that I can send you more information where the money is been keeps by the Red Cross Agent. Your urgent reply is highly needed. Best Regards Col. Pace Kim.   


So she didn't find this money during a patrol through some cave of the winds; she "made" it.  

I can just imagine how.

Of course, it was my character's pleasure to have some fun with the edit; then again, my editing gone wild pet rock Seymour was back from his Louisiana journey, and wanted ever so badly to tear into this one.  So the honor went to the pet rock:

From: PACE KIM <info@houei-trading.co.jp>

Sent: Friday, April 10, 2020 10:35 PM
To: Recipients <info@houei-trading.co.jp>
Subject: Entremanurial Oppos In Afghanistan...Operators Are Standing By

Hello everybody, and welcome to another edition of Scams Abroad By One...for those of you unfamiliar with what's to foller, my name is Col. Pace Kim; I think I was supposed to be a colonel in the South Korean Army with a name like that, but as usual some six-fingered goat-smelling egg-sucking jackwagon fumbled the proof reading, and my name is backasswards.

I am a soldier, a horny soldier, away from home with no dildo of my own.  I so ronery. 

Meantime, I manage to fake working as a Eunuched Nations peace wrecking troop in the Afghanistan portion of Portland, OR, attempting to fathom Antifa's war on public trash cans and bus stops.

Here's a  picture of me.  Disregard the missing rank behind the green curtain.  I've every bit the colonel that the chicken dude is.  Really.

I have in my possession the sum of $2.8 million USD Which I made here using an assortment of inks, papers and an illegal printing press. I deposited this money with a poorly-connected Italian Antifa named Guido because he offered to launder it.  Too late did I realize that he took it home to his parent's basement and washed it in the machine.  Now all the bills look like Tammy Faye Bakker after one of her TV cryfests.  Because of the law of EN, I can't use money that has the portrait'd person looking like a Picasso on meth. 

I want you to stand at attention as my beneficiary, and then find someone -- ANYONE -- who can fix the money Guido totally f***ed up because I don't trust any of these ill-educated, trash can-trashing Antifa nincompoops.  I want you to help me out with this scheme of mine so that as soon as am through with my mission here in the Afghanistan portion of Portland, I will come over to you for us to meet face to face and know each other.  I probably won't look like my picture -- I'm actually a surgically-altered quadsexual that's still trying to figure out which bathroom to use, having just found a dictionary that explains to me what I want people to refer to my gender as...a mental illness.

  I will give you 50% of the totaled money Guido f***ed up for your assistance.  If you're actually able to fix any of it, send that part to me; I'm running low on tampons, but am not totally sure why. 

Please reply back to me here via Email: colpacekim@hotmail.com 

Even if you're not willing to work with me, write me back so we can have an exchange of views about the vices and virtues of coronavirus vs painful rectal itch as seen on Saturday Night Live back when it was funny 43 years ago.

If I lick your reply make sure you use hand sanitizer.  Antifans in Portland aren't the least bit clean.

Your urgent reply is highly needed. Best Regards Col. Pace Kim.

Seymour was disappointed that the colonel didn't respond to this edit.  I 'spect that he/she/it is still trying to read it...