Wednesday, March 21, 2007

An Inconvenient Scam -- Part II

Carbon offset this.

In Part I, I provided you with the 'pitch' I sent to an email scammer to get off the tired old scam band wagon that so many of his unimaginative Nigerian fellows ride, and jump on the new trendy fad of the Western enviros: carbon offsets to achieve carbon neutrality in ones' lifestyle. In short, a way to bullsh** everyone stupid enough to buy it that you can have your life style cake and pay for someone else to offset it, too.

This hyar is the letter I re-wrote for the good Reverend John Morgan, in which I carbon updated for his use in a new trendy fad manure with all those potentially scammable persons who love a good and unproven environmental cause to throw money at in the name of...something:

From: revjohnmorgan125@yahoo.es

Subject: CARBON OFFSET PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS

INTERNATIONAL CARBON NEUTRALITY CREATORS, UN-INC.

ATTENTION HONOURABLE GLOBAL BENEFICIARY:

YOU ARE IDENTIFIED BY YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT AS A DETRIMENT TO THE ENVIRONMENT, AND A NET PRODUCER OF GREENHOUSE GASES. IN TIME, YOU WILL DESTROY OUR PLANET.

BUT NOT IF YOU ACT NOW. AND WE ARE THE VEHICLE BY WHICH YOU CAN AND MUST ACT NOW.

THIS IS TO OFFICIALLY INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE VERIFIED YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT ON OUR BESIEGED PLANET, AND HAVE DETERMINED THAT YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO RECEIVE FROM US CARBON OFFSET CREDITS TO HELP YOU TO ACHIEVE THE VALUED STATUS OF "CARBON NEUTRAL" AND TRUE FRIEND OF THE GLOBAL ENVIRONMENT.

WE ARE A UNITED NATIONS-RECOGNIZED CORPORATION DEDICATED TO THE PRESERVATION OF GLOBAL CLIMATOLOGICAL STATUS QUO ANTE EMM, AND WE HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOU TO MAKE YOUR CARBON OFFSETS PAYMENT THROUGH 100% SECURE AND TOTALLY LEGAL MEANS.

WITH THE INFORMATION YOU PROVIDE TO US FOR TO ARRANGE THE MODALITIES AND OTHER NECESSITIES TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS GIVEN YOU WORK FOR US, WE WILL SEND YOU A SPECIAL CARBON OFFSET CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENCITY, RECOGNIZED ANYWHERE IN THE ENVIRONMENTAL WORLD AS THE MARK OF A PERSON WHO TRULY CARES ABOUT NATURE AND THE FUTURE THAT WAS YESTERDAY BEING THE DAY OF TODAY NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE FOR TODAY TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN YESTERDAY TOMORROW.

UPON YOU PROVIDING TO US THE INFORMATION WE REQUIRE TO PREPARE YOUR CERTIFICATE AND CARBON OFFSETS -- AND YOUR PAYMENT OF THE SMALL FEE NECESSARY TO BRING TO CONSUMMATION THIS BUSINESS -- WE WILL DIRECT OUR PROXY SUBSIDIARIES TO ARRANGE FOR THE VARIOUS CARBON OFFSETS TO YOUR CALCULATED FOOTPRINT, SO AS TO BRING YOU INTO BALANCE WITH THE CARBON NEUTRALITY THAT WAS ALWAYS INTENDED BY HIGHER POWERS.

AT CONSUMMATION, WE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A LIST OF OPTIONS FOR HOW YOUR NOMINAL CARBON OFFSET FEE WILL BE USED TO ARRANGE FOR YOUR RECOGNITION BY THE UN AS AN AUTHENTIC "CARBON NEUTRAL AND FRIEND OF THE GLOBE" PERSON. OPTIONS WILL INCLUDE, BUT NOT BE LIMITED TO:

- THE PLANTING OF GROVES OF TREES IN YOUR NAME

- THE BUILDING OF A WIND FARM

- THE ENVIRONMENTALLY-SAFE ERADICATION OF A FLATULATING TERMITE COLONY

- THE PURCHASE AND INSTALLATION OF METHANE FILTERS ON LARGE MAMMALS FOR THE PURPOSE OF REDUCING GREENHOUSE GASES

- DONATION TOWARD A CARBON-NEUTRAL WEDDING, INCLUDING THE REMOVAL OF BEANS FROM THE RECEPTION BUFFET LINE

PLEASE AND AT ONCE PROVIDE US WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION NECESSARY TO BEGIN THE PROCESS OF REDUCING YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT TO A NEUTRAL SHADOW OF ITS FORMER SELF:

1. YOUR FULL NAME

2. YOUR PHONE AND FAX NUMBER

3. YOUR ADDRESS WHERE YOU WANT TO RECEIVE YOUR CERTIFICATE

4. YOUR AGE AND CURRENT OCCUPATION

5. A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION

PLEASE SEND THE AFOREMENTIONED TO:

REV. JOHN MORGAN

DIRECTOR, CARBON NEUTRALITY OVERSEER

EMAIL: REVJOHNMORGAN125@YAHOO.ES

PHONE: 234-803-221-1455

ALTERNATE PHONE: 234-805-787-7907

WHEN YOU CONTACT ME, WE WILL DISCUSS NOMINAL FEES NECESSARY TO HELP US HELP OURSELVES WHILE MAKING THE GENUINE APPEARANCE OF GUIDING YOUR WAY TO A BETTER CARBON STATUS IN OUR GLOBAL WORLD. THERE IS NO TIME LIKE NOW TO BEGIN TODAY, SO PLEASE LET US HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST. OUR CLIMATE AND OUR WORLD DEPEND ON YOU!

BEST REGARDS,

REV. JOHN MORGAN

Whether or not "Rev" Morgan and his friends make use of this altered pitch...Time will tell. No matter how badly written or hokey-sounding the scam, there always seems to be at least one yutz dumb enough to bite on it.

And if the aforementioned re-write shows up with rave reviews in Mother Jones, that last statement will be more than borne out...

5 Comments:

Blogger Karen said...

Yes, indeed, there will be someone that will fall for it. It's scary to think of all the commonsense deprived people, isn't it?

Thanks for the laughs!

21 March, 2007 15:31  
Anonymous Cyndy said...

sometimes even the commonsense beauty people wonder toooo...like why take an ambien before you type a blog post. Okay now the big question is do you ever go for a hike in Boulder or Wash Park or around Green Mountain where many scary people are? They may need a skunk with a feather and a diva with commonsense to discover them.

22 March, 2007 22:09  
Blogger Monica said...

I get several of the church scams at our church email address. I just delete them but the gall always amazes me.

23 March, 2007 05:58  
Blogger Herb said...

If I get this e-mail...

24 March, 2007 04:26  
Blogger Raggedy said...

Nobody can write a letter like you!
Great post!
Thanks!

24 March, 2007 19:30  

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