Ain't The Titanic Already Gone?

This almost sounds like an April Fools prank, don't it?

Like it's down 12,000 or so feet at the bottom of the Atlantic, and been that way since April 15, 1912.

One of several reasons that April 15 sucks, but I digress.  And will even moreso coming up.

A little online blurb on The Weather Channel suggests that the wreckage of the RMS Titanic may be gone by 2030, due to wreck eating bacteria.

I had no idea that Hellary was down there teething, after placing second to a deplorable.

It would explain a lot, but that's not the subject here.

Mr. Edward Kong is the subject here.  And his scam is the subject here:

Dear Customer!!!,

DHL Courier Company Benin branch wish to inform you that your package with registration CODE ( DCJKT00678G) is now ready to deliver to you as authorized by the depositor of your package Mrs. Chioma Ude U.N Secretary to this Company and we can assure you that we are experts and will commence the delivery of your package to your doorstep as soon as you comply with our mode of delivery system, Your package is properly sealed registered and will be deliver to you within 24hours as the depositor registered the package along with some vital documents required by DHL Courier Company under delivery rules and regulation to effect the delivery to your destination without any further delay,

I am writing to confirm the fact if you are (Dead) Or (Alive)? Because Mr.Dubem Afam came to our office stated that you are dead and failure to reply back in the next 24hrs simply means what Mr. Dubem Afam said was right that you are dead. And Mr.Dubem Afam has agreed to pay the needed valued of $188 dollars required for the Security keeping fee of your Package, but we have not gotten the money from him yet as we want to find out if you are dead or not, so if you are still (alive) you are advice in your own best interest to reply back,

We receive our Delivery fee from the depositor Mrs. Chioma Ude. The only fee you have to pay is our Security keeping fee only, from you and you should know that, This measures of charging Security keeping fee is to always protect the package of our customers and to ensure the safety delivery to his or her destination.

According to our Security keeping fee, The delivery of your package to your destination will cost you sum of $65 Dollars only, and the fee should send to our account officer OUNWAMON DJOSSA via Money Gram only with the following details;

RECIEVER'S NAME: OUNWAMON DJOSSA

COUNTRY: BENIN REPUBLIC

CITY: COTONOU

AMOUNT: $65.00USD

MTCN:

Senders Name:

Senders address:

Be advised to send the fee today so that we can start arranging for the delivery of your package to you since that is the only thing we are waiting for.

I am expecting your response immediately to enable us start the delivery process.

Mr. Edward Kong.

The fact that this email arrived around the time that I saw the article on the Titanic, well...even my pet rock, Seymour, heard the *TOING* that this generated.  The edit would be in keeping widdit:

HOLY CRAPAZOID!!!

DHL Courier Company Benin branch wish to inform you that by the year 2030, the RMS Titanic will be gone.

 

Yes, of course:  we ALL KNOW that it's been gone since April 15, 1912, when it got pricked by an ice boig and sank in 12,000 feets of water in the Atlantic Ocean, a place as forgiving as the hellary 2016 crimepaign after they lost.

But it ain't just going to be as gone as it is now; it's going to be ALL THE WAY GONE.  BUH-BYE.  OUTTA HERE.  NO MO'.  Not even Captain Jack Sparrow, South Park or the Somali pilates of the Gulf of Aden can do anything about this 'un!

Never mind that abject crap from The Weather Channel (which we don't get here anyway) about a sunken ship eating leftist paraslight that's munching away on the remnants at the 12,000 foot bottom of the Atlantic Ocean; it'll be GONE because we here in Benin have come up with a unique way to make money.

Sell pieces* of the RMS TITANIC!

Our scavengers are busy practicing with their scuba gear and cutting torches, and in 2017 we are sending teams of Benin frogpeople (with a nod to political correctness) down to cut up, raise, and sell pieces of the RMS Titanic to mugus...er...people just like you!  AND AT A FRACTION OF THE COST OF THOSE NINCOMPOOPS FROM NIGERIA!!!  Those douche canoes will overcharge you when they pitch you the same offer NEXT MONTH.

Just remember that you saw it HERE, FIRST.  And our parts will not only be authentic**, but they'll cost you but a fraction of what the Nigerians will charge you for the same stuff***.

If you believed that Jill Stein could find the votes in three US states to overturn an election -- and that she raised millions for that purpose -- then you'll damn sure believe that we can do this!

And when you PRE ORDER your package with our Benin recovered authentic parts**** of the RMS Titanic, complete with the registration CODE ( OMGWTF00678G) you'll get ABSOLUTELY FREE***** a signed document that says what we're sending you is off of the RMS Titanic; a document that has an authentication number that PROVES****** the item is off the RMS Titanic; and a picture of one of our divers floating next to what's left of the wreck, while a lacking mores eel eats him for an upcoming episode of Survivor:  Life With The Carnivorous Butts of the Kardashians.   

You'll get ALL THIS when you Western Union us just $99.95!  That's right:  just $99.95!

Those douche canoe Nigerians can't even touch that deal!!!

 Your package will come to you properly sealed so that nothing therein can bite you or rape your porcelain goat collection, and all delivered to you within 24 hours aof you wiring us the $99.95!

You'll never get the business again like this, we promise*******!

So wire your $99.95 as instructed below without any further delay.  And please we do not need emails from pranksters and dead peoples that vote for democraps; if you are either of those, kindly refrain from partaking of this QVCesque deal.

 RECIEVER'S NAME: OUNWAMON POSSUMWADDA PUNKADUNKY DJOSSA

COUNTRY: BENIN REPUBLIC

CITY: COTONOU

AMOUNT: $99.95

MTCN:

Test Question:  WTF

Test Answer:  YouTF

Be advised to send the fee today so that we can start arranging for the delivery of your package to you since that is the only thing we are waiting for.

I am expecting your response immediately to enable us start the delivery process.

Mr. Edward Queen Kong.

*   we actually have a crapload of rusting leftover fishing boat parts that we've collected for this one.

**  oh, they'll be authentic parts off of rust boats...just not the one we're talking about

***  our rusted assorted boat parts are more believable than those used by the Nigerians; they get all their sh*t from the Somali pirates at retail.  Twatwaffles.

****  See our free documentation offer...it's almost as good as our dying mistress with $27 million USD in the bank here in Benin...

*****  free our ass...see the fee and instructions for wiring it.  Free...ha.
****** we're using the same proof that Bela Pelosi uses to argue she has two working brain cells instead of the one she's down to.

******* if you fall for this one, you'll be hearing from every last mugu guyman in West Africa with a 'puter and a template...

DISCLAIMER:  if you wire us $99.95 and are dissatisfied with what you receive, you are free to contact us and have your emails bounce because we'll be on to our next scam, selling plots on Uranus for colonization!  Today, the Titanic; tomorrow...something else.  

Mr. Kong had nothing to say to this edit; perhaps the image of Jill Stein was enough to scare him into silence.

Tornado Games

*a relevant repost from 2008, as the season of my idiotic discontent and potential relocation to Oz is fast approaching, meterologically-speaking...*

More than one somewhat aghast work or writing colleague has offered the observation -- after reading my various tornado chasing columns -- that I appear to enjoy "living my life on the edge". And that's the more civil version.

Hawgwarsh. My life is about as exciting as a popcorn fart, long as it's not unleashed in a crowded elevator.

How someone lives their life often differs considerably between reality and perception. To me, someone who rock climbs, hang glides, races crotch-rocket motorcycles, wrestles alligators, runs with bulls, or teaches a class of five year olds...now those people are living their lives on the edge. Comparatively-speaking, my brand of storm chasing for photos is relatively risk-free. Moreso than the offers to give me the business I get from the Nigerian and Russian 419ers; and it's probably safer than my daily commute to work, playing golf, or asking a woman out for a date after 50.

Now that's living my life on the edge, especially the latter, but I digress.

Tornado chasing can be easily and safely done from the comfort of your easy chair, merely by ordering the DVDs of it from The Weather Channel. But for me, that's too boring (and I already have the videos). So I enhance the experience with a little reading, a little research, and a little donating my sparse supply of common sense for redistribution in a future gene pool (according to some of you).

In any event, my other reason for partaking is simple: I want my own photos. It's really no more complicated than that. Call me a tornado art snob if you will; I simply want to shoot, frame, and hang, my own photos. Period.

And don't think for a moment that the storms haven't noticed.

They know that if schedules coincide, I'll be right there, camera in hand and sphincter in check (perhaps), depending on the success of my angle of pursuit. A storm knows this; and a tornadic storm may actually appreciate it.

Uh, not my peeing on it, but what follows next.

Follow my (assumed) logic hyar: if a tornado thinks about it, it will be flattered. It has, at the absolute best, a two-three hour shelf-clearing/flattening/scattering life on this Earth. I think fruit flies might live longer. If I -- or anyone -- catches a particular tornadic image on film, that one storm achieves immortality. Fame. Recognition. It potentially gets air time and honorable mention from Seattle to Miami, from weather babes the likes of Becky Ditchfield or Kathy Sabine (Denver's KUSA 9), as well as highlighted on future National Weather Service/The Weather Channel videos.

Think that most young, aspiring hook-echoes don't dream of this? Think again. What makes you think a tornado has any less desire for it's 15 minutes of fame, than any human lunkhead who goes on Who Wants To Make A Fool Of Themselves On National TV In A Faux Reality Show? Don't you think a tornado -- casually dismissed as a mindless, arbitrary leviathan, a violent anomaly of meteorological Nature -- craves a little limelight and recognition, too?

Count on it.

If lawyers can argue that sand has rights, if vegans can argue that chickens have hopes, dreams and a genuine appreciation for Thanksgiving, wouldn't it logically follow that something far more awesome and powerful than sand or chickens, would wish to aspire to something greater than a mere EF rating on The Weather Channel?

Of course, I don't wish for those rogue leviathans, seeking the kind of fame suggested, tearing into populated areas. Too many achieve infamy with just such demonstrations, and more are sure to in the future (and recently did in 2010 Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, etc).

But hereabouts, there's no need for that: there's plenty of room on the eastern plains of Colorado, plenty of open, sparsely-populated space where a fame-hungry tornado can do all the dusty dirty dancing with the stars, haystacks, fence posts and random farm implements it desires; where it can say to a fellow funnel, "it sucks to be you", and mean it as a compliment; where it can go where the deer and the antelope play, where seldom is heard a discouraging word -- since deer and antelope don't apparently have an audible discouraging equivalent for "oh SH**!" -- and the skies can stay stormy at least some of the day.

Unless it miscalculates and shows up near some inhabitation, and everything Man and otherwise scatters with a torrent of "oh SH**!"s, or whatever the animal equivalent might be after all.

Which could digress to another issue: tornadic psychological problems. But that's another story, one better taken up by Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil, and not moi.

So to those who think I'm living my life on the edge by trying a little tornado photography, I hope you now realize I'm merely performing a somewhat pseudo meteorological service, with a side of self-service therein, for the greater good of a misunderstood creation of Nature and some wall decorations at home.

Though, being thrice-concussed, I will admit I probably have a screw loose. I can occasionally hear it rattling around in there.

Anyway, perhaps one day I shall give up my photo pursuit of the leviathan: some schmuck lawyer might get around to suggesting down the road that I'm shamelessly contributing to the delinquency of a tornado by trying to photograph their antics, and right there will be the ACLU*, peeing in my Wheaties. *Sigh*

*American Cyclonic Liberties Union...some bastard lawyers are into anything these days...