ABSA Bank, South Africa
Tel: +27- 83 736 4032
Fax: +27- 86 549 0852
Dear Sir/ Madam,
Yes, I am really a talking desk, and yes, I am really talking to you. Granted, not audibly, but via the magic of email. Not that email is all that magic any more. I tried magic once and tried to pull Taylor Swift out of my drawers. All that came out was a squirrel, and most of you menfolk would NEVER remove Taylor Swift from your drawers, but I as a desk digress.
I write to introduce this urgent business proposal to you irrespective of the fact that we have not seen or known each other before. And don't be misled by thinking that when you've seen one talking desk, you've seen them all. Uh-uh, no siree bob. I am unique in talking desks; one of my drawers also works as a toilet. A real flushing toilet.
I'll get back to that here in a 'mo. Meantime, to biscuits.
I am the desk of Mr. PAUL GABA, the Credit officer of ABSA Bank, South Africa I got your contact through the same means that all of us talking desks get y'all contacts...from a laminated parrot turd oracle named Ogun. He cleans toilets at the South African Chamber of Commerce. Yes, they actually have some there.
In my earnest search for a gullible dolt that believes in talking desks, I need your assistance to make this transaction a reality; as merely a talking desk, I can't do jackwagon sh**. Mayhaps you can. There is an outstanding sum of US$5,500.000.00 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) deposited by the LATE MR. WOLFGANG VON SCHWEPPERVESCENTSPITZENSPARKENPUTZ who died trying to say his name fast backwards three times on America Lacks Talent with Ben Afflack.
Only pmsnbc would carry such a show.
This fund was deposited since 2011 and since 2014 nobody has operated on this account. No one here knows how to operate; one of them tried to be a goat proctologist, but he got trampled when he snapped on the gloves and said "now bend over and say "BAAAAAAAAA"!" Not too bright was he. After going through some old files in my drawers, I also found some billing records that belong to HRC, Obola's birth certificate from Uranus, Joe Bidumb's brain scan (it was negative), and Nancy Pelosi's vaginal implant (she used to be Al Sharpton).
All of these things were forfeited to the government for nothing. Which makes sense; who'd want sh** like that? I certainly didn't. I'd be okay with Taylor Swift in my drawers, but I digress again. I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner who can figure out how to get Taylor Swift in my drawers.
Should this interest you, say the word and we'll split Taylor Swift 50/50. Well, actually 99/1. I just want her toe nails. I'm a desk with a fetish.
I will furnish you all information upon your acceptance to part with the guy I'm a desk for. If you are interested, please send him a mail to MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com because I as a desk cannot get back to you.
I will be glad t clarify you on any question, including how you can help me get rid of the drawer that works like a flush toilet. I hate having it back up during the lunch hour around here. And if any one of you can tell me how to pull a Taylor Swift out of my drawers, I'd be obliged. She'd be far and above the nicest thing that Paul Gaba keeps in me. Those stupid bondage magazines about sodomizing goats and being sex slaves to them are disgusting, though they do make me laugh at times.. Thanks.
Tel: +27- 83 736 4032
If I didn't know any better, I'd say that my pet rock as a thing for Taylor Swift.
"And your point is?"
Good point, Seymour...