Sunday, November 4, 2012

The X Files And Death

Why would I reference The X Files in the title, only to use a photo from the movie Airplane?

That will become evident shortly.

In another one of those well-written (not) email scams I receive so many of, the scammer -- Brenda Vandesie  -- needed, I felt, some creative 'help' with the email.  I've shared with you a short sample, to convince you of this, from the original email:


My beloved.

Greetings in the name of our lord Jesus Christ. I am Mrs Brenda Vandesie from Holland, a widow to late Mark Vandesie I am 69 years old, i am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I won't live more than 2 months, according to my doctors, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very worst stage.

My late husband and my only child died last years, his death was politically motivated. My late husband was a very rich and wealthy business man who was running his cocoa business in Cote d’Ivoire and after his death; I inherited all his business and wealth. my doctors has advised me that i may not live for more than 2 months, so i now decided to divide the part of this wealth, to contribute to the development of the church in Africa, America, Asia, and Europe. i collected your email address during my desperate search on the internet and i prayed over it.

I decided to donate the sum of $2,500,000.00 usd( Two million five hundred thousand united states dollars) to the less privileged because i cannot take this money to the grave. Please i want you to note that this fund is lodged in a bank in Ivory Coast in West Africa .


 

Not that it means anything, but Mrs. Brenda Vandesie from Holland, had as her reply email address one with Yahoo Japan inclinations: aranyite7@yahoo.co.jp    Her originally-used email address was brendamark@hotmail.fr

Broad got around, didn’t she?

Well, what could we do for such a well-travelled scamstress as Mrs. Brenda Vandesie? I thought long and hard on that for about a minute, and ran widdis:


Greetings.  I am Mrs Brenda Vandesie from Holland, with a japanese email address.
Yes, I know that seems strange.  Read on and I guarantee it'll get stranger.
 
I am a widow to a late barn yard yak named Mark Vandesie.  Mark was sold at a 
country fair and butchered to feed prisoners during the Great War.  After that, I
wandered aimlessly through two wars, survived being strafed by a Luftwaffe 
motorcycle when I was once lost in Burma, and managed to avoid being bombed along 
with an entire battalion of Viet Nimrods when they discovered a hootch cache along
the Ho Me Chihn Trail in the 1960s.
 
It was at this point, I asked my alien handlers to quit subjecting me to LSD 
tests, and just let me live life as a normal yak.  Instead, they got pissy and 
turned me into a human-like-person with bovinal inclinations.
 
Needless to say, I had a cow over it.  See what I just did there?
 
Now, because of all the alien gerrymandering of my biological functions, I have 
no f**king idea how old I am, how to pee sitting down, or what it's like to eat 
salad without trying to 'cud' it for 8 hours afterward.
 
My late husband was a very rich and wealthy business man before aliens turned him 
into a yak that Hungarian prisoners later ate during the Great War.  He ran a 
brothel in Cote d’Ivoire and after his death it was converted to a sex implements 
store; I had inherited all his business and wealth, but having been turned into a 
yak myself, I couldn't make use of it, and all my protests went unherd.
 
I think that called for a *rimshot*.
 
My speciological therapist has advised me to stay away from hay bales and not moo 
at passing cars, so I fired that asshole.
 
I decided to donate what's left of the years of my life to detailing my years as 
an alien guinea yak, so that other alien abductees who have the same beef that I 
do can profit from my story.
 
Moo thinks that's another *rim shot*.
 
If you agree to help me, I will give you a fee for getting me on the Oprah Show 
to promote my book, "A Yak's Guide To One F**ked Up Galaxy".
 
Please contact me in this my private e-mail id 
aranyite7@yahoo.co.jp  when you get me booked with Oprah.
Your former cosmic yak,
Mrs Brenda Vandesie


 


This rewrite apparently left poor ol' Brenda speechless.  Not so, one of her colleagues:


 

i get u 4 this.  kill u see.

 

This so-called 'threat' -- resembling Twitter tweets from some of the moron nobama supporters, directed at Mitt Romney after the second debate -- had me laughing my ass off.  Apparently 'Don Curry' was just as big a moron.

You might can imagine my response to Curry.

So there you have it...aliens, yaks and Oprah, oh my...it could be the basis for the next Airplane movie...

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3 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. I like your rewrite much better. I'm just saying.

Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. :)

04 November, 2012 08:34  
Blogger Right Truth said...

an alien guinea yak...

No wonder he/she threatens to kill u.

A sense of humor is needed on her/his part.

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

04 November, 2012 12:12  
Blogger SueAnn Lommler said...

Yaks and Oprah and peeing from a standing position...oh my indeed!!
Ha
Hugs
SueAnn

05 November, 2012 06:10  

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