Worse Than Thought

I hate to have to say this; I really do.

Al Gore might actually be right.

Al Gore might be right about human activity being the single biggest contributor to global warming. In fact, it might even be worse than Al Gore recently reported to Congress, and in his scareumentary, An Inconvenient Goof.

According to several studies by a variety of astronomers and other galactic researchers, scientific data from around the Solar System indicates that Mars, Jupiter, Jupiter's moon Triton and even the demoted Pluto are experiencing global warming, and have been since at least '02, if not earlier.

I didn't know they had problems with cow and termite flatulence, CFCs from overrun A/C, emissions from coal burning plants and gas guzzling internal combustion engines. They probably should have been warned as well about the hazards of too many fiber-rich foods on the buffet line, and what would result from the overabundance of same in the diet.

We should have warned them. Er...Dubya should have warned them.

If this is all true, then Dubya's administration has been keeping it from us, along with the presence of ET and what they really found down in Roswell back in '47.

Bastards. Tell Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi that instead of something substantive -- who has time for that -- we need more supoenas.

Or, if by some reasonable chance the aforementioned planets don't have greenhouse gas-generating SUVs and fireplaces going all over the place....then how can they be warming up in the same manner that we allegedly are?

Perhaps it's on account of being denied access to the Kyoto Protocols? Perhaps it's simply that we didn't tell the denizens of said planets about these planet-saving protocols, and now they're having the same problem with hot air* that we are.

Or, perhaps it has to do with the presence of, or fly-bys of, human-built space craft and surface explorers, bringing along with them our propensity for being practically the single and definitive source of global warming, as claimed by Al Gore & Co.

What conclusion can one draw from such revelations? Well, if you adhere to the Gore & Co. theory, the answer is obvious: it's Dubya's fault.

Bastard. Dubya and his Big Oil buddies. Trickie Dick Cheney and his Halliburton homeboys. And it all has the smell of Karl Rove intertwined around it. If it's bad, Karl Rove has to have had a part in it. If the Huffington Post blog hasn't yet said so, it will.

And it has to be so. After all, wasn't it humans who, in 2006, decided on their own -- and with no consultation with life forms living there -- to demote Pluto to subplanetary status? Ironically or not, in 2002, global warming was reportedly discovered on Pluto. The planetary demotion followed a mere four years later.

Who was in the White House when this odious demotion took place? Dubya. He and that evil incarnate subordinate Rove, who talked him into gerrymandering the Pluto demotion, to duck the truth: Dubya's terrestrial environmental policies led to global warming on Pluto. And Jupiter's moon, Triton. And Jupiter. And Mars.

Bastard.

Granted, the report said nothing about global warming taking place on Mercury or Venus; in the case of Mercury, what difference could 2-12 degrees farenheit make there? Nor did it mention Saturn's rings being fried like onions. It curiously left out any mention of Neptune, which should be less offended now that Pluto's orbit-by farting on Neptune got it demoted from planetary status.

And apparently no one wants to think or talk about things getting warmer on Uranus.

Granted, there are some astronomers, scientists and enviros that suggest the Sun and it's cycles of solar activity have much to do with climatological changes, both here and celestially abroad.

But Al Gore's 'universal consensus' denies this. Therefore, he must be right. His powers of observation are just better than the rest of us. Remember the Buddhist temple he didn't know he was fund-raising in?

So we better get off the stick and send emissaries to the suffering planets to get them as signatories on the Kyoto Protocols, and fast. And we'd better tell Dubya to quit sending our human problems out into the cosmos, ruining the environment there, as we do here every day that we live, breathe, flush or fart. Because the truth is out. There's no denying it now: our planetary problem is no longer confined to our planetary sphere. We humans are wrecking our Solar System.

Otherwise...well, imagining the apocalypse that Al Gore says is coming for us in just a few years, just extrapolate that out for a planet the size of Mars. That poor little bugger in the photo (top right) doesn't deserve to have his world ruined by human activity millions of miles away.

And if it does come to that, he at least deserves to know it's Dubya's fault.

* of course, our center of hot air -- Washington, DC -- might have equivalents on each of these particular planets. But Dubya isn't telling us about them, either...