Does That Come With Derivery?

As has been my experience in the realm of email scammers, those allegedly writing from the Far East, tend to be better writers, and more adept at figuring out when they're having their chains yanked by someone not buying their 'rice bowl'.

But not always-san.

Via one of the online job-hunting sites I'm currently using for interests more gainful (aka, pay bills), I received the following email:

MESSAGE

Dear friend,

I am Mr. Liu Wang, an official with the International bank of Taipei, Taiwan. I have a very sensitive and confidential brief for you from the International Bank of Taipei, Taiwan. I aske for your partnership in re-profiling funds. I will give you the details but in summary: the funds are coming via Bank of Taipei in Taiwan (they apparently love everything in triplicate there). This is a legitimate transaction (aka, no, it ain't) and you will be paid 30% of your management fee. If you are interested, please write back and send me your confidential phone and fax numbers, and I will give details and instructions. Please keep this confidential, we can't afford to have any political problems (where do you think we are, Wisconsin?). Finally, please note that it must be concluded within two weeks. Please write back promptly via this confidential email address liu_wang1@9.cn for more information.

Well, it WAS confidential ;-)

Usually, any kind of a smart-ass reply to one of these, tends to end it. So here was my reply to Mr. Liu Wang of the triplicated Bank of Taipei, Taiwan, and his sensitive, confidential offer:

pupu w/moo goo gai pan. *yum-san*

And I included the secondary phone number to my personal favorite chinese restaurant (my bad). But I digress.

A day later, I discovered I was dealing with one of the lesser intelligent alleged Asian scammers:

MORE DETAIL

Dear Intending Partner,

Thank you much for your mail....and he goes on to tell me about how a client of his bank -- yes, the triplicated International Bank of Taipei, Taiwan -- took on a fund from a Muhannad Al-Hakim, an Iraqi crude oil merchant. A fund amounting to $1.5 BILLION Taiwanese New Dollars, which in USD amounts to $44.5 Million. Apparently, ol Muhannad 'bought it' during the war, getting blowd up along with his house, creosoted toilet and oil well, in 2004. Naturally, Muhannad had no next of kin. And equally naturally, within a very short time, if no one claims the money, it goes to the government of Taiwan. Finders keepers-san.

SO...I am expected -- because I am well reputed in the Chambers of Commerce, Taipei, Taiwan, which is a tofu-load of news to me -- to be an honest and trustworthy partner to Mr. Liu Wang, and stand in as Muhannad's long-lost next of kin. And for doing so, I git is 30% of 44.5 Million USD.

Of course, it's all perfectly legal and 100% risk-free. All that's missing is the '*' for the undisclosed Disclaimer, that sez a kimshi load of udderwise.

All I need to do to take the next step-san, is provide my full name, address, and occupation.

So I reply thus:

crispy duck egg foo yung w/egg rolls

Whoever's receiving these replies, it becomes apparent, is NOT reading them well, if at all:

QUESTION

Dear Intending Partner,

Is there something here you not understand? Please provide the information needed for next step forward. And pleased to remember that this is sensitive and confidential. Time is not on our side, so please to provide necessary information at once.

Grabbing my handy chinese delivery menu, I craft a suitable reply:

Sesame chicken w/vegetables egg drop soup mongolian pork ... *yum-san* I pay cash, you sabi?

Two things become clear: whoever it is is NOT grasping my replies, and I'm not going to get the order I just placed, delivered:

QUESTION

Dear Intended Partner,

I still wait impatiently for your bona fides. Please not to waste more time. This transaction is sensitive, confidential, and must be act upon now. Please provide informations at once.

Hmmmm...how to make my order-san clear:

Kung pao chicken w/pyi par crispy tofu fried crab cheese wontons and fortune cookie famiry pack. I pay cash. *yum-san* You deriver to (and I gave them the address I use in a Colorado mountain town, where no one lives). I tip derivery driver. Hokay-san? Probrems, you make phone ring at number I give you, hokay-san?

FINALLY, I get an email that tells me (a) someone FINALLY read what I writ and (B) it's about over:

NOT GAME

Dear Intended Partner,

What manner of game is this you play? This is serious business. If you not wish to participate, no more stop writing and waste my time.

Ooops...a grammatical *gaffe*, and one I am all too eager to indulge:

No more stop writing-san? Hokay-dokay, plick, I no stop writing-san. You ask me waste your time, I rike waste your time. Besides, you screw pooch by not deriver one order I prace with you. Your restaurant suck filthy turtle eggs! Oh, an' I send copy of your originar emair to Internationar Bank of Taipei, Taiwan, for verify your boner findees, hokay?

Unress you make derivery of pupu pratter w/side order combination fried rice, we no more do tickee washee, yes-san?

Amusingly, I got one more email repry from "Liu Wang"...but it was blank ;-)

Guess I ain't gettin' my pupu. At least not from him. But his email addy is getting the next week's worth of spam emails from my one account. Nyuk nyuk-san.