Another Talking Desk In Scamland

They must love to have talking desks in Scamland.  Here's yet another one:

FROM THE DESK OF:MR PAUL GABA

ABSA Bank, South Africa   

Tel:  +27- 83 736 4032

Fax: +27- 86 549 0852

Email: MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com 

                                                                           

  

 

Dear Sir/ Madam,

 

 

I write to introduce this urgent business proposal to you irrespective of the fact that we have not seen or known each other before but faith that it will be of immense benefit to both of us. My name is Mr. PAUL GABA, the Credit officer of   ABSA Bank, South Africa  I got your contact through the South African Chamber of Commerce in my earnest search for a reliable individual who can assist me to make this transaction a reality but I did not disclose the nature of the business to them. There is an outstanding sum of US$5,500.000.00 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) deposited by the LATE MR. WOLFGANG STUDEMANN who died with his entire family & 44 others in a Pacific Southwest Airlines Flight 1771 Wednesday, December 9, 1987.

 

 

 This fund was deposited since 1985 and since 1986 nobody has operated on this account. After going through some old files in my possession, I discovered that the owner of this dormant account Mr. Wolfgang Studemann does not exist anymore and that if I do not urgently remit this fund outside South Africa , it would be forfeited by the government for nothing. I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner with foreign bank account; the bank management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has the correct information of this account which I will provide to you. Should this interest you and to indicate your interest and willingness to assist me in this venture. I will introduce and approve you as his next of kin for you to receive the fund. We can share it 50/50.

 

I will furnish you all information upon your acceptance to part with me. If you are interested, please send me a mail to MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com 

 

I will be glad t clarify you on any question. Thanks.

 

Tel: +27- 83 736 4032  

My pet rock, Seymour, always wanted to imitate a talking desk in edit mode.  Here's his chance, and he gets...uh...really weird with it. 

"Do NOT!!!":

FROM THE DESK OF:MR PAUL GABA

ABSA Bank, South Africa   

Tel:  +27- 83 736 4032

Fax: +27- 86 549 0852

Email: MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com 

                                                                           

  

 

Dear Sir/ Madam,

 

 

Yes, I am really a talking desk, and yes, I am really talking to you.  Granted, not audibly, but via the magic of email.  Not that email is all that magic any more.  I tried magic once and tried to pull Taylor Swift out of my drawers.  All that came out was a squirrel, and most of you menfolk would NEVER remove Taylor Swift from your drawers, but I as a desk digress. 

I write to introduce this urgent business proposal to you irrespective of the fact that we have not seen or known each other before.  And don't be misled by thinking that when you've seen one talking desk, you've seen them all.  Uh-uh, no siree bob.  I am unique in talking desks; one of my drawers also works as a toilet.  A real flushing toilet.

I'll get back to that here in a 'mo.  Meantime, to biscuits.

I am the desk of  Mr. PAUL GABA, the Credit officer of ABSA Bank, South Africa  I got your contact through the same means that all of us talking desks get y'all contacts...from a laminated parrot turd oracle named Ogun.  He cleans toilets at the South African Chamber of Commerce.  Yes, they actually have some there.

In my earnest search for a gullible dolt that believes in talking desks, I need your assistance to make this transaction a reality; as merely a talking desk, I can't do jackwagon sh**.  Mayhaps you can.  There is an outstanding sum of US$5,500.000.00 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) deposited by the LATE MR. WOLFGANG VON SCHWEPPERVESCENTSPITZENSPARKENPUTZ who died trying to say his name fast backwards three times on America Lacks Talent with Ben Afflack. 

 

Only pmsnbc would carry such a show.

This fund was deposited since 2011 and since 2014 nobody has operated on this account.  No one here knows how to operate; one of them tried to be a goat proctologist, but he got trampled when he snapped on the gloves and said "now bend over and say "BAAAAAAAAA"!"  Not too bright was he.  After going through some old files in my drawers, I also found some billing records that belong to HRC, Obola's birth certificate from Uranus, Joe Bidumb's brain scan (it was negative), and Nancy Pelosi's vaginal implant (she used to be Al Sharpton). 

All of these things were forfeited to the government for nothing.  Which makes sense; who'd want sh** like that?  I certainly didn't.  I'd be okay with Taylor Swift in my drawers, but I digress again.  I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner who can figure out how to get Taylor Swift in my drawers.

Should this interest you, say the word and we'll split Taylor Swift 50/50.  Well, actually 99/1.  I just want her toe nails.  I'm a desk with a fetish.

 

I will furnish you all information upon your acceptance to part with the guy I'm a desk for. If you are interested, please send him a mail to MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com because I as a desk cannot get back to you. 

 

I will be glad t clarify you on any question, including how you can help me get rid of the drawer that works like a flush toilet.  I hate having it back up during the lunch hour around here.  And if any one of you can tell me how to pull a Taylor Swift out of my drawers, I'd be obliged.  She'd be far and above the nicest thing that Paul Gaba keeps in me.  Those stupid bondage magazines about sodomizing goats and being sex slaves to them are disgusting, though they do make me laugh at times.. Thanks.

 

Tel: +27- 83 736 4032  

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that my pet rock as a thing for Taylor Swift.

"And your point is?"

Good point, Seymour...

Gorillas In The Desk

I always get a kick out of those email scams that start out with "from the desk of" the scammer alias.

Though, with a little web research, I was actually able to FIND a talking desk.  Hence, the photo.

I'm just betting that this scammer's desk ain't one of these.

At any rate, I made short work of Mrs. Rita Ada and her talking desk.

Which isn't what she had in mind, I reckon.

Here is her opening gambit:

From the Desk of MrsRitaAda

I'm Mrs.Rita Ada, I write to seek your assistance in a fund transfer of my late husband. please let me know if you can stand for me and use the funds for charity organisations orphanages and widows, here is my email mrsrita091@yeah.net.

After over 56 years of practice, I think I am able to stand pretty well.  I certainly stand some of the more peculiar activities of my pet rock, Seymour.

"I am NOT peculiar!"

Whatever.

At any rate, once again I make the 'talking desk' a focal point in my edit of Mrs Rita Ada's effort to give me the business:

Not REALLY From The Desk of MRS RITA ADA:

I'm not Mrs.Rita Ada's desk.  You know how all those memo pads start with "From the Desk of Mr/Mrs So-n-So"?  Actually, a desk can't write a memo.  A desk can't dictate a memo.  A desk can't imagine a memo.  A desk can't sh*t or go blind, sh*t or wind its watch -- let alone, sh*t on its watch --or any of that George Carlin routine. 

But one thing a desk CAN do...it can prop up the stuff for me to write to you on.  That, and it gives a gorilla something to ransack.

On behalf of my gorilla-ransacked desk -- a clan of them went through our fly infested internet cafe like a dose of assaults -- I write to seek your assistance in a fund to rebuild our fly infested, gorilla ransacked internet café here in the jungles not far from Lagos, Nigeria.  Please let me know if you can stand for hearing from me soliciting funds for a fly infested, gorilla-ransacked internet café rebuild. 

Granted, I know what we do from these generally crappy facilities -- especially after a gorilla clan visit -- is reprehensible, fraudulent and lowbrow, but none of us know what lowbrow is.  A German beer perhaps.  At any rate, I need very much for you to respond..I am well short of my quota this month and our fly infested internet café enforcer Ogun -- once they wind and reattach his winkee that a gorilla ripped off and threw up into a ceiling fan that was running too fast -- is looking for someone to take his eunuch status out on.  

here is my email mrsrita091@yeah.net.

Ogun -- a perhaps mythical, perhaps real character who's name has popped up in a few of my exchanges with email scammers -- wasn't part of the original email.  But perhaps there's an Ogun in this particular fly infested, gorilla not ransacked internet café, and he wasn't much for reading what my editing desk dun to their email, Ma,  'cuz I got this reply:

 

f*** u 

 

 

Once the gorilla got your winkee, Ogun, I reckon that's an empty threat now, don't you? 

 

That appeared to leave whomever on the other end -- Rita, Ogun, the desk -- speechless.  Perhaps they can get a comment from the gorilla.