A Bad Scam, A Worse Reply

"Is NOT!!!"

We'll let the readers be the judge, Seymour.

My pet rock, Seymour, occasionally likes to weigh in on scammers.  He also fancies hisself a bit of a lyricist, occasionally penning song parodies.

"Do NOT...they're ORIGINAL LYRICS!"

We'll let the readers be the judge of that as well, Seymour.

At any rate, got me another of those emails from an alleged member of the US Armed Forces overseas, who claims to have a large sum of money over in Iraq/Afghanistan/Detroit/et al, and needs my help in 'liberating' it.

Here's the email as I received it from "Monica Brown":

Dear Friend, I quite believe that you will be surprise to receive this letter.Well I don’t mean any harm rather I write to seek your assistance in a business transaction that will mutually benefit you and me.Before I proceed with my business proposal, I shall first of all disclose my identity to you. My names is Monica Brown, a sergeant in the US army, 25 years of age, single and never been married, my address is #3 Oak Drive, Lake Jackson, TX 77566 United States but right now I am currently serving in USA Victory Base Baghdad but was posted to work as Intelligence Agencies attached with United States of America Embassy Baghdad-Iraq. I made total sum of $6.5 Million US dollars which I have successfully moved out of Iraq to Swift Expert Company for Safe Keeping and to be use for investments with reliable and trusted foreign investor. The fund is oil business money I did with some Iraqi citizens worth over 42 million US dollars, but the $6.5 million US dollars stated is my share on the business and it’s legal. I have successfully moved the funds out of Iraq as family valuables with help of Expert Diplomatic Company. The most important thing is ''' Can We Trust each other? Am offering you 30% share of the total funds while we use the rest 70% for our investments.You have to take control of all investments and will be coming to meet with you later as soon as I have vacation but please I have more interest on real estate. Kindly indicate on your next mail if you are really interested to partner with me so i will provide to you more detail information on how we will move forward. Note that the whole process is very simple and we must keep a low profile at all times and i want all our communications to remain on emails for now.I look forward to your reply and co-operation.Kindly send me an email to my private email address (monicabwn@yahoo.com) My Regards, Sgt.Monica.

 

 

Even Seymour said that this one broke the "Bullshevik" meter.  And he wanted to play.

 

So what did Seymour have in mind?  Well...he noted that Monica's last name was "Brown".

 

*TOING*    And even I heard that one...it sounded like crackling sandstone.

 

"Did NOT!!!"

 

Sandee Clark is probably the only one that will get that...at any rate, Seymour suddenly demanded that I set him on a piece of paper and hook him up with a pen.

 

Having flexible scotch tape about, I was able to meet Seymour's request, so that Seymour could, in his words, "let the creative minerals flow" into a lyrical response to whom he began to refer to as "Mrs Brown".

 

The next *TOING* was mine, for I realized where Seymour was going with this...once again into ParodyLand.

 

"Did NOT!!!"

 

Really?  I'll bet even Seymour recognizes the folks in this picture:

 

 

"Uh....no".

Seymour, you just parodied a hit song of theirs from the '60s.

"Did NOT!!!"

Hokay...readers, you be the judge.  Here is the "lyrical response" that Seymour sent to "Sgt-Mrs Brown":

Sgt. Brown you've got a lousy scam here

 Sh*t as dumb as this is SOP

  But it's sad, you couldn't fool a cow

 I showed your scam to one and all it did was moo

Now you're pissed cuz I see what you sent me

 I'll tell you shove this stuff up your fat ass

 Things ain't changed, you've sent an inept scam

 This scam is proof enough, you're dumb as a tree stump

 

Lookin' about, yours is the worst scam here

folks pick it out

makes you look a ..."Mu-gu!"

 

Now you know you can't fool f**king no one

Take your 'stripes' and shove them up your ass

Things ain't changed, you've sent an inept scam

This scam is proof enough, you're dumb as a door knob

 

Lookin' about, yours is the worst scam here

folks pick it out

makes you look a ..."Mu-gu!"

 

Now you know you can't fool f**king no one

Take your 'stripes' and shove them up your ass

Things ain't changed, you've sent an inept scam

This scam is proof enough, you're dumb as a door knob

 

Sgt. Brown you've got a lousy scam here

Sgt. Brown you've got a lousy scam here

Sgt. Brown you've got a lousy scam here ... 

I reckon Herman's Hermits would recognize their own tune, don't you?

"Herman's Who?"

At any rate, Seymour did not get a reply from "Sgt" Monica Brown.

A ring up from the Hermit's attorney might be in the offing, though...

"Will NOT!!!  But get their autograph if they do..."

*TOING*

Scambait Gibberish - I

One objective of editing scammer emails, when the scammers sees what I dun and to whom it went  ;-)

For the next two scams I edited, I went with a mix of rambling gibberish and -- Seymour my pet rock liked this -- allowing Seymour some more of his lyrical prowess (or so he imagines it), as Seymour unknowingly channeled Donovan from 1968.

"Did NOT!!!"

Yeah you did, Seymour.

But let the readers be the judge, as they see what was done to another Burkina Faso/Bank of Africa "millions in deceased account" scam:


Subject: I HOPE CAN WORK GOOD!!!

 

With All Due Respect...a one anna two anna three...

 

 

Thrown like a sheep into my sleep
I am the fence and made to take a peep
To find cowboys lined up by the sea
and humping with tranquillity.
'Twas then when the Hurdy Gurdy Scam
Came 'mailing words of crap,
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Scam
Came 'mailing words....of scam.
Western Union, Western Union, Western Union us a fee.

Western Union, Western Union, Western Union us a fee.

Histories of scammers past
Unenlightened mugus cast
Down through all eternity
The bitching of humanity.
'Tis then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Comes kicking in your 'nads,
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Comes kicking in....your 'nads.
Western Union, Money Gram, or whatever gets us paid.
Cash and credit, Western Union, Money Grams all good.
Western Union, Money Gram, or whatever gets us paid.

Mugus Mugus, Mugus Mugus, Mugus Mugus we want you,
Here comes the roly poly scam it's seeking out mu-gus,
Roly poly, roly poly, roly poly, poly f**king scam.

 

Yes, I am trying out for Americans, I Dull!, and I am sure that singing this revised song

will get me much applaudits and stuffs throwd at me!

 

 

Seymour PetRock is gived my thanks for the lyrics.

 

 

But that's for later.

 

 

My adopted name is MRS AWA SULE; I was actually born

Billy Bob Thornton, but abandoned Hollyweird for the life of

a Third World goat-inseminating sufferagette of dubious genitals

and flatulence.  I need your urgent assistance in
transferring the total sum of 762 artificially inseminated goats 

immediately to your country, as long as you do not live next to    

Wyoming, where I am gived to understood that sheep do not

like cowboys bearing velcro gloves after a Saturday night at the

bar.

 

 

Meanwhile, it was very fortunate for me to come across the
idea for this email when I was arranging the old and abandoned

outhouse pit contents by state of decay.  A jobs I not recommends

unless you let me have yours.

 

 

Granted, goat herd exchanges of this size is not authorized by the rules

guiding our totally f**ked up country of Burkina Faso, so we needs to

do this under cover of my getting my chance on Americans, I Dull! 

 

 

That’s the reason I contacts you as a foreigner to apply for me to get

on that show and sing the song lyrics that Seymour PetRock sez will make

me infamous (he say that better than famous).  And I assure you that this

transaction, after this edit, is 100% risks free.

 

 

If you are a gullible asshat and douche nozzle, contact me and accept not to
change your mind to do what I'd do in your place:  cheat, or disappoint me.

 

 

Send to me your personals;
FullName:..............................................................
Address:.................................................................
Occupation.............................................................
Age.........................................................................
Last Time You Had Sex With A Mini-Cooper Exhaust Pipe.................................................
Telephone Number:...............................................
Country:................................................................

 

 

Please contact me back soonest or immediately, whichever is fastest or quicker.

 

I am waiting for your urgent response!!!
Thanks and remain a dumbass,
MRS AWA SULEmrs.awa.sule11@gmail.com

Neither Mrs Sule, her peers and colleagues, nor even Donovan have so far bothered to respond.  Seymour will be disppointed.

 

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

Or not....