Politics Anyone?

2012 does seem unavoidable, doesn't it?

If November 2012 doesn't get us, the Mayan calendar's end, just might.

Iowa recently held a GOP presidential candidate straw poll, one of the first tottering steps toward Decision 2012. Iowa's a good place to do that: they cultivate straw aplenty.

What we learned from that first, very VERY preliminary straw vote, was that it's hard to read straw ballots, and that guinea pigs like to use straw to nest and poop in.

We also learned that at least one politician decided, on the basis of the straw poll, to pick up his campaign bumper stickers and go back to Minnesota.

Despite my pet rock's current time travel travails, Seymour wished to text me his thoughts on the current political cycle that's started the long pull up a longer hill, before the downhill race to Decision 2012. Being as how Seymour is politically unaffiliated and unbiasedly geologic -- whatever THAT means -- he feels he has some genuine insights into the current field of candidates, and wants to share them, even from his current juxtaposition in Time.

With no further adieu -- a french word that Seymour hates:

Michelle Bachmann: she won the Iowa straw poll. Maybe she'll find a place for it in her home office, though if she has cats, they'll wreck it. She's a nice lady, but in the words knowd world over from countless failed dates, "not this election cycle, she has a headache". Old stick-in-the-mud Republicans aren't ready for a hot chick to run their party.

Seymour, you're going to be accused of sexism with that analogy.

Oh phffffffft. Michelle's a chick, and a hot one at that. Now, on to my further analysis...

Mitt Romney: who wants to elect a guy named for a glove? Republicans didn't pick him in '08; why would they now? PUH-leease!

Newt Gingrich: the Geico gecko is one thing, but a politician named for another lizard that usually winds up in various blackmagic spells isn't gonna get elected. Especially when he verbally self destructs the same weekend he announces his candidacy. *BUZZZZZER*

Tim Pawlenty: *BUZZZZZER* Lost to the hot chick. Smart enough to quit thereafter. 'Nuff said.

Ron Paul: The guy with two first names came in second, but really? He's got a better chance of being elected to Congress from Texas...*TOING*

Howard Cain: successful businessman and one of those minorities that the Left says is a race traitor. I thought the Left was supposed to be all about compassion and tolerance? Oh well...I guess they only are when the minorities know that their place is supposed to be beholden to the Left, and not agin' it. Won't get the nomination, but will annoy the Left by not being a flunky to them.

John Huntsman: who??? That seems to be the universal response outside of Utah.

Sarah Palin: her bus tour was there, but she ain't in. Prolly ain't gonna be: life's more fun and lucrative being a force on the Right, rather than a target of the Left (and of some of the establishment on the Right that don't like hot chicks in politics).

Rick Santorum: he sounds more like a mental health facility ad, than a serious presidential candidate.

Rick Perry: a Texican governor. This guy -- perhaps coupled with the hot chick as his running mate -- might just look to be a force to be reckoned with. The 'glove' will not likely be able to get the nomination now that this particular Texican is in.

Me (as in Seymour): I was gonna run, but Skunk's got me mired in time travel, and it's kinda hard to keep up with what's going on in 2011, when I'm stuck 65 million years in the past.

And what about Seymour's unique view of the incumbent in 2012:

Barack Obama: been voting 'present' since first elected to anything. Guy sure loves to play golf and spend other peoples' money. Funny how he gets a Nobel Peace Prize for having done nothing, and nothing bad during his watch is his fault, according to him and that Ploofe fella who rhymes with 'goof' and that makes things up for the prez. Against the 'glove', the lizard, a couple of "who?"s and the Texican that has a better chance of being elected to Congress..*TOING*...he could probably be a two-term prez, despite himself. Against the other Texican and hot chick...maybe not...*click*.

As I was about to ask Seymour to amplify on that prediction, his cell connection through the Time Portal went phfffft. Seymour's political observations and commentary developing, pending a cell phone recharge, and time warps.

Quantum Horsefeathers -- II

An explanation is upcoming. Really.

A couple posts back, I related to y'all how some Hong Kongian scientists determined that time travel was a physical impossibility.

Right after, that is, that I had finished my 'observe 'n don't interfere' time machine, and used as my first test time travel subject, Seymour the pet rock.

When he disappeared in a *puff* of smoke -- since the Hong Kongians said that what I saw I couldn't a seed -- I figured he'd be pissed, 'cuz now he was as charred as any meal I've ever attempted to prepare.

'Cept that he was no longer in the machine.

Whoa. Bite me, Hong Kongians.

No, my time machine is not like The Time Tunnel, where you can pick up readings and see what the time traveller is experiencing; but Seymour was given a very cheap cell phone, with which he could text about what he was observing and such.

Ask me later how he -- a pet rock -- is able to text on a cheap cell phone.

Anyway, after a couple days, I got the following text that I deduced HAD to be from Seymour:

W...T...F!

I assumed he meant what most folks take for WTF:

I dont know...WTF are you WTFing?

Not WHAT TF...WHEN TF?

How the hell am I sposed to know?

U built the f***ing thing. When am I?

According to u, from the beginning. What do you see to help figger out when you are?

I see big animals. REALLY BIG animals.

What kind of really BIG animals?

The kind in the movie Jurassic Park.

Kewl...Seymour is back more than 65,000,000 years! This could be educational:

So...what's the terrain like where you are?

Hot...damp...swampy. Remind me to tell u how many ways ur an asshole.

How's that, Seymour?

U said i couldnt interact in Time. Well, those animals can interact with ME! I got peed on by a triciploplotz!

Well, I did tell you that this was a test run.

I got ur test run...uh...oh-oh...

Whaddaya mean, oh-oh?

1 of those big 1s with legs and teeth is coming aftr me! GET ME OUTTA HERE!

As I said, this isn't the Time Tunnel. What's more, in order to make this particular test time machine economical for my very austere budget, I had to make use of a common kitchen appliance. My oven.

Forgetting that I had put something in there to do some further testing with, I did a quick time retrieval calculation, hit the 'on' button....and heard some of the most primal banging and growling noises from therein I hadn't heard since my last attempt at actually baking something. I decided that I had missed retrieving Seymour, and caught perhaps...what was chasing him.

So, forgetting what I had first put in there to try sending, I just reversed my retrieval function, and sent back whatever I had retrieved. Along with what I was going to test-send. After a moment, I tried texting Seymour:

Seymour? What's going on?

LMRRAO*...i cant believe what u just did!

What did I just did?

I will send u a pic (Seymour's cheap cell phone did have a very basic digital camera).

Oh, for...

Uh huh...u still suck in the kitchen. But the other animals are not afraid of it anymor.

I think I see why.

Now how about getting me outta here?

Workin on it.

After some tinkering, I managed to transport Seymour out of Jurassic Park. I'm still waiting to hear from him as to where he wound up. Or, should I say, when he wound up, since he didn't return here.

Meantime...that t-rex that was coming after Seymour, somehow got mixed up with the rubber chicken I was going to test send next...the picture above was the rather improbable result.

I'm not sure if I hope paleontologists find that fossil or not...

* laughing my round rock ass off

Quantum Horsefeathers

I suspect that science -- or at least, some scientists -- just lurve peeing in Hollyweird's tofu.
And not just Hollyweirds.

From the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, comes the revelation that Albert Einstein was right: you can't make a bagel travel back in time.

Claiming to have proved that time travel is impossible, a team of researchers at the aforementioned university -- whose credibility is lacking amongst scholars who hale from universities where binge drinking took up all their free time -- say that they have proved Einstein's theory that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.

Using a single photon -- because a married one has too much baggage -- they claim to have proved that this unit of light "obeys the traffic law of the universe", and cannot exceed the speed of light.

This means, according to the Hong Kongians, that time travel is a scientific impossibility.

I mean...WTF?

No Quantum Leaping; no warp speed whiplashes around the Sun; no 88 mph back 'n forths in a 1.21 jiggawatted DeLorean; no Time Tunnel, no magnetic storms at sea hijacking aircraft carriers, Guardians perpetually awaiting "a question", or cyborgs from the future, open to learning hip phrases and wrecking about everything else.

Not even a chance to send Grandma's oft-regifted fruitcake back to the Stone Age, only to find it as one of the foundation blocks in one of the Egyptian pyramids.

Only in Hollyweird or literature, can time travel "be".

Man, this sucks.

I was all set to unveil to the world my newest invention: a time machine that allowed one to travel back in time to observe actual events as they really happened, but not interact with them and screw up history or today.

And dang it all, them darn fool Hong Kongians claim it doesn't work.

Eh...they're way better educated than me, so they're probably right. I'm sure that my first test case 'time traveller' -- my pet rock, Seymour -- didn't really go anywhere in that cloud of smoke.
On the other hand, he ain't back yet...