A Pet Rock Notes That Yes...They Do Walk Amongst Us

Much as I try to avoid the so-called 'news' these days, I have two ever-inquisitive pet rocks that simply won't let it go.

Especially when they find stuff like what follows.

Apparently, some woman in Russia is suing a world-wide fast food chain for breaking her dietary resolve during Lent...with a cheeseburger ad.

As noted here, it even works with aliens.

Be that as it may, my 'editing gone wild' pet rock Element was ever eager to see what she could do with such a story.

Seymour -- her partner-in-editing-crime -- was pleased to gain dishonorable mention in the edit:

'They're Out There'– Really REALLY out there -- Even In Russia

By Element PetRock/WTFNS

(Date Line: I lost my number, can I have yours?) – McDonald's is almost as evil as Pfizer. Not only here but around the woild.

Or so a Russian victim of Madisonski Avenue would have you believe.

Ksenia Ovchinnikova must be related to the single-digit IQ-types in Florida that called 911 after McD's ran out of chicken nuggets. Ovchinnikova claims she was lured into indulging in a juicy McDonald’s burger during Lent by a cow urging everyone to eat more chikin.

Now the suddenly not-so-smug Ronald McD is hearing from her barrister.

The Russian woman is reportedly suing the fast-food chain after claiming that a mouthwatering cheeseburger commercial grabbed her, threw her down, and molested her taste buds and religious convictions, leaving her hunger pangs knocked up and absolutely no choice but to break her Lent fast.

“When I saw an advertising banner — it literally ripped all resistance from my form and I was left defenseless, knowing that despite the requirements of Lent, I was subconsciously commanded by a power lower than borscht to indulge the cheeseburger,” said Ovchinnikova, an orthodox nipplehead of dubious self-controlcedence, in a court statement regarding the MacLent act, according to the Russian equivalent of cnn.

“The demon of Ronald McDonald was standing over me, laughing manically as I slavishly gave in to that which the Hamburglar had failed to save me from.” she opined.

Her attorney – Seymourski PetRockova – said that “all the sordid details will come out in court”, or something along those lines, as he said it in Azerbaijani, which caught Pravda off guard and sans translator.

PetRockova has even started a #GoFundUs page on Fecesbook, seeking constipation for painful rectal itch, incontinence and suffering therefrom.

PetRockova could have used some translation help.

A spokescharacter for McDonald's – the Hamburglar, summoned from retirement – issued a statement denying that he can't speak clearly. All we got was “rauble rauble rauble”.

A commontater at the dumbest network in the West, cnn, declared that this was the result of “global warming COVID and Trump”, with absolutely nothing else to offer in the way of proof, before he went back to drooling all over his balding, corpulent self.

When asked for comment, the illegitimate president's depressed suckretary said “I'll circle back to that when the illegitimate president is done circling me.” Bidumb later said he thought that she was his wife's sister's daughter, and he was merely groping for words or anything else he could get hold of.

A spokesperson for Taco Bell just smirked and muttered that it “was good to be us and no, our mascot does NOT look like a vagina.”

 

Unlike Seymour, Element entertains no notions of picking up a Pulitzer for edits like this.  She'll be happy to get a real taco out of it.