The X Files And Death

Why would I reference The X Files in the title, only to use a photo from the movie Airplane?

That will become evident shortly.

In another one of those well-written (not) email scams I receive so many of, the scammer -- Brenda Vandesie  -- needed, I felt, some creative 'help' with the email.  I've shared with you a short sample, to convince you of this, from the original email:


My beloved.

Greetings in the name of our lord Jesus Christ. I am Mrs Brenda Vandesie from Holland, a widow to late Mark Vandesie I am 69 years old, i am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I won't live more than 2 months, according to my doctors, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very worst stage.

My late husband and my only child died last years, his death was politically motivated. My late husband was a very rich and wealthy business man who was running his cocoa business in Cote d’Ivoire and after his death; I inherited all his business and wealth. my doctors has advised me that i may not live for more than 2 months, so i now decided to divide the part of this wealth, to contribute to the development of the church in Africa, America, Asia, and Europe. i collected your email address during my desperate search on the internet and i prayed over it.

I decided to donate the sum of $2,500,000.00 usd( Two million five hundred thousand united states dollars) to the less privileged because i cannot take this money to the grave. Please i want you to note that this fund is lodged in a bank in Ivory Coast in West Africa .

 
Not that it means anything, but Mrs. Brenda Vandesie from Holland, had as her reply email address one with Yahoo Japan inclinations: aranyite7@yahoo.co.jp    Her originally-used email address was brendamark@hotmail.fr

Broad got around, didn’t she?

Well, what could we do for such a well-travelled scamstress as Mrs. Brenda Vandesie? I thought long and hard on that for about a minute, and ran widdis:

Greetings.  I am Mrs Brenda Vandesie from Holland, with a japanese email address.

Yes, I know that seems strange.  Read on and I guarantee it'll get stranger.
 
I am a widow to a late barn yard yak named Mark Vandesie.  Mark was sold at a 

country fair and butchered to feed prisoners during the Great War.  After that, I

wandered aimlessly through two wars, survived being strafed by a Luftwaffe 

motorcycle when I was once lost in Burma, and managed to avoid being bombed along 

with an entire battalion of Viet Nimrods when they discovered a hootch cache along

the Ho Me Chihn Trail in the 1960s.
 
It was at this point, I asked my alien handlers to quit subjecting me to LSD 

tests, and just let me live life as a normal yak.  Instead, they got pissy and 

turned me into a human-like-person with bovinal inclinations.
 
Needless to say, I had a cow over it.  See what I just did there?
 
Now, because of all the alien gerrymandering of my biological functions, I have 

no f**king idea how old I am, how to pee sitting down, or what it's like to eat 

salad without trying to 'cud' it for 8 hours afterward.
 
My late husband was a very rich and wealthy business man before aliens turned him 

into a yak that Hungarian prisoners later ate during the Great War.  He ran a 

brothel in Cote d’Ivoire and after his death it was converted to a sex implements 

store; I had inherited all his business and wealth, but having been turned into a 

yak myself, I couldn't make use of it, and all my protests went unherd.
 
I think that called for a *rimshot*.
 
My speciological therapist has advised me to stay away from hay bales and not moo 

at passing cars, so I fired that asshole.
 
I decided to donate what's left of the years of my life to detailing my years as 

an alien guinea yak, so that other alien abductees who have the same beef that I 

do can profit from my story.
 
Moo thinks that's another *rim shot*.
 
If you agree to help me, I will give you a fee for getting me on the Oprah Show 

to promote my book, "A Yak's Guide To One F**ked Up Galaxy".
 
Please contact me in this my private e-mail id 

aranyite7@yahoo.co.jp  when you get me booked with Oprah.
Your former cosmic yak,
Mrs Brenda Vandesie

 

This rewrite apparently left poor ol' Brenda speechless.  Not so, one of her colleagues:


 
i get u 4 this.  kill u see.

 
This so-called 'threat' -- resembling Twitter tweets from some of the moron nobama supporters, directed at Mitt Romney after the second debate -- had me laughing my ass off.  Apparently 'Don Curry' was just as big a moron.

You might can imagine my response to Curry.

So there you have it...aliens, yaks and Oprah, oh my...it could be the basis for the next Airplane movie...

Sometimes, They Get Mad

And that's a *trophy* moment in the life of a scambaiter.

With my current tactic of responding to email scams -- rewriting the scam letter and dispatching it back to the originating scammer, and a number of their colleagues and peers -- I have surpassed 150 rewritten letters. Most of them go unresponded to, though perhaps a response of sorts is when the email address they were using, quits working.

But I have to say that I really enjoy the ones that like to critique my work.

Take Alikali Yusuff (alikaliyusuf00@live.com), for example. His scam was to involve me in contractor overbillings of building supplies in Iraq, of which I, at his invitation, would have been entitled to 35% of the overbillings. Which, of course, is all bad cous cous: I was going to get had by some scammer posing as an attorney, with faux attorney fees amounting to in the ball park of $1,500 or so.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZER*

As has been my very uncool and uncooperative wont in this game, I didn't play by his rules; I played by mine. Here is how I rewrote his email, and sent it back to him and about 20 of his peers:

Iraqi ReCON Efforts

My name is Alikali Yusuf. I am an Al Qaeda terrorist of dubious antecedence and worse body odor. I am busy trying to blow up as much sh** as possible in Iraq, so I can get money in here to rebuild stuff, so I can blow it up again. I like blowing things; just ask any goat or camel that knows me. I am a piece of human feces, and just like blowing animals or blowing sh** up, because my father f***ed camels and my mother whored herself out to Somali pirates, and I was the result.

So send me more money to rebuild Iraq, because I love to blow things. I don't care what. Porta potties are almost as fun as blowing goats and camels. When I finally tire of blowing stuff, I will blow myself up, so I can get in on those 72 virgin camels I hear about.

Cous cous! Dirka dirka!

Respond to me soonest at alikaliyusuf00@live.com

PS: I also like to fart in water and bite the bubbles. Hee.

Eh..not one of my better email rewrites, but Steinway and Hemingbeck had their off days, too.

Well, it took ol' Alikali four whole days to stew over what I done to his email. Or perhaps it took him that long to figure out what all the words meant. Whatever. In any event, his critique of my rewrite suggests that he was less than pleased with my creative license:

Title: YOU ARE WARNED...UNLESS U ARE TIRED OF LIFE (ooooooooh...liking it already)
HEY, TAKE A LOOK FROM YOUR FAVORATE WINDOW. LOOK UP, TO THE RIGHT...I AM LOOKING AT U 24 / 7 WITH A CCTV. I KNOW WHERE U SHOP, EAT AND WORK. I KNOW YOUR OFFSPRING (there's a lot about me that's off, and for all four seasons, but I digress) U BETTER SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. YOU ARE WARNED...UNLESS U ARE TIRED OF LIFE.

For the 11 years I have been scambaiting, a few folks have warned me about emails like this one. And for 11 years, I have lived for (and through) each and every one I got.

To this one, I used a combination of careful diplomacy, and tactful reflection:

HAHAHAHA. If you are watching me at this moment, you'll know what I just did at your f***ing CCTV camera, Islamof***head. You want a piece of me, Pork Lips? Come git some.

After dispatching that, my next four scammer email rewrites were all dedicated to Alikali Yusuf, as demeaningly as I am wont to do, especially when I engage my inner four year old for some creative demeanment. All of which was rained into his email box, from my current address of choice for such activity, under the unassuming name of "Junkyard Hamster".

It took him four days to respond to one rewrite. With that number of emails for him to sort through and process, I might be waiting a month to hear more.

Of course, his threat is wasted on me: the poor misguided email scammer doesn't know that I haven't had a life outside of work and email scambaiting for the past 11 years. Someone might oughta tell him...