A Diplomatic 800th
Yes...this post marks 800 for this blog. Proving yet again that I have perfected time wasting since June of 2005, roughly thrice-weekly. But the honor of 800 goes not to me..but to a *US ambassador*.
Yes, I've had emails from all over and all sorts. But for the first time in my memory, I have received an offer to give me the business from a *US ambassador*. Our own ambassador to...*drum roll*....Nigeria.
I heard those *yawn*s. I think I added one.
Granted...I know that the email I received was NOT from the authentic Ambassador Terrence McCulley. But it was a nice gambit: the first half of the email introduced hisself to me, and trotted out all of his accomplishments and bona fides. Straight off his posted information on the embassy website.
*He* then went on to tell me how I was due $500,000 USD from the government of Nigeria, and how I could have my bank draft in 72 hours...AFTER (here came the *TOING*) I wired $150 USD to the "Embassy Protocol Officer".
My first response was to write directly to the 'real' ambassador and thank him for his looking out for my non-existant Nigerian interests. That drew a 'robo' response and probably got me on a watch list.
Not that I care; I'm truly boring to watch.
My second response was to respond to the email with my 'Ben Dover' persona, and await the back 'n forth about the $150 to be wired, until they figured out they weren't gonna get it (ongoing).
My third and final response was....you guessed it...an 'edit' of the original scammer email. It ain't politically correct. Then again, neither am I. First, we'll treat you to the 'edited' email that went back to the 'ambassador'. Then we'll be happy to share the diplomatic 'exchanges' that occurred between hisself, Ambassador Terrence P. McCulley, US ambassador to Nigeria..*wink*..and the irrepressible Ben Dover (next post):
2 Walter Carrington Crescent
Victoria Island, LagosNigeria.
My name, in case you're not clairvoyant, is Terence Patrick McCulley, the new United States Ambassador to the Federal Republic of Nigeria. If you are a clairvoyant, then you needn't read the rest of this crap. If you're not, then perhaps an introduction and explanation is in order here.
But enough of that horn-tooting. The real reason I'm writing to you is that following the resolution of the meeting held with His Excellency President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan at the Presidential Villa in Abuja yesterday with some members of the Federal House of Senate -- here in Nigeria, they found putting the two houses together made for better CSPAN ratings -- an agreement was reached that the sum of $500,000.00 USD must be paid out to you in the form of comfort compensation for all the years you have wasted in waiting for honest media and Democrats to surface in US politics. You dummy, you should have known better.
Meanwhile -- and this is the part that I like, 'cuz it's gonna get Mama a new whatever-she-wants so I can get laid -- a "Custom Clearance Certificate", which must be obtained from the Nigerian Customs Authority at a fee of $150.00 USD. Hence, the $150.00 dollar fee must be paid within 24 hours upon your receipt of this notification via western union or MoneyGram, so that I can get laid..The fee should be sent directly to the "Embassy Protocol Officer". You don't need his name; he knows who he is some of the time, usually when he's not sniffing glue.
Please take note that the "Custom Clearance Certificate" and Certified Check need to be packaged together inside the specially untreated cow anus sealed inside the (supposed to be) odor-proof U.S Embassy Official Envelope for immediate dIspatch to your mailing address.
Mr. Terence P. McCulley*
US Ambassador to Nigeria
* not really...I'm really a transvestite from Transvaal named Tugga Booga Boo, and I raise line-dancing crotch crickets for a living...they do lurve them that achy breaky heart sh**...
That didn't draw a response from either the *real* ambassador, or his Nigerian stand-ins. But in the next post, the *ambassador* -- or his Nigerian stand-ins -- show how hard they're ready to work for their *fees*...