Worse Than Thought

I hate to have to say this; I really do.

Al Gore might actually be right.

Al Gore might be right about human activity being the single biggest contributor to global warming. In fact, it might even be worse than Al Gore recently reported to Congress, and in his scareumentary, An Inconvenient Goof.

According to several studies by a variety of astronomers and other galactic researchers, scientific data from around the Solar System indicates that Mars, Jupiter, Jupiter's moon Triton and even the demoted Pluto are experiencing global warming, and have been since at least '02, if not earlier.

I didn't know they had problems with cow and termite flatulence, CFCs from overrun A/C, emissions from coal burning plants and gas guzzling internal combustion engines. They probably should have been warned as well about the hazards of too many fiber-rich foods on the buffet line, and what would result from the overabundance of same in the diet.

We should have warned them. Er...Dubya should have warned them.

If this is all true, then Dubya's administration has been keeping it from us, along with the presence of ET and what they really found down in Roswell back in '47.

Bastards. Tell Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi that instead of something substantive -- who has time for that -- we need more supoenas.

Or, if by some reasonable chance the aforementioned planets don't have greenhouse gas-generating SUVs and fireplaces going all over the place....then how can they be warming up in the same manner that we allegedly are?

Perhaps it's on account of being denied access to the Kyoto Protocols? Perhaps it's simply that we didn't tell the denizens of said planets about these planet-saving protocols, and now they're having the same problem with hot air* that we are.

Or, perhaps it has to do with the presence of, or fly-bys of, human-built space craft and surface explorers, bringing along with them our propensity for being practically the single and definitive source of global warming, as claimed by Al Gore & Co.

What conclusion can one draw from such revelations? Well, if you adhere to the Gore & Co. theory, the answer is obvious: it's Dubya's fault.

Bastard. Dubya and his Big Oil buddies. Trickie Dick Cheney and his Halliburton homeboys. And it all has the smell of Karl Rove intertwined around it. If it's bad, Karl Rove has to have had a part in it. If the Huffington Post blog hasn't yet said so, it will.

And it has to be so. After all, wasn't it humans who, in 2006, decided on their own -- and with no consultation with life forms living there -- to demote Pluto to subplanetary status? Ironically or not, in 2002, global warming was reportedly discovered on Pluto. The planetary demotion followed a mere four years later.

Who was in the White House when this odious demotion took place? Dubya. He and that evil incarnate subordinate Rove, who talked him into gerrymandering the Pluto demotion, to duck the truth: Dubya's terrestrial environmental policies led to global warming on Pluto. And Jupiter's moon, Triton. And Jupiter. And Mars.

Bastard.

Granted, the report said nothing about global warming taking place on Mercury or Venus; in the case of Mercury, what difference could 2-12 degrees farenheit make there? Nor did it mention Saturn's rings being fried like onions. It curiously left out any mention of Neptune, which should be less offended now that Pluto's orbit-by farting on Neptune got it demoted from planetary status.

And apparently no one wants to think or talk about things getting warmer on Uranus.

Granted, there are some astronomers, scientists and enviros that suggest the Sun and it's cycles of solar activity have much to do with climatological changes, both here and celestially abroad.

But Al Gore's 'universal consensus' denies this. Therefore, he must be right. His powers of observation are just better than the rest of us. Remember the Buddhist temple he didn't know he was fund-raising in?

So we better get off the stick and send emissaries to the suffering planets to get them as signatories on the Kyoto Protocols, and fast. And we'd better tell Dubya to quit sending our human problems out into the cosmos, ruining the environment there, as we do here every day that we live, breathe, flush or fart. Because the truth is out. There's no denying it now: our planetary problem is no longer confined to our planetary sphere. We humans are wrecking our Solar System.

Otherwise...well, imagining the apocalypse that Al Gore says is coming for us in just a few years, just extrapolate that out for a planet the size of Mars. That poor little bugger in the photo (top right) doesn't deserve to have his world ruined by human activity millions of miles away.

And if it does come to that, he at least deserves to know it's Dubya's fault.

* of course, our center of hot air -- Washington, DC -- might have equivalents on each of these particular planets. But Dubya isn't telling us about them, either...

An Inconvenient Scam -- Part II

Carbon offset this.

In Part I, I provided you with the 'pitch' I sent to an email scammer to get off the tired old scam band wagon that so many of his unimaginative Nigerian fellows ride, and jump on the new trendy fad of the Western enviros: carbon offsets to achieve carbon neutrality in ones' lifestyle. In short, a way to bullsh** everyone stupid enough to buy it that you can have your life style cake and pay for someone else to offset it, too.

This hyar is the letter I re-wrote for the good Reverend John Morgan, in which I carbon updated for his use in a new trendy fad manure with all those potentially scammable persons who love a good and unproven environmental cause to throw money at in the name of...something:

From: revjohnmorgan125@yahoo.es

Subject: CARBON OFFSET PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS

INTERNATIONAL CARBON NEUTRALITY CREATORS, UN-INC.

ATTENTION HONOURABLE GLOBAL BENEFICIARY:

YOU ARE IDENTIFIED BY YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT AS A DETRIMENT TO THE ENVIRONMENT, AND A NET PRODUCER OF GREENHOUSE GASES. IN TIME, YOU WILL DESTROY OUR PLANET.

BUT NOT IF YOU ACT NOW. AND WE ARE THE VEHICLE BY WHICH YOU CAN AND MUST ACT NOW.

THIS IS TO OFFICIALLY INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE VERIFIED YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT ON OUR BESIEGED PLANET, AND HAVE DETERMINED THAT YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO RECEIVE FROM US CARBON OFFSET CREDITS TO HELP YOU TO ACHIEVE THE VALUED STATUS OF "CARBON NEUTRAL" AND TRUE FRIEND OF THE GLOBAL ENVIRONMENT.

WE ARE A UNITED NATIONS-RECOGNIZED CORPORATION DEDICATED TO THE PRESERVATION OF GLOBAL CLIMATOLOGICAL STATUS QUO ANTE EMM, AND WE HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOU TO MAKE YOUR CARBON OFFSETS PAYMENT THROUGH 100% SECURE AND TOTALLY LEGAL MEANS.

WITH THE INFORMATION YOU PROVIDE TO US FOR TO ARRANGE THE MODALITIES AND OTHER NECESSITIES TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS GIVEN YOU WORK FOR US, WE WILL SEND YOU A SPECIAL CARBON OFFSET CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENCITY, RECOGNIZED ANYWHERE IN THE ENVIRONMENTAL WORLD AS THE MARK OF A PERSON WHO TRULY CARES ABOUT NATURE AND THE FUTURE THAT WAS YESTERDAY BEING THE DAY OF TODAY NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE FOR TODAY TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN YESTERDAY TOMORROW.

UPON YOU PROVIDING TO US THE INFORMATION WE REQUIRE TO PREPARE YOUR CERTIFICATE AND CARBON OFFSETS -- AND YOUR PAYMENT OF THE SMALL FEE NECESSARY TO BRING TO CONSUMMATION THIS BUSINESS -- WE WILL DIRECT OUR PROXY SUBSIDIARIES TO ARRANGE FOR THE VARIOUS CARBON OFFSETS TO YOUR CALCULATED FOOTPRINT, SO AS TO BRING YOU INTO BALANCE WITH THE CARBON NEUTRALITY THAT WAS ALWAYS INTENDED BY HIGHER POWERS.

AT CONSUMMATION, WE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A LIST OF OPTIONS FOR HOW YOUR NOMINAL CARBON OFFSET FEE WILL BE USED TO ARRANGE FOR YOUR RECOGNITION BY THE UN AS AN AUTHENTIC "CARBON NEUTRAL AND FRIEND OF THE GLOBE" PERSON. OPTIONS WILL INCLUDE, BUT NOT BE LIMITED TO:

- THE PLANTING OF GROVES OF TREES IN YOUR NAME

- THE BUILDING OF A WIND FARM

- THE ENVIRONMENTALLY-SAFE ERADICATION OF A FLATULATING TERMITE COLONY

- THE PURCHASE AND INSTALLATION OF METHANE FILTERS ON LARGE MAMMALS FOR THE PURPOSE OF REDUCING GREENHOUSE GASES

- DONATION TOWARD A CARBON-NEUTRAL WEDDING, INCLUDING THE REMOVAL OF BEANS FROM THE RECEPTION BUFFET LINE

PLEASE AND AT ONCE PROVIDE US WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION NECESSARY TO BEGIN THE PROCESS OF REDUCING YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT TO A NEUTRAL SHADOW OF ITS FORMER SELF:

1. YOUR FULL NAME

2. YOUR PHONE AND FAX NUMBER

3. YOUR ADDRESS WHERE YOU WANT TO RECEIVE YOUR CERTIFICATE

4. YOUR AGE AND CURRENT OCCUPATION

5. A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION

PLEASE SEND THE AFOREMENTIONED TO:

REV. JOHN MORGAN

DIRECTOR, CARBON NEUTRALITY OVERSEER

EMAIL: REVJOHNMORGAN125@YAHOO.ES

PHONE: 234-803-221-1455

ALTERNATE PHONE: 234-805-787-7907

WHEN YOU CONTACT ME, WE WILL DISCUSS NOMINAL FEES NECESSARY TO HELP US HELP OURSELVES WHILE MAKING THE GENUINE APPEARANCE OF GUIDING YOUR WAY TO A BETTER CARBON STATUS IN OUR GLOBAL WORLD. THERE IS NO TIME LIKE NOW TO BEGIN TODAY, SO PLEASE LET US HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST. OUR CLIMATE AND OUR WORLD DEPEND ON YOU!

BEST REGARDS,

REV. JOHN MORGAN

Whether or not "Rev" Morgan and his friends make use of this altered pitch...Time will tell. No matter how badly written or hokey-sounding the scam, there always seems to be at least one yutz dumb enough to bite on it.

And if the aforementioned re-write shows up with rave reviews in Mother Jones, that last statement will be more than borne out...

An Inconvenient Scam -- Part I

Aren't they all, but I digress.

A recent Nigerian email scam sent to me was just another in a long line of email scams; it was another one of those ATM card payment angles, where the scammer tries to convince me that I have an inheritance fund awaiting me, and all I have to do is apply for the ATM card set up to allow me to access the millions, a bit at a time.

For a fee, of course *snort*.

Instead of a snide reply, or a quick *delete*, I opted to play off one scam against another. Or at least, something I perceive to be a scam at any rate.

Carbon offsets.

Environmental greenies have gone bonkers over reducing their carbon "footprint" by purchasing -- from businesses set up to accept their 'guilt money' -- things called carbon "offsets". The new, trendy fad (and controversy) of these enviros is to achieve carbon "neutrality": negate the carbon footprint their life style imposes on the environment, by paying (via proxy) for others to take steps to negate their own greenhouse gas generation, and allow them to continue to live their extravagant carbon footprinting lifestyle, yet (imagine) they're living life environmentally "neutral" and guilt-free, and thereby saving the planet from the ravages of global warming via greenhouse gases.

Firing the entire 538 members of the US House and Senate would probably reduce greenhouse gases for a century if you buy into the notion at all, but practicality doesn't work with enviros, so never mind.

At any rate, in Part I, I pitch the idea to my scammer of the moment, Reverend John Morgan (revjohnmorgan125@yahoo.es); in Part II, the re-written scam letter I sent him to use, which oughta make him a cause de celeb with the Hollywood greenies.

Here's the cover letter I sent back to Rev John:

Rev. John & Friends:

Greets and snorts from a recipient of your latest -- and rather tired -- ATM card scam!

Guys...you are soooooooo missing the boat here. ATM card scams are so passe in this day and age of inconvenient truths and global warming hooha. You are missing a gold mine of gullible Westerners over the issue of CARBON OFFSETS and achieving the fauxgoal of CARBON NEUTRALITY!

Process this with me, Rev (that means for you to follow along with me on this hyar): you set up a dummy corporation geared toward providing "carbon offsets" to persons who will pay you to have their "carbon footprint" reduced! Are you feeling it yet? Is this giving you a fiscal woody yet?

When a person of various antecedence and more wealth than smarts contacts you, you pledge to -- for a fee -- plant environmentally-friendly trees on their behalf; build a wind farm somewhere; or stomp out of existence a flatulating colony of termites. You could even make a handy little profit from marketing and installing methane filters on the butts of elephants and rhinos, to help reduce ozone depletion. Or pledge to build a facility to synthesize various and sundry animal dung, so that the burning of it doesn't emit harmful ingredients into the atmosphere, using the marketing phrase "None of the CO 2, all of that homey burnt dung aroma!".

The beauty of it is, you'd only have to claim to do all those things. When you plant trees, you could simply buy surplus coat trees from Walmart (or your Third World equivalent), and place them on a street corner, if you even wanted to go to that much work.

See how easy it is?

And you design a first-rate Certificate of Authenticity for Carbon Offset Neutrality, issued by the UN-approved David Isuzu Carbon Neutrality Project, which allows a purchaser to proudly proclaim to his/her trendy friends, neighbors and coworkers that he/she has contributed to making the Earth safe from global warming and the spread of Mad Animated Polar Bear Disease!

Rev, you and your ilk can be ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF THIS WAVE NOW! Just make use of the letter of yours I have carefully, credibly* massaged just for you, and A MORE CLIMATE-FRIENDLY WORLD OF GREEN HOUSE GAS FAUX-REDUCED WEALTH IS YOURS!

You'll have Western enviros of money, fame, power and prestige, beating down your email address to sign up and contribute! Hecky darn poo...you might even have Al Gore come over and present you with a "Friends of Al Gore" award!

Now's the time, Rev! Are you ready to sneeze the day and let the money from gullible Westerner scammees roll?

Sincerely**,

Prof. Aph Lack, pHd

Climbotologist Ad Horkum Thrombosis

University of Vaduz

* ...a few folks might actually buy this sh**; they did on the other scams...

** mwhahahahahaha...

In Part II, feast your eyes on the Rev's rewritten plea (by yours truly). Whether or not there's a Part III is contingent on what, if anything, the good Rev thinks of this new idea...

Those Waskilwy Howidays

At a local mall in the Denver Metro Area, the "Easter Bunny" is being replaced. By the "Spring Bunny".

Why? Because the reference to "Easter" is deemed offensive to non-Christians.

Oooooookay...

Granted, the "Easter Bunny" has nothing to do with Christianity: as I heard it pointed out, it wasn't Harvey getting nailed to a cross over 2,000 years ago. In fact, the Easter egg thing is actually an adaptation from a pagan procreative ritual, which has nothing to do with omelettes, so I 'spect it wasn't French pagans, but I digress.

Now, I could well buy that this is simply nothing more than the liberal/progressive politically correct sect of atheists and other "it's okay to offend Christians" groups, taking and chipping away at the traditions of this largely Christian nation.

But that's too easy. So I took one of those "leaps of logic" I'm reputed for, and considered another possibility. One that might just make recasting the Easter Bunny more defensible and expedient.

Bullsh**, but here's the attempt hyar.

The Outhouse Runneth Over

*Note: personal opinions that won't sit with everyone upcoming*

So much for disclaimers.

I don't think I'll miss anyone here with a good piss-off. And quite frankly, I don't care. Since a few recalcitrant buffoons in society see fit to piss me off, I don't see any reason not to give some of it back.

I tend to prefer to write humor; or at least what I conceive of as humor. Regular and irregular readers here can decide for themselves what it is I write.

But a few items of recent note got my hackles up, and led me astray of the humor theme. One that wasn't worth a few minutes of outhouse reading time, and was treated as if it carried national, if not global, impact; another, not because the regular news media poo-pooed it, but what it was they largely chose of it to blow off. And lastly, something I picked up from a blog I read regularly, and it merely enhanced my distain for government bureaucracy, regardless of which nincomparty is 'running' the show in DC.

First, the media obsession over the Anna Nicole Smith goat rodeo. This, I'll keep simple: who the f*** cares? For something that has absolutely no substance to it, why are we getting 24/7 coverage of it? As thoroughly as the judge in this case has been a monumental embarrassment to the entire legal community, so has the media coverage been to the journalism community.

What about this crap is newsworthy? Not a damned thing.

'Nuff said there.

Next, the Taliban -- y'know, those turban-headed Muslim extremists of dubious antecedence who were and remain allied with our ol' friends in Al Qaida, the ones John Murtha wants to cut and run from -- take claim for attempting to assassinate Vice President Dick Cheney, while he's making a visit to Afghanistan. The attempt failed; the VP wasn't injured.

That much, the news media did report.

That the attempt failed sent liberal and hatemongering bloggers on the Left into a pukefest tizzy. So much so, Airheadanna Huffington -- with regret, most likely -- was forced to remove pages of a thread from her blog, a thread devoted to wishing the Taliban "better luck next time", and venomous regrets that they -- the Taliban -- missed.

And her compost-laden blog was only one of many expressing regret and anger that the terrorists missed killing the American Vice President.

Fancy that: Americans expressing regret and outrage that enemy extremists tried and failed to kill an American Vice President. And their regret and outrage is that the enemy failed?

And what did we hear from the news media on that? What did we hear from leadership of the Democrat Party?

While Hilarity and Barak trade snipes about the opinion of one Hollywood player who dared to diss Queen (wannabe) Hillary I, what did we hear from the "new tone" in the DC Beltway about this unAmerican bile coming from a loud and vile segment of their coalition? Did we hear demands for apologies? Did we hear the leadership distancing themselves from such outrageous comments?

Nope; all we hear from the Democrats is chirping crickets.

Had the Taliban taken a potshot at a leading Democrat, and flakes from the Right bemoaned the failure, Pelosi & Co. would have been demanding the President, RNC, Fox News and every conservative of any import, denounce the heathens and distance themselves from such outrageous talk and any/all parties engaged in writing or uttering such talk. But since it's a Republican VP....not a peep.

The party of compassion and tolerance, my ass.

Finally...a few of you who visit here (perhaps until you read this post) I know read This Woman's Journey. And you know about the incomprehensible, thoroughly unjustifiable crap that Monica is going through to see justice done for her combat veteran son, Josh, who is suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The VA -- Veterans Administration -- has been less than helpful to a two-tour combat veteran of the Iraq War. They've been so unhelpful, Monica has had to engage the VA, her congressional delegation, and anyone else with any kind of pull in the cesspool of federal bureaucracy to get justice for not only her son, but veterans like him.

Why she should be having to seek justice for her combat veteran son, is inexplicable; and for those she's having to seek it from, it is reprehensible on their part that she's having to make such a remonstration.

What we owe our veterans is, quite frankly and bluntly: everything. We owe them for everything we enjoy in this representative constitutional republic. For when the time comes to defend our way of life from disagreeable elements in the world who see our way of life and freedom as a threat to their way of repression and totalitarian control, it is our military that carries the ball and does the dirty work on our behalf. While we sit on our take-things-for-granted asses, and spend hours watching news reports on where Anna Nicole Smith should be buried, Britney's latest assinine antics, Al Gore's fluff Oscar, or Pat Robertson's latest utterance that has God either laughing in derision or wincing in disgust.

When those men and women come home, they are owed the thanks of a nation that wouldn't exist without their service. For those who come home wounded in the service of this nation, they deserve the best in medical care. Whatever their wounds, physical or psychological, they are owed the best. For without their willingness to step up and defend all of us, we wouldn't have much of the best in this world to defend, enjoy to the point of excess, and pass onto the children who follow.

So to you VA types who might happen to read this blog: while I appreciate your providing the small but gratefully-received stipend for my late combat veteran father, I at the same time don't ask or beg that you come through for a living and deserving veteran like Joshua Murphy and his fellow men and women; as an American and taxpayer, I Goddamn well DEMAND THAT YOU DO! GET OFF YOUR PAPER-PUSHING ASSES AND START DOING WHAT THE SPIRIT OF THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION WAS MEANT TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE!

And Mr. President? Mr. Commander-in-Chief? It isn't like you don't have some pull with the VA. How's about putting some of that hard-headed, stick-to-it-ness that you've shown for better and worse, into seeing to the health and welfare of those you sent into harms' way? A potential legacy as the president who laid the groundwork for taking on, and ultimately defeating, the Muslim extremists is a worthy goal that benefits us all; but the legacy of being a president who stood behind the men and women he sent into harms' way, both before AND after, is one that is worthy of the tradition of this nation's greatest civilian and wartime leaders.

And it's one they deserve to have some elected C-in-C step up to the plate for. You owe it to them too, Mr. President.

Anyone I haven't pissed off yet? Well, don't worry: Election 2008 is coming up. My soapbox is right where I can get to it.