Saturday, March 17, 2007

An Inconvenient Scam -- Part I

Aren't they all, but I digress.
A recent Nigerian email scam sent to me was just another in a long line of email scams; it was another one of those ATM card payment angles, where the scammer tries to convince me that I have an inheritance fund awaiting me, and all I have to do is apply for the ATM card set up to allow me to access the millions, a bit at a time.
For a fee, of course *snort*.
Instead of a snide reply, or a quick *delete*, I opted to play off one scam against another. Or at least, something I perceive to be a scam at any rate.
Carbon offsets.
Environmental greenies have gone bonkers over reducing their carbon "footprint" by purchasing -- from businesses set up to accept their 'guilt money' -- things called carbon "offsets". The new, trendy fad (and controversy) of these enviros is to achieve carbon "neutrality": negate the carbon footprint their life style imposes on the environment, by paying (via proxy) for others to take steps to negate their own greenhouse gas generation, and allow them to continue to live their extravagant carbon footprinting lifestyle, yet (imagine) they're living life environmentally "neutral" and guilt-free, and thereby saving the planet from the ravages of global warming via greenhouse gases.
Firing the entire 538 members of the US House and Senate would probably reduce greenhouse gases for a century if you buy into the notion at all, but practicality doesn't work with enviros, so never mind.
At any rate, in Part I, I pitch the idea to my scammer of the moment, Reverend John Morgan (; in Part II, the re-written scam letter I sent him to use, which oughta make him a cause de celeb with the Hollywood greenies.
Here's the cover letter I sent back to Rev John:
Rev. John & Friends:
Greets and snorts from a recipient of your latest -- and rather tired -- ATM card scam! are soooooooo missing the boat here. ATM card scams are so passe in this day and age of inconvenient truths and global warming hooha. You are missing a gold mine of gullible Westerners over the issue of CARBON OFFSETS and achieving the fauxgoal of CARBON NEUTRALITY!
Process this with me, Rev (that means for you to follow along with me on this hyar): you set up a dummy corporation geared toward providing "carbon offsets" to persons who will pay you to have their "carbon footprint" reduced! Are you feeling it yet? Is this giving you a fiscal woody yet?
When a person of various antecedence and more wealth than smarts contacts you, you pledge to -- for a fee -- plant environmentally-friendly trees on their behalf; build a wind farm somewhere; or stomp out of existence a flatulating colony of termites. You could even make a handy little profit from marketing and installing methane filters on the butts of elephants and rhinos, to help reduce ozone depletion. Or pledge to build a facility to synthesize various and sundry animal dung, so that the burning of it doesn't emit harmful ingredients into the atmosphere, using the marketing phrase "None of the CO 2, all of that homey burnt dung aroma!".
The beauty of it is, you'd only have to claim to do all those things. When you plant trees, you could simply buy surplus coat trees from Walmart (or your Third World equivalent), and place them on a street corner, if you even wanted to go to that much work.
See how easy it is?
And you design a first-rate Certificate of Authenticity for Carbon Offset Neutrality, issued by the UN-approved David Isuzu Carbon Neutrality Project, which allows a purchaser to proudly proclaim to his/her trendy friends, neighbors and coworkers that he/she has contributed to making the Earth safe from global warming and the spread of Mad Animated Polar Bear Disease!
Rev, you and your ilk can be ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF THIS WAVE NOW! Just make use of the letter of yours I have carefully, credibly* massaged just for you, and A MORE CLIMATE-FRIENDLY WORLD OF GREEN HOUSE GAS FAUX-REDUCED WEALTH IS YOURS!
You'll have Western enviros of money, fame, power and prestige, beating down your email address to sign up and contribute! Hecky darn might even have Al Gore come over and present you with a "Friends of Al Gore" award!
Now's the time, Rev! Are you ready to sneeze the day and let the money from gullible Westerner scammees roll?
Prof. Aph Lack, pHd
Climbotologist Ad Horkum Thrombosis
University of Vaduz
* ...a few folks might actually buy this sh**; they did on the other scams...
** mwhahahahahaha...
In Part II, feast your eyes on the Rev's rewritten plea (by yours truly). Whether or not there's a Part III is contingent on what, if anything, the good Rev thinks of this new idea...


Blogger Raggedy said...

"fiscal woody" cracked me up.
Great post!

17 March, 2007 09:27  
Anonymous stacy said...

I have to ask...Did you publish a book of this stuff? Last time I was at the book store I saw one.

19 March, 2007 10:01  
Blogger Monica said...

Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day.

I still can't wait for you to write a post on calling telemarketers. I know only you can give it that "spin".

19 March, 2007 16:08  
Blogger Herb said...

If I start getting Greenhouse Gas e-mails now...I'm going to tell them to pull YOUR finger.

21 March, 2007 04:29  

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