Will You Accept A Collect Call From The Dead?

*From the Out of (cyber) Thin Air website archives -- originally released 10/96*

Doesn't that sound like the kind of question fittingly asked on All Hallows' Eve? Or if you're into things like the paranormal and reincarnation, perhaps you're one of those who would love to receive such a call.

The afterworld. Life beyond the grave. The supernatural. Subjects that inspire 'spirited' debate among theologians, paranormal researchers, astrologists and cynics. From 'back from the dead' experiences to haunted houses, reports of encounters with supernatural entities tend to have their supporters and their detractors. Watered down, those who 'believe', versus those who demand undeniable, absolute proof.

Perhaps maybe we finally have some?

From the archives of the Denver Post (fittingly enough the Halloween edition in 1995) comes an article by Bill Briggs entitled, In Touch With The Great Beyond. The story centers on a group of crackpo...uh...remarkable researchers and their work in the field of communications with the spirit world.

And vice versa.

One researcher interviewed by Briggs -- Mark Macy -- even has a book out, Conversations Beyond The Light (Griffin Books). In the book and article, Macy tells an incredib(ul)le story of a Latvian psychologist, one Konstantin Raudive, and his research into contacting and communicating with the dead. Raudive insists that the dead had, in fact, found a way to communicate with the living, using electronic and communications and entertainment devices we take for granted today.

Using a standard tape recorder, Raudive would find a place of quiet solitude and speak to departed friends and loved ones, asking them various questions. Later, in his lab, he would play back the tape, monitoring it for several hours, finding answers to all of his questions recorded thereon.

Raudive's research revealed that spirits need "white noise" -- like radio static -- which the spirits are able to "modulate into voice patterns strong enough to be captured on audio tape". Allegedly, Raudive collected over 75,000 voices in his years of research.

Macy then relates a telephone call he received from Raudive in 1994. As Macy tells it, he answered the phone and heard the distinctive voice of Raudive (whom he'd heard on audiotape many times, studying Raudive's work). Raudive told him "This is Konstantin Raudive. This is the first contact you get from us. We have succeeded in establishing a new bridge to the States. You are the first to be contacted by this means".

And with that, Macy says, the phone line went dead.

Apparently, literally: Konstantin Raudive died in 1974.

Since 1991, Macy claims to have been investigating and researching what is referred to as ITC: instrumental transcommunication. Through this means, Macy claims that he and other researchers have had 'conversations' with spirit beings who have learned how to use technology "on the other side", and have it communicate with our own modern-day technology.

Among the things Macy claims to have learned from the other side, is the existence of a place called Marduk -- a place we might refer to as Heaven. Marduk is a planet with three suns that has nothing to do with Fred MacMurray, located in the Third Astral plane, another physical dimension that shares space with our own. And life on Marduk is better than any Club Med: residents of Marduk average the age of 30 (as we measure it here). Physical anomalies as we know them don't exist there; but all of the human pleasures do, including sex.

In short, Kevin Costner, it isn't Heaven or Iowa: it's Marduk.

To believers, it sounds awesome; to skeptics, "yeah, whatever".

As for me, I'm open to reasoned arguments about almost anything except for the viability of sauer kraut as edible and Bill Clinton being ethical; but I found the claims by Macy to be a bit much to accept at face value. So first, I attended an ITC event at a local hotel last November 1995; interesting, but not totally convincing.

So I followed up with a phone call to Mr. Macy (1-900-SPIRITD...not really the number, but it fit the theme) to get more information. The following is a transcript of the conversation I had with one of Mr. Macy's associates (herein referred to as PC, Person Contacted):

PC: Hello?

Me: I'm calling to speak to Mr. Macy. Is he available?

PC: I'm sorry, Bill is not available just now. Can I help you?

Me: Perhaps you can...you are who?

PC: Albert, but you can call me Al.

Me: Fine, Al. What exactly do you do for Mr. Macy?

PC: I occasionally do research work in conjunction with Bill and his associates.

Me: So...you're pretty familiar with the work Bill and his associates do. What are your thoughts on it?

PC: It's fascinating and very illuminating, I must say. I had often pondered such things myself years ago, but never got around to spending much quality time on it. Now I have the liberty to do so, and I am happy to say I'm learning more and more.

Me: So you're a scientist?

PC: *chuckle*..I've been known to dabble in a bit of assorted theories, relatively-speaking.

Me: Al, level with me: have you, Macy and the others actually found demonstratable evidence of the existence of the afterworld and a communications link to it?

PC: Indeed we have. Granted, what we refer to as 'demonstratable' evidence may not be so in the conventional sense to cynics, but to the open mind, we have found and compiled what we know to be not only evidence of the afterworld, but ways and means for that world and the physical world to communicate.

Me: You say your evidence is more definitive to the open mind, as opposed to that of a cynic. How so?

PC: The average man tends to believe only in what he can touch, feel, see, sense, and explain within the framework of his own established standards of reality and accepted sciences. His limited knowledge fails to comprehend or take into account the idea of other realms, or vastly differen and as yet undiscovered laws of Nature and physics that he can't as easily touch, feel, see or sense. Man is singularly naive in making assumptions that he knows what the laws of physics are, since he knows at this point only that which he has been able to see, test and prove, and explain in his terms of understanding. Believe me, the cosmos have bared but a fraction of it's complex nature and dynamics to Mankind. Even we are barely beginning to grasp a whole new reality-dynamic with the ITC project.

Me: So...you support the theory that Macy espouses, including the existence of this Marduk place on a parallel dimension with our own?

PC: Absolutely.

Me: Al, your positive assertions aside, nothing sells like tangible, "show me" proof.

PC: I was once of that mindset too. I know better now. Just as my friend Isaac has come to re-examine some of his own theories in the dawn of new enlightenment, opening the mind to possibilities beyond the horizon of what you see, and new dimensions of thought and rationale are potentially infinite.

Me: That's fine rhetoric for a sci-fi seminar Al, but it still doesn't get to the point that documented proof of what Macy, you and your associates are claiming, is at best debatable.

PC: The proof we have, as you refer to it, is in abundance. The openess of the mind to receive and assimilate it is the key to grasping that beyond the merely "I can pick this up and feel it, therefore it is" mentality that limits your grasp of the evidence. The open mind is prerequisite to being able to receive and understand communications between where you are and I am.

Me: I still am having an issue with...uh...what did you mean by "where you are?"

PC: That's just a figure of speech. I really must be going now. Thank you for the interesting conversation. Try Mark another time.

Me: Well thank you for your time, Al. For my column, can I have your last name?

PC: Einstein. Bye now.

Me: Thank yo....say WHO? Whoa, don't hang u...*click*

I tried to call the number back without success, so I tried having a US West operator connect me; she informed me that the number I gave her didn't exist.

*Theme music from whatever sci-fi show you choose*

So...believe or not what you want from this, but one thing's certain: if that number doesn't exist, the call to it hadn't better show up on my phone bill. Can you imagine the potential charge for a direct dial inter-dimensional long distance phone call?

Ewwwwwww.

A Little This A Little That

So much to write about, so little motivation to do it.

It's snowing...predicted to be the first major storm of the season. Then again, the day before, we had record high temperatures near 80 degrees. So this storm will be akin to spit in the ocean. But the skiers are loving it. AlGore, not so much.

Occupy Wherever continues to generate brilliance and character from the left side of the aisle. Rock and bottle throwing in Oakland. An LA protester who wants to run all the Jews out of the US...another who thinks that if we were like North Korea (satellite photo above; repressive communist North Korea is the dark one, the booming capitalist South Korea is the lit-up one), we'd all have jobs and be happy and well-fed. Allegedly educated college students who want everything handed to them because they "deserve it" (proof that dumbed down education is alive and well on college campi). And the complaints from within various "Occupy" locations, of fellow travellers stealing from one another.

Heck, they're only taking socialist teachings of Marx, Lenin, Mao, Alinsky et al, to heart: to paraphrase it, "from those who have, to those who haven't". There should be no complaints about that from within; the Occupiers are supposed to be all about communal property and what not, right?

They are. Until their not the property pilferer, and the property pilfered is theirs. Ha.

Gaddafi is hosed, and some UN types have their panties in a wad over how he got dead. Hello...he got shot. That happens in violent overthrows. Any other questions? Appoint some more panels to study what's obvious to a second grade class in a charter school, and waste some more money, UN. That seems to be what you're best at.

Turkey had a major earthquake. It won't get much mention in the news -- a libtard local talk show host (David Sirota) would rather highlight a stupid study by a stupid college professor that stupidly claims that MLB umpires are racist against minority pitchers -- but the US Military and other volunteer groups will be there with money, materials and man power, doing what this great nation always does in times of disaster somewhere.

And yes, I can't help but notice the Republican candidates on debate after debate, doing a better job to chewing each other up than focusing on what really matters. Some interesting characters up there, but it has the feel that the 'establishment' that gave us Bob Dole and John McCain, will probably wind up giving us another "go along to get along" spineless dolt, rather than someone who's got some heart, conviction and courage to take a strong stand against the current hypocrisy. What hypocrisy is that, you might ask? The hypocrisy of campaigning against Wall Street and the rich, ginning up racial and economic class warfare, while going to the evil corporations, Wall Street and the rich with hat in hand for campaign cash, and giving them sweet taxpayer handouts under the guise of 'stimulus' that hasn't resulted in real job growth where it really matters.

Can you say "Solyndra"? PMSNBC and the White House would rather you didn't. Instead, they'd rather tell adoring crowds that Republicans, if elected, will dirty the air, water, starve children and throw old folks out into the streets.

And again, dumbed down education will let some sheeples buy into that.

A hotel in Nashville cancels a counterterrorism conference because of threats from -- sooprise, sooprise -- radical Islamists. Last time I looked, Nashville was in Tennessee. Not Iran. Unless Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have arranged some kind of a funky land-for-debt swap between them, China and Iran, that PMSNBC purposely overlooked as well.

The US Constitution and Bill of Rights is not written in Sharia. At least, not yet.

But that's not important to the lame stream media. It's more important to explain racist MLB umpires applying unfair strike zones to minority pitchers. Without explaining how a racist MLB umpire handles his racism when the batter is ALSO a minority.

Details, details.

Yeah, I know...I sound like a heartless, mean-spirited conservative. Well, I hear that 92 year old Andy Rooney is in the hospital. I wish him well and a full recovery.

So there.

On top of that, an anonymous 'troll' has demanded that I shut down my blog.

If my pet rock, Seymour, were capable of it, he'd reply in a manner that the 'troll' would understand. But the poor pet rock hasn't yet figured out how to flip a bird.

I suggested to Seymour that it takes stealth, a quick branch tweak, and an unprepared, unsuspecting avian.

Seymour's still giving me "WTF?" looks for that.

Yeah, I know...this wasn't a funny blog entry. Not everything always is. Certainly not according to the 'troll'.

So I'll attempt to end it on a funny note: if a racist MLB umpire is behind the plate, Jibaldo Jimenez (hispanic) is pitching and Derek Jeter (black) is at bat, how does this racist MLB umpire work out the conundrum of a slider catching the outside edge of the plate?

He puts the game in rain delay, ejects both managers, and craps on the hood of the MLB commissioner's car, on his way to take up drum banging at Occupy Toledo.

Okay, so I didn't guarantee that you'd find it funny...

But you got your money's worth ;-)

Seymour "Writes" Again...

My pet rock, Seymour, is still on extended holiday in Loveland, Colorado. But that hasn't stopped him from making use of my sister's music system to continue his 'career' of hijacking and parodying song lyrics.

"Do NOT!"

You be the judge.

Seymour recently completed lyrics to two songs that he says are "sure fire HITS!". After perusing them, I find that Seymour is right.

And wrong.

"Am NOT!"

Seymour's first "sure fire HIT" is very, VERY reminiscent of the 1970s, and a song by Lynryd Skynyrd, one known the world over as "Free Bird". But not the way Seymour parodied it.

"Did NOT!"

Really, Seymour? You really think a song entitled Free Turd is going to climb the charts?

*Pet rock in petulant pout mode*

But it gets worse.

"Does NOT!!"

Seymour -- in his infinite wisdom -- created a song he says will sweep dance clubs the world over, "especially when they catch my unique lyrics!".

I carefully perused Seymour's "unique lyrics". And it didn't take me long to find where Seymour pirated the idea for this "chart topper": from the 1980s.

"Did NOT!!"

If you've ever heard of a group called the Romantics, recall a song from the 1980s, Talking In Your Sleep. Now that you've recalled it, prepare to have it forever after corrupted, Seymour-style.

"Will NOT!!!"

You be the judge:

From Seymour the Pet Rock Writes Again...

Farting In Your Sleep

When the day is done

and it's time to sleep..eep..eep

And it's down to the sound

of a floor creak

I can guess the things

that you've eaten to-day..ay..ay

When your tummy opens fire

and the gas goes weee-ayyyy...

You pass a chimi-changa

You pass a pas-ta sal-ad

and a bowl of onion so-up

and I know that I'm right

cuz I smell it every ni-ight..

I hear the flatulence you sneak

when you're farting in your sleep

I dread the methane that you seep

when you're farting in your sleep

I have tried to hold you close at ni-ight

It's kinda like sleeping in a...firefight...

And all the fuel that you put inside

You're generating flatus

that you just can't hide...

You pass a large bur-ri-to

and garlic rigo-toni

and don't forget the hot wings..

and I know that I'm right

cuz I'm pummeled every ni-ight...

I fear the flatulence you sneak

when you're farting in your sleep

I hear the methane that you seep

when you're farting in your sleep

I hear the flatulence you sneak

when you're farting in your sleep

I fear the methane that you seep

when you're farting in your sleep

When you close your eyes

and you cock a cheek

the coming night's miasma ain't a...mystery..

You pass a Hostess Twinkie

a double bacon bur-ger

a platter of lingui-ni

it'll be a long night

cuz I'm mired in it's bi-yte...

I fear the flatulence you sneak

when you're farting in your sleep

I hear the paint peelers you seep

when you're farting in your sleep

the dog can't stand the flatulence you sneak

when you're farting in your sleep

the neighbors, from their windows leap

when you're farting in your sleep..

"Pretty catchy, huh?"

Seymour, the EPA will be around to talk to you, after ASCAP and Weird Al...

"Will NOT!!! Uh...who?"

Tea Time

There has always been a simmering disagreement across the "pond" regarding the Boston Tea Party of 1773, the eventual "defeat" of the British at Yorktown, and how it led to the colonists "winning their independence" from the Crown.

Now with 'Occupy Wall Street', the undefeated "Royalists" of the group "Yorktown Our Arse", are coming to reclaim that of the 13 colonies that they contend was never formally given up by the UK.

Leader of the group -- Brigadier Sir Willingham Torrence Falstaff Banger VIII -- contends that "the bloomin' Declaration of Independence was bloody misinterpreted", and that "the Crown reasserts it's sovereign control over the Colonies, so's we can collect overdue tariffs and taxes, retro-bloomin' active from 1776 to bloody date".

Brigadier Sir W.T.F. Banger VIII insists that "it's needed to pay off the bloomin' debts for the last royal wedding", among other costs.

"See here, Yank", the Brigadier told this blogger's pet rock, Seymour, in an exclusive interview, "besides owing us for your bloomin' Boston Tea Party, which was a whacking great sacrilegious waste of bloody good tea, you owe us for 235 years of the bloody misconception that you argued then, and haven't bloomin' proved whatsoever since".

Seymour: And what was this, uh, "bloody misconception" that you claim the 'colonies' hasn't proved since 1776?

Brigadier WTF Banger VIII: The bloody notion that "taxation without representation is tyranny". Great bloomin' crikey! Look what taxation WITH representation has bloody brought you to!

Seymour: uhhhhh.....*rock hit over the head look*

Brigadier W.T.F Banger VIII expects his troops -- clad in the uniforms of the day to reinforce the notion that they didn't lose the 'Revolution' after all -- to have no problems re-asserting control in New York City or Boston; "we'll just mix with those bloomin' wankers in the OWS cock up, and since we have guns that they don't bloody believe in having...it'll be a bleedin' snap!, by crikey!".

Developing*....

* in the mind of a very warped pet rock...I think..."am NOT!!!"

Oh Hell...

Everyone else is in Denver, on this subject...so I might as well throw my 2 cents in, adjusted for inflation to squat.

Denver has an AFC West team. Y'all knowd that. Denver won two Super Bowls at the end of the John Elway era. Y'all knowd that.

Since then, Denver has muddled along with less than stellar QBs at the helm. Y'all would be wise to view that statement as subjective. My subjective.

Everyone thought that Mike Shanahan had drafted the next QB messiah, when he got Jay Cutler from Vanderbilt. Cutler showed flashes of brilliance. And immaturity.

So had Elway in his early years.

But the team's fortunes ebbed, and the fans demanded a change. Shanahan was fired. And a surprise blew into town: a 33 year old offensive coordinator for New England, Josh McDaniels.

His age and inexperience, versus his apparently productive tenure under Bill Belichek, were hot topics of discussion. To compound things (or not), he and Cutler were like mixing gas fumes and a lit match. Both behaved badly, and the pouting, immature-acting Cutler went to Chicago, with Kyle Orton coming to Denver.

Chicago was thrilled. Denver was dubious.

Until, in the 2009 season, Denver had a 6-0 start. Suddenly, it was King Josh, Prince Kyle and Jay who?

Denver went into their bye week 6-1. Then came out of it, and along with the 'bye' week went Denver's winning ways. They finished 8-8, after starting 6-0.

The "WTF?"s that had begun with McDaniels' hiring -- and were momentarily silenced after a 6-0 start -- began anew.

2010 began, and the good ship Broncos was further rocked by another quality-athlete-turned-petulant-child, aka Brandon Marshall, leaving for Miami. Eh. Receiver Brandon Lloyd was more than ready to step up. What was more, with a great opportunity in the draft, McDaniels surprised a lot of folks by picking, as Denver's number 1 choice, Florida QB Tim Tebow.

A Heisman winner. A national champion x2 winner. Another messiah according to some; vastly overrated and incapable of being an NFL QB according to others.

But the team had Kyle Orton, described as "adequate" by some analysts. And on top of that, Denver had acquired in the off season, another QB of unachieved (so far) promise and question, Brady Quinn, from Cleveland.

But Orton was the man going into the 2010 season.

And Denver went phffft. A spotty, sputtering offense, unspecial teams play, and a defense that was in name only, left Denver 3-13.

Even before the campaign had ended, poignant fan reaction led to the early departure of McDaniels, and the postseason acquisition of John Fox, formerly of the sputtering Carolina Panthers.

Thanks to the 2011 preseason lock out, lots of mysteries were left Fox & Co. But once training camp began, it became apparent that Fox was determined to go with the QB "who gives us the best chance to win": Kyle Orton.

Orton's two year record as a starter in Denver did not suggest this; but Fox is the coach, and that was that.

Now Denver -- in Orton's third season here -- is 1-4 going into the bye week. In the last game, with Denver's offense anemic and lifeless against San Diego, Fox bowed to whatever he chose to bow to (fan pressure, Orton's uninspired, lackluster play, a fortune cookie, a kick in the pants from above, a mystic pelican paperweight), and substituted Tim Tebow in the second half.

And Denver came within an incomplete pass (and some argue a missed pass interference penalty in the end zone) of winning an exciting, almost comeback game.

Denver returns after their bye week with a road game to another team having a woeful season, Miami. A team that almost traded for Orton before the season began. Fans and many analysts expect (and demand) that Tebow be the starter for the balance of the season, so the team can see just what he's got.

John Fox announced, during the bye week, that at least for now, the fans and analysts will get what they want: Tebow is the starter in Miami.

Meantime, with all the trials and tribulations -- and among those who are NOT rabid Tim Tebow fans -- there are eyes on Denver's record for the remaining 11 games, with an eye on next year's draft, and Stanford QB phenom Andrew Luck.

Anyway, that's the way of things here in Denver.

Now for my two cents: Orton is as inspiring as a porcupine enema. Adequate he may be as a QB, but not in the system here. Trade him to a team that has a sound offensive line that can hold a pocket for an immobile QB, has an established running game and a stout defense, and Kyle Orton will be "adequate".

Give the balance of the season to Tebow. Let him prove he is the "messiah" his fans claim and his critics deny. It's time to see what his draft choice was worth.

And Denver Broncos front office/coaching staff? Call it what it is: a rebuilding phase. To deny that is, to deny there's wind in a tornado or that a fart in an elevator is not gnarly.

If Tebow can show leadership and skills as a field general that the team and fans can gel around, then Fox 'n Company can begin to build a team around him (just as Shanahan did around Elway, resulting in two Super Bowl wins). If he can't, and the losses keep coming...(a) the fans will be answered (well, all but the most rabid pro-Tebow of them will), and (b) Denver can see if their woeful record is woeful enough for the....you knew this was coming....

Luck of the draft.

*ducking boos and throwd fantasy football QB ratings cards*

The Stand (Off)

Night shift work has pluses and minuses.

The pluses I'll figure out another day, perhaps before I die.

It's what's happening on my homefront while I'm working that's now front and centah.

Y'all know my travails in the kitchen. I'm not nicknamed "Chef Boy-R-Deestructive" for nothing. My smoke detectors tremble and shriek if I get within 10 feet of the kitchen.

But now, they have sought and found allies against the 'evil' Chef Boy-R-Deestructive. Yeah, that's me. And I believe that the genesis of their growing alliance against and resistance to my culinary con carnage, is thanks to that youngster who stole my name to make bad movies that I'd get blamed for, along with my ambitious, plagiarizing pet
rock.

In the case of the former, I cite the example, Pearl Harbor. And more recently, Transformers I-III. I sure hope that the dingbat from Ohio that left me a series of "I want a part in your next movie" messages back a few years ago has since found his number, but I digress.

I came home from a particularly arduous night shift the other morning, to find a badly-scrawled note taped to my bedroom door. I knew it wasn't from my pet rock, Seymour, because he's still either riding horses in Loveland or stuck in a time travel loop in the Jurassic era. And it was posted higher on the door than Seymour could reach. Yet, it had a Seymour-esque aire to it.

The note read -- in stilted, dumbed-down education grammar -- "Wi r on 2 u -- thuh citchin".

I made a note to leave a testy message with the property maintenance folks about their sense of humor, and went to bed.

Hours later, I arose to find yet another note -- in similar dysyntax -- taped to my door. This one said "hour armee grose. u wil loos. thuh citchin".

I didn't think it possible for a flash mob from the District of Columbia school district to be invading my flat while I was comatose, to leave me their notion of a valedictorian address on my door. No, this was something else. And in the absence of my pet rock, it had the sense of something more ludicrously nefarious.

That's when I noticed my computer was on. And online. And I never leave it on when I go to bed.

*Horror movie organ salvo*

In checking my email, I found a new email that I hadn't yet read. But someone -- or thing -- else had. The email was from Seymour, under my sister's address. It was long. Verbose. It was an idea for a "never before thunk up" movie idea. Which means that Seymour has seen or heard something yet again, and is pirating the idea for his own silly aspirations.

"Am NOT!!!"

Seymour apparently saw one or more of the movies made by that director who stole my name, so he could shift some criticism for some of his bad movies to me. Namely, Seymour apparently saw something from the Transformer trilogy.

So he apparently wrote a badly-pirated version of one or more of them, and sent it to my computer email. And someone -- or thing -- read it.

It wasn't long for me to find out the who and/or what, simply by reading the email's theme: Transformers IV -- Last Stand Against The Culinary Barbarian.

Yes, you read that right, just as I did. Seymour has urged my kitchen to rise up against and defeat me. With me depicted as the "evil" Chef Boy-R-Deestructive. And "them" as a combining of farces previously known in Transformerdom as "Autobots" and "Decepticons", now to be knowd as The KitchenBot Alliance.

I may have to send Seymour to Califorlornia for his next junket, and suggest to Sandee that Seymour learn how to 'dive' off the back of her yacht. Well out to sea.

At any rate...a significant portion of my kitchen has taken Seymour's pirated script writing to heart, and has drawn a line in the linoleum. My smoke detectors are eagerly aboard. So is my oven. In the past couple of hours, my microwave and coffee pot have apparently aligned themselves with the KBA, with my lean mean grilling machine, toaster, crockpot and refrigerator are showing similar inclinations. Even my dishwasher is sympathetic to their cause.

Not that I've ever tried to cook anything in there; but it does have the oft-times gnarly task of trying to salvage what's left of my cookware from my culinary con carnage.

I know my computer has expressed some degree of passive support for the KBA, in so far as passing of messages between them and Seymour. On the other hand and so far, my washer and dryer are maintaining an air of neutrality since I've never tried to cook anything in either one of them. And I have the can opener on my side, though it's having to cower in the corner, sharing as it does counterspace with the microwave and coffee pot.

It doesn't like being called an "appliance traitor". I think the KBA is borrowing drivel points from Occupy Wall Street.

Of course, me being the "evil" Chef Boy-R-Deestructive, I'm not tipping my hand as to one of my two ultimate "doomsday" weapons that could quickly and effectively defeat the KBA. One of which the KBA knows of, but hasn't as yet figured out how to thwart or co-opt. The greatest kitchen implement that was ever invented: the telephone, to call for delivery.

But it's my other ultimate "doomsday" weapon that my rebellious foe(s) should fear, for they have no effective way to thwart or co-opt my "nuclear option".

One *pop* of the "citchin" breaker switch, and the Rebellion is ovah. Darth Chef Boy-R-Deestructive remains the Mastah of Culinary Disastah.

Seymour didn't think of that. And since I've seen how Seymour wields a golf putter, a jedi knight with a light saber not to be feared is he, hmmmm.

"Phffffftttt!!!!"

April Fools In October

*Warning: Personal Opinion Upcoming*

The first time I saw televised images of "Occupied Wall Street", I was convinced that the South Park (Trey Parker 'n Matt Stone) duo had gone ahead and done a follow up to Team America: World Police.

The sound bytes from the news report sounded just like quotes from some of the Hollyweird marrionettes in the aforementioned movie ("Evil corporations are so...so...corporationy"). When one protester was asked why he was mad at corporations, his brilliant, MENSAesque response was "because they have all the money and won't give me any!"

Whether you view his opinion as a legitimate beef, or dependency/entitlement mentality run amok, well...wherever you fall on the spectrum, there are more than a few folks in today's society that agree with those protesting on Wall Street and in other locations around the country, including in Denver.

I won't argue that there are some things amiss in today's society. Our constitutional representative republic isn't perfect. No system is or ever can be, so long as Man has individuality, independence of spirit, and runs the gamut from allowing those traits to grow like flowers, to trying to control every last thought, word and action.

But I wouldn't trade our form of governance, with all its faults, for any other I'm aware of on this planet. Certainly not one that tries to beat, intimidate, or make illegal, individuality and independence of spirit ... like forms of socialism, communism and theocracy do. And I certainly wouldn't trade it for what some among these "Occupiers" are demanding.

Just so's you know: I am not rich. Never even been close. Never made more than a middle 5 figure income at any given time, and not making that much at present. Certainly not $20 an hour. But I can pay my bills as long as I keep them in check....(some pun kinda intended). And I don't own or run an "evil" corporation. I do work for a corporation...whether it's evil or not, I guess would depend on if you agree with the protesters about corporations in general, or at least try to sort them in some subjective way.

On a website supporting the Occupy Wall Street protests, a "Proposed List of Demands" is published from one of the protesters. The site itself cautions that this list "is not an official list of demands".

Which is good, because if it were....only the lamestream media and those affected by long term exposure to dumbed down education, would think to take demands like these seriously.

Among the things at least one Occupy Wall Street protester demands "right now":

- a minimum wage of $20 an hour
- a single payer health care system which outlaws all private insurance companies
- a guaranteed living wage, even for the unemployed
- free college education
- completely open borders and no citizenship requirements
- an end to the fossil fuel economy
- 1 trillion dollars -- "right now" -- spent on infrastructure
- 1 trillion dollars -- "right now" -- spent on ecology, to include removal of dams and
nuke power plants
- no restrictions on unionizing employers
- forgiveness of all debt -- "right now" -- regardless of from whenst it is owed.

Now, for those who have come to believe in "entitlements" and have grown dependent upon government assistance, I'm sure a lot of these things sound just peachy. Funnier still...while the website folks at Occupy Wall Street are quick to deny that these are an official "list of demands", there's no doubt that there are plenty of folks therein who agree in part -- possibly in large part -- with these demands, which is why they got a page of their own on the Occupy Wall Street webpage.

How these things will be paid for and sustained, as demanded, isn't laid out by the submitter of the demands. Perhaps he thinks that the president can simply "take it from his stash". But more likely, the protester -- and others like him -- believe that "evil corporations" have all this money that's really ours, and they need to just "give it to us" to make things fair and equitable for all of society.

I seemed to have missed that part when I took economics some years ago. Musta not been paying attention when those things were being taught. Or maybe I was just spared exposure to a Marxist-oriented professor during my college days.

For those of you who've read much of this blog, you know I'm not very supportive of progressive tomfoolery, as so much of this choreographed, paid-for-by-unions-and-others "flash mob" nonsense, truly is. I don't buy into the 'class warfare' that our president is actively, shamelessly advocating. I know better than to think that soaking the rich of more and more taxes will alleviate all of society's ills; such a marxian dream will only lead to more economic downturn and misery, not less.

If the Left could attain what they claim they want, the rich elites therein will be perfectly content to tell the rest of us how to live, think, and depend upon them. A good number of the Left's "foot soldiers" -- on silly display in the news media -- would find that, in the words of a song by The Who -- "they just been fooled again". Lenin referred to them as "useful idiots".

And that's what Occupy Wall Street, and all of its offshoots, are.

Yo Ho Ho

It's been a slow news week for Yahoo News. But they ran this, anyway:

Iranian Navy May Threaten U.S. East Coast

The US Navy has a new threat coming its way, and this time it will be right off the US Atlantic coast.

If that hasn't got you quaking...with laughter...wait until you read this bloviation: The head of the Iranian Navy, Rear Admiral Habibollah Sayyari, told official news agency IRNA that "Iran expects to deploy ships off the coast of the US".

The rest of the story -- after the 'grab you by the lapels' start -- pretty much dismisses the 'threat' as "baseless propaganda from the Islamic Republic".

Duh. Ya think?

But hey: after Ahmadinejad fell pretty much face-first into his cous cous with his empty UN bloviations, and even pissed off al-Qaeda in the process, someone there had to try to one-up him in making stupid, unsustainable threats that don't amount to a can of Spam.

So, Rear Admiral Habbibollah "Yosemite Sam" Sayyari, I say bring it on. The US Navy could use some live fire exercise practice in sinking something worth little more than an empty hulk.

Assuming, that is, that any of the Iranian Navy can find its way into the open sea, without foundering.

Whatever arrives, might be just enough to whet the appetite of the weapons crew of one US frigate.

Serious Funny

The topic here today is serious.

And funny.

How much of each is subjective.

Iran is serious. It's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is funny. Iran is serious about what it wants in the Middle East. Europe. Here.

When Ahmadinejad speaks before the UN, he's funny. Albeit abysmally stupid. But funny.

Well, during Ahmadinejad's latest stand-up routine before the comedic UN on September 22, 2011, the usual countries walked out. Those countries could have chosen to heckle a bad routine, pelt the moron with old shoes or other appropriate-to-throw items, but they chose to walk out. They took his bad, factually dysfunctional routine, seriously.

After it was over -- with the same well-worn lies and hysterical distortions, repeated before by this abysmally bad political comedian on the world stage left -- Ahmadinejad had one more scathing critique of his stand up routine.

From al-Qaeda.

That's funny.

Seems that al-Qaeda doesn't like having credit for 9/11/01 being taken away from them, and given to George W. Bush. And giving credit to a politican that the Left always insisted was stupid -- for pulling off something diabolical for devious ends, something they claim he wasn't smart enough to do, yet the really whacked out amongst them insist that he did -- that's a hallmark of really bad political comedians on the world stage left, from Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez, to the real morons of Moron.org and the Daily Kos.

That's been Ahmadinejad's schtick for some time now. Ahmadinejad is apparently jealous of the comedic popularity of Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and his amusing creator, Jeff Dunham. Ahmadinejad, in his efforts to catch up, takes 9/11 conspiracy theorists -- too burnt out on meth and crack cocaine to have a grasp of reality -- as serious.

And al-Qaeda doesn't think that's funny.

But I do.

So while Ahmadinejad joins a drunken Mel Gibson in Holocaust denial -- which isn't funny to Holocaust survivors -- he is shredded by historians who know better. Which is funny, since Ahmadinejad is taken seriously by fewer and fewer folks, every day.

That's serious for him. It's funny to me.

And now he adds to his critics, a group who heretofore took serious some of his "Great Satan" rhetoric: al-Qaeda.

Ahmadinejad should take that condemnation serious.

And that's funny.